019:

Aubrey

Until the morning I woke up with intense cramping. Rafe was sound asleep. I felt sick to my stomach and deeply hurting in my lower abdomen. Fear coursed through me. I hadn't felt sick for about a week. I kept my eyes closed, feeling inside, denying what it seemed to be, what it could be.

I was three months along. I'd seen the baby's heartbeat myself. Sweet little baby, don't leave me!

I had to get up, in case it was stomach flu, and I could just go to the bathroom and get rid of these cramps.

I sat down on the toilet---- and felt the urge to go, and was relieved for about three seconds. And then I felt the rush of ---- blood between my legs, and out.

Having a miscarriage--- is the worst feeling.

Shock.

Because suddenly--- life isn't what you thought. This--- that can't happen to you, in your happiness and security--- is happening.

Fear.

Because you are faced with your own mortality, as well as the promise of future.... Everything has changed.

Fear.

Because you don't know what is causing it, you don't know if your body is rebelling, or your mental stress has done it, or if there was something wrong with the baby. And you don't know how long it will last, and if you will hemorrhage, and if there is something else wrong.

"Rafe?" I called, trying to make my voice not tremble. I didn't want to cry, but I felt the throat choking inside anyway. I wanted to be pragmatic, hopeful, resolved.

I was none of those things.

"Rafe!" I called louder.

"What's up?" He sounded very groggy, very deeply into his sleep cycle. It was about four a.m. He wasn't instantly getting up.

"Rafe!" I had to put some tone in it, some slight fear and scream. Some of what I was thinking.

He came to the bathroom door and leaned against the wall squinting, rubbing his hand through his hair.

"I'm losing the baby," I said and choked on a sob as I looked down at my still dripping bloody show.

"What?" He was instantly alert, and kneeling in front of me looking at the blood also. "What----?"

"I don't know," I said. I was still cramping, quite heavily. I was twelve weeks.... I had the fleeting thought that possibly it was not all the way miscarrying and then discarded the thought as another larger clot or perhaps something else caused me to bear down and the cramps were pretty intense. I had to concentrate on getting through the pain.

"Are you sure? Should we go to the hospital?"

I blew out my breath as the cramping passed. "Om.... No.... most first trimester miscarriages are had at home. Can you look under the sink for pads? I don't know if I have any large ones."

He scrambled to the sink and opened the cupboard. I wrapped toilet paper in a ball and pressed against the bleeding as I tried to stand. Rafe looked back at me and jumped up. "What are you doing?"

"I want to get some underwear and a pad and go lie down." I huffed, feeling the cramps hit again.

"Is this normal? Don't you want to go to the hospital?"

"No. I'll call mommy."

"Okay." He handed me some panty liners. "I don't see anything else."

"Okay." I made it to my dresser and got out some underwear. Rafe pulled on sweats and a t-shirt.

"Is this because I was rough with you?" His voice was terrified.

I smiled as I slipped into the panties. "No. No. It's not that. You haven't been rough. It just happens sometimes. Mostly, no one knows exactly why-- there are a gazillion possible reasons-- and none." I picked up my phone, sitting on the side of the bed.

"Aubrey---- I'm sorry."

"Rafe--- it's okay. We're okay. It's just a fluke." I hiccupped on a sob, though. Of course, my mom answered on the first ring.

"Mommy? I think I'm losing the baby." I put it on speaker phone.

"You're twelve weeks?"

"Yes. Intense cramping, heavy bleeding."

"For how long?"

"Fifteen minutes."

She was silent. I knew she was thinking that maybe it could be stopped. "How much blood?"

"Too much. A lot. Actually, placental tissue or even fetal---." I choked and sobbed. Rafe cuddled me close and I felt his own tears wet my shoulder as he stroked my neck and hair and back and arms.

"Aubrey---- is it bright red blood?"

"No." I managed, still with Rafe's face against my back as he held me with both arms.

"Well, honey. I'm on my way. Unless you want to meet me at ABC, but you probably don't need to have a D &C. But I'm still on my way."

"Thanks." Rafe croaked, his body shaking. "You're sure she shouldn't go to the hospital?"

"Most early miscarriages happen at home, honey." My mother assured him, "And it's very common. There will be more babies. No worries. She comes from a very long line of fertile women." My mother clicked off and Rafe sighed.

"Aubrey--- can I give you a blessing? I'll call Ben to come over, or the missionaries, or Brother Soon." This was his Elder's Quorum President who lived fairly near to us.

"I guess your dad is too far away? Or does it matter?" I sniffed and curled into my pillows. Rafe covered me.

"I could have your dad come with your mom."

"No, he's on--- on location. He's filming right now."

"You can have my dad if you want. I'll call him." And he instantly dialed the phone. His dad picked up immediately, and I knew he was like my parents, early risers. Rafe explained that he needed to give me a blessing. His dad told him he could give a husband's blessing for comfort alone if he wanted, and Rafe said he knew that, but wanted to give me a blessing for healing. His dad agreed to be there in a half an hour, depending on traffic.

"I don't need a lot of people to know yet," I said, sniffing, feeling forlorn. The dream of sweet little Peyton Call was drifting away from me.

"I know. It's okay." Rafe was getting jeans on--- then pulling them off. "I'm going to shower."

I nodded and waited in my little pain cycle, deeply saddened, and deeply wounded by this reminder of our agonizing mortality. I wanted to feel my baby's spirit close by, wondering when he or she had ceased to live in the sense of life inside me growing--- had it just happened? A few days ago my HCG levels had dropped enough for me to stop my morning vomiting routine. Maybe it had happened then.

It felt strange being a maternity doctor... and feeling the disconnect from that as this very intimate and devastating experience happened to me. My feelings floated in the air around me. And I must have dozed off because Rafe was out of the shower, he'd turned music on very softly, and was cleaning up our room. Things were still messy from the move. My stuff hadn't all found places. He was very attentive. He brought me water and then asked if I wanted a smoothie.

I didn't. So he went and made one for himself. I heard the blender, and then I heard the vacuum. I felt the need to change the little pads and checked that I hadn't leaked. I had. I stripped the bed and stripped my clothes. The shower up here was a walk in one--- Rafe had already dried it out, as was his way, and the bathroom was next to spotless. I didn't feel like cleaning it again, but I did want to shower.

I got in the warm water.

"Aubrey?" Rafe's voice was worried. "What are you---?"

"I leaked. The bedding is on the floor. The bed needs to be changed."

"I'll get it."

I finished my shower, still feeling the cramping, sometimes worse than others. It felt like a dream--- kind of a closed in, dark dream. My body felt---- different—alone--- open and vulnerable, and traitorous. I'd heard women say that before, that their own body had betrayed them, and I'd never understood because medically it wasn't that way. Medically there was a good reason for the body to rid itself of the pregnancy--- it knew what it was doing, and it was doing it efficiently and succinctly.

But that didn't help at the moment.

I dressed in sweats and one of Rafe's long sleeved rib knit gray shirts that I liked. It was too big, but I liked the feel of it. What girl doesn't like her man's shirts? My hair was tangled pretty bad, so I sat at our dressing table mirror in the bathroom and detangled it.

I heard Rafe let his dad in.

I also felt the deepest cramping pain yet. I hugged my stomach and winced, trying not to cry at the unfairness of it all. There was that as well--- the feeling that it wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be in pain right now. I stood up and a huge gush overflowed yet another stack of panty-liners.

"Don't come up," I called, trying for a normal voice.

Rafe was there instantly. He could see the blood on the inside of my sweats. "Honey." He whispered, heading to the closet for another pair of sweats.

"I need heavier pads." I told him.

"I'll get them." He said, but I heard him dialing somebody. "Ben--- can you have Addie get Aubrey some really big feminine pads? Now? Please?"

This idea made me uncomfortable and I knew Mommy would bring a kit and there would be pads in it. But she was still an hour out.

I heard Rafe's voice. "Bro--- not. Really? Gaw—man, I'm so sorry. Why don't you come over? Aubrey is having a miscarriage. I could use the company too."

"Rafe--- it's okay, mom'll get the pads."

"Ben is bringing them." He said with confidence. "He doesn't mind."

I stepped back into the shower, this time with my hair up, and rinsed off. I saw a lot of clotting, like a heavy period. I think the baby had already passed. I felt tears welling up again.

Rafe was there, helping me dry off and dress, and then he carefully escorted me to the bed and he indicated that his dad was waiting just outside the door.

I saw Fred there, dressed in his church clothes. He came in, his eyes sympathetic, I'm sure he even murmured something. I sat there, on the edge of the unmade bed, on a stack of two towels and a plastic bag Rafe had thoughtfully put there.

They administered to me, as righteous priesthood holders, together, father and son, for the first time. I would have been so happy for them--- but I was too sad.

Afterward, Rafe had me stand and he and his dad made the bed with several plastic bags under a couple of towels, and then the sheets. He put me in bed and asked if I wanted music or TV. Neither. Just him. There was a chair in the corner, Fred pulled it a little closer and Rafe hopped on the bed with me.

They were talking, but I wasn't sure what they were saying. I felt withdrawn--- hiding deep inside myself.

*****