Alexia's POV

Lee had to leave as soon as he dropped me back off at home seeing as he needed to catch his flight.

After he was gone, I was left in utter silence, wondering what was going to happen now.

Lee never once mentioned what his thoughts were at Colin's confession, only giving me uncertain looks from time to time.

When he dropped me off, he left me with a promise to skype me when he got back to campus, he didn't even give me a kiss goodbye as he usually did.

I didn't know what to do now either. Typically I would study, but I wasn't in the mood. It was an odd feeling; deciding not to study, but I welcomed it with open arms. I knew for a fact I wouldn't be able to concentrate, not with my thoughts running rampant as they were now. I couldn't focus on one single thing, my mind hopping from Colin to Lee, predictions and outcomes of what was going to happen and what we'd talk about during our skype call.

So I did the one thing that I could; I decided to take a nap.

***

I was woken up by the interminable ringing of my phone, and it took approximately one stretch and two yawns before I was able to blink my eyes open enough to answer it.

However, I was wide awake as soon as I saw the caller.

I unlocked my phone and answered the call.

Lee' face popped up on my phone screen, and I saw the time on the corner of my phone. It was already 8:24pm? When did that happen?

"Hey," he greeted softly, smiling at me.

"Hi," I responded, bringing my lips upwards also.

"So.." he started, and I saw him run a hand through his hair. "I've been thinking about everything that happened this afternoon."

I nodded. "I have too," I told him quietly.

"I know that Connor-"

"Colin," I corrected.

"Colin," he repeated. ".. said that it was all his fault, but I just..." Lee trailed and I knew exactly where he was going with this.

"I know. I messed up, really badly. And I'm sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me either, what I did was completely unacceptable," I confessed. "It's also understandable if you no longer trust me, and want to break it off. I understand." My smile was now one that hopefully told him that I really did accept the new reality of things.

Lee stared at me through the screen, and he let out a frustrated groan, closing his eyes as his hand moved through the strands of his hair once more.

"Why do you have to be like this Lex? You're so sweet and so innocent, it was such a shock to find out that you did something like this.. and now, now it's just so hard to break it off. I-I love you Lex, I really do. But I don't know if I can."

"Lee, I understand, it's fine. I'm okay."

Although I said I was fine, I knew that Lee was more torn up about it than I was. I never truly felt that deep connection to him, but he clearly did. It was written all over his face when we were together, and I tried so desperately to feel what he felt. It was definitely there - that much was certain. But mine was just budding where as his was a flower in full bloom. With a little more time, I was positive that I would soon be sharing the same feelings he felt towards me.

"Stop being so okay with this!" Lee shouted at me, rubbing at his temples. I almost dropped my phone, startled by his sudden outburst.

"But Lee-" I began my protest.

"No! You're supposed to be apologizing, begging for me to forgive you and to take you back! You almost seem nonchalant about all of this, as if the entire year we've been engaged never even mattered!"

I was stunned into silence, and I had to choose my words carefully before saying them. "Lee, of course it mattered," I started slowly. "It mattered so much to me, and it's killing me to let you go."

"But why?" he cried out, upset. "Why are you doing it? If you really loved me, then why aren't you trying?" I didn't respond for a few seconds, thinking about his words and what my answer should be. In those few moments, Lee's face completely fell. He looked like a puppy that was shoved into a box and put out in the rain to freeze. "Y-you don't love me, do you," he murmured, more as a statement than a question.

This time, my answer was instantaneous. I couldn't take the look he was giving me, the look of a puppy starved and beaten.

"No!" I exclaimed quickly. "I do, but I just.. don't.. know? It's not that I don't love you, I do, but it's not very.. strong?" I was fumbling for the right words, none of them sitting right on my tongue. Finally, I sighed. "I just don't feel as strongly for you as you do for me," I told him honestly. "I do care for you, a lot more than I care for most other people. But that.. spark was never quite there." I was speaking just higher than a whisper, and I honestly didn't even know if he heard me or not.

"Oh," was all Lee said, indicating that he had heard me. "So where does that leave us? I-I don't think I'm ready to let go just yet. I know that you've hurt me," I winced, "but I still love you and it'll hurt more if you're not in my life." I've never heard Lee sound so vulnerable and afraid. He was like the child who was too scared to sleep in the dark, afraid of the unknown and what it might bring.

I hated to think that I was about to be the parent who shut the light off and closed the door, trapping him in that dark world. As I thought about what I should do, the answer became apparent.

I needed to start looking out for myself, and what I wanted.

Listening to others, and blindly following them, is what got me into this mess. Maybe it's time to start listening to myself, and forming my own plan to follow.

"I can't." With those two words, a mere five letters, his hope deflated faster than a soufflé.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry, but I think everyone just needs time to take a breath and just breathe. Maybe the answer will come to us in time." I finally felt like I was saying the right thing, and the pressure weighing on me was slowly being lifted.

"So what should we do about the engagement?"

It was weird hearing Lee asking me what I thought we should do, seeing as he was typically the one in charge.

"We leave it for now, but I think it would be best if we see other people in the meantime. We need to figure out if this is really what we both want, and we can't do that if we can't experiment a little If we decide that we aren't right for each other in the end... we can't deny the inevitable."

Lee nodded. "Okay. We'll just take a few months off, but can I see you for your summer vacation?"

"Yeah, summer vacation." Although I agreed, I had no idea if the feelings would even still be there by the time summer rolled around. Who knows what might happen, summer seems like a long time away.

"And you won't start seeing Colin will you?" Lee asked right before I hung up. His eyes were large, pleading, and it almost looked like his lip was trembling. He really didn't want me to see Colin anymore even though we agreed that we could date whoever in the meantime.

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Then I ended the call. I meant it too; I wasn't going to start seeing Colin. I don't know if I could handle it after all that's happened.

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another short chapter, but i feel like this was more.. momentous than the other ones? Alexia has finally came to the conclusion of making her own decisions, and now she's not tied down to anybody c: so she has lots of time to think and lots of time to herself so.. :D

what do you think? do you think it was smart for her to do that?