Deandra Serano

When it comes to feeling or the definition of love, I never really know or understand about it. Yes, I want to know about it and feel it but I still can't get a grip of it. Is it amking you not being able to sleep? Is it making you go nuts? Is it making you go crazy for no reason?

Seeing my brother's complicated relationship shows that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I never fall in love before or even have any attachment to someone until I feel like I can't live without them anymore.

As far as I know, I can't stop thinking about Kai. He's on my head day and night. Ever since that day, he never called or even text me or leave flowers and even show up randomly. What if he decides to move on?

I swear my ego got the best of me. I tried to not care but I definitely care. I tried go find out more about Grace and Alice. They both actually rivals when it comes to Kai and after asking my PI to investigate. Alice was indeed met up with Grace and called her after I attacked her in that candle shop.

The both of them were definitely in love with Kai and would do anything to get his attention. That's pathetic and pretty much stupid. Trying to get his attention by dragging someone down is not a fair game.

Besides.. Grace and Alice are not my competition at all. As a classy as bitch, I don't do backstabbings. I stab people right in front of them. That's why I went crazy with Alice, I don't do tactics. I just go for it.

Seeing Ellie loving my brother so much was pretty interesting to see. How can see love a jerk like him? She's so sweet and really don't deserve him. Now, my brother is the one who is following her around.

I don't want to be like Ellie. As much as I like her as a person but her ways of loving is pretty much like a lost puppy. If you ask me what kind of love I want? I want it to be like my aunt.

Aunt Isabella and her husband, Corwin. That's a perfect definition of what I want. I want my significant other to have control over me, not in a twisted and weird way but more of an emotional control.

I know I always have a bit of anger issues when I'm not in a good mood, I want to be with someone who have an alert for it. Kai have it, especially when we were both in that candle shop. He was holding my hand tightly most of the time, he knew if he lets me go, I would go on a rampage.

He knew how to let me cool off when I'm mad. He stayed by my side trying to talk it out even though I'm just ignoring him there. He didn't leave me at all because I really hate it when people me give space to cool off. I need someone to be by my side for that. Kai did a good job for that.

I like it too when he's expressive. He is always vocal about his thoughts and feelings even though it's not one hundred percent transparent.

If he's really moving on, I guess I don't have any other choice but to move on too. I don't want to force someone to be with me, that's just pure stupidity. All I need to do is just forget about him slowly and find someone new.

"Blue, we're going to play polo tomorrow. Let's kick people's butt.." I said to Blue, my horse, as I brushed his hair.

I took Blue out and put the sadle on. I got on him and rode him out from the stable. It's 10 pm and here I am still out taking Blue on a walk. This really shows that I'm stressing out.

I took out my phone and decided to call Naomi.

"Hello." I said when she picked up.

"Hey, bestie." She answered and I got down from Blue.

"I'm not interrupting you right?"

"No, why? Is everything okay?" She asked.

"I don't know. I just.. feel weird." I said admitting to my feelings.

"What? Is it about Kai? Did he say something mean?"

"No." Now, I don't know how to explain it to Naomi.

"I don't know how to explain it, it's just.. I feel weird." I said sighing.

"You like him a lot huh?"

"I feel like those girls that he fooled. He's using his playboy ways on me and I jus- I don't know. This is my first time feeling something like this."

"I know, Deandra. I know you're not the type to get confuse or.. easily get attach like this."

"I feel so stupid." I laughed at myself.

"No, you're not. It's just sometimes you can't control about it. Liking someone is something that is out of your control. He must have something that you want from a guy." Naomi tried to comfort me.

"I guess he's moving on already." I said and Naomi chuckled.

"Deandra Serano, I never thought you will say that."

"Don't even remind my stupidity, Naomi." I hissed and she chuckled.

"I'm currently in Monte Carlo, there's a fundraising event here. My grandfather told me to find someone here, I'm currently on a hunting mode."

"Deandra, you don't need to force and press your feelings like this. It's okay to miss him, it's okay to want him back."

"I don't like the feeling of it, it's like the feeling of losing." I said.

"Do you want me to check on him?" Naomi asked.

"No, it's fine. I'll figure it out later on."

"You need to start admitting your feelings, Deandra. If you miss him that much, call him."

"I'm just going to find someone to sleep with.." I said out of frustration.

"Deandra.." Naomi warned me.

"Call you later."