I slept in the guest room in the back of the apartment. I woke early to the light coming in through the window, the drapes open. I couldn't remember if they had been drawn when I went to sleep the night before. Through the tall windows, I could see other buildings and the scene was very urban. The panes of glass in our apartment were thick and I couldn't hear the sounds but knew there must have been a cacophony of unfamiliar noises, compared the bucolic sounds of Frank and Mary's farm. I stood and walked over to the window, I saw that there was a latch and two windows on either side of the largest, opened outwards. When I cranked it open, I was right. All of the sounds that I imagined became audible. It was not as loud as I expected. It was a low hum of cars, periodic horns some a quick beep, others an extended peal. The air had an unusual scent to it. There was a hint of spring morning, a cool earthy smell mostly there was an even stronger odor. Likely exhaust and tar. I realized I'd never woken in a big city before. I'd never even been to one, certainly not Chicago. I could see now, that Jeff's apartment was in the center of the city. I looked out further and saw the elevated train in the distance, buildings upon buildings that almost reminded me of looking at a mountain of redwoods up towards the timberline.

I turned back to the well-appointed room. I felt like a complete impostor. I wish that Carmen and I were still close. I would have loved to call her and whisper all the details of this extravagant lifestyle. There was a time when it would have been her excitement too. Now, she'd see it as an opulently decorated prison. She didn't know anything.

My suitcase was on the floor and my clothes including my long silk robe were hung up on padded-fabric hangars. I shook my head almost in disbelief over the unnecessary extravagance of this new life. I removed my robe from the hangar, put it on and walked over to the mirror that sat on top of an antique bureau. The marble top was perfectly clean and shiny. I knew from cleaning my own home, the spotlessness was the result of near constant dusting.

There was an ornate wooden box on top of the dresser. I opened it. There was jewelry inside the top compartment. On the bottom, there was little drawer. That drawer in the wooden box slid out on some sort of metal mechanism, it was lined with a gold colored velvet. There was a stack of photographs inside. I picked them up and looked at them. They were of Jeff and Margaret. I'd seen a picture of her once before, years ago when I accidentally found them in Jeff's portfolio. There were only about five photographs in the jewelry box. Each was almost the same as the last. It must have been in the early the mid 1940s. Margaret was half-smiling but she looked like she was hypnotized. At first I didn't recognize the simple linen dress and hat as wedding attire, but then I slowly realized that's exactly what it was. The closer I studied the images the more detail that came into focus. In the background: tables filled with food. On top of one of the linen covered tables, a tall layered wedding cake towered. I could make out rows of champagne glasses around it. There were white folding chairs lined up in neat rows around an arbor where the ceremony must have taken place. It must have been on the shore of Lake Michigan. I studied Jeff's expression. I couldn't interpret it. I hadn't seen that Jeff. He was more handsome than I had ever seen him. He had on black pants with a white tuxedo coat, white shirt and a black bow tie. That was it; I'd never seen Jeff in black tie attire. Yes, he'd always been well put together. Wealthy and sophisticated. The last picture I examined was of the two of them together. I bit my lip and tried to imagine what they were thinking. Jeff's arm looked awkward around her waist and she looked stiff and uncomfortable. In that picture, she looked as if she were about to cry. I glanced back up at myself in the mirror. I was so different than Margaret. I knew that. Unlike her I didn't want a formal wedding, full of crystal champagne glasses. A Great Gatsby Affair. I laughed at my own thought. That was Nick's favorite book. We both read it so many times. We tried to imagine being a socialite at one of Gatsby's parties. And, here they were in the pictures in my hand. Except Margaret wasn't Daisy.

There was a quiet knock. I put the pictures back in the jewelry box. I tied the belt on my robe and walked over to the door. I opened it slowly and Jeff was there, fully dressed carrying two cups of coffee.

"Can I come in?"

"Oh. I understand now. You're one of the help. It's all beginning to make sense."

He laughed and entered the room. "Very funny. I just want you to feel at home. So I brought you a coffee."

I took it from him, "That was sweet of you. Where's Charlie?"
"Would you believe he absolutely loves his brother and sister? And, Elise who you'll meet shortly."

I took a sip of coffee. "Is he really all right?"

"I promise."

"Should I get dressed and then we can talk?" I asked.

"No. You're all right, but I do want to discuss today's schedule before you come out and meet everyone here at home."

I walked over to the window seat and sat down. I looked outside again and back at Jeff. He sat down on the bed and watching me. He took a sip of coffee. "You have the windows open?"

I nodded and felt a breeze come through and noticed how it disturb the curtains slightly. "Should I close them?"

He thought about it for a second. "Not unless you want to." His eyes met mine and held my stare for a long moment. He smiled shyly. A look I'd rarely seen.

After another sip of coffee, he looked down and then when he looked back at me, he started rattling off his feelings about the wedding day. "I just want to get everything done. I don't want a big fuss over things. I want us just to get started. We've both been married once. We have an unusual circumstance, certainly." He looked down at his cup and back at me. He was acting differently than usual. I realized he was nervous. "But what about you Eve? This is your marriage too. The last thing I want is for you to regret, or feel it wasn't—"

"Why are you going on like this?" I smiled at him. "Are you nervous?"

He took a breath and looked down. He put the coffee on the table. He rand his hands through his hair, then he turned back to me. "Yes. I guess I am. I just want us to be done with it. Today."

"I'm not objecting."

"Do you know how many times you've said you didn't really love me? No, how many times you've said you hated me? That you never wanted to see me again? I want to know it's not true. That you don't hate me."

"No. I don't think I've said that so many times."

"Well I just want it to be finished. I want all of the uncertainty gone. Now that you're here I don't want you to leave me again. I want you to be my wife."

"All right, I've agreed to that."

"All right," he seemed worried.

"Tell me the schedule for today." I sipped my coffee and noted it was different than the watery, percolated type I was accustomed to. This was stronger, with a rich and bitter flavor. He'd put cream and sugar in. I smiled at him, "You remembered how I like my coffee."

"Of course. Listen Eve. First I want to give you something. Would you come here and sit beside me?"

I felt myself grow flush. I knew it was a ring. I put my coffee down and walked over and sat on the bed next to him. He removed a box from his pocket. He opened it and held it in front of me. It was a large sapphire engagement ring with sparkling diamonds on either side of the setting. The band was the same platinum with small diamonds circling the ring. Because of it's unexpected beauty, I reflexively reached for the box, but he held my hand preventing me. He looked at me intently for a moment.

"I want to do it." He removed the engagement ring, held my hand and gently slid it on to my ring finger. He then removed the band and slipped it on my finger too.

"Don't we put the band on once we're married?"

He just looked at me and his eyes were so intent I realized I was holding my breath. "No. As of right now, you're my wife."

I looked down at the ring. Then I looked at his left hand. There was a platinum band.

"Is your band the same as the one you wore with Margaret? When you married her?"

"Of course not. God Eve, why would you ask me that?"

"Don't get so angry with me. I don't know."

"Listen. I know it isn't easy, but we've both been married before. Not just me. I never liked the idea of you walking down the aisle with Nick either."

I ran my fingers over the ring. In my mind, I compared it to the one Nick had given me. A small gold band, that was all. I never thought about how modest it was, until that moment looking at Jeff's ring.

"May I kiss you, Eve?" he said gently touching my face, leaning in towards me.

I pulled back some. "Can't we wait?" I asked him.

He took my hand, and smiled. Then he stood up. "Ok, Mrs. Lambert. We'll start our day then?" He looked at me. He still seemed nervous. "Perhaps you should get dressed and I'll come back and talk to you about the schedule for the day." As he walked to the doorway, I imagined him in his tuxedo with Margaret. I compared that image to him at right then, standing there with me.

"Jeff, I found pictures of you with Margaret." I gestured towards the jewelry box on the dresser. "They were of your wedding. Right there in the drawer of the jewelry box. In fact, I think it's full of her Jewelry. You should put it away somewhere for the children."

He nodded. He raised his eyebrows and started to say something. "I don't know what to say."

"About the photographs? You just looked happy. That's all. Happier and more handsome than I've ever seen you."

"Well I wasn't happy," he whispered. "It was the worst day of my life. I was very unhappy. I suppose I looked like that for the camera."

I nodded and looked down at my ring, "All right. I just wanted you to know."

"I wasn't happy that day. Eve, I was God damned miserable."

"All right. I'll be ready shortly," I said and mustered a smile.

" Once you are dressed, I'd like you to meet the children."

"Of course." He started out of the room. "Wait. Jeff."

He turned back.

"I planned to wear something nice, a little dressier than usual. Do you think that's a good idea? Just to go to the courthouse? Maybe I shouldn't."

"I will too," he stared at me for a long moment. I don't know why but asking him that made me feel self-conscious. He walked back over to me and took my hands and led me up to standing. I stood in front of him, afraid to look in his eyes. Instead I looked at my ring.

"Eve," he whispered. "This is all I've ever wanted." He kissed me on the cheek. "I'll wear something nice too."

I nodded.

He lifted my chin and looked at me, his eyes full of love. "Do you want more of a wedding?"

I shook my head. "No. I don't want to pretend anything any more. I don't want to make believe that this is different than it is."

He dropped his shoulders and looked away. "Will you continue to be this way, once we're married? Will you continue to reject me and say such hurtful things to me?"

"Jeff I'm not saying I don't care about you. I wouldn't have come here." I touched his hand. "What I meant was that I don't want a crowd of strangers to come to a ceremony while I make my entrance into your rich society. I've been marred. I had an affair with a married man. That's the fact of the matter. I don't want to advertise it."

He turned to me and put his hand on my cheek. "I'm sorry Eve," he whispered, "I can't wait for you to love me again. I have to touch you." He kissed me my lips. At first, I let him, I was slipping into the endless space; an old yearning for him was quenched just for a moment. I pulled away a little and looked at him. I didn't want him to know that was happening. I also feared –remembered-- that he was incapable of maintaining these passionate feelings towards me. He'd always stretched my feelings taut, pulled me as far as he could from my own strength and power and when he released me -- in the past--I'd been terribly broken. I hadn't cared about my own dignity or even my safety. He couldn't know how different I'd become? In fact, I didn't know until later that I too could feel both love and hatred. Perhaps, it hadn't existed before I married him, but the seed was there. I was only half honest, just like him. I considered allowing the current to take me where it would and when it changed direction follow that too.

I whispered. I felt my face grow flush. "I'm afraid you will change. That you'll hurt me again. You have a tendency to fall in love with me then after a while you hate me."

He looked down at me. "I never hated you. How can you say that? You use that word so freely, as if you don't understand how much it can hurt someone. Why do you do that?"

"Never mind. I shouldn't spoil everything." I moved away from him walked back to the bench and picked my coffee up off the table. I held it and stared out the window for a moment. I felt I could rely on myself if this was a lie. The noise from the city rose up and the din absorbed my worry. I heard an ambulance and peered out bud couldn't see any flashing lights. I turned back to him and smiled. "I'm sorry I've told you I hated you. It was because you hurt me--Tell me what else we are doing today. I don't want to wait until after I get dressed. Tell me what you have planned."

He let out a deep breath and looked frustrated. I was already too much. "All right, Eve. After you've dressed, you can have some breakfast. Marian has eggs and fruit and muffins. But, you can have whatever you'd like. Then, I'd like you to meet the children—"

"I'd like to meet them first, coffee is fine for the time being."

Jeff softened and smiled. His affection was restored. "They'd love that. They're going crazy."

"Well, I'll hurry getting ready." A part of me feared that I would not be able to love Clara and Jeffery. I reasoned with myself that they were Charlie's siblings; they hadn't done anything to bring about the circumstances. For that matter neither had Margaret. I was the one who'd done something wrong. Jeff and me. Now, I was in her home, looking at her pictures, marrying her husband—I was the one who deserved to be disliked. Not the children. "What else?" I asked him, "What else do we have to do today?"

"We'll go to sign the marriage license." Before today I had always been on the outside of Jeff's life and being his wife was something I couldn't ever have. Even the last time we saw each other in Bend, that horrible event, I would have married him all along. But, that wasn't what he had been asking me to do. He'd wanted me to stay in another town alone and wait for him in between the time he spent with his real family. When I wouldn't he saw to it that I suffered in ways that I couldn't have imagined. That was why Carmen hated him. That was why Harry had a gang of men beat him before he left Portland. I imagined it for a moment, and felt sorry. I hadn't asked them to do that.

"I'd like for you to meet my sister and my father afterwards."

I nodded.

"If it's all right, I'll bring you home and you can rest while I visit the attorney."

"To talk about the finances?"

"Yes. So that everything is accounted for and your money is secure."

"That's fine. Should I give you the papers and records that Frank kept for me."

"Yes." He looked at me and seemed to be trying to figure something out about me. "Would you like to come to the lawyer with me?"

"What for?"

"To know about the money now that we're married."

It hadn't dawned on me to get involved with any of that. "Why should I?"

"Well because once we're married..." he didn't finish.

"Why?"

"I don't know Eve. Of course I'll handle financial matters. I would just think maybe you would want to understand our situation."

"No. I don't. Unless you insist."

"Of course not."

I'd never liked discussing money or even having anything to do with it for that matter. I'd let Carmen's father manage the inheritance, then Nick and then Frank. It seemed more natural to me that way.

He turned towards the door once again. He took on an authoritative tone. "All right, darling. You get dressed."

I nodded and turned towards the closet.

"I want you to look beautiful for me. You'll do that, won't you?"

I had planned on attending a wedding the year before in Bend. It was for a girl who was in the garden club. One that I'd grown very fond of. Hers was one of the few very close friendships I'd made. I've always been one to have many acquaintances but only a few intimate friends. Eleanor was one such friend. Mary had helped me make a beautiful taupe dress. It was a sleeveless satin and there was a darker chiffon scalloped neck. It narrowed around my waist and then was pleated and fuller on the bottom as was becoming the style that year. That was the dress I packed to wear when Jeff and I went to the courthouse to get married. I had never worn it because, although I'd been home from the hospital for more than six months, I found I couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't leave my room at Mary's house. I'd abandoned everything and succumbed to the worst kind of living nightmares. I lay in bed day after day in the darkness trying to quell the demons. Of course I didn't go to Eleanor's wedding. I wouldn't even go the mile and a half down the road from Mary's to get to my own house. Eleanor and I lost touch after that. I never wanted anything else from Bend after the asylum.

Holding the dress, knowing it was my wedding day felt as much of a dream as those days in Bend. It was a different kind of dream. It wasn't a nightmare exactly. The demons lurked around the edges, but really they had been haunting me since I was dragged away. Instead, in that moment holding my cocktail dress, one that I knew looked beautiful on me, I felt myself start to cry. I never realized how much I'd wanted to go to Eleanor's wedding. I never realized how much I valued her friendship. I'd forgotten what I had in Bend at one time. I wiped my eyes with a handkerchief and pulled a slip over my head. Then, I put the dress on. I wished so much that Mary were there to zip the side, fasten the hooks. I could manage it; it wasn't that. I wanted her to fuss over me and tell me I was lovely. I wanted her proud grey eyes examining me. I wanted her to quell my fears. You'll be all right darling. He's a very handsome man. I'm sure he's changed. Instead, I dressed alone in the grand guest bedroom in this foreign house where Jeff had lived with his wife. Still, I made myself beautiful. I wanted the event to mark a change in my life. I hoped it would be a change for the better. My hair had a natural wave. I sprayed it and styled it the way Jeff liked it. I pulled my nylons up and fastened them to the garter. I stepped into opened toe black pumps. I considered the little pillbox hat with the rhinestone but it felt awkward. I looked at myself in the mirror. I wished I could be the person I saw in my reflection. I took a deep breath and reached into the small velvet jewelry pouch in my travel bag. I removed a three stringed pearl choker and matching earrings. I saw the jade and coin charm bracelet Jeff had given me years ago. I also saw Nick's ring in the bag. I picked the gold band up and examined it. I put it on my ring finger on my right hand. I brought it to my lips and kissed it. I put the it back in the pouch with the bracelet Jeff had given me.

Just as I popped my lipstick case in my purse, I heard laughter outside the door. I couldn't help but smile. The three children were obviously right outside giggling. I felt steady again. There was nothing that made me feel all right like Charlie did. I heard a woman's voice quietly but sternly dispensing a reprimand "Children. No! Do not bother your mother." I was surprised at how freely she used the word mother. It was odd to me, that the children hadn't even met me and already they were told I was their mother. I heard more laughter and knocks on the door. I went to the door and opened it. They jumped backwards, startled that their efforts had their desired effect. Standing behind them with a look of worry was a young blond woman with her hair back in a long braid. She had steel blue eyes and looked like a girl I'd met once from Sweden. So much so that I thought she would have a Swedish accent, but she didn't.

"I'm so sorry Mrs. Lambert." She seemed nervous.

I smiled at her. "There's nothing to apologize for and you can call me Eve. What's your name?"

"I'm Elise. I'm the children's nanny. I suppose I'm Charlie's nanny now." With that the children rushed into the room and climbed on the bed. Before she hoisted herself up, Jeff's little girl Clara somehow managed to hoist her two-year-old brother Jeffery, onto the bed. Charlie climbed up easily. "No, no. Why are you being so mischievous!" Elise started for them.

"Really it's all right." I took off my pumps and climbed up on the bed with them. I sat in the middle, against the headboard and they surrounded me. Elise sat on the window seat quietly inspecting me, I suspected. Immediately the little girl, Clara who was about a year older than Charlie –maybe five years old-- came and sat right beside me. She reached up and touched my hair. She stared at me with the same blue eyes as Charlie's and Jeff's

"Hello darling, you must be Clara." I put my hand on her back as she investigated who this new mother was.

"Yes. That's me. I'm Clara. I'm Jeffrey's sister. He's daddy's second favorite."

"I see." Jeffery was making his way towards me too. He climbed on my lap and I admired his cherub face. It was hard to say who he looked like. His mother was so frail, petite and gaunt. Jeff was so filled out, perfectly masculine features. To me, the child didn't resemble either one of them. His eyes were a deep brown and his hair reddish. He lifted his arms for me to hold him. I placed him in my lap and he sat there contentedly.

Charlie climbed on the other side of me and kneeled leaning into my shoulder and announced. "She's my mother. She was mine first."

"Well, not any more Clara said. She's all of our mother." It felt like this was a chapter from the book Mary Poppins and I was the children's new nanny ready to begin our adventures.

Charlie leaned over and whispered in my ear. When he cupped his hand I could feel how sticky his fingers were. "Are you their mother too?"

I kissed on the cheek and smiled. "We're a family now." I said. He seemed satisfied with that answer and then sat down beside me and watched Clara who was admiring my hair. It was surprising to me that Charlie was being so generous with sharing my attention. He always seemed to want my undivided attention. Or, if he were with Frank or Mary he'd insist on theirs. He certainly never had to negotiate love with other children. But he seemed proud and very happy. We were all focused on Clara who had a way of commanding the room. Even Jeffery as he sat on my lap leaning against me sucking his thumb, kept his brown eyes on his sister. Clara asked abundant questions.

I looked up and saw Jeff in the doorway. He walked in and picked Jeffery up from my lap. "Children," he half scolded. Today is an important day, you shouldn't mess up your mother's clothes. "This is no way to behave." He walked over and handed Jeffery to Elise who took him in her arms and cuddled him.

"Is that true?" Clara asked. She was absolutely darling and there was no longer any doubt that I would love her and Jeffery as my own. My fear of disliking them had completely dissipated. I couldn't get enough of the little girl. "Is it? Are you my new mother? I was just pretending before but how is it possible?"

I laughed, "It just is."

"But you're moving into our house and becoming our mother? Just in one day?"

Her words were sobering. Of course she was only five, this was her home. It had been hers, Jeffery's, Margaret's and Jeff's. Not mine. This is the home they shared with their mother who had left them so unexpectedly, it felt terrible. If she only knew what I'd done to her mother.

I touched her and gently tucked her hair behind her ear. I looked into her blue eyes. "Sweetheart, it's all new to you. We'll take time to get to know each other. Is that all right with you?"

She frowned and then smiled a sly smile. "No!" she shouted "I want you to be my mother right now!" Then she and Charlie started jumping on the bed next to me.

At that Jeff moved to the bed and reached for Clara, "That's enough now," he said, but Charlie and Clara were too fast and were giggling. When Jeff finally got a hold of her, Clara pulled away and moved close to me again. She put her arms around my neck.

"It's all right Jeff. You wanted me to meet them. I just love them both. I honestly do."

Clara looked at Jeff. "She would like me to fix her hair." I saw the tension cross Jeff's face. He'd wanted me a certain way. I didn't really care. Clara took her hands and tried sculpting my hair into an imagined style. I looked at Jeff who was shaking his head.

I mouthed, "It's fine. My hair is fine."

He took a deep breath and let it out. He picked Clara up in one swoop and placed her standing on the floor. He leaned down and looked her in the eye, "Don't disobey me again like that. Do you understand?"

Clara's face turned flush and she walked over to Elise with her head down. I moved to the side of the bed and gently lifted Charlie down. Clara walked back over to me and held her arms out. I moved off the bed and leaned down to her level. She put her arms around my neck, "I love you. Already I love you."

I realized that it must mean so much to have a chance at a new mother. I'd never had that. I was always alone after my own mother had died. I practically lived with Carmen and there really wasn't enough room in her mother's heart to muster maternal love for another child. As much as she tried, I could tell I was never special like her flesh and blood. I decided in that moment, with Clara's little arms around me that I would be that for this pretty child and for her beautiful baby brother. I would open my heart to them. And, it would be just as it was with Charlie. Charlie would be happy about it too.

"All right Clara, let her go now." Jeff's voice remained serious. Then he turned to Elise, "Take the children." Elise was almost startled when he directed her. She immediately stood and walked over to the bed. She took Clara by the hand. Charlie watched the scene which I was sure was exciting for him, but it must have been overwhelming at the same time.

"May I say goodbye to Charlie?" I asked Jeff. I don't know why I felt I needed to ask his permission. He seemed to command the room at that moment.

"You don't have to ask me permission," he said. His eyes never left me and I could feel his watching as I called Charlie over.

I put my arms around Charlie and whispered into his ear "are you going to be all right if I go out for a little while?"

He drew his head up and looked into my eyes. "I love you."

I smiled at him. "I love you too, darling. Will you be all right for a little while? You can play with Elise and Clara and the baby?"

He nodded.

"Really?" I pressed.

"Can I play with my train in the yard?"

'I'm sure that's all right."

"Would you take the children outside somewhere Elise? Is there a garden or park where Charlie can play with his train? Would that be all right?"

"Of course." She said and for the first time she smiled at me.

After they left the room. Jeff stood against the doorframe and looked at me.

"What is it?"

"I'd forgotten is all."

"What do you mean? What have you forgotten?"

"All of it. All of you. The children adore you. Here you are looking like a film star. So stunning, in a beautiful dress and you let my little children climb all over you, mess your hair. Then, when I shoo them away, you don't look anything but perfect."

"Don't embarrass me. When you study me like this, you embarrass me."

He nodded. "All right."

He looked handsome too. His attire wasn't much different than usual, maybe a little dressier. Trousers, pressed white shirt and tie. He walked over to me and took me by the hands.

Signing the papers really did make things seem like a business arrangement. It let me down. It wasn't romantic at all and we didn't even kiss. It seemed as soon as the document was in front of us, the closer we came to being man and wife, the more distant we both behaved towards each other. We signed the paper and a bailiff acted as a witness.

We walked out of the courthouse and didn't say anything to each other. His expression was obscured by the brim of his hat. He lit a cigarette and we walked down the sidewalk to where his car is parked. He opened my door for me and still he didn't say anything or look at me.

"Are you disappointed?" I finally asked as he turned on to the highway leading out of Chicago."

"Of course not," he said but it was low almost under his breath.

"Why aren't you speaking to me?"

"I feel the weight of my responsibility to you now. I hadn't realized."

"What do you mean?"

"Eve, I caused you so much anguish. I lost my mind over jealousy and possessiveness. My feelings for you have always worried me. I'm just worried."

"I don't understand what you're saying to me. Are you afraid you'll do something to hurt me now that we're married."

"No."

I bit my fingernail and rolled down the window. "Won't your hair get ruined?" He asked.

"No."

I didn't look at him.

"Are you disappointed." He said touching my arm.

I shook my head but didn't look at him. Instead I stared out at the flat geography. I saw farms begin to replace houses. We were driving out to his family home, half an hour out of Chicago.

"Look at me Eve."

I turned to him.

"What did I say?" he asked. He looked vulnerable. I was beginning to feel horrible. I felt it was a mistake. He had done more than just hurt me. If I hadn't had Carmen and Mary, I would still be there I'd be crazy by now.

"You did more than hurt me as a man hurts a woman. Why did you do such a thing to me?" When I said it I was so full of contempt that it made my hands shake. I pulled my arm away from his touch. "Did you enjoy knowing I was restrained to a bed, given medicine anytime I opened my eyes. Did you care that I cried out for Charlie all night long?"

"Of course I cared about you."

"Why did you do it? You were having a baby of your own—you and Margaret-- when did that to me—" I stopped myself. I felt eerily calm. I didn't say another word the rest of the drive.

Unlike my happy meeting with the children, my introduction to Jeff's sister and their father was a disaster. They were honestly the worst people I'd ever met and their home, despite being a beautiful mansion was a stifling unbearable hell. If I thought Jeff's life was stilted and wealthy, this was ten times worse. As soon as we got to the door we were greeted but a man I assumed was a butler. Unlike the two staff Jeff had at his apartment, I saw men and women in uniforms carrying out all sorts of duties around the house. Neil, Jeff's father and Julia, Jeff's sister sauntered into an enormous foyer, the floor looked like one large slab of marble. There were sculptures in three places, all were tall bronze figures in various upright poses. Two velvet settee's were on either side of the room and a chandelier hung from the celling. A circular staircase led to what looked like two more floors above us. Within seconds, I sensed that they both disapproved of me. Neil took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, his eyes squinted as he examined me.

Julia kissed me on the cheek, "Eve, it is so lovely to meet you. What a marvelous dress, where did you find it?"

"I made it," I said to her.

She backed away a little and her pale blue eyes looked at me in confusion. Her eyes were the same hue as Jeff's but instead of his opaque indigo color, hers were more translucent, a clear Oregon sky. There was no doubt that she had airs about her. Unlike the natural wave that my dark hair held, hers was straighter and blonde with just a subtle wave at the end. She wore it parted dramatically to one side. She was beautiful in the truest sense of the word, but she didn't have much charm. In fact, she seemed to me jealous and unhappy. Their home was horrible. I felt the minutes ticking away in elongated stretches of time that felt like hours. I could see how growing up there would make anyone miserable. I looked at Jeff. He raised his eyebrows and smiled at me. He was smoking a cigarette.

"Do you have to light a cigarette before you even get into the house? There's not even an ashtray in here."

"It wouldn't be so hard to get one would it, Julia?"

She rolled her eyes and lifted her hand to play with her long strand of pearls.

It was awkward with all of us in the foyer and it had seemed we had been there so long that I thought maybe that would be it. That Jeff would introduce me and then we would just leave.

Julia squinted her eyes at me. She was still examining my dress. I felt in that moment as if I had over dressed for going to city hall. Even looking at Jeff he had a casual air about him, despite his fine clothing. But, me I felt as if I should be going to a cocktail party. "I think its just lovely that you made this Eve. Really."

"Thank you. My son's grandmother and I did. It was for a friend's wedding."

"His grandmother, is that your mother, Eve?"

Jeff moved closer and put his hand on my waist. "All right, Julia you'll have time to interrogate Eve later." Jeff's father, Neil didn't move. Nor did he take his eyes off of me. I sensed that this was a significant event for them.

Julia took on a disgusted look and her eyes met mine with a fierce intention, "Well, before we join the children in the other room, I for one want to make it imminently clear that we all know the circumstances of this marriage. It just has to be out in the open."

I looked from Jeff to Neil and neither of them so much as flinched at her direct insult to me. I felt myself summons Carmen in the face of this competitive and nasty girl. Together Carmen and I would have reduced Julia to tears. Julia reminded me so much of a girl I'd known in high school, Dot Edwards. She was a cheerleader, and very pretty. She had it out for me a few years after my mother had died, while I was living with Carmen's family. She wanted to make me out to have had a poor upbringing. She had her eyes on Nick and it had always been clear that we were a couple. Carmen and I together were a strong enough force to keep her on the fringes of our high school social life. For that Dot hated us even more. And, Dot got what she deserved in the end. She wound up pregnant and having to marry the child's father. My thoughts abruptly halted. I was no different.

"Julia, I appreciate you bringing that up. It was your brother who called me to come to Chicago. I was perfectly happy in Oregon. I didn't seek him out. Or didn't you know that?"

That got Jeff and Neil's attention. While Julia's comment hadn't made a dent in the tenor of our introductions, mine caused everyone to look as if I'd dumped a bucket of water on their heads.

Julia looked as if she were going to cry as if she were still a child Clara's age who didn't get what she'd wanted. Of course, I could see that Julia had always gotten what she'd wanted.

Jeff turned to Julia. "Julia, Eve's my wife now. I love her. That's why she's here."

It seemed diluted and insincere to me. Then, as if on cue, Jeff's father' Neil walked over to me and took me by the hand, "Let's let these two fight it out, why don't you come into the sitting room with me." He walked me towards a large room with floor to ceiling windows and heavy velvet drapes. The room was so large that there were two sitting areas, each complimenting the other but with different aesthetics. The seating area to one side had a wall of glass doors that led to a smaller enclosed room, that room had jade tiled floors that even from a distance I could see were arranged in circular patterns. Iron furniture and potted plants decorated that area. That side of the room, the one Neil led me to, looked out through the glass windows into a garden and rolling hills beyond. The other seating area faced a formal fireplace with a marble mantle. There were two portraits hanging above the fireplace, one of a man and one of a woman. I supposed these people were Jeff's grandparents or, perhaps, his great grand parents but I didn't know. Between the two sitting areas was an enormous marble table with the largest vase and floral arrangement I'd ever seen. I realized that the sitting room, as Neil called it, really looked like a fancy hotel lobby except for all of the paintings and art which made it also feel like a museum. It was quiet like a museum too. He had his hand on my waist guiding me. It, in some way, had the appearance of a paternal gesture but it made my insides clench because it felt like something more intrusive. It felt like a different kind of disrespect than Julia had shown, but disrespect just the same. He led me into the sitting area adjacent to the small glass enclosed conservatory. I had wished we'd gone out there instead. Once I was closer I could see that there were glass doors on either side of the attached room, and they were open so there would have been an outdoor breeze passing through. Instead we sat on formal brocade covered couches. Once we turned to seat ourselves, I saw Julia's two children. They were seated on chairs in the sitting area. They had been sitting perfectly still, I supposed during the introductions in the foyer. When I entered the room they both stood and waited for Neil to introduce me. "Eve, these are Julia's children Abigail and George." I nodded and smiled at them. Abigail looked about five and George about seven. I leaned forward and took George's extended hand.

He shook it and kept a formal, polite gaze on me. "It's nice to meet you both."

"This is your aunt Eve." Neil said and motioned for me to sit down. I hated these people.

Jeff and Julia entered. They had been right behind us so I knew Julia hadn't left despite how upset she was. Still, her face looked as though she had been crying. Jeff took a seat next to me and Julia sat on one of the chairs facing the sofa, between us was a marble coffee table. I didn't feel the need to initiate the conversation as it wasn't my house. I was simply waiting for this horrible ritual to be over and to go home and see my own children. It was that thought that struck me and of all the things that could have made me happy that day –even getting married to Jeff- it was the thought that I was now the mother of three children.

Julia finally spoke, "I'm sorry for what I said, Eve. It's just that it's been a difficult year for all of us. It hasn't even been a year since Margaret's passing. It was a shock to all of us. We loved her very much. I'm sure you understand."

I looked at Jeff and he squinted one eye and leaned over to me, "ignore her," he whispered, "she's drunk." I couldn't help but smile.

"It really isn't anything to joke about Jeff."

"I wouldn't."

A woman dressed in a white uniform carried in a tray with mixed drinks and juice for the children. I took mine and had a sip. "What is it?" I asked Jeff.

"Whiskey sour."

It was only early afternoon, but I supposed it was a Saturday.

The afternoon went on like this. Jeff and the rest of his family drank several drinks, the children sat still as statues—in truth I'd forgotten they were there—and I just held my each drink as the maid replaced one after another with fresh glasses. She'd take my untouched one and provide me with another. The depressing circus that was Jeff's family made me feel sick to my stomach. Julia was very loose from the alcohol and her mascara was just a little smeared and it made her eyes look older, deeper. She turned to me.

"Jeff said there was literally no culture what so ever anywhere in the state of Oregon."

"Did he? I wonder why he would tell you that—we have cow-milking competitions at the fair, and let's see," I turned to Jeff, "How could you say there's no culture—you were at the grain festival—" Jeff gave me a stern look of disapproval. He wanted me to stop. I was going to far.

At that I took a sip of my drink. I could have said a lot of other things but I just placed my drink on the napkin sitting on the table in front of me. I turned to Jeff who was arguing with his father over a painter I'd never heard of. I touched his shoulder and he turned to me. "I'm very tired," I said.

"Of course," he said to me. At that he turned to his father, "we're going home. I still have things to do today and I know Eve would like to get back to the children."

Neil stood and when I walked over to Abigail and George to say goodbye, I overheard him say, " at least this one's good looking. I can see why you brought her here."

How had all of this existed unbeknownst to me? It was all starting to become so shocking. This had been Jeff's life? How had he kept it all from me? I supposed that during our affair, Jeff just visited my small world. That was where things remained. I realized that as much as I'd felt that he and I were sharing everything, really we were only existing in pretense. There was a real life waiting for him every time he walked out of my house. It was this. No wonder he wanted to escape. I began to think that perhaps I had been the only one who'd paid him the sort of attention that made him feel loved and special. I wondered if anyone before me had sat with him, listening for hours about his ideas on philosophy or art. I doubted his wife ever posed for him under candle light while he sketched her as he had with me. I began to think that was why, whenever he'd finished his drawings of me, I'd still be laying there posing for him and he'd come over to me and touch my flesh as if it were clay, as if he were sculpting me.

After our visit, Jeff dropped me off at the apartment so he could go visit the attorney. He had my brown folder full of financial papers, deeds, stock certificates. I knew they would be all organized since Frank had been managing my affairs.

"Jeff," I said, "I don't want to live in this house."

"No?"

I shook my head.

"Of course you don't. We'll find something that you can make ours."

"I don't want to live in the city. I want to look out my window at fields and woods. I want a garden where I can start arranging flowers again."

"Darling you can have whatever you want. I'll arrange for a driver and you and Elise can take the children with you, you can start right away. I know an agent who will help you."

"I don't know where to go."

"You tell the agent what you're looking for."
"But I don't know."

"We'll talk when I get home." He reached to touch my hand, but I pulled it away.

"All right, when you get home."

I spent a few hours with the children that afternoon, but I was so exhausted, mostly it consisted of Elise and I sitting on the playroom floor taking turns reading books while Clara lined up Teddy bears as audience. Charlie listened in rapt attention, leaning his body against mine, growing heavier. Jeffery had fallen asleep on the floor in front of me. Elise and I were getting so tired, that we were getting silly. Elise was jumbling up words and every time we tried to stop reading so she could usher the children into the bath, Clara would protest pointing out how we were playing favorites with the stuffed bears, How could we? She repeated. It was so kind unkind to the other bears that she didn't know how to explain it. Elise and I exchanged looks. I was still in my dress, my wedding dress. I knew I must have looked mussed and tired. I'd been through so much. I wanted to go to sleep but I was afraid to go into the room knowing Jeff would join me. I was afraid to change clothes because I didn't want him to walk in and see me in a slip or naked. I heard the front door and Marian's shoes tapping against the marble tiles.

"I have to go Elise." I turned to Charlie to ask him if he'd be all right if I left, but he had scooted down on the floor and fallen asleep too. "Do you need any help?"

"No Mrs. Lambert, I'll see they get to bed and give them a bath tomorrow."

"Really, call me Eve."

She smiled. She was sweet too, hardly more than a girl herself. "I don't think Mr. Lambert would like that very much."

I stood up and straightened my dress. "Well we'll talk again tomorrow. Oh and Elise. I'm going to be looking for houses, Mr. lambert thought it would be helpful if you came with me. We could bring the children."

Her eyes lit up. "Yes, that would be fine."

I walked down the hallway into the library where Miriam had told me that Jeff usually had a scotch and a cigarette after he came home. I peeked in the paneled room and it was darkened with only a flicker of a small desk lamp. He wasn't there.

I walked back out and looked around the parlor and the music room. I walked down the rear hallway and I saw the light on in the master bedroom. I walked slowly to the door and Jeff was seated in one of the upholstered chairs by the window seat. He was indeed having scotch and a cigarette. He was reading a book. I walked in quietly and he didn't look up until I was close to him.

"I didn't hear you come in."

I sat down in the other chair, across from him. I bit my lip and removed my shoes. My feet hurt more than I'd realized until that moment. "Did you go to the attorney?"

He closed the book and put it on the table. He was still smoking. "I did."

"What did he say?"

Jeff snuffed out his cigarette and loosened his tie. "It seems that you have quiet a bit of money yourself."

I nodded. I knew I had. I'd inherited a great deal from my father and my mother had come from money. Not like Jeff's, but no so unlike his social status.

"Why have you always behaved as if you didn't?"

"I don't behave as if I didn't. I was just living my life. Besides, its not that much money."

"You're a funny girl, Eve. Everything is all taken care of." He stood up and walked over to the bed. He sat down. "Come over here, darling."

I stood and walked to him. He took my hands and smiled at me. "Eve I want you to get undressed."

I could feel my body freeze up. No one had touched me since that afternoon. As I was looking into his eyes, it started slowly at first, but then the memories began taking over. I felt my breathing grow shallow. I looked at him. I must have looked frightened or panicked, but I think, as first, he interpreted my expression as with holding.

He leaned down and looked into my eyes, "It doesn't work that way any more." He said. "You're my wife now. I'm not chasing you anymore." I felt the blood rush from my face.

"It's not that," I whispered. I was so distraught but I wasn't crying. Rather, I was frozen. He stood up and kissed me. He unzipped my dress and it fell towards my waist. He ran his hands on top of my slip, over my breasts as kissed my neck.

He stopped and looked up at me. "Are you frightened of me?"

My mind had fully returned to the afternoon a year before. I couldn't speak. I was there again, laying on the bed. Jeff was on top of me, he was tearing at me, trying to pull my skirt up while pressing his arm down hard against my shoulders. I could see the objects in my room, the one's I had placed there when I'd first moved in. I had been so excited to have a home of my own.

"Eve?" I could hear him saying, but I couldn't move. Instead, time had retreated. It was a year ago. I was not in the present any more. It wasn't my wedding night. I wasn't in Chicago. I was suspended with only the searing pain ripping through me. I let out a cry. I pulled away from him and lay on the bed, my head in the pillow. I was clenching my arms around my body.

He moved next to me on the bed. "Eve?" he said more urgently. "Eve what are you doing?"

I stopped crying and it was over. The feelings stopped just as suddenly as they'd come. Instead all I felt was a numbness. It was as if I were suspended above my body looking down at Jeff. I didn't recognize him. When I looked at him, my eyes must have been vacant.

"You're my wife now, Eve. What's happening to you?"

This time, I woke back up to time and place. I turned to him.

"You look terrified. Is it what happened in Bend? I'm sorry I said that about chasing you. I was trying to be clever. It was insensitive." He sat back against the pillows. "Here sit up, let me put my arm around you."

I moved into his arms and he held me.

"I'm confused," I whispered.

"What just happened? Something happened to you." He looked worried. "What was it, darling?" He had a demeanor I saw only rarely. It was real. It was love. He sat up in bed and lit a cigarette. I leaned back against the pillows. My body was exhausted from remembering. "Look at me Eve."

I turned to him.

"Are you really so damaged?"

That made me start to cry again. "Is that how I seem to you? Damaged?" That was the word; that was what had happened to me. I was damaged.

"I didn't mean--," he whispered. He kissed me on the forehead.

"No. It's just hard to be with you like this."

"Like what?"

"This."

"Eve, I've only seen a flicker of affection for me. You've hardly shown any emotion over losing Mary. Eve, the only time you look completely happy is when you're with the children."

I nodded and dried my eyes. "Can't I just stay in the guest room tonight? For a little while?"

"No. We have to get through this. Tell me."

"Tell you what?

"What happened to you."

I looked into his eyes. The numbness was starting again. I closed them quickly to stop the images that were threatening to invade my consciousness. I was afraid if I saw them, he would too and he would see the blackness that had nearly consumed my soul. I opened my eyes again and he looked concerned. He put his hand on my cheek. "If I did this to you. Then tell me what I've done."

"Why should I?"

"Because you're my wife."

I started to cry again. "I don't know if I'm able to go through with this."

He turned his tilted his head and examined me. "Go through with what?"

"The marriage, being here with you and your children."

"Eve, you've already gone through with it."

"May I have one of your cigarettes," I asked.

"No." he said softly, touching my cheek. "I don't want you to smoke. Let me fix you a drink instead."

He left and returned a few moments later with a gin and tonic. He handed it to me and sat on the edge of the bed next to me. I drank it and the cool flavor of the gin relaxed me immediately.

"I don't know why I came back to you after what you did to me."

"Why did you?"

"Because," I took another sip. It was a long one and I closed my eyes for a moment, holding the drink close, ready for more. He took the glass from me and placed it on the bedside table.

"Why did you come back to me then, Eve. Was it because Mary died?"

"Can I have my drink back?" He reached and picked up the glass. He gave it to me and I swallowed down a few more sips quickly. He looked towards the window, the blackness of night caused the room to be reflected back in the window. In that moment, it seemed poetic somehow. Or prophetic. Were we looking at a reflection of us togehter.

He touched my arm and looked into my eyes. "I don't know what to say to get us through this. I always would have married you if I could have. You are the only woman I've ever loved. Eve. it's more than that. When I'm been apart from you, I feel like I can't live."

"You always say things like this, but you had me sent away. I may have never been released. When I was, it was because of a technicality. It's hard for me to believe that you didn't know they would hurt me." I looked down while I said, "That's why I say you hated me."

"I don't understand why you came here. Why you agreed to marry me? If you feel I did all this to you."

I finished my drink. "Can I have another?'

"No." he took my glass and put it on the bedside table. "That's enough." He looked down at the bed. "I did know it would be bad." He shook his head. "I don't know how I could have done that to you. You're right. I knew you would be hurt, but I only thought you'd be there a day or two at the most."

"I was tied to a bed in a room with eight other women. They moaned at night. I was taken away from Charlie. You put me there and you left me there." I put my head in my hands and cried. "Who were you to put me there even for two days? But it wasn't two days it was almost a month."

"Eve, please let's put this behind us. Please look at me."

I lifted my head. "I'm ruining everything." I whispered.

"Why on earth did you come back to me, after what you say I've done to you?"

I looked at him. I felt a strong fear inside of me. It was an inescapable loneliness. I didn't answer for a moment. Then, I said, "Because after Mary died, there was no one left in my life who I knew really loves me. She was the last one. There were my parents. Then Nick. Then Mary. They knew me and I always felt how much they cherished me."

"So that's why you came? Because you know I love you too?"

"Maybe." I said quietly. "That's what I'd hoped."

"Come here, please," he whispered. I moved closer and he put his arms around me. I cried as he held me. "You're not alone in the world, darling. I love you. You belong with me." After a moment, he said, "I'm sorry Eve." He lifted my hand, I noticed how the ring caught the light. He held my hand in his and gently ran his fingers over my skin. "I'm sorry. I went crazy Eve. I'm the one who went crazy." He started to stand up, "I want to show you something--put your robe on and come with me for a moment."

"Where are we going?"

"Come with me."

I stood and put my robe on. He held my hand and led me out of the room. The hallway was already starting to become familiar. I walked with him down to his study, the room where we'd sat the night before, when he had said we would be sleeping together as man and wife once we were married. We entered the study and he switched on a lamp on the desk by the wall of cabinets and bookshelves. "Come over here." He was walking towards a wall of mahogany cabinets. There were glass paned doors that went almost all the way up to the high ceilings. The bookcases held books, ones that looked very old. There was also brightly colored pottery displayed. There were three deep drawers on the lowest part of the cabinets.

"Sit here on the floor. Next to me." He sat down and I did too.

"What are we doing?" I asked. He opened the deep bottom drawer and removed a large stack of sketches. He laid them on the floor in front of us. I could see there were even more remaining in the drawer.

"What are these?" I picked one up. It was a sketch of me. One I'd never seen before.

"They're of you." He said, studying them too. "They're you, Eve."

I looked through the others. All different poses, some times, it was just of me or my face. In others he had sketched a scene of me in my garden in Sellwood. They were in pencil, ink and oil pastels.

I looked at the pictures. I turned back to him. "When did you sketch these? Was it back in Sellwood? During our affair?"

"No. It was after you moved to Bend. My letters to you couldn't covey how I felt. How much I missed you. I'm not a writer. This way, I felt as if you were with me, while I sketched you, I thought of you. That's why I'm showing them to you. I wanted you to know why I asked you to come to Chicago." His expression became vulnerable. It was as if he'd handed me something, a precious secret, but to me it felt like too much responsibility. I wasn't sure who he thought I was or who he wanted me to be.

"I didn't know about the hospital. That they would do that to you, Eve. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you. I won't. I don't expect you to forgive me. All I've ever done is think about you. From the moment we met." He put his hands over his mouth and rubbed his cheeks for a moment. "I don't know if it's normal to want someone this way. I have never been able to stop thinking about you."

"Did Margaret ever see these?"

He started to say something and then stopped. "Why are you asking me that?"

"I want to know about Margaret. Did she know you felt this way? Did you feel this way about her too? At one time, did you love her like you love me?"

He tightened his jaw and collected the pictures. He put them back in the drawer. He helped me back up and stood looking at me for a long moment.

"Are you angry with me?" I finally said.

He inhaled deeply, seemed to hold his breath for a moment then let it out. "No. Come sit. I'm going to have a scotch. Do you want something?"

"Yes. I'll have a scotch too."

He turned and smiled. He looked tired, weary. "You're funny."

"Why am I?"

"It always makes me laugh when you try to have a strong drink. You hate it. Why don't you admit it? I'll make you another gin and tonic." He turned towards a small bar built into the shelves.

"I'd like a scotch. Honestly."

He poured two scotch whiskey's straight. He walked back over with two drinks and handed one to me. "Here you are Mrs. Lambert." He lifted his drink. "To Eve Lambert. Finally."

"It sounds funny, doesn't it? To me it does." I said and swallowed a sip. It burned my throat and made my eyes water but I kept a straight face the whole time.

He was studying me. He raised his eyebrows and nodded his head, impressed. "You've changed Eve. There's no doubt about it." He took another sip. "To answer your question, I didn't love Margaret. I've always told you that. Never. Ever." He swallowed down another sip. "The last thing I'd want to do is sketch portraits of her."

I nodded. "That's quite a thing to say."

"You asked me--But, I do feel sad about her death. Of course I do. I sometimes miss her. She's Clara and Jeffery's mother after all. At the same time, you are everything she wasn't. If she hadn't become pregnant with Clara, I would have never ended up with a woman like Margaret. I would have married someone just like you. "

"What was she like?" I really didn't like the scotch, but I forced it down acting like the way he did when he drank it. As if it were perfectly normal to share a glass of scotch together.

"She was meek and frightened, yet so bitter. I didn't find her very loving, not to me. Not to the children. She wanted to keep to herself and I never could figure out what she did all day. Elise was with the children... " He put his empty glass on the table. "I—I don't know. She was the opposite of you and you're what I want."

"How did she die?"

He looked down, moved is drink around a little a watched the liquid. He looked sad. "She was pregnant again, after Jeffery. She didn't want another child. I don't know why. She didn't tell me she was pregnant. Instead, she found a doctor or a nurse. Someone. She never talked with me about it, but she paid to have it taken care of. Very shortly after she became very ill. She had an infection and none of the treatment worked. I don't know why she did it. We didn't talk. Even when she was ill. I asked her why she didn't want another baby and she wouldn't tell me."

I held my drink with both hands.

He shrugged his shoulders and let out a breath. "That's it." He said.

I took another sip and the liquid felt hot going down. I was starting to feel a little drunk, so I kept my attention on the volume of my voice and the way I spoke. "Did she know about me?"

He frowned and kept his eyes on mine. "She did."

I felt a searing guilt pierce me. Why would I have done that to her. "Did she know about Charlie?" I held my breath wanted to at least have spared her that.

Jeff just nodded. He stood up and made another drink.

"Did she ask you to stop seeing me?" I finished my scotch and put the glass on the table. I didn't want another.

He raised his eyebrows and shook his head sort of dismissing my question. "I'm assuming you don't want another?"

"Why didn't you respond to my question?" I asked him.

"Did she ask me to stop?" He sat down. "What do you think, Eve?"

I looked down and whispered, "I think she did."

"I'm not the nicest person all the time, Eve. Sometimes I'm horrible as I was with you. And sometimes it's just the way I have to have things. Like with Margaret."

"Do you think Margaret didn't want the baby because she knew you had a child with me."

"I don't see how the two are related."

"Maybe it was me. Maybe I destroyed her life. Caused terrible anguish. She knew where you went when you came to see me."

"It was me, not you. Besides, Eve. She honestly didn't care about me. There's no way to explain it. Margaret was like this...this...it was as if we were brother and sister who hated each other."

I laughed a little but still pressed, "Then why didn't you leave her?"

"Must we do this now?"

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I put my hands over my eyes for a moment. The scotch made me feel very light and dizzy. I felt myself wanting to be close to him again. The alcohol had let the yearning surface, under the influence of the scotch I had no fear of him. I looked back at Jeff and. "I have to make a decision." I said to him. "I have to decide if I'm going to trust you. If I can forgive you."

He nodded. "Yes. I think you do."

"I want to," I whispered. "I want to be your wife."

"Then do."

It was nearly morning. I walked over to him and he stood up and kissed me. He brushed my hair out of my face and look into my eyes. I leaned in and kissed him. I remained close to him, "I love you," I said.

Once we were back in the bedroom I removed my clothes. I was standing by the armoire and I had my back to him. "Please let me look at you," his voice was tender. I turned and saw that he had a seriousness about him. "Come here, Eve." He was leaning against the headboard, just in his trousers, no shirt. He was smoking a cigarette, but when I walked over to him, he put the cigarette out and watched me. I stood before him, nude.

"Oh my God," he whispered. He rose and stood in front of me. He passionately kissed me, then pulled away for a moment and whispered, "Oh my God, Eve. How had I forgotten how perfect you are?" He ran his hand over my neck and down, touching my body.