I spent most of the first day at the hospital with Jeff. He didn't wake until late that afternoon, before that time the doctor was sure that he'd had some sort of internal problem. Maybe organ failure or even a blood clot in his lung or brain. I was in a state of shock, not just from what I'd done to him, but simultaneously feeling the horror of losing him. I sat by his bed and cried all day. When Julia came and wanted to be alone with him, for the first time in our relationship I refused her request. Instead, I stayed on the chair by his bed, rubbing his warm moist hand. Julia glared at me. "I don't understand why you didn't bring him yesterday? Have you lost your mind?"

I didn't respond. The truth was I had lost my mind, but Julia couldn't even begin to comprehend how much I'd lost my mind. Julia left after an hour and promised to return after dinner. When I was alone with Jeff I just listened to the machines whirling. The bright light of the hallways and echoing of footsteps as people passed, reminded me so much of the asylum. I was frozen in time. Jeff's skin looked pale. He was no longer crying out in pain. The doctor said he was in a coma.

"What does that mean?" I whispered to the doctor unable to control my shaking and tears. The nurse had her arm around me and she smelled a sweet lilac scent. She was young and beautiful and when I looked at her I realized she shared the same features as me. Except she was at least 10 years younger. Her dark hair had a natural wave and framed her face. Her pale complexion was complimented by light green eyes. I was so crazy in that moment, I wondered what I must have looked like. Old. Haggard.

"It's a state of unconsciousness."

'When will he wake up?"

"Mrs. Lambert. This is usually due to some severe injury. Did anything happen? Did he have a fall or... can you think of anything?"

I shook my head. "No. He was fine. He went out to a concert and when he came home two nights ago. That's when he came to me saying he didn't feel well."

"But then he began feeling better?"

"Yes. He was still weak, but he seemed almost better."
The doctor nodded and looked at the clipboard in front of him. I could tell he was not reading the notes, just staring into nothing...just contemplating what could be going on. "Did he have anything to eat or drink before he became ill again?"

I thought of the soup and the tea. It was the tea. I knew that. Miriam had probably washed the cup, but I was so fearful and paranoid that I didn't want to confess to the tea. I had strange ideas invading my thoughts. What if the police were there? What if they'd taken the cup to a laboratory somewhere, were testing it for poison.

" I don't remember. I think he had some soup. I can't remember anything."

"Of course not. You're too distraught." The doctor looked at the nurse who rubbed my arm and gave me a squeeze before letting go.

"You've been here all day. Why don't you go home and have some dinner? You can change. We'll call you if anything happens." Her face looked kind and sympathetic. I couldn't let go of the thought of her as my doppelganger. Although, I knew it was a part of the eerie delusions that were possessing me.

"I'll have to call for a driver." I said.

"I can order a taxi. It won't take but a moment?"

At that Jeff's father entered the room. He rushed in as though he were going to lift Jeff up and save him.

"What's happened to my son?" He looked directly at me and I felt as if he knew everything. He had an angry expression. It was the same one I knew from Jeff's anger. The nurse stepped towards Neil. I presumed she would comfort him but just as she approached him, Neil moved towards the bed and kissed Jeff on the cheek. I stood and moved to give him room.

"Eve, damn it. When did this start? Julia said you waited a whole day. What the hell were you thinking?"

The nurse took me by the arm and walked me out. I didn't say anything to Neil, but his red furious expression was imprinted on my thoughts. I felt as if they knew, as if everyone knew. I imagined Jeff dying. Maybe they would test his blood and find the poison. I wished I knew if they could test for it. I wanted to go home and find the plant in the greenhouse, throw away the jar with the berries. I felt like everything I'd touched was contaminated. I felt dizzy and decided on my way home that I'd call Carmen. I'd tell her everything. I knew she'd have to tell the police, but I didn't have the strength to keep going. I couldn't go through with the plan.

When I got home, Miriam rushed to the door. "How is Mr. Lambert?"

"Where are the children?" I asked.

"They've gone out with Elise. She's taken them ice skating. I called the driver. I thought you would want them out while all this is going on."

"Isn't it too warm for ice skating?"

"Not on Lincoln Park. That pond should be all right. Elise said people are still skating out there. The last two nights it got below freezing."

"Well, I don't like the idea."

"I'm sorry."

I realized I was sounding like Jeff, treating Mariam as a servant. "No, of course not." I looked at her, "I'm sorry I'm acting this way. I feel as if I'm losing my mind."

"Can I fix you something to eat? Then you can go get some rest?"

I was trembling but I told her I wanted to be alone for a little while. Miriam was right. I should rest and freshen up. Then I would go back to the hospital immediately. She asked if I wanted something to eat, but I wasn't hungry. I realized I hadn't eaten a thing since the hors d'oeuvres two nights ago. I knew hunger was making things worse. I knew that I was going insane and that it wouldn't be long until it was over. I sat near the phone in the parlor for quite a while. I stared at it on the table. I meant to pick it up and dial Carmen's number. I was goading myself into it. Telling myself it was fair to the children; that the time had come to suffer the consequences. I looked at it and still I couldn't bring myself to. Instead, I went to the bedroom.

Miriam walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder. "Why don't you lay down for a nap. If the hospital calls I'll come get you right away."

"Yes." I stood up. I could hardly stand on my feet. "I think that's a good idea. I'll just sit for a minute."

Once I got to my room, I saw the dishes had been cleaned up and the bed made. There was no evidence of the night before. I removed my shoes and walked over to the bed. Just as I was about to lay down, my mind started flashing on the violence. It was all one suffocating vacuum, colors mixing moving from vibrant to muted. Yellows and reds blending and turning black. I flashed on the night Jeff had forced me, had pushed me to the floor in the parlor. How he'd held me down, that quickly evaporated and merged with the night he'd pulled over on the side of the road and passionately made love to me, jealous of Ed. I raised my hand to my cheek as I felt an imaginary fist come crashing down. Then as if it were a nightmare, my mind flashed on us sitting in the front room, Jeff sitting across from me, handsome but full of contempt. Elizabeth and Ed. "I'm trying to be discreet. Eve has mental problems." It all spun and I closed my eyes.

Then an eerie calm came over me. It was the eye of a hurricane. I rushed to the closet. We stored our suitcases deep in the back, inside a compartment that was almost a separate room. We kept our luggage there. The children's suitcases were not stored there; but I had enough luggage of my own to accommodate everything we needed to leave Chicago. I'd be able to fit all of the clothing I'd marked with pins. I didn't want Miriam to see me gathering clothes from each room to my bedroom. I didn't want her to know what I was doing, although I honestly felt she wouldn't have said anything. I trusted her, but I was too crazy to enlist her help. I laid the suitcases on Jeff's and my bed. Before I tore my clothes from the hangars, I removed the money I'd taken from his wallet. I put it in the pocket of the pants I was wearing. Then, I stuffed the first suitcase full of my things. I looked at the other three.

I couldn't bring Clara and Jeffrey. How did I know that, in that moment? I couldn't bring them all the way to Oregon. I stood still and didn't know what to do. As much as I wanted to I knew that they were Jeff's children. Despite being his wife, and their mother, the were my adopted children—and even that wasn't legal. I was not their real mother. I picked up the suitcases one by one and slid them under the bed. I didn't know what I was thinking or doing anymore. I just felt that putting them back in the closet would bea commitment to staying.

I washed up and changed clothes. I decided to go back to the hospital. If Jeff were still so very sick, perhaps I would tell the doctor. Maybe they knew of an anecdote. I knew if I told the truth, it wouldn't take Neil and Julia a second to have me dragged out, have me sent somewhere dark and evil. I knew if Jeff were awake and he knew what I'd done to him, he too would commiserate, sign the papers glaring at me with a look of satisfaction. I was buttoning my shirt. I stopped and put my hand over my eyes. I whispered to myself, "stop. Just calm down." I pulled on a straight skirt, stockings and pumps. Despite my trembling hands I was able to fix my hair and put on my make up. I picked up my purse and walked into the foyer. I removed one of my wool coats from the hanger. Just as I did, I remembered my overcoat with the jar of berries I'd left it in the kitchen. I rushed back there and Miriam was ironing clothes.

I kept my voice calm and steady as if there were no cause for alarm what so ever. "Have you seen my overcoat? The one with the fur collar?"

She shook her head and put the iron down. "No. Eve. Did you leave it in here? I would have seen it."

I could feel the blood pumping through my heart and back into my veins. "Yes, I'm sure I left it here. The night Mr. Lambert became ill."

"I'm sorry. I'll look for it." At that, the phone rang. I rushed into the parlor with Miriam following behind. I picked it up.

"Mrs. Lambert?" I recognized the kind voice of Jeff's nurse. My heart beat fast and I grew dizzy. I thought, for certain, I'd faint.

"Yes. That's me. I'm Mr. Lambert. Is everything all right?"

"Mrs. Lambert. We have good news. Your husband is awake."

I felt both a wave of relief and dread. My time was running out. It was out. If they released Jeff then I would be without a way out. I hung up the phone and looked at Miriam. She smiled a gently smile. "Mr. Lambert is all right? Do they know what's wrong with him?"

I shook my head. "I've got to go back to the hospital. I'm so relieved. I'm going to collect my things. Miriam would you mind looking for my winter coat. My overcoat?"

"Of course." She said. I took a deep breath and rushed into Charlie's room. I had to leave. I began crying again, hysterically with no care for my composure. I collected all of his clothes and threw them on my bed. I retrieved two pieces of stationary and an envelope from the writing desk. One for Jeffery and one for Clara. I simply wrote "I love you darling. I will be back soon. Love mother." I slid the charm bracelet into Clara's envelope wondering if it would be more confusing and painful than comforting. I didn't know, but I wanted her to have it. I placed the envelopes on the pillows. Gathering my things was remarkably fast. I closed Charlie's suitcase and snapped the latch. I knew it was completely crazy but I opened the French doors in our bedroom and placed the two suitcases on the patio then closed the doors. I didn't want any chance that Marian would tell him I'd left. I knew that once he arrived home, he'd know I was gone; I also knew he wouldn't think to look at Ed's lake house. How could he? He'd likely assume I'd taken Charlie to the train station. He may notice I'd taken his money. Then, I remembered the diamond and emerald necklace. I removed it from my jewelry box and placed it in my purse. My heart was exploding and before I walked out the door I found Miriam rummaging through coats in the hall closet.

"I've looked everywhere for it, I can't find it."

I nodded and wondered what Jeff would think if he found them. Perhaps he'd think they were simply seeds I'd harvested to plant in the spring. Certainly it wasn't the first time I'd collected seeds and berries in baby food jars in order to stack on my shelves for spring.

"All right. It's all right Miriam." I looked at her for a long moment. I saw tears in her eyes. "I have to go to the hospital."

"You won't be back, will you Eve?" Tears ran down her cheeks, "I...I have never seen anything like this. I'm sorry. Can I give you some money?"

I shook my head and embraced her. "I love you very much. I'm just preparing in case I need to leave. I won't likely be gone for long.."

She frowned a little. I knew she didn't believe me.

"Take good care of Clara and Jeffery. I'm going to try everything to do everything I can to get them."

I felt herculean, I had the bags in the trunk in no time. I took the car that was ostensibly mine. It was the one the driver had taken me around in since I'd arrived in Chicago. The one that I'd driven around with to meet real estate agents, customers for flower orders. Elise and I had taken the children. As much as I admonished myself, I cried the whole way to the hospital. I didn't want this life in Chicago to end. I didn't want to find another place and I knew if I had to, it would just lead to another life, more lies one after another, never any reprieve. I'd found more with Jeff than simply a marriage. I knew that I wouldn't get his children and that Charlie would have a painful life and I could give him so much more if I stayed with Jeff. Although, Jeff's treatment of Charlie was growing more hateful and violent. I also knew he would likely beat Charlie as he grew older; Charlie already challenged Jeff with his defiance.

Jeff was completely awake when I entered the room. He was sitting up and smoking a cigarette. His eyes met mine when I walked in.

"Oh Jeff. I'm so glad you're doing better." I rushed over to him and put my arms around him. He remained still and pushed me away slightly.

"You came back," he said inhaling from his cigarette, blowing it and examining me. "I thought you'd be long gone by now."

"Don't be silly, are you angry with me?" I stood close to him. "Have I done something?"

"Isn't it remarkable that I regained health so quickly? They said I was unconscious for four hours. Four hours," he emphasized. "They couldn't understand it." He took a deep drag and held it in. He squinted at me then blew the smoke out. "That's what the doctor thought."
"What?"
"That it was unusual. Remarkable."

"It must be very rare whatever it is." I moved back further from the bed, tried to take his hand but he pulled it away.

"Yes, eve. It is very rare. It's one of those rare things you usually read about in the newspaper."

I reached for his hand again but instead of pulling away he took a firm hold of my wrist.

I cried out then tried to pull away, "Why do you do this to me? I can't trust you from one moment to the next. I can't take it anymore."

He released my arm and I backed away from him a few feet. "All right Eve."

I knew I was taking on an angry tone. "Why won't you tell me what I've done? I've been nothing but a good wife to you. You know that as well as I do. You snap so easily. One moment you love me beyond anything else. The next you despise me...I can't take it."

There was a long moment of silence and I felt as if I would run out of the room. I couldn't take the smell of Clorox that permeated the hospital, it was faint but once I noticed it, it began to suffocate me. I looked at him and felt everything spinning. Was it possible that there were two sides to him? When he became so angry why did he forget who I was?

"When I woke up the doctor came in and asked me some questions."

I could see I was wringing my hands. When I noticed Jeff looking at them. I held them together tightly to stop the nervous reaction.

"Nothing measured up. He tested me for all sorts of things but nothing made sense because of my symptoms. You see Eve, the way he put it is that people don't usually recover so quickly from things like this."

"Well, I'm sure it happens."

"Not usually."

"So what did he tell you then?" I couldn't take the fear and anxiety. I sensed he was toying with me, that he knew the whole story. A part of me wanted to leave as fast as I could, the other part had to know what he was implying.

I noticed how the color in his face had returned, just like the day before when the poison had worn off. Jeff continued, "First he asked if I could have ingested some food that had gone bad. I told him that I ate what everyone had eaten. He said with that kind of severe reaction, someone else would have come down with it too."

I must have been looking at him with hatred or disgust.

"You don't look so much like the victim now, Eve."

I took a breath and let it out. "Would you just tell me what you're accusing me of now?"

"He ruled everything out, except he'd seen a case where a man was poisoned and it was very much like what happened to me. Do you know why he thought that?" Jeff inhaled deeply on his cigarette and held the smoke in his lungs. Before he blew it out he squinted. He didn't smile. In fact, he was steely cold. I'd lost all of my breath. I was growing light headed.

"The doctor asked me what I'd had to eat before it started. I told him just a glass of scotch. Then maybe an hour later it started. Then, I remembered I was getting better—another thing the doctor didn't understand given how severe it was. He asked if I'd eaten anything else, after I started to feel better. You brought me a cup of tea and sat with me while I drank it. About an hour later I became very sick again."

"This is the most outrageous thing I've ever heard. You could have gotten sick a million ways."

"Maybe. He's testing my blood."

"For what?"

"What do you suggest they test for? I'm not an expert in these matters."

He lit pulled another cigarette from the pack and then held the pack out towards me. "Do you want one?"

I shook my head, "No of course not. You don't even like when I smoke."

"Of course you don't want one," he scoffed. "I was thinking before you walked in. Really running it over in my mind. Would my wife have done something like this to me? Would you do something like this, Eve?"

"Of course not!"

"But, then there's the issue of the affair."

"What affair?" When he didn't respond I said, "You're being completely ridiculous. I don't believe you for one minute. Where's the doctor I'd like to speak with him?"

"Eve. It seemed to me that if you did these things. The affair and now this, it would be just the kind of idea that you would have taken from those Perry mason programs you used to listen to with Carmen."

"I'm not listening to you. You'll find any reason to be cruel to me. Here I was worried about you for two days! I didn't sleep. But here you are again. If we weren't in this hospital room, you'd walk right over and knock me to the floor. I wish I had poisoned you!"

I turned and started walking out the door. I turned to him, "I hate you," I whispered. "I honestly do." I walked as far as the door.
"Eve," he said calmly, "Perhaps you should wait here. The nurse will be right back with the release papers. That way you can take me home. They saw no reason why I should stay."

I rushed out of the room and down the hall. I knew it was as good as a confession, but I no longer knew what was the truth and what tricks he was playing on me. I had to get Charlie immediately and go to the lake house. I had to wait for Ed and then have him take me somewhere else. I wouldn't have peace of mind until we were in the car, crossing state lines. Even then I would be haunted with fear, always waiting for him to kill me. I didn't even know if the doctor really suspected poison. It may have simply been that the doctor ran through a list of possibilities for causing his sudden illness. It may have been Jeff that narrowed it down to that one. All it would take would be for the doctor to have suggested that Jeff had ingested something poisonous, knowing his jealousy he'd probably deduced that I was run away with someone else. I started to cry when I realized that I was in fact thinking like Perry Mason. I was ridiculous. But, if what he said was true. If they had suspected poison, maybe the police had been at the house. Maybe they'd found my coat and tested the berries. I pulled over at a gas station and filled the tank for the twenty minute drive to Ed's lake house. As the attendant filled the tank. I was frozen, paralyzed with regret and fear. Jeff had every reason to be so angry, even if he didn't have proof. As the attendant cleaned the windshield pulling the squeegee across, I realized I should have picked Charlie up first and then stopped for gas. I didn't have any time to waste. And, if I missed them, if they'd already gone home then I would have to too and Jeff would be there. As the attendant pulled a final squeegee, I saw a payphone on the corner. I'd forgotten to call Ed. I retrieved a dime from my purse and ran over to the phone. I called the Art Institute as I'd done in the past. I often called Jeff especially in the two years before things turned bad. Before Suzanne. The secretary recognized my voice.

"Oh, Mrs. Lambert how is Mr. Lambert? We've been worried sick."

"He's doing very well," I said brightly. "They are releasing him to day." I paused. I had to speak to Ed so he'd know I was going to the lake house to wait for him, just as we had discussed. I didn't know how to say it and all I hoped he was there and I could simply suggest I was calling with the news."
"Mildred. Is Ed Brandt in his studio? I'd like to get the message to him, speak with him for a moment."

"Mr. Brandt? No. He's lecturing at the art museum."

I felt myself trembling. "Will he be back before you leave?"

"Yes. I think he should be back in an hour or so."

"Can you give him a message for me?"
"Give. Mr. Brandt a message?"

"Yes. Would you tell him I've gone to the lake house?" I knew it sounded terribly suspicious. Why would I leave with my husband just being released from the hospital? In fact, why would I even be calling the Art Institute at all."

"All right Mrs. Lambert. I'll give him the message."

"And Mildred, don't tell Mr. Lambert."

My heart filled with relief and joy. Elise was still at the lake with the children. The driver was waiting in the car, smoking a cigarette. Elise was putting on their shoes. I parked and ran over to her. "Elise, I need to bring Charlie home."

She looked surprised and I felt she, like Mildred were land mines. That one of them may release information to Jeff. Certainly he would ask where Charlie was. He'd likely have already put together the pieces by then. He'd realize I'd taken Charlie and left. What Elise knew didn't matter.

"Of course," she said. She looked completely surprised. "Is everything all right, Eve?"

"Oh yes. I'd forgotten he has a dentist appointment.

"All right, Charlie. Go with your mother."

Elise walked over to me and the other children followed. "I'm sorry for everything I've done to make it worse." She embraced me and held me for a moment. "I care about you so much."

"I love you." I said kissing her cheek.

"When you get home we have to finish Bobbsey Twins" Clara said. I leaned down and put my arms around her. "I love you darling." I picked up Jeffery and kissed his ruddy, ice cold cheeks. I love you. He looked at me with his green eyes, his mothers eyes. "I love you mommy."

"You should get them warm."

"I want to go with Elise, "Charlie insisted. "No darling. You have an appointment."