Hate and love. They were words that everyone just seamlessly agreed shouldn't be thrown around carelessly. They were strong words. Opposite words with the same intensity. No one ever talked about the strength of the word "need," though. No one ever mentioned how terrifying it was to wake up and need to know that he was still there, how when I stretched out my hand, fingers searching out warm skin with his name the very first thing on my mind and on my lips and found nothing but empty space and blankets filled with his smells, I would have never imagined it would tear at me so much. No one ever mentioned how much it hurt to need.

My eyes fluttered open wide, scrunching against the bright morning light as I raised myself up on my elbow. I was panicking for some reason, like it wasn't a normal thing for a person to get up and walk around their house, like Will not being there was just the first step in him pulling away from me.

"Will?" I called, my voice was slightly scratchy from sleep.

Almost as if he'd heard me, his bedroom door opened and he stepped across the threshold, already showered and changed and wide awake. I felt a slight kick of annoyance and then affection. Morning person.

His gaze fell on me and he grinned widely, there was something wary and afraid about it, though. It made me want to drag myself out of bed and pull him into my arms.

"Look who's finally awake."

I flopped back onto the bed, burying my face in his pillow. Now that he was here, I just wanted to go back to sleep. I forced my mind to bring the next part to the surface instead of just letting it remain a suggestion in my subconscious like I'd trained myself to do with every thought like it, I want to go back to sleep. . . preferably with Will's arms around me. The words brought a tangled mix of anxiousness, excitement, and embarrassment like there was someone else besides myself that I was sharing them with. "'M not awake."

There was a silence while his bare feet made their way across the carpeted floor and then his breath was ruffling my bangs and his fingers were touching my cheek carefully. "Night owl."

"Early bird," I shot back, opening my eyes. Despite everything, there was still a moment of faltering hesitation where I stared into his eyes, so blue and so warm, and doubted everything, feared all of the possible outcomes, felt them press in against my chest like a physical force. There was a moment when everything hung in the balance, where I could have hurriedly climbed out of his bed, apologized for everything, and broken his heart all over again, but instead, I leaned forward and kissed him softly. He tasted like mint and I broke my heart instead, because I was afraid of a day when I would look back at this and feel only regret.

He wrinkled his nose at me playfully, "You need to brush your teeth, Neeks."

"Shut up, I'm not going all the way across the street."

"It's not that far."

"Hmph." I turned my face into his pillow.

His breath tickled my jaw teasingly the next time he spoke, "Then no more kisses." It took a trained ear to catch the hesitation in his voice, the lingering question. I thought it might have been, Do you care?

I actually made a little whining noise, which I can't say I'm proud of.

I heard him laugh, it sounded relieved. "Fine, you can use my toothbrush."

I looked up at him in surprise, "Really?"

"Nico, my tongue has been in your mouth, I don't really think it matters at this point."

I knew I was blushing and Will knew I was blushing and I hated that. "Yeah, but do you really want all of my gunk in your toothbrush?"

"Do you want to go across the street to brush your teeth?"

I rolled my eyes and pulled myself out of his bed, stepping around Will to make my way to his bathroom while he called after me that his toothbrush was the orange one. I found myself, hands braced on his sink, staring into the mirror and studying my face, wondering what Will, with his beautiful features and strong jaw, saw in me. My nose was bony and almost looked crooked, my lips were thin, my eyes were boring, I was too skinny. There were faint suggestions of dark circles under my eyes and my hair was messed up. I looked tired and it didn't sit well at all on my features. Nothing did, really.

My hand shook a little as I reached up to touch my lips cautiously like I was afraid that they'd gone through some shocking change after kissing Will, after indulging in Will. The memory of it, ghosting over my senses, made a trill of excitement echo through me, but underneath that was a lingering sense of dread.

What am I supposed to tell my parents?

Is this really worth it?

I'm throwing my religion out the window, maybe even more. Why am I even doing this? I asked my reflection. Sometimes I wished it would just answer back instead of making me dig up the darkest parts of myself alone.

Either this ends sometime and you get your heart broken or it never ends and you won't know anything else. I didn't know which one scared me more. That was a lie, I was lying to myself again.

I remembered Will's voice, the tremor in it when he'd asked me if he was really mine, and my chest gave a little heave. He'd been so afraid and then so relieved and I couldn't take that from him, didn't even want to, because he was important. Important didn't seem to be a strong enough word for Will. Vital was a bit closer.

"I'm doing this because of him," I told my reflection. Taking a deep breath, pushing it out, telling myself I needed to say this out loud. "He's the best thing I've ever known and I can't just let that go. I can't." Letting that sink in for a second, making myself believe it because I couldn't do this at all if it wasn't true.

I brushed my teeth quickly and then hurried to his room again. He was sitting cross-legged in the middle of his bed when I entered and he grinned at me like we hadn't seen each other in ten years. "Come here."

He was beautiful. Dio, he really was. I wondered when I had started thinking of him like that. When had Will Solace become beautiful in my eyes? Maybe he always had been. The tilt of his mouth and the gentle slope of his shoulders definitely seemed to suggest it.

Every step brought me closer until my knees were almost pressed into the side of his bed and then I pulled myself onto it and crawled over to him. He smiled softly at me the whole time, crinkled his nose in amusement at the shy blush on my cheeks.

I was sitting with my knees pressed into his shins but apparently it wasn't enough. He reached out and urged me closer until I was in his lap with my legs wrapped around his torso. I wanted to press my face into his chest and wrap my arms around him too, but he was staring at me with such intensity that I couldn't look away.

"What?" I whispered, because it felt wrong to speak any louder.

Will's fingers circled my face, his lips brushed the tip of my nose, "Nico."

I felt myself smiling, eyelids fluttering closed, "Will."

His lips brushed over mine and I reacted to him almost instinctively. It was like gasping for breath after holding myself under water for too long. I didn't have to do it, but I needed to. I didn't even have to try, it just happened.

Need. Dio, I needed Will Solace

I was kissing him and warmth was spilling through my chest, but still, my hands were shaking against his cheeks. He pulled away from me, his face clouded with worry. I hated making him worry so much. I wanted to make him happy.

Kissing him shouldn't have been like this.

"Nico, are you sure you're okay with this?" He was brushing his thumb over my cheek, the way he always did to remind me that he was there, that he cared. I loved it.

I wanted to stop trembling but I couldn't, so I pulled my hands from his face and hid against his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist. He was so steady and sure and I thought that maybe he could share some of his strength with me.

"I'm just. . ." terrified. "Everything is so conflicted, Will. I like you, I really like you and I want to be with you. . . Dio, I really do, but no matter what, there's always this tiny part of me that thinks I shouldn't and I hate it. I hate it so much."

"Neeks. . ." I could tell by his voice that he was forcing himself to speak, "Do you still think that we're. . . wrong?" The word rolled off his lips like something bitter and it stabbed and dug its way into my flesh.

For some reason, the way he said "we're" and not "it's" made the question sting so much more. "It's" made it seem more distant, less personal, criticizing an exterior force. "We're" confronted the problem head-on, the fact that we were the problem, the fact that what I was feeling, what I was doing, what Will was doing. . . what we were doing. . . I wasn't supposed to agree with it. My breath shuddered against his shirt, "I don't want it to be. You make me so happy. . . I just worry too much. I worry that I'm not making the right choice, that I'm being selfish. And you don't deserve me, you deserve someone who doesn't shake whenever you kiss them, you deserve someone who can give you everything you want."

"No," he whispered, "no, no, no. Nico, you don't understand. You are what I want. You're everything I want."

I laughed breathily against his chest, "Everything?"

His breath was warm over my hair, "Yeah, Neeks."

"I'm holding you to that, no more water for you."

I knew he was rolling his eyes at me, "Shut up, di Angelo."

I grinned wickedly, "Make me."

Will tipped forward so that I landed with a surprised huff with him on top of me, my legs still wrapped around his waist. My head had flopped back against the bed and now I was staring right at him, a smile pulling at my mouth as I took in his enormous grin.

"What are you smiling about?" I whispered, looping my arms around his neck.

"You."

"Me?"

He touched his nose to mine, "Who else?"

I cracked a smile at him, twisting a piece of his hair around my finger, "Your family?"

Will laughed. He laughed and it moved through his chest like an earthquake, sending a shock wave through mine. His eyes sparkled like the ocean at midday when sunlight hit and glinted off of it the most potently.

He was beautiful and I couldn't stop looking at him. Before, I could hardly bring myself to look at all. Now, all I wanted to do was look. I wanted to look and look and look until the world faded itself into black and I couldn't look anymore.

He ducked his head to kiss the space between my neck and my shoulder softly, "I can't believe you're finally mine." The last word sounded like an experiment, as if he was testing how it tasted rolling off of his lips.

His, I thought. My face broke into a grin. "Yours," I whispered. "How could this possibly be wrong, Will?"

He just shook his head, stretching out over me as I let my legs fall away from his waist. Every inch of him was pressed against me and my thighs were hugging his hips tightly.

"You tell me."

I laughed at him, "You're heavy."

He snorted into the fabric covering my shoulder, "Too bad, you're comfortable."

My lips pulled themselves into a pout, "Meanie."

"You love it."

"Maybe." I combed my fingers through his hair, humming to myself quietly.

"I wish we could stay like this forever," he whispered, shifting and pulling himself up so that his face hovered above mine.

I smiled softly at him and traced the line of his jaw, Sap. "How long is forever, Will?" I guess I was a pretty big sap too.

He laughed and I felt it more than I heard it. I didn't think I could ever tire of that. "However long you want it to be." It sounded like a promise.

I pulled him down to fit his lips against mine. It was as easy as thinking, I pressed my fingers into his cheeks so they wouldn't tremble. His lips were chapped and warm, comforting in the same way that his hands were.

I thought, This is what I've been missing for so long.

I thought, I was missing something I'd never known.

I whispered, "I think that someday I won't be afraid anymore, Will."

He whispered back, "I think so, too."

-

This was probably a new low for me, sitting on top of the tank of a toilet with my feet resting hesitantly on the seat because I was just done with dealing with them. Even hiding in a bathroom for two hours just to make sure they were gone seemed better than going home with a split lip and having to pass it off with some hilarious fabricated story.

I rolled my eyes, the only problem was that I'd only been sitting in here for about thirty minutes and I was certain that Percy and all of the adherents of Percy were methodically searching the entire building for me, so I couldn't leave even though sitting here was practically driving me insane.

I let my head fall back and rest against the cool, but probably filthy, tile of the bathroom wall, suppressing a groan solely because I couldn't risk anyone hearing me.

Leo was out there somewhere, apparently keeping watch for when the coast was clear, but for all I knew, he was using this time to write obscene things over the white board in Mrs. Hait's room. I rolled my eyes again, hands tugging on my hair nervously. Then I almost laughed because the gesture was so Will and I'd definitely been spending too much time around him. Or maybe not enough. My mouth twitched into a smile.

Shaking my head, telling myself to stay focused. I couldn't let myself get distracted. He was out there somewhere. Percy Jackson. One more thing on the mile-long list of things I would probably never understand.

I didn't understand why he dedicated his life to making mine absolutely miserable. It seemed like doing that sort of thing would just make a person even more miserable, but what did I know? I wasn't some screwed up teenager who probably had daddy issues.

Okay, so maybe that wasn't entirely true. I rolled my eyes yet again. Part of me wanted to punch a wall and the other part of me was listing every single reason why that was the dumbest idea I'd ever had. To be fair, it was a pretty short list, but a good one, mainly consisting of the fact that punching a wall would get me exactly what I was trying to avoid: bruises.

Today, Percy had been different. Normally, he was only snarky and cruel when it came to me, but today he had stormed through the halls in a dark, brooding cloud. Even Jason had looked nervous around him and I was positive that he would be beyond pissed if he missed his opportunity to unleash all of his anger on me. I was also positive that the kind of beating I'd receive if he found me would be worse than any other.

I tapped my fingers against my knee restlessly, trying to distract myself from the fact that if they really were searching the school (which they most likely were), they were bound to come in here at some point. If they didn't, I had to live with the possibility that Percy would be even more angry that I'd avoided him.

That point came thirty minutes later in the form of softly tapping footsteps and a tune being hummed casually like whoever it was was just on a stroll through the park. I barely dared to breathe, tensing all of my muscles, gaze riveted on the space between the stall door and the floor. His sneakers passed by, Percy's sneakers, a pair of beat up white Adidas that he was constantly doodling on with dry-erase markers.

My stomach was twisting and folding in on itself and my tiny breaths seemed to echo around the entire room. I let out a barely audible, shuddering sigh of relief as the footsteps tapped back across the length of the bathroom and disappeared out the door.

Disbelief was rushing through me in torrents, it couldn't have been that easy. I sat, frozen, for another ten minutes. I probably would have stayed there for another hour if Leo hadn't come in and assured me that they'd left.

"It's fine, they're gone." He'd gone to my locker and picked up my stuff for me. Now I took it from him with shaky hands and a nod that couldn't really portray how thankful I was.

Leo just nodded back, shouldered his bag, and led the way out of the school. We didn't talk on the way home for once. I think we were both lost in our own thoughts. The conversations we have with ourselves are sometimes louder than anything else.

He said goodbye at his street, brow furrowed in concern, and then hesitantly left me to walk the rest of the way alone. Now I worried that they were waiting behind every corner, I worried that they were following behind me, I even worried, standing on Will's porch and clutching the straps of my backpack too tightly, that he wouldn't welcome me like he usually did.

When he opened the door, he was everything I needed. He was bright smiles and messy hair and a stupid smear of something across his cheek and I found myself laughing and crumpling into him, burying my face in his chest.

His arms held me against him and pulled me into the house, face buried in my hair, using one hand to push the door closed. "Hey."

I grinned, "Hi."

"You're in a good mood." He said it happily, kissing my head.

I tugged myself far enough away so that I could look into in face. My chest hurt and my hands were pushing too hard into his back, they slipped momentarily when he bent and pressed a kiss to my lips. "What's wrong, Nico?"

"Nothing." I meant it, too, pulling closer to him again, leaning my head against his chest and pushing away thoughts of Percy and the other three. Will helped make everything right again. I was marveling at the way I nearly trembled with excitement every time he grinned at me and I was wondering at how he could kiss me and make the world disappear and I was happy and I couldn't believe that someone like Will Solace liked me.

He pulled away suddenly and I let out a startled noise that made Will laugh. He was reaching out to push hair behind my ears, "I want to take you on a date."

My eyes widened and my face scrunched up into something between being skeptical and confused, "A date?"

"Mm-hm." The look on his face could only be described as adoring and it made my cheeks tinge pink, "I want to do this right, Neeks. You deserve it."

I just wanted to kiss him, kiss him and forget. "You're already doing it right."

"I don't feel like it. Let me take you somewhere. Dinner? A movie? Maybe bowling? Nothing fancy." The way his thumb was tracing circles over the space below my ear was distracting.

"Mmm. . . I hate bowling." My eyelids were drifting closed. Will took this as a sign that he should pepper my face with kisses, which made me laugh and shove him away playfully. It was strange how normal this was now, but at the same time, it wasn't, because both of us had wanted it for so long that it just felt natural for things to shift so much in such a short period of time. Except it wasn't that different, was it? Looking at Will, at the joking glint in his eye, he was still my best friend, still the same Will.

I found myself wondering if I was still the same Nico.

I was too aware of the doubt clawing at my gut.

Will was grinning at me. "So, how about that date?"

I gulped, imagining all of my doubts dissipating into nothing, replaced by a teasing smile. I looped my arms around his neck, standing on my tip-toes. "I think it can wait for a bit."

He laughed against my lips and kissed me back, but reached out behind me and pulled the door open. Cold air swept in and swirled around us and I made a faint protesting noise. Will just fumbled around for a bit until he found his jacket on the coat hanger and then he pushed me gently out the door, one arm circled around my waist, steadying me when I tripped slightly, and the other reaching backward for the doorknob. He was grinning as he broke away from the kiss and so I smiled back.

"Come on, we can borrow my mom's car." He stepped back and took my hand, tugging me toward the black Prius on the driveway.

I allowed myself to be pulled down his front steps, "She's okay with that?"

Apparently he'd grabbed the keys from their perch on the shelf that made up the coat hanger and now he jangled them for emphasis, "She will be when I tell her it's for you."

I hopped down the last step and then took a few quicker steps to walk next to him, shifting the placement of our hands to accommodate. "She knows we're. . . together?" Is that what we are?

He looked down at me and laughed, "Nico, she's known that I think you're cute since the first time you showed up on our doorstep."

I made a face at him that was tinged pink and released his hand to walk around to the passenger side. "So?"

Will waited until we were both in the car to answer, "So, nothing gets past that woman."

I let out a short laugh. "Like you being gay? How long has she known?" I felt stupid as soon as I said it, but I was curious and now that it was out in the open, there was no point in trying to take it back.

The question seemed to amuse Will, who was smirking as he checked the review mirror and started backing up, "The better question is when didn't she know."

I gave him a confused look and so he elaborated, "When I was six my mom got an angry phone call from my friend's mom. Apparently, I'd told Maxwell that he was cute and then Maxwell opened his big mouth to his mother, who was immediately afraid that I would 'turn him gay.' My mom promptly thanked her for the compliment as, and I quote, 'If you think my son can turn a boy gay, which is impossible, then you obviously think that he's very handsome.' Then she hung up the phone."

I let out a very undignified snorting noise, immediately covering my mouth with my hand and cursing the blush spreading over my nose. Will's eyes widened and he glanced over at me with a huge grin on his face, "Oh my gosh, did you just snort?"

"No," I said, and Will laughed and laughed.

"You did."

I glared at him, "Just drive, Solace."

So we did.

We ended up driving for a long time, agreeing to go somewhere no one would know us. Will's solution for this was to drive and drive until the first restaurant that looked mildly interesting. We ended up in a little Chinese joint mainly because it was called Nice Food and this made Will laugh so hard that he had to pull the car over and then he insisted that we go in and find out of the food was actually nice.

In truth, it was a bit early for dinner, but only by about an hour since we'd been driving for so long, and it didn't really matter anyway. We were here and Will was smiling, so it was perfect.

"You're an idiot," I told him, fighting the smile on my face as he raised a forkful of noodles at one of the employees and said solemnly, "Nice food."

He grinned at me before pulling the bite off the fork with his teeth. "It is pretty nice food."

"If you don't stop saying 'nice food' I'm going to leave."

"And walk all the way home? Yeah, right."

I put a scandalized hand to my chest, "You doubt my abilities?"

He huffed out a laugh, "I do when it involves you walking thirty miles by yourself in the middle of winter."

I lifted an eyebrow at him, "Technically, it's only the beginning of winter."

"Technically, that's not the point." He looked a bit annoyed, but in the way that I could tell we were both still joking.

"Technically, I don't care."

He reached out and stabbed a piece of my chicken with his fork, laughing when I glared and swatted at his hand. He didn't protest when I stole a piece of his to get even.

After we'd finished, I slipped my hand into his on the way out the door.

"Where to now?" Will smiled down at me softly, there was a definite bounce in his step and a giddy tilt to his mouth.

"Let's just walk," I said, and so we did. Will swung our hands between us and we pulled each other into shops at random for who-knows-how-long, messing around and talking. It was just like before, only better because neither of us felt like we had to hold anything back. It was much more natural than before, so much more seamless.

I didn't have to refrain from squeezing his hand or pressing into him briefly and I loved it. I loved it and I still felt guilty for it. I felt guilty for it, but I would never want to go back to what we were before.

-

Do you ever write a word over and over again and think that it is beautiful?

The word sometimes sounds beautiful to me.

It is a possibility that is not always there.

It is my fingers reaching for sunlight and finding only air.

I take a breath in and force it back out.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

Sometimes.

It is beautiful because sometimes I am okay and sometimes I am not.

I am amazed by how easy it is to walk. I am amazed because it wasn't always this easy, was it?

Even if I do not remember it, there was a time when the process of putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward was so complicated that it caused me to stumble. Maybe it was just that my muscles weren't developed. How frustrating, to know how to do something but to be held back because of the fragility of your own self.

That was how it felt to be with Will. Kissing him was simple, so simple, except I was so fragile that simplicity crumbled into panic when I thought too much.

It was like breathing, in this way. Breathing is so natural. It's so easy until you start thinking about it. The moment you consider, I do this all the time without thinking of it? it becomes strange, because now you're trying to force air in and push it back out just to understand your own lungs and now you can't find the same steady rhythm that usually so flawlessly keeps your heart pumping.

Things like these make me realize that life is not simple, not in the slightest.

And love is not a feeling, not an emotion, only. Maybe, at first, it is because you can't really control who you love, but ultimately, it is a choice to keep loving a person.

Reaching out and tangling my fingers with his was so easy. Feeling the press of his wrist against mine was not.

Wrists are fragile and smiles are temporary, so holding his hand reminded me that I, myself, am mortal. Therefore, I am fragile and temporary.

Will's fingers were calloused and strong. The sensation of them dragging over my skin was breath-taking. I think that things worn into ruggedness are more beautiful than things that have never truly seen hardship. Will's hands were beautiful. I kissed his palms and his knuckles and the tips of his fingers. And his wrists. Will was fragile and temporary as well.

His smiles made me forget that, though. They made him seem endless.

I carded my fingers through his hair and his eyes closed. He had lips like ripe fruit and a jaw like a knife, so I couldn't decide whether his features were sharp or soft. He opened his eyes and I decided that they were smooth like a lake on a windless day, strong like the lowest branches of an old tree.

"What are you thinking about?" Will was in one of his moods, where everything about him was breathy and slow and lazy in a beautiful way.

I touched his cheek. Smooth. I kissed his collarbone. Strong. I rested my head against his shoulder. Both. I said, "You."

He smiled. Breathy, lazy, slow. Beautiful. "Me?"

I smiled too, "Who else?"

Will laughed and so did I.

I was lost in sensation. Lips against my skin, slow and deliberate like they had the rest of all eternity to press marks onto me. Hands underneath my shirt, sliding against my shoulder blades softly. Sighs breathed right next to my ear so that they moved right through me and tugged drawn-out breaths from my own mouth.

Everything was sweet and slow. Will was smiling against my forehead and I was reminded once again that love is a choice. I didn't think I was in love with Will yet. I loved him, yes, but loving someone is so different from choosing them. I was still afraid, the possibility of running from him was still lurking in the back of my mind and so I had not chosen him yet, not completely.

All decisions come with time, though. I just needed time, so I pulled him down to me and kissed him softly. It was enough, for now.

I love you. It was the set of words I pressed into his skin with my lips. I wanted to whisper them to him, except then he would think I meant, I'm in love with you, and I couldn't give him that because I was scared. I was so scared, so I told him that, with my lips slipping over him, "Will. Will, I'm so scared."

My hands were shivering at his back now, shaking desperately because I was thinking too much. Will pulled my arms away from him so that he could grip my hands in his, forehead pressed against mine, blue staring against brown. "I know, Nico. I know." He said it brushing a thumb across my knuckles, "It's okay to be afraid. It's okay."

"Is it?" My eyes were closed now and I was glad for it because when Will said his next sentence, and it was much later, he sounded like he was crying and I hated to see him cry.

"Yes. Yes, Nico, it's okay. It's okay because you're not hiding." Hiding? Hiding from what I was afraid of. He was kissing my cheeks now, my eyelids, my scarred temple.

I did not say, Sometimes I think I should.

I said, "Will, don't cry."

His breath shuddered in what I think was a laugh dampened with sadness. "I'm not crying."

I didn't open my eyes to see if he was telling the truth.

-

I just wanted to cry.

I just wanted to cry.

I just wanted to cry.

I just wanted to cry.

I just wanted to cry.

I just wanted to cry.

I just wanted to cry.

I just wanted to cry.

I just wanted to cry.

And I didn't have the energy.

My eyes were screwed tightly closed against the harsh chill of the wind and there was a pain deep inside of me. I wasn't sure if it was my soul or the impression that my bruises were sinking farther and farther into my skin until they were wounds beyond repairing.

I just wanted to walk to Will's house and let him kiss away my tears and I wanted to let him hold me so that I could feel safe. Except I couldn't, not yet. I had to go home and make myself look presentable first, meaning I had to somehow cover up all of this. And all of this was spread over my jaw and pock-marking my ribs.

I bit my lip and choked back a sob. A shuddering breath in, everything felt watery and inconsistent. A shuddering breath out, sitting up and putting my head between my knees like I could be unseeable that way.

My fingers curled in against the fabric of the beanie Will had given me as car rushed past. I wondered what its driver thought, if they even noticed me. I stood up and a bruise on my calf bit and snarled in protest. I ignored it and focused on everything else instead. I focused on my breaths and wiping away my half-frozen tears. I watched the way the wind kicked up swirls of snow as I cast my eyes around in search of my backpack. Once I found it, my life became an endless process of right foot forward, left foot forward, breathe, repeat until I finally collapsed onto my bed for barely a minute.

Then, it was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, hissing between my teeth as I patted makeup over the ugly, blue-green mark that was beginning to appear. Once the job was done, I let my shoulders slump and my head drop, trying to relax and stop pitying myself. I wanted to punch the mirror and watch the glass crack and shatter my reflection, I wanted to feel cuts spreading over my knuckles and finally be able to say something was my fault because I hated blaming other people for my problems.

I braced my hand against the reflective surface for a moment and stared myself in the eyes, I didn't like what I found there.

I texted Will and told him that I had a lot of homework to do. A half-truth, of course. I had homework, but not a lot. I didn't go over because I wouldn't be able to hold myself together for him. I couldn't even hold myself together for my reflection.

I was shaking, remembering the words Octavian had snarled, Get up, you gross fag. It hurt because he was right and he didn't even know it.

I was remembering Percy turning and hitting the wall instead of me. I was remembering the strangled sound that had erupted from him. It had sounded so full of pain that I felt bad even pitying myself for a moment. Then Jason had gone over to him and put a hand on his shoulder while I shook on the ground and everything was so confused.

How could a person be so kind to someone and so cruel to another? Why was Percy the one being comforted when I was broken in the snow?

I was beginning to understand that everyone is a bit broken, or, at least, cracked fractionally, in the process of breaking, at the very beginning of it.

I was living in a world full of masterpieces waiting to be shattered. How tragic is that?

The thought of Kit growing up to be broken or Will being dragged down and smashed, they were images too heart-breaking to consider. Everything beautiful is so fragile. I didn't want to think about fragility, it made me feel small and weak, insignificant.

These were the thoughts pressing and pounding against my skull when I was laying in bed trying to forget. They were the ones that pulled me into unconsciousness because I was too exhausted by them to try and fight my heavy eyelids. It was the dull ringing of my phone in my pocket that pulled me back out. When I pressed the receiver to my ear, Will's voice filtered through, "Nico, it's snowing."

It's funny how a couple of hours of nothingness can change your mood, now I was just grumpy and drained like a phone battery hovering at one percent. Before I was myself hovering at the edge of a cliff.

I huffed tiredly, "Did you wake me up just to tell me that the weather is behaving normally?"

"No, I woke you up to tell you that I'm cold. Why are you sleeping anyway?"

"Then put on a jacket, Solace," I grumbled. "I was sleeping because I was tired."

I could practically see him pouting, "Nico."

I pulled my blanket over my head and burrowed under the covers, "What?"

"You're fucking grumpy when you're tired." He sounded amused.

I decided to ignore his statement, "Why did you feel the need to call and tell me that you're cold?"

"Because you're warm."

My lips twitched at that, "You are a sap."

"I haven't seen you in three days."

I sighed, "It's not that long."

Will answered by mumbling something that was mostly unintelligible. I caught the words, "Yeah, but. . . you. . . not. . ." They didn't mean anything, so I didn't say anything, and so, after a couple of seconds, Will sighed. "Are you avoiding me?"

My eyes widened considerably at this and I pushed myself into a sitting position, "No, Will, I was just busy and. . ." I gestured helplessly, knowing that Will couldn't see it.

"And?"

"I was. . . a lot of things, but I wouldn't avoid you. Why would I avoid you?" I worried away at my blanket with my pointer finger and thumb.

There was a brief silence, "I just. . . I know you're scared, Nico, and I thought that maybe. . ."

I shook my head, "No, it's not like that. I'm sorry for making you worry."

Will laughed softly, "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just used to seeing you every day. . . which is dumb, I know. Three days isn't that long."

I was smiling now, he always made me smile. "Come over here."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I want to see you." I was looking at my ceiling now. A blank canvas that knew all of my secrets and spat them out over my walls.

"I want to see you, too." He hung up the phone and I rolled my eyes, "I have a stupid sap for a boyfriend."

The stupid sap poked his head into my room three minutes later. "Hi, Neeks."

He looked nervous and so I got out of my bed and stomped over to him, making sure he knew how absolutely pissed I was, and then I kissed him and he laughed just like I knew he would, his shoulders relaxed just like I had expected them to, and his nose touched my cheek lightly afterward, just like it always did.

"I wasn't avoiding you."

Will grunted, "You'd better not have been."

I told him to shut up and went to sit on my bed, Will following after me. We both sat cross-legged, a two-inch span between our knees and Will leaned forward to touch my cheek sadly like there was something hidden in my skin that I couldn't see. "You seem distant, Neeks."

We seemed to shift suddenly from emotion to emotion without any warning. I think we were the only two people who could make that work.

I wrapped my fingers around his just because it seemed like something I should do. We were both studying our hands now instead of looking at each other. His skin was still golden from the memories of summer and made mine look bleached of color.

"I feel distant." The description seemed to fit. Distant. Far away, untouchable, everything seemed unclear. It didn't feel like I was the distant one, but it felt like everything else was out of reach and that made me seem distant to everything else.

Will's fingers gave mine a soft squeeze and I thought for a second, Maybe I'm not distant.

"I'm not forcing you to do this, right? If being with me makes you uncomfortable at all, I don't want you to think you have to do this for me."

I met his gaze and saw the concern there, so I reached out to touch his cheek experimentally, replicating his gesture from a few moments ago. "Will, you have to stop worrying so much. I hate seeing you worry. I want to be with you, okay?" But should I? I had to swallow in order to force the thought back down.

He nodded and bit his lip. "What is bothering you then?"

My brow furrowed, "Who said anything was bothering me?"

"Something is off, Neeks. You just seem. . I feel like there's something you're not telling me."

Something in my gut was twisting uncomfortably and I ended up blurting something toxic. "There's always things I don't tell people."

"What kind of things?" His fingers were fiddling with mine and his lips were pressed into a thin line.

"The kinds of things I think are better off inside my head."

A muscle in Will's jaw twitched and his fingers tightened on mine, a split second signal that he was rushing into something he thought was dangerous, "If you're depressed, Nico, I--"

I cut him off quickly because he was right, it was dangerous and I was afraid of dangerous things, "One more depressed kid in this world doesn't make that much of a difference, Will." My eyes fell closed because I didn't believe it.

"Are you depressed, Nico?"

"No, Will, I just think too much and talk too little."

"Maybe you should talk more."

"I don't know how."

I felt him move closer, felt his breath fan across my face, he kissed the corner of my mouth and I smiled because I could feel him smiling, "I want you to think of something you haven't told anyone."

I know exactly who gave me the scar on my face, Will.

"Okay." I replied, my eyes still closed softly.

He pushed me backward gently and crawled on top of me, kissing my forehead. This was another strange shift in emotion that somehow worked when it shouldn't have. "It's right here, right?"

I nodded, biting my lip to keep from laughing and opened my eyes to look up at him. "Yeah."

He kissed my temple, right where the offending scar was, and then the corner of my eye. "I want you to imagine it's here now, right outside of your line of sight."

I nodded, brushing my fingers over his face, "You're in my direct line of sight and. . . It's somewhere over there. . ." I nodded my head to the left, "But it doesn't matter that much."

Will smiled at me, I could tell he was enjoying this little game that we were playing, his eyes were laughing. "Now close your eyes."

I did as he said, and felt lips dance over my eyelids. I laughed and pressed my hands against his chest lightly, "I can see it now."

Will laughed too, his nose nose brushing against mine. "Oh, good. I was afraid that wouldn't work."

I opened my eyes, his were two inches away. "Okay, now what?"

Will pressed his lips to the skin underneath my eye and across my cheek. Almost like an afterthought, something he hadn't realized he was going to do until it was happening, he grazed his mouth across my jawline and down my neck, pulling my shirt aside to kiss my shoulder. "I think this is an unnecessary detour." I whispered, curling my fingers into his hair, breath shuddering.

"Sorry," he replied, not sounding sorry at all and nuzzling my neck. "That's just how it works, words can't go straight from here--" He pulled back to place a finger on my temple, "--to here--" He traced a line down my face and brushed his thumb over my lips, "They have to sit and work themselves out for awhile."

"That makes sense." I stroked his jaw with my thumb, "So, after they sit for a while. . ."

He kissed my chin, the corner of my lips, my nose, basically anywhere but actually on my lips. "It's kind of itching to get out now, right?"

"Yeah. It's really del cazzo annoying, too."

"Thoughts are like that," Will's smile was amused in the moment before he kissed me softly, pulling away just as I started to kiss back. "Now they're there. Only one step left."

I watched him for a second, searching his eyes.

"You're the only one who can actually get your thoughts out into the world, Nico. They won't express themselves."

"I. . ." I started, and then I gulped. There was no way I could tell Will what was actually on my mind. "I think your collarbones are really sexy."

Will laughed, an abrupt, surprised sound that made his back jerk upward. "Well, that's definitely not what I was expecting. . ." He tilted his head to the side and tucked hair behind my ear, "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

I nodded, "I know I can. . . I'm just not sure if I can trust myself to."

He looked confused, but sighed. "Okay, Nico."

"I do think your collarbones are sexy, though," I told him, grinning, not wanting to dwell on the things lurking in the back of my skull.

He raised his eyebrows, "My collarbones, eh?" He was willing to let it slide for now.

I shrugged, "I have a thing for collarbones."

"Ooooh, a dirty collarbone fetish, hm?" He wiggled his eyebrows as he said it, smirking.

I laughed, "Well, when you say it like that. . ."

"How would you say it, then, Nico di Angelo?"

"I. . . er. . . Just think that humans with prominent collarbones are a blessing from on high. . .?"

He snorted, "Yeah, okay."

I ran my fingers along his collarbones, smiling softly, "I don't even know why, actually."

"Well, I, personally, can't get enough of your accent." I wrinkled my nose at him, and he looked confused, "What? You can have a weird thing for collarbones, but I can't have a thing for your voice?"

I shook my head, "It's just that my dad has an Italian accent too."

Will busted out laughing, "Nico, I promise I don't find your dad attractive in any way."

"That's just cruel, Will."

"Shut up, you know what I mean."

"I know." I pushed myself up on my elbows to kiss him, laughing against his lips when wrapped his arms around my waist and rolled us both so that he was beneath me.

"If my mother came in right now I would have no good explanation." It seemed funny until I said it out loud, so then I said, "Cazzo," rather forcefully and kissed Will again.

"You have to promise not to ever let three days go by without coming to see me. It doesn't even have to be an extended visit, just a brief hello, you know? Just so I don't get too lonely."

I said, "You are absolutely hopeless, Will Solace," but the thing was, I was even more hopeless, so I made the promise and then I kissed him senseless and got lost.

I

have

no

clue

what

this

chapter

is

(aha jk it's absolute proof that I am wEAK AND ANGSTY ™)

i get so nervous every time i update i think im gonna puke im so nervous help me i have no i nfoe asdlfdkf jdklfjdlkf ndlkfjvn

save me