A/N: This is the first chapter that I think really warrants maybe a mature rating. Warnings for graphic depictions of injuries, panic, ptsd, trauma memories, war wounds, etc.

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Surgery dragged on for twenty hours. Being down a surgeon, their workload increased, and with that, they lost the ability to take any serious amount of time off. As the last patient got carted off to Post Op, Nellie knelt to the ground. She put her head on the operating table over her arms. Pulsing fiery pain shot through her feet and legs. The sudden lack of pressure clearly confused her nerve endings.

She could hear BJ and Hawkeye chatting with Steve, slow with their words and voices heavy. Her eyes remained closed. Nothing could make her move. Nellie wanted to stay right there, forever. Or, she would stay there at least until the pain receded.

As her forehead pressed into her arm, she regulated her breathing as best she could. In for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. It went like clockwork. Then she felt pressure on her shoulder.

"I'm not getting up."

"At least change out of your scrubs. Sleeping in the blood isn't suggested," Hawkeye said.

At the thought of all the blood on her once white surgical gown, Nellie lifted her head up and opened her eyes. For a moment all her thoughts went to Steve. He'd mentioned his previous assignment, a MASH unit in the Pusan, near the Pusan Perimeter. His descriptions horrified her: dead bodies stacked along the walls like boxes, blood spilling out of the patients too quick to be replaced, bones protruding in areas they weren't meant to be because they came from other soldiers... Suddenly his body language made sense.

"Change."

Nellie looked up at Hawkeye and stared him right in his bright blue eyes. Her mood soured as she thought about standing. "With you, right?"

Hawkeye positively cackled at her jab. With a smirk, he extended his hand. Nellie allowed him to hoist her up. But as soon as the floor met her feet, her breath hitched. Stabbing pain shot up her legs.

"Rookie mistake. You got off your feet."

"I know. It was stupid." Nellie pinched her nose.

As they stood in the OR, Igor and Zale came in to clean up. Blood soaked rags, gauze, and instruments lay strewn about. Together with Hawkeye by her side, they walked into the changing rooms. She went left, he went right. Nurse Shari sat with her head against the wall, eyes closed, half changed. Nellie grabbed her fatigues from next to her, staying as quiet as she could.

They'd gone into OR around 1500 hours. Now the clock read 11:00. A deep growl reminded her of how many meals she'd missed, a full day's worth. But all she wanted right then was a belt of scotch and her pillow.

The camp seemed deserted when she walked into the daylight. She blinked against the sun. A little dog with thick fur ran past her, and it made her smile. The thought of the Korean's eating such beautiful creatures broke her heart, but they did what they had to do to survive. Still, she hoped he'd stay off the dinner plate.

After grabbing a quick bite to eat, Nellie sat on the chair outside her tent. The sun warmed her body, and after hours upon hours to surgery, her stiff joints thanked her for it. Her eyes closed. Calmness enveloped her.

When she woke up later, it was to a warm stickiness on her hand. Nellie looked down, and found the dog showering her with kisses. She smiled. "Hello there, baby." Her fingers ran through its white fur. The dog's eyes were caked with dirt. But she tried to pick away what she could.

"He's cute, isn't he." Kellye walked over from the VIP tent. "He's been hanging around our tents in the back."

"Lucky."

Kellye shrugged. "You've got to be careful with him. Never know when he'll be gone next."

Nellie's face fell. But she knew what Kellye said to be true. As she stopped petting the dog, it walked away looking for scraps. Kellye moved away as well, going to the Mess Tent. A fantastic display of pinks, reds, and blues splashed across the horizon. The sun sank below the treeline, and the crickets began to sing. Nellie took a deep breath and allowed herself to enjoy the beauty.

"Choppers! Choppers! No rest of the ever weary! First surgical team to the pad, teams two and three to the ambulances."

Her jaw clenched and she closed her eyes. When she took her hands from the arms of her chair, they unclenched. It never stopped. Never. As the other medical personnel rushed into the compound, she forced herself to join them.

"Flashlight!" Nellie grabbed one from the nearest orderlie. With practiced ease, she shined it down the length of the ambulance that pulled into the compound. Groans echoed off the walls. The first two wounded soldiers had low severity wounds. But the third's head had a gash, and his stomach had been wrapped tightly in pressure bandages. "Get him out. Probably a two."

As Klinger and Goldman grabbed his litter, she moved down the ambulance. A hand grabbed her, and she flinched. Sticky blood covered her arm. The wounded man had dark skin, made somehow darker by the blood covering his arm. His side had a pressure bandage, and she glanced under it. A stark white bone, with red blood oozing into the cracks, protruded out of the wound. It looked thick enough to be from a femur. Nellie gagged, covering her mouth in the bend of her arm. But when she gained control of her stomach, Nellie called down the ambulance. "Get this one out next!"

On she went, checking each of the wounded as quickly as possible. She only found one other severe case on the bus. Her feet hit the ground, throwing dust into the air. BJ held the clipboard. He told her to go inside.

Grabbing clean scrubs from the linen closet, she changed alongside Margaret, Gwen, and Judy. Nellie dug her fingernails into her skin as she scrubbed, trying to get the blood off as best she could. It went red down the drain. Margaret pulled on her mask and top gown. Then she snapped on gloves.

She forced her stomach down. Ducking into OR, Nellie hurried to a table, Margaret assisting. The man on the table had blonde hair and freckles, with rosy cheeks from the anesthesia. "Where's his X-Ray?"

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Klinger rushed over to her, dodging Hawkeye and Steve. "X-Ray for you, and you other lovely human beings." He hurried away.

As Nellie held the X-Ray up to the light, she grimaced. Shrapnel had positively eaten up his insides, and she'd definitely have to remove his gallbladder. "Right." She hung the X-Ray on the wall. "Let's get to work. Scalpel."

Margaret already had it ready. With practiced ease, Nellie made an incision large enough to poke around inside the wound. Then she picked out the first piece of shrapnel that sat right near the top. "Suction." As Margaret drained the wound of blood, she went fishing for bullets.

The other three surgeons worked quietly for the first hour. Hawkeye had taken the soldier with the protruding bone, and BJ and Steve had chest wounds. Soon, tension spilled over into mindless chatter between the boys. Nellie rarely contributed. She could count the number of times Steve joined in though, and that concerned her. In the time she'd known him before and during the 4077th, his quips had come easily. Now he stood silent, breaking his quiet only for instrument requests.

"Margaret, would you close for me?"

"Of course."

Nellie released a deep breath and hung her head back. She just stood, silent, as the boys cracked jokes and puns around her. "I'm stepping outside for two minutes."

Hawkeye nodded. "Right."

She moved into the space beside Pre Op. Half a dozen patients still lay waiting beyond the door, and even more sat outside. Her feet had gone numb, so Nellie stayed standing. She just stood there, breathing. As she went back inside a few minutes later, Steve wandered out past her.

Her stomach dropped. His gaze wandered, he swayed. She'd seen that. She'd seen that exact lost expression on her brother's face a hundred times over. Nellie went to talk to him, but Kellye popped her head through and called her in.

"Another bad one, doctor."

"Right."

Her heart ached for Steve. She knew he needed to be anywhere but the scene of his nightmares. But at the same time, they needed him. The wounded needed them. Nellie hurried over to the operating table. As she got to work on her patient, Hawkeye shouted for Steve.

BJ gritted his teeth. "Where the hell is he?"

"Someone go find him, now!" Hawkeye ripped off his gloves and took a fresh pair. As his patient was carted away, a new one took his place. "Damn it, Newsome."

Nellie bit her tongue. They couldn't understand, no one but those who had seen what war did after the fact, could understand. So she stayed quiet. She took her instruments, cut into her patients, and kept her head down. Blood stained her surgical gown for the second time in as many days.

Without Steve, they scrambled. Hawkeye ended up amputating a leg so he could keep another man alive, and BJ glared down at his patients the whole time. Nellie fought to keep up as best she could, taking as many patients as they. By the end, her mind was swimming anxiety between the lives in her hands on the table, and the life of the man who had walked out of OR damaged beyond what her medical knowledge could cure.

At 2030 hours, the last patient went into the ambulance to the 121st. Though they'd been through another 20 hour shift, the anger that Hawkeye and BJ latched onto kept them from fading.

"Where the hell is he," Hawkeye echoed.

They all stood out by the basketball hoop. BJ, Nellie, and Hawkeye were flanked by Shelley Lacey and Bigelow. A small chill nipped at their bare skin.

"We can't find him anywhere," Bigelow told him. "We checked the whole compound."

"Pierce, if you're looking for your missing surgeon..."

They all turned to find Colonel Potter standing outside his tent. He beckoned them over. Hawkeye and BJ hurried over, and Nellie ran to catch up. She had to stop them from blowing up at Steve. They didn't understand.

"Newsome!" Hawkeye stood before him glaring.

Steve sat against the wall of Colonel Potter's tent. A concerned, yet as equally confused, Charles stood near the door with the others.

"Easy, Pierce, he just wandered in here. Didn't say a word."

Nellie pushed through them. "Let me talk to him."

"Nellie-"

"Stop. If you want to help, go call Sidney." She didn't leave room for any of them to debate. Instead she took a deep breath to calm her own nerves. Images of Jack conjured in her head. But Jack didn't sit before her. Steve did. So she knelt in front of him. "Steve?"

"The blood won't come off. No matter what I do, it just stays there." He rubbed at his hands. "No matter how hard I scrub or how much I wash it's gonna stay there. Where do they come from? What do they- What do they expect me to do? I can't. I can't."

Her heart raced. She could feel her blood pulsing through her veins. It beat along with her heart. Nellie held out her hand. "Steve, it's Nellie. You're safe. You don't have to do this anymore. You're going to be alright." When he didn't respond, she took his right hand. "I know it's hard. I know that you're... you're remembering. And it's like hell. It's..." she trailed off. "We can't understand. Not me, not anyone. But you're not alone. This war will end, but that war in your head, you've got to fight it. Can you I fight it with you?"

"It just... it pours out of them. The blood..."

"Breathe with me, Steve. Can you breathe with me?" When he nodded, she continued. "One... two... three... four. Now hold it. One, two, three, four. Good. Release, two, three, four."

His eyes closed as he took another deep breath. Nellie continued to hold his hand. But inside she wanted to scream. She wanted to run. Anxiety pulsed through her. Panic. Her own heart raced faster than she thought even his did. She heard her voice faltering as she spoke again. "You will get better, Steve. This is not the end. You are not alone." After a pause, she met his open gaze. "Better?"

Steve nodded. They stood up together. His shoulders sagged. Nellie shot him a quick smile, before turning to Colonel Potter. She realized he, Hawkeye, and BJ stood watching her. "Someone needs to call Sidney." Then she turned to Steve. "Did you take classes with Dr. Freedman at Johns? He's here. He's fantastic. He can help."

Once Steve agreed to visit with Sidney, Nellie ducked out of the tent. The wind had picked up, and in the distance, clouds rolled angrily towards them. Her stomach hurt, and for a moment, she was genuinely concerned she was going to throw up. All the anxiety, all the panic flooded in. Nellie grabbed the corner of the hospital to steady herself. The world spun.

She hurried to the chopper pad. Dashing up the stairs, Nellie covered her mouth. Jack's screams filled her ears, his anger and rage and hurt. The blood. They always remembered the blood. The machine gun fire haunted Jack's dreams, too. He'd told her about them: the way Freddy Bolman had been cut in half by a landmine - the diving from foxhole to foxhole, turning around to see Sam Tirman get a bullet between the eyes - the view from his plane as another went up in flames, lighting up the sky as it fell to the ground. He'd told her everything after she found him with a gun in his mouth.

Sobs poured from her. She'd lost their parents, she'd almost lost Jack. She couldn't lose Jack. Nellie sank down against the stacked crates. Her hands went to her mouth as she tried to stay quiet. The thought of losing her brother surpassed all other fears she held. Seeing Steve that way, it offered a visceral reminder of just how war damaged life.

Her sobs turned into heaving sniffles. Nellie rested her head in the corner of two crates. Above her, stars had peeked through the clouds that raced past. She focused on her breathing. Finally her tears subsided. The wetness of her cheeks, ragged breathing, and bloodshot eyes told the whole story as Hawkeye and BJ found her half an hour later.

She pleaded with them. "Please, don't ask." Then she wiped off her face.

"Nice work." She looked up at BJ, and he continued. "With Steve."

Nellie took a deep breath in and nodded. "I've had practice."

"Nice spot you found," Hawkeye joked. "A little... boxy."

"That joke is unworthy of you."

He laughed at her response. Extending his hand, he offered to pull her up. But she declined.

"I think I'll stay here. You two get some rest, you did more work than me today." A blatant lie, but she felt desperate.

BJ huffed. "I don't think there's room for three in your fort, so I'll leave Hawk here and bid you goodnight. I get cranky when I don't have my beauty rest."

Nellie shot him a smile. She watched as he wandered back down the stairs, leaving Hawkeye behind. Hawkeye eased himself down next to her, and stayed quiet. She could all but feel the antsiness. But she didn't have the strength to play games and cater to his questions. So she laid her head back against the wooden crate and closed her eyes.

Soon, silent tears streamed down her face again. Her eyes stayed closed, and she hoped Hawkeye wouldn't notice. He didn't say anything. But he took her hand and together they sat in silence. Only the singing crickets around them made any noise.