A/n: if you are triggered by panic/anxiety attacks you might want to skip this chapter. I know this isn't perfect but I've just written this off my experience so I'm not saying it's the same with everyone who has panic attacks experiences them like thissssss. Also I have no idea how these competitions work so this is probably all wrong. I'll probably correct this after episode 6 comes out.

Anyway, enjoy!

This.is.so.shit.im.sorry.com

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"Next Up: Yuri Katzuki!" The voice on the announcer rang through the rink.

Yuri froze. He'd been training for this free program for months and months. The sickening feeling grew in his stomach. His hands fumbled together as he stared down at them. Yuri had noticed that he'd developed a habit of doing so when he felt uncomfortable or nervous.

He took a deep breath and turned to his coach.

"You can do this Yuuri." He said simply before signaling that it was time for him to enter the rink.

Bullshit Yuri thought as he entered the rink. The crowd cheered as he skated to the middle of the rink. You know well enough that everyone else is better than me.

All eyes were on him. The crowd had gone silent. Yuri's heart was beating furiously. His palms grew sweaty as he waited for the music to start.

He felt so self conscious standing in the middle, alone. All eyes were on him. He couldn't stand the thought of that. Everyone expected so much of him. He was so afraid to disappoint them, but he knew that everyone else was better than him.

The music stared and Yuri began his routine. Sadness. Anxiousness. Disappointment. Those where the only emotions that Yuri could express, despite his themes being happiness and love. He was giving off an aura in his skating that filled everyone's hearts with sadness. Yuri was great at expressing his emotions through skating, wether he knew it or not.

Thankfully, he landed his first triple toe loop perfectly and carried on. He skated around the rink gracefully as the music flooded his ears.

His second jump, a triple axel, was okay but he came out of it slightly wobbly, Causing him to panic.

Shit shit shit shit Yuri thought to himself. He started to panic more. He just wanted it to be over. The crowd could feel how desperate he was. He conveyed his anxiousness and sadness as he skated through the middle of the rink. Him desperation only filled the crowds desire for more. The second half of his routine went okay, or at lest better than he thought it would have.

Viktor is somewhere watching you right now. He must think you're pathetic. The voice inside Yuris head told him.

"Make it stop." Yuri whispered to himself with tears in his eyes as he approached the end of his routine.

He finished the last quad ever so slightly wobbly and began the combination spin.

What kind of skater are you Yuri

You practiced all for nothing

Your mother will be disappointed

You'll never be good enough.

"This is pathetic." Yuri hold himself as the last notes of the music rang out.

A cheer from the crowd made him smile slightly before exiting the rink. He pulled his skates off quickly and shoved them into his bag, leaving him barefooted.

"Yuri! Well d-" his coach started but Yuri just stood up, grabbed his bags and ran straight for the bathroom.

•••

Yuuri slid down the door of the cubicle he had locked himself in and began bawling his eyes out. He was so disappointed in himself. He could skate so much better than what he'd just done. He'd made a massive fool out of himself and everyone was there to see him fail.

He didn't want to see the Scores because he already knew who'd come last and who'd won. Viktor was there to see him fail. Oh god, what did he think of him now?

Yuuri started hyperventilating ever so slightly. He felt as If all the oxygen in the world was being drained from him  and everything felt as if it was closing in on him. He slapped a hand across his mouth in attempt to stop, but if anything it just made it worse. His phone vibrated suddenly, making him jump. He picked his phone up with his shaking hands and read the notification.

From: Izo Suoh❤️

How did the competition go? Did you win?

Yuuri threw his phone across the floor and buried his face in his hands. He was going to have to tell his boyfriend that he'd failed. Yuuri knew what that meant. And he was dreading it.

He began feeling really dizzy because the lack of oxygen he was getting.

Breath yuuri He told himself. He waited a few minutes to try and calm down. He tried breathing regularly but breaths kept getting stuck in his throat as he thought back.

Fuck this isn't working. I need some fresh air. He thought to himself as he started becoming desperate. I'm going to fucking die.

He picked up his phone from where he'd thrown it to before unlocking his cubicle. He'd have to sprint out to get passed all the people without getting stopped.

He couldn't take a deep breath like he normally would before doing something, because he couldn't fucking breath. He grabbed his bag and legged it out of the bathroom. He was immediately greeted with loads of people. He kept his head down and ran for the entrance.

"Yuuri!" He heard someone call from behind him. He didn't know who, but he didn't care. He was to busy trying to squeeze past all the people. His vision kept blurring ever so often, which was just great. His costume (which was dark blue with sliver and turquoise sequins all over) was very noticeable in amongst all the other people that surrounded him.

"Yuuri!"

"Katsuki!"

He heard his name being called all around him. He felt as if he was drowning in the sea of people that he was in.

It was getting worse. He felt like his chest was on fire and his throat was raw and hot tears streamed down his face. He just wanted everything to be over.

"Hey watch where you're going!" Someone yelled at him as they slammed into him, sending him flying and into another person. Luckily whoever was behind him caught him.

"I-I'm so-sorr-y." He chocked. He turned around to see his coach looking at him worryingly.

Oh shitshitshit yuuri thought to himself. He ran faster than he ever had before out of his arms and through the crowd. A huge relief washed over him and he reached outside. He ran around the building where no one could see him.

He leaned against the wall and inhaled all of the oxygen his lungs would let him at the moment. He could feeling himself getting dizzier. He was glad hardly anyone could see him from where he was, and those who did couldn't have cared less. He just wanted everything to be over. It was like someone was squeezing his throat. He could breath properly no matter how hard he tried to calm down.

He heard one of the back doors opening and a few muffled footsteps following. He didn't take much notice to begin with. Yuuri just hoped they'd ignore him.

"There are so many paparazzi people at the entrance, god. The competition was good today. They were all great skaters. We'll have to start preparing for the final now." A thick Russian accent cane from behind yuuri.

Of course.

Yuuri knew he hadn't made it through to the next round. Heck, he knew it even before he started. Why was he so shocked to hear that? Why did he bother anyway? He'd never won anything, heck, he'd never been close to winning anything.

"Yuuri? Your name's Yuuri right?" A confused voice came from beside him. He turned quickly to see him standing there. Viktor standing looking at him as if he was the most tragic thing on earth.

"V-vik-to-r?" Yuuri tried to reply. Yuuri cupped his face in his hands and sobbed. He was so disappointed in himself. He'd let his idol see him in his most vulnerable state. Viktor dropped his bags and ran over to Yuuri

"Yuuri? Yuuri? Are you okay?" He asked him.

Yuuri nodded because that's the only response he could give.

"No you're not. Just try and breath in for around six seconds, hold your breath for a few seconds and then release for six seconds. Try it with me." Viktor encouraged him. It took at few tries, but he began getting the hang of it.

It took a good ten minutes but yuuri finally calmed down. He sat down on the floor with viktor standing over him.

"Do you feel better now?" Viktor spoke with his thick Russian accent which yuuri found secretly adorable.

Yuuri nodded. He looked up at viktor and thanked him. Yuuri was a bit on edge with his idol just casually hanging around with him but he was really great full to viktor for helping him.

"You were great today Yuuri. It's a shame you didn't get through. You're good at conveying your emotions." Yuuri blushed at the compliment.

"You were amazing, you deserved to win. Good luck in the final." Yuuri said quietly.

"Thank you. I'll do my best. I better get going. Dasvidaniya."

He got up and waved before walking off. Yuuri was secretly squealing inside due to the encounter. He was embarrassed and hated every minute of it. He was so thankful to viktor for being there though. He just understood him, He was very greatfull.

He took a deep breath and walked back into the building. He was instantly bombarded with questions from his coach. He politely told him that he didn't want to talk about it. He headed into the changing rooms and changed into his usual clothes. He then grabbed his bag and left. They had a long flight back to Detroit from Russia now.

Yuuri hated flying because it made him realise how insignificant he was in this earth and to everyone around him. Yuuri hated the fact that everything he'd done and would do was going to Be pointless and worthless in a few years. Why did he try so hard? Nothing he'd ever done was going to be helpful or significant to anyone so why did he bother?

Yuuri pushed his thoughts to the back of his head, or at least tried. He could save them to later and then self destruct when he was alone and without anyone around to see how truly vulnerable he had become.

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Started writing: 2nd of November.
Finished writing: 5th of November
Published: 6th of November.