Hiiiii!

I just want to curl up and sleep but I've written this for you instead and I'm working on the special chapter :) honestly though these past weeks have been awful and i just want to leave. I can't anymore.

If suicide is a sensitive topic for you then you might want to skip this chapter just to be safe.

Pls go appreciate KittenKatter she is amazing and deserves the world she is really pure and beautiful h o l y  s h i t.

•••••••••••

Yuuri hated funerals. He hated everything about them. He even hated the thought of them. He hated them more than he hated himself. He hadn't been to many in his life and he was glad for that, but by god was deciding whether to attend Izo's funeral the hardest thing he'd ever done. It had been nearly a week since his death and Yuuri had isolated himself from everyone and everything. He'd been curled up on his bed, the weight on his chest too much for him to bear. The felt so empty, but how could be not? Someone who'd been a massive part of his life till now had suddenly gone and was never ever coming back.

Yuuri had secluded himself in his room; he hadn't left for days unless it was essential that he did. He'd been lying in his bed, staring at his plain ceiling for so long that he thought it might drive him insane. His throat was raw from crying and he could feel his eyes getting sticky as his tears dried up. His hair was all over the place and he hadn't bothered changing clothes for four days, so he could only imagine how disgusting he looked right now. He didn't know what to do with himself.

Viktor didn't know what to do either. Seeing Yuuri like this was something he'd never experienced before. He too felt empty, and so so guilty because despite the fact that he wanted to help him, he had no idea how to. He couldn't stand this any longer. He didn't want to see Yuuri suffering anymore, Yuuri deserved nothing less than pure happiness. It pained him more than anyone could imagine to see him like this. He hadn't talked to him or properly seen him in four days, and despite knowing that Yuuri was there, it wasn't the same as having him by his side. Every time he'd attempted to even enter Yuuri's room, he'd been pushed away and ignored. There was obvious tension between them

On the morning of Izo's funeral, Viktor woke up knowing that Yuuri would probably be at an all time low. He didn't even want to imagine what he was feeling. He slowly got out of bed and grabbed his phone. He scratched the back of his head before making his way out of his room and up to Yuuri's. He took a deep breath before knocking lightly on the door of his boyfriend's room.

"Leave me alone." A muffled voice shouted. He could hear some movement going on before it was replaced by a perfect silence. Viktor sighed. Yuuri wasn't making it any easier for himself, Viktor just wanted to let him know that he was there to support him. Not knowing what else to try or do, he walked away and pulled out his phone and dialled a familiar blonde's number.

"You better have a damn good reason for phoning me at 2am, idiot!" A groggy voice yelled from the other end after a few rings.

"Yurio, calm down, this is serious." Viktor spoke and the boy immediately shut up.

"...what do you want?" Yurio asked, guessing that something pretty serious must be happening for Viktor to speak to him in such a way.

"It's Yuuri; he- something happened and he's really torn up about it and he hadn't left his room for days and he keeps pushing me away and I-"

"Okay, first of all calm down, Yuuri is a fully grown adult and he is more than capable of taking care of himself."

"But-"

"Secondly, go and talk to him. He needs you, and despite what he says he definitely needs reassurance and support now."

"Okay but-"

"Lastly, don't leave him alone. That's probably the worst thing you could do. Does that help?" Yurio finished.

"Yeah." Viktor breathed. "Thank you, I won't forget it."

"I-its nothing...." Yurio trailed off. "I'm going back to sleep, since you Rudely interrupted me." Yurio added and hung up.

Viktor put his phone back in his pocket and scratched the back of his head. He headed back down to his room to see Makka curled up on his bed. He smiled at petted him for a few minutes before tuning and opening his wardrobe. He pulled out his long sleeve navy shirt and black jeans. He quickly put them on and made his way back up to Yuuri's room.

He put his ear to the door for a few seconds but failed to hear anything. He ran a hand through his hair before lifting his hand to the door and knocking gently. He was met with nothing but silence. He huffed again before thinking of Yurio's words. He was right. Yuuri needed his help.

He slowly pushed the door open, only to be met with complete and utter darkness, other than a small crack of light that was shining through the curtains. Everything was a mess- there were dirty clothes spread across the floor, empty wrappers and had been discarded along with tissues, some things had been smashed, and in a heap on the bed was Yuuri himself who was far more of a mess than anything around him.

"Yuuri."

Viktor made his way over to him and sat down on the bed. He tried to reach out to place his hand on Yuuri's, but the Japanese boy flinched away and turned onto his side so that he was facing away from Viktor.

"Leave me alone."

Yuuri didn't want to speak. Hell, it took so much effort to get those three words out of his mouth that he doubted that he could hold a decent conversation. He didn't know why Viktor had suddenly decided to show up in his room, but he certainly didn't want him there. He wanted, he needed to be alone. He'd shown his vulnerable side to Victor so many times that it was starting to embarrass him. He was pathetically weak, and so so selfish.

"Yuuri, I can't bear to see you like this any longer, you've got to let me help you or...or we'll have to take you to a doctor..." Viktor spoke. He watched as Yuuri curled up into an even tighter ball on the bed and buried his face into his knees.

"Why...why are you saying that as if you're...threatening me?" Yuuri replied, sounding more angry than sad. Viktor tried edging closer to Yuuri, only for the younger boy to edge even further away.

"Yuuri, that wasn't a threat in any way." Viktor reassured him and ran his hand through his fringe.

"Well it certainly sounded like one." Yuuri spat back. God, he could be incredibly stubborn sometimes, and Viktor had yet to experience this side of Yuuri much yet. Viktor huffed again because Yuuri was being nearly damn impossible to talk to and Viktor only wanted to help. "I don't need your help Viktor, I'm not a child."

"I-i just want you to talk to me, Yuuri, I know the pain of loosing someone like that and I understand it's not easy but-"

"Shut up! Just shut up! Just go away, leave me alone! I've said that I don't need your help, so why are you still here?!" Yuuri finally snapped and turned to Viktor.

Silence.

Viktor looked down at his hands and huffed. He chewed on the inside of his lip to keep himself composed. He didn't know why Yuuri kept pushing him away when he only wanted to help him. Viktor was trying his best, but evidently it wasn't enough.

"I thought I'd told you to leave." Yuuri grumbled through gritted teeth.

Viktor said nothing as he got up and slammed the bedroom door behind him. He shook his head in defeat as he made his way down the stairs, and outside to the bench that him and Yuuri used to meet on every morning.
He let out a shaky breath before sitting down. Viktor stared out at the sea, and started loosing himself in thought until Makkachin strolled over to him and jumped up onto his lap.

Viktor stroked his dog a few times before burying his face into his soft fur and letting a few tears fall from his eyes. He couldn't help it. He didn't Normally cry. He hated crying. He hated showing any emotion at all, so why was Yuuri an exception to this?

"What if he doesn't want me anymore, Makka?" Viktor whispered as a few more tears streamed out of his eyes. Viktor didn't even want to think about being separated from Yuuri. "I-I don't want to let him go."

The moment that Viktor had slammed the bedroom door shut, Yuuri broke down. The weight on his chest got heavier and heavier with every word he spat at Viktor until he couldn't bear it anymore. He didn't mean anything he'd said, and was surprised that he was able to say such cruel things towards the man he loved. He just wanted to apologise to Viktor over and over and over because he certainly didn't mean any of the things that he'd said. He was so overwhelmed by the emotions that he felt towards Izo that he'd ended up taking them out on Viktor.

His pillow had become wet with his tears as he sobbed and screamed into it. He was so frustrated at himself and he felt so empty that he couldn't bear it anymore. The guilt was eating away at him by the minute and he was praying that Viktor would come back up to see him because truthfully, he didn't want to be left alone. He didn't know how much of this he could take anymore. The silence was deafening.

He sniffed and sat up, a few tears still stinging his eyes. He cracked open the curtains a bit and winced at the sudden light that he was met with. He hadn't seen daylight in around 5 days, he'd grown accustom to the darkness of his room over that period of time. The sun was shining, and there were only a few clouds dotted around the sky. The trees swayed in the light breeze. Life went on as usual. Nothing had changed. Not that he expected it all to change for him. It was just a reminder that life was going to go on, regardless of how much he grieved.

He sank back down onto his bed and closed the curtains. He brought his knees up to his chest and let his head fall onto them. He suddenly realised how cold he'd become. He didn't know whether it was because of the weather, or because Viktor wasn't with him. Viktor was always warm. He liked the warmth.

Yuuri hit his head back against the wall and winced at the sudden contact. He felt so worthless, he could do nothing but sit there and wallow in guilt at what he'd done. He regretted so much over the past days, and knew that he could have prevented everything that had happened if he wasn't such a wimp.

He didn't know how to feel about Izo. No matter how hard he tried, he felt nothing. Not happiness, not sadness, not despair, not anger. He just felt empty. He couldn't help feel like he could have prevented his death. If only he hadn't come second in the cup of china, he wouldn't have had to Participate in the Gala after and he would have been home sooner, and that meant that he would have been able to answer Izo's calls in time and talk him out of it.

Yuuri still hadn't come to terms with his death- everything felt so strange. He couldn't believe that he was gone. He was never coming back. The man that had tormented him for so many years was dead. And it was his fault. Was so torn over what emotions to feel. Of course he felt guilt, he felt guilt more than anything. He was just conflicted between his other emotions because deep down, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't feel sad, and he knew that was wrong. Maybe that's why he'd isolated himself for so long, because he didn't feel the emotions that he was supposed to feel, and he knew that it was wrong of him. No matter how hard he tried, he felt absolutely nothing for the man that had tormented him for so many years.

Yuuri couldn't deny that he was in the wrong too. He was more than aware of Izo's alcohol problems. He could have talked to him sooner. He should have sent him to see a doctor to help him. He should have sat down with him and talked about it. He ran over a million things that he could have done to prevent his death and with each one, he felt an increasing weight on his chest. It was his fault. Izo would still be alive if he wasn't so selfish.

Yuuri was about to start crying again when he heard his door creak open. He couldn't find the energy to look up and see who it was, but could immediately tell it was Viktor when he felt himself being pulled into someone's arms. He didn't protest, he just let himself cry into the older man's chest. He was so relieved that Viktor hadn't given up on him. He couldn't explain how thankful he was that he'd come back.

"It hurts, Viktor." Yuuri cried.

"Shhh...I know Yuuri, I know..." Viktor stroked his boyfriend's hair and pulled him closer to him.

He'd lost track of how long they sat there for, Yuuri letting all of his built up frustration and anger out as he continued to cry into Viktor's chest for what seemed like hours. Yuuri felt drained after he finally managed to stop, and just wanted to be alone and sleep. He'd forgotten that Izo's funeral was in a few hours until Viktor reminded him and flopped down onto the bed and curled up into a ball. He didn't want to go anywhere right now, but he knew it would be disrespectful not to pay his last respects to Izo.

"Yuuri, you should start getting ready, love..." Viktor patted his leg, earning a grumble from him. Yuuri looked so pitiful, and so drained just lying there. He sighed before grabbing Yuuri's hand gently and bringing it to his lips. "I'll tell you what, I'll go run a bath for you now and we'll take it slowly from there, okay?"

Yuuri nodded in agreement, not wanting to speak in that moment. He untangled his hands from Viktor's and watched him as he slipped out of his room. Luckily, the bathroom wasn't far from Yuuri's room and Viktor made sure to add plenty of Bubbles and salts for Yuuri to the water as the bathtub started to fill. He added a touch of cold water once he'd finished and went to get Yuuri.

"Yuuri?" Viktor knocked on his bedroom door before entering. Yuuri was still curled up in the same position that Viktor had left him in. He watched Yuuri for a few minutes as his chest rose and fell rhythmically before sitting on the edge of the bed. "Yuuri, your bath is ready."

Yuuri groaned in response, not wanting  to get up from his position on the bed where he was warm and comfortable. Viktor combed Yuuri's hair out of his eyes before sighing and standing up.

"I'll carry you then, okay?" Viktor said, and Yuuri nodded in agreement. Viktor picked Yuuri up bridal style and held him closely as they steadily made their way to the bathroom.

Viktor gently placed Yuuri down on the chair that was next to the bath (he didn't know why exactly there was one there but it wasn't the time to ask these questions) and smiled a little at him. He gently slid Yuuri's glasses off and placed them on the side of the Bath. He tugged at the bottom of Yuuri's shirt and carefully managed to pull it off without hurting him. Yuuri leaned against Viktor as he pulled his trousers and his underwear off and Viktor gently picked him up again and placed him in the bath.

Viktor began by washing Yuuri's hair. He grabbed the lavender scented shampoo that was on the side of the bath before squeezing some into the palm of his hand. He began lathering Yuuri's hair with it, making sure to cover every single strand. He love Yuuri's hair, it was so soft and silky and Viktor loved the feeling of running his hands through it. He knew that Yuuri loved it as well, but today he just started blankly at the wall in front of him, not an ounce of emotion evident on his face. Viktor wasn't surprised Yuuri was like this after loosing someone to Suicide, especially because he'd struggled with it in the past too, and so had Viktor. He just had to keep a close eye on him and make sure that he didn't do anything that he'd regret.

He asked Yuuri to lean back after finishing washing his hair so that he could rinse it of the shampoo. He made sure that it was all gone before he helped Yuuri sit up once more.

"D'you use conditioner?" Viktor asked and Yuuri nodded. "Hang on a sec, I'll go and get mine."

Viktor quickly let the bathroom and shuffled downstairs and into his bedroom. Makkachin weaved in between his legs as he tried to find what he was looking for in the bag of toiletries that he'd brought. He finally found it and made his way back upstairs quickly, not wanting to leave Yuuri on his own for too long.

He entered the bathroom again, Yuuri still staring blankly at that wall like he had before he'd left. He opened the bottle and poured a little onto his hand before closing the cap again. He held his hand out and asked Yuuri to take a little sniff of it before lathering it all over his hair.

"How does it smell?" Viktor asked Yuuri, in an attempt to make a little conversation.

"Viktory."

Viktor smiled and giggled a little at Yuuri's answer before going back to conditioning his hair.

"Well, it's mint scented so I hope it does." Viktor replied before the fell into a comfortable silence.

He rinsed Yuuri's hair of the conditioner before reaching over for the body wash. He started by washing Yuuri's arms and back. Yuuri shivered at Viktor's touch and from the cold as his boyfriend washed his back. Viktor could feel Yuuri trembling slightly, and wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around him and reassure him that everything was going to be okay. His heart broke when Yuuri started sniffling a bit before bursting out into tears again. Viktor didn't even want to imagine what was going on in Yuuri's head at the moment. He didn't say anything, he just continued to wash Yuuri gently, knowing that it wasn't his place to interfere with his grieving.

Viktor carefully lifted Yuuri out of the bath when he was done and wrapped a towel around him. Viktor took his shirt off and put it on the radiator to dry, he was soaking after bathing Yuuri, but he didn't mind. He quickly jogged downstairs to put on a clean one before returning to the bathroom. Yuuri was sat on the chair, towel around his waist and his eyes fixated on the floor. Viktor could feel his heart breaking once again.

"Yuuri?" Viktor said quietly as he towel dried his boyfriends hair. "We need to go and get dressed."

Yuuri nodded and slowly got up from his seat. He followed Viktor back to his room and sat down on his bed. Yuuri finished drying himself off before Viktor turned to him.

"Where D'you keep your suits?" Viktor asked Yuuri. Yuuri nodded towards the wardrobe and Viktor opened it carefully. Yuuri didn't have time to feel embarrassed about all the shameful clothes he owned, he couldn't feel anything but guilt and remorse.

Viktor found the suit that Yuuri had worn to the press conference a few months ago and scoffed before digging deeper into his wardrobe in the hope that there'd be something more decent there. There was no way that Viktor was going to let Yuuri wear that disgrace of a suit and tie again. He rummaged around for a bit more until he came across what he'd been looking for.

"Yuuri, is this okay?" Viktor asked as he held the dark blue suit in front of him. Yuuri looked up for a second and nodded. He didn't care about what he looked like today. It was going to be terrible anyway. He didn't care if black was the traditional colour of a funeral, he didn't have a decent black suit so they were going to have to deal with it

Yuuri put on some fresh underwear before Viktor helped him into the white shirt and did up the buttons one by one. He then slid on his trousers and then put on the dark blue suit jacket as well as the black tie. Viktor stood back and admired how beautiful Yuuri looked in dark blue, but knew it wasn't the time to swoon. Viktor helped Yuuri back to the bathroom and did his hair for him, enjoying every moment of combing back his silky hair. Viktor dashed off quickly to get dressed before returning to Yuuri.

"Love, we have half an hour before it starts. Would you like anything to eat?" Viktor asked Yuuri as they sat down in the living room that Yuuri hadn't seen since the day he'd found out that Izo was dead.

"No." he mumbled before turning his head away just to stare blankly at the wall.

"But Yuuri-"

"I said no."

Viktor sighed again at Yuuri's stubbornness, and began to wonder if what people had told him was true; grief changes people. He didn't understand, he was only trying to help Yuuri and being pushed away most of the time wasn't really helping. He began to feel frustrated, and hoped that Yuuri would be back to his usual self once he'd gotten over Izo's death. Viktor knew it wasn't going to be easy for Yuuri, but he couldn't grieve forever. Not for such a selfish, and sickening man. Not for a man that had filled Yuuri with terror for years. Not for a man that was as twisted as that.

Unlike most people in Japan, Izo was getting buried instead of cremated. Yuuri had tried to push the thought of his abuser in a coffin right before him to the back of his mind, until now, because it was going to become a reality in less than an hour. Yuuri's parents were also attending the funeral, out of respect for the man. He didn't know what there was to respect about him, but he wasn't going to question them, not after it was his fault that Izo was dead.

Once the car was outside, Yuuri and his family hopped inside, with Viktor right after them. He desperately tried to search for a distraction, anything to take his mind off what was about to happen. Viktor sat beside him and Yuuri wanted nothing more than to curl up onto his lap and sleep. Yuuri started fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket out of nervousness, and Viktor immediately picked up on it. He put his hand down on Yuuri's hand to reassure him, but Yuuri just flinched away. He couldn't help tense up though, he didn't need Viktor's pity.

The car came to a stop at the temple and they all got out. Yuuri gulped and kept his gaze to the the floor as they walked inside. Yuuri dared to look up for just a few seconds, and felt a his heart sink when his eyes scanned over the brown coffin at the front. He immediately looked back down at the floor, and took a seat at the very back, so that he was closest to the door. Viktor sat down next to him while the rest of his family went a bit further to the front. There were more people here than Yuuri had expected. There were probably a handful of his work colleagues here, maybe some of his family if he had anyone left, and maybe some people had come out of respect after hearing it on the news.

Viktor kept a close eye on Yuuri as more people flooded into the room. He could sense that Yuuri was anxious and tense. He shuffled a little closer to him until their shoulders were touching. He placed his hand on Yuuri's, not wanting to make his boyfriend uncomfortable, but to show him that he was there. Yuuri didn't flinch away this time, knowing that he'd been unfairly hash to Viktor over the past few days even though he was only trying to help him.

Viktor would have showered Yuuri in compliments of how beautiful he looked, because he indeed looked amazing in the dark blue suit he was wearing. But there was nothing beautiful about grief. There was nothing beautiful about the dark circles around his eyes. There was nothing beautiful about his puffy red eyes from all the crying. There was nothing beautiful about his tear stained cheeks, no matter how soft they looked. There was nothing beautiful about the cold and harsh attitude as a result of it.

The ceremony started, and Yuuri had never felt worse in his life. It was a short one luckily, because he didn't know how he was going to cope if it had been any longer. He was on the verge of tipping over the edge, and every one of the sweet words that were said about him made it worse.

They obviously didn't know the real Izo Suoh. The alcoholic who drowned his problems in the drink. The man who cheated on his boyfriend for three years. The man that would constantly threaten and torment Yuuri. The controlling man who gave Yuuri no freedom whatsoever to make his own decisions. The man who had hit him, many, many, times and convinced him that he deserved it. The man that had caused him to have nightmares, who's name sounded like nails on a chalkboard to Yuuri.

The man that had convinced Yuuri that they were in love.

As soon as the funeral was over, Yuuri rushed out of the temple and stood outside to get some fresh air. He could feel tears pricking his eyes, and but his lip so hard that he drew blood. He was determined not to cry. He looked back inside and saw everyone individually paying their respects to Izo one last time. He felt horrible. What would everyone say if they found you that it was in fact, Yuuri's fault that the man that was loved by so many was dead? Yuuri felt disgusting, and so dirty for letting Izo die, because he knew for a fact that he could have stopped this from happening. If only he didn't make the podium at the Cup of China. Everything would have been fine. Maybe this was a sign that he should retire. He didn't deserve all of these medals. He only caused trouble by skating, so why is earth was he still doing it?

"Y-you're Yuuri Katsuki, right?"

Yuuri's head flew up from where he'd been staring blankly at the ground, and he was immediately greeted with a girl standing next to him. He jump slightly, not really expecting anyone to be out here except for him. He nodded and the girl smiled a little. She looked familiar, put he couldn't quite remember from where.

"I'm Kaiya Suoh, I'm Izo's cousin if you remember me." The girl spoke and offered him a smile.

Upon hearing that, everything made sense to Yuuri. He recognised her from when he'd go with Izo to his mother's house. He had never actually met Kaiya's parents, apparently they'd abandoned her with Izo's mother when she was a baby and then ran off. She was more like a sister to him, or at least she used to be. He hadn't spoken to her since before Izo's mother had died, so it had been a good few years.

"Yeah." Yuuri mumbled. "I remember."

The girl next to him reached into the small bag that she was carrying and pulled out a parcel. It was a rectangular shape and was wrapped in newspaper and some strings to keep it together. She handed it to Yuuri and he hesitantly took it out of her hands.

"I found it at Izo's apartment. It was the only thing that wasn't smashed." She said sadly. The breeze blew some of her hair into her face, and Yuuri began to realise a slight resemblance between her and Izo. "Open it when you're alone."

"Thank you." Yuuri mumbled, wondering what the hell was wrapped underneath all the layers of newspaper. It must have been something decently important.

"I'll be off. I assume you're attending the burial?" She asked, Yuuri feeling a pang of guilt in his chest again.

"I don't feel very well, I'll see." Yuuri replied and she nodded.

"I'll see you about, Yuuri" she said before giving him a small wave and walking off.

Yuuri fiddled around with the parcel in his hands, desperate to know what was in there. He guessed that it was some sort of wooden frame by the feeling, but he couldn't be entirely sure. He looked inside the temple again, only to see more people paying their final respects to the man

Yuri didn't want to be here any longer. He wasn't feeling very well. He wanted to disappear into thin air and forget that this had ever happened. He wanted to go to a place where he could think, and only one place came to mind when he thought of that.

Without a word to anyone, he slipped away from all the grieving to do his own in peace.

---

Viktor watched as Yuuri got up and dashed outside the second the ceremony was over. He couldn't blame him. He'd been sniffling throughout the ceremony, and Viktor didn't know whether it was because he was crying or not. Everyone had gotten up from their seats and were making their way towards the coffin to pay their last respects to the man. Viktor didn't want to seem rude, but he had no interest in paying respect to a man that had abused Yuuri for so many years.

Viktor made his way towards the door and saw that Yuuri was talking to a girl outside. She handed him a parcel and Yuuri looked extremely confused. Viktor let Yuuri have some privacy and made his way back inside to find Yuuri's parents. Everyone was preparing for the burial, Viktor didn't know who the coffin bearers were but in all due respect, he didn't care either. He was more concerned about Yuuri's wellbeing than anything else.

He informed Yuuri's parents that he was going to take Yuuri home because he didn't seem very comfortable with staying here much longer. They agreed and decided that they were going to stay a bit longer, but would catch up with them later. Viktor thanked them before dashing off to find Yuuri.

Viktor stepped outside the temple and expected Yuuri to be standing there, but for some reason, he wasn't. Viktor looked around in confusion, swearing that Yuuri had been standing where he was just a few minutes ago. He walked around the outside of the temple to try and find Yuuri incase he'd gone to hide, but he wasn't anywhere. Viktor started to feel slightly concerned, and wanted to find Yuuri as soon as possible to make sure he didn't do anything to himself.

His first guess was that Yuuri was at the ice rink. Minako had told him that Yuuri always went to skate when he felt anxious or scared, and Viktor wouldn't have been surprised if he had gone there. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialled the rink's number.

"Hi, this is Yuko from Hasetsu Ice Castle Rink speaking, how can I help you?" Viktor was greeted by her voice a few seconds later. He didn't understand much of what she'd said because it was in Japanese, but he was slowly getting better at the language.

"Yuko, it's Viktor. Is Yuuri there by any chance?" He asked.

"No sorry, I haven't seen him for awhile actually. Is there something wrong?" She asked.

"I-I've got to go, I'll see you whenever." Viktor hung up quickly.

If he wasn't at the rink, then where the hell was he? He racked his brain and tried to think of possible placed where Yuuri could be. He wouldn't be at the house, his key was always in his ice skating bag and he didn't have that with him, and the other key was with his parents. The only other place that Viktor could think of was the beach, and it was a 10 minute walk from the temple.

Viktor didn't think twice about it, he took off and began jogging towards the beach. Running in a suit wasn't the most desirable thing that Viktor had ever done, but Yuuri was more important that that now. The wind blew in his face as he sped down the hill, causing his hair to fly everywhere. He probably looked like a mess by the time that he'd reached the beach, and had to catch his breath for a few minutes before walking through the trees to their usual spot.

Viktor's heart sank even further in his chest as he looked around frantically for any signs of his boy. He was no where to be seen. Viktor pulled his phone out of his pocket and went to dial Yuuri's number but put it back when he remembered that he'd left it in the house. Viktor cursed to himself and started pacing up and down, thinking of where else his Boyfriend could be.

Viktor was starting to get anxious. He didn't want to think about Yuuri being hurt or hurting himself and wanted to find him as soon as possible. The problem was that he had no idea in hell where to look anymore. Viktor thought harder. Where had Yuuri said that he went to calm him down? Where could he possibly be that was more relaxing than the beach? Viktor cursed at himself for forgetting things so easily.

Then, it finally clicked. There was one other place that Viktor hadn't been. He shuddered at the thought of it.

The cliffs.

------

The sound of the sea had always managed to calm Yuuri down. Especially his hometown's sea. There was something about it that made Yuuri feel at peace, at ease with the world. The gulls cries calmed him too. He'd grown up around this city, and he'd gotten used to their lonely cries and had learned to empathise with them over time. He was so, so lonely. Even though he had an amazing family who supported him, he still felt trapped within his own mind. Until Viktor came along, he though he'd be lonely forever. Viktor was lonely too, and had been for many, many years. They both found themselves in each other, and it was the most indescribable feeling in the world.

Yuuri sat near to the edge of the cliff, wanting to peer over the edge but knew that it was far too dangerous to do that. He'd been staring out to sea for awhile now, letting the gentle breeze blow his hair in whatever direction it desired. He didn't know exactly why he was here, it was more like he needed to be here to calm down after all that had happened over the course of the week. It was too much for him to deal with at the moment, and he was still a mess of emotions.

The parcel lay in his lap, where his hands were. He held it as if it was going to break at any moment. He'd been toying around with it, trying to guess what was inside, not quite building up enough courage to open it. He was scared. He was anxious. After all, it was the last thing he was ever going to receive from Izo. Could he trust it?

When curiosity got the best of him, he took a deep breath and began unwrapping the parcel. He untied the string before carefully removing the many layers of newspaper.

Yuuri's breath caught in his throat once he realised what it was that he had been given, and clasped a hand over his mouth to stop himself from crying.

It was the photo of their first anniversary in Belle Isle Park, the same one as Yuuri had.

Yuuri stared at it for a few minutes. He couldn't believe that this was the only thing that Izo hadn't smashed. He was in disbelief. He didn't want to think too deeply about it. Izo was toying with his feelings again, and Yuuri felt conflicted once more.

Yuuri turned the photo frame around to examine the back. It had certainly held well through the years, just as Yuuri's had. He didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing though. He removed the back of the frame to take a closer look at the picture, still feeling a wave of conflicted emotions inside of him.

He gasped when he found a small folded up piece of paper in the back. His heart was beating loudly in his ears. What could possibly be written on it to have to keep it in the back of a photo frame? Was it something important? Yuuri hands trembled as he opened it up and scanned over it.

Extinctus amabitur idem

Yuuri nearly let the paper fall out of his hands after he read it. He began trembling and before he knew it, there were thick tears running down his face. He put his hand over his mouth to try and quieten his sobs, but nothing worked.  He was so shaken up at the words that he didn't know what to do.

"I don't love you. I never loved you." Yuuri screamed, making his throat burn.  Wherever Izo was- heaven or hell- he hoped he could hear him. Yuuri felt sick from the guilt. It was all his fault.

"Yuuri?"

A voice came from behind him, making him jump. He turned around, and through the pools of tears, he saw Viktor standing not that far away from him. He turned away immediately, trying to clean himself up from the mess he currently was.

"Yuuri, please get back from there." Viktor said with obvious concern in his voice. Yuuri ignored him, and continued to wipe his eyes while staring out to where the sky met the sea. He didn't know why Viktor was so concerned, it wasn't like he was going fall.

"Yuuri!"

"Viktor, it's my fault."

"Yuuri, love, please just l-"

"Viktor, he's dead because of me."

"Yuuri-"

Viktor was panicking, and he was panicking badly. His boyfriend looked so pitiful, he just wanted to wrap him in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay. He couldn't though. He was scared. He wanted Yuuri to get away from the edge, because one wrong move and he'd be gone.

Viktor held his arms out for Yuuri, hoping that it would work. Yuuri turned around, and saw Viktor looking at him like that, and didn't think twice around getting up and running into his arms. They sank down to the floor, and Viktor let Yuuri cry his heart out as he stroked his hair and wiped his tears aways. He noticed something in Yuuri's hand, but didn't ask about it. He just turned his attention back to his boyfriend who was a mess in his arms.

"V-Viktor, I'm sorry, I-I'm so so s-sorry..." He cried, and wrapped his arms tighter around him, like he was the only thing that he had left in the world.

"Shhh, it's okay Yuuri, I'm here..." Viktor attempted to calm him down, hoping that he was doing it right. He didn't want a repeat of the Cup of China.

"Viktor, it's my f-fault, it's my fault, Izo's dead because of me." Yuuri sobbed, and Viktor shook his head.

"Yuuri, please try not to think like that, it was his choice. Not yours. Yuuri, please breathe." Viktor stroked his head.

"B-but he-"

"Shhhh. Just calm down first. We can talk about that later." Viktor reassured him.

Thy sat there for what felt like hours, Yuuri apologising over and over for what he'd done, and Viktor reassuring him that it was definitely not his fault. Yuuri felt so guilty, he was just a trouble to Viktor and always seemed to let him down. He always fucked up everything.

After awhile, Viktor suggested that they headed home. Yuuri's family were probably getting concerned. Yuuri cleaned himself up as best as he could and Viktor helped him up off the floor. He went to put his arm around Yuuri but he stopped him for a seconds.

"H-hang on. There's something I need to do." Yuuri announced. He turned away and walked to the edge of the cliff, Viktor's heartbeat immediately picking up.

Yuuri stared down and the photo frame in his hand and the now scrunched up letter. Yuuri shuddered at the thought of it. He shook his head and looked out of sea again.

He raised his arm before throwing the photo frame as well as the note off the cliff and into the sea. He watched as they fell quickly before being swallowed up by the dark sea before him.

"I never did, and never will love you."

•••••••
Published: 24/01/17
Words: 7122

Please excuse my grammar, I haven't checked over it yet. Also, I know the ending is kinda rushed, I'll probably change it tomorrow slightly so that it flows better.

Thanks for reading!