Shan

It was June 28, 2024, Friday, and I was lying on my bed, scrolling mindlessly through Instagram. The familiar glow of the screen illuminated my face as I paused on a photo that made my heart skip a beat. East. He was smiling broadly, his arm raised in triumph, the caption underneath announcing that he had finally earned his Commercial Pilot License. My fingers hovered over the heart icon, a reflex to show my happiness for him, but I hesitated and pulled back. Liking the photo seemed too much, too raw, so I didn't. Yet deep down, I felt an unmistakable sense of pride for him.

Memories washed over me like the warm waves of Bali, and I allowed myself to drift back to that Valentine's dinner, two years, four months, and fourteen days ago. Iyon na ang huling beses na nakita ko siya, para bang huling kabanata na 'yon ng buhay ko na kinailangan kong isara kung saan naging parte siya. That evening was bittersweet, the air filled with laughter and unsaid words as we sat across from each other, pretending that the night was just another shared moment, not a farewell.

East was flying back to the Philippines the next day to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a pilot, a dream I knew burned in him for as long as I could remember. I had admired that part of him—the relentless pursuit of something that made his eyes light up. But as much as we had shared, as much as feelings lingered between us, we were never ready at the same time. Back here in the Philippines, when my heart had been open to him, he was still tethered to uncertainties and unresolved emotions. And there we were in Bali, where he was finally ready, where his eyes searched mine with hope and conviction. But I couldn't give him what he wanted. My heart had changed, grown, and moved past him. I didn't want him anymore, not the way I once did.

Still, that night had given us something priceless—closure. We said our goodbyes, tender but firm, acknowledging the threads that bound us while letting them unravel. It was crazy to think about how the universe works. When someone is not meant to stay in your life, it conspires to keep your paths from crossing again. Even when that person lives just a street away, shares mutual friends, attends the same church every Sunday—you simply never meet. And so, East and I hadn't.

I glanced over at CL, still sleeping peacefully beside me, his features softened in the dim morning light. My heart swelled as I realized a profound truth: when someone is meant to be in your life, the universe will find a way to bring you together. No matter how long you spend without them, no matter how different your paths are, or how vast the world may be, destiny finds a way when it's time.

And CL was proof of that. The universe brought us together, threading the impossible until our worlds aligned.

And suddenly, a thought as random as it was terrifying pierced my mind—What if today was my last day? What if tomorrow never came? I blinked back a surge of fear, my hand instinctively resting on my belly, feeling the gentle kick of the life inside me. I need to do this. I need to say what should have been said a long time ago.

I stared at my phone for a few moments before starting the first message. Memories rushed back, emotions I thought were buried resurfacing with each keystroke. Nag-atubili ang mga daliri ko, pero huminga ako ng malalim at nagpatuloy. Hinanap ko siya sa Facebook, at doon ko nakita ang kanyang account. 

My heart was thudding in my chest. Do I really want to open that door, even if just a crack? The answer was yes. This wasn't for him; it was for me. 

Hi, TJ. Please don't reply. This isn't an invitation to reconnect.

I hated that I had to experience all of my firsts with you.

I hated even more that you experienced all of yours with me—your first kiss, your first time, your first jealousy, your first angry words, and your first act of violence. Those moments shaped my first heartbreak, my first trauma, the first time I lost myself. It took me 8 long years to heal, and the scars remain. They're not just memories; they're etched deep within me. No matter where I go or who I'm with, they stay. If there's another life where we meet again, I wouldn't even look your way. No one deserves to go through what I did.

I reread the words, my vision blurring slightly. This was my closure.

My thumb hovered over Cam's name in my contact list. How do you thank someone for being everything when you had nothing? I swallowed hard and began typing.

Cam! Thank you. Thank you for being a great friend since high school, for being the only man I trusted during those 8 years of being single. Thank you for making me feel safe when the world felt anything but.

I still remember the day I told you everything TJ did to me, and how you didn't hesitate to confront him. I'm sorry if I told you about it so late. I told you about it a year later when I broke up with him. Pero hindi mo pa rin pinalampas. Kasi gano'n ka kabuting kaibigan. Gano'n mo 'ko iniingatan at pinahahalagahan. You made him pay, but more than that, you stood by me when I was at my most broken. 

Thank you for being there for me, for loving my family like your own, and for staying, even when I broke your heart. You never left. You lived your life, and I'm so proud of you for that. I know you'll be the best uncle to Casha, and I need you to promise me that you'll look out for CL.

If I had to do life all over again, I'd search the world just to find you and be friends with you again.

The lump in my throat tightened, but there was a sense of peace now.

And then next...it was for...ugh. I hesitated, my finger hovering over the keyboard. Memories of our almost-love rushed in—of sunsets shared, of laughter that echoed in the spaces between us, of dreams that never quite aligned. How do you tell someone you once loved that you're proud of them, without letting the past seep in? I felt the gentle thump in my belly again and knew I needed to say this, if only for closure.

Hey, East. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but here it is. I saw your post today—congratulations on your license. I can only imagine how hard you worked for this, and you deserve every bit of that success. I'm proud of you.

Thank you, East. For sharing a story so similar to mine. For carrying the same unspoken burdens. Ours wasn't just a fling, and it wasn't just for fun. It was deep, meaningful, and beautiful in its own way.

Life has taken us both down roads we didn't expect, hasn't it? I hope wherever you are, you find moments of peace and joy that make everything worth it. We had our time, and it taught me so much—about love, dreams, and letting go. For what it's worth, I'm grateful for what we shared, even if it ended the way it did.

Because if that had not happened, I might never have met CL. He's the love I found when I thought love had passed me by, when work had exhausted me, and disappointments had hollowed me out. He's the man who arrived when I had given up hope, proving that fate is patient, and when the time is right, it will find you.

Take care of yourself, East.

I hit send, feeling a strange lightness, like a chapter quietly closing.

And lastly, for CL. But this message, the one I wanted for CL, was different. It wasn't meant to be typed out and sent through the glow of a screen. It was meant to be lasting, embedded in the fabric of the story I had been working on for months. The words I wrote would find their way into the Epilogue of my book—special, heartfelt, and forever.