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Self harm trigger warnings!!

Mãe

Think! Think!! What excuse do I give Kenzie now. She stood there her hand akimbo, waiting for my reply.

Mãe, keep it cool. I braced myself

"I needed some fresh air,I was at the park" I shrugged

"At 2am?" She gave me a questioning look "Who dropped you off? That was definitely not a cab" she queried further

"That's none of your business" I hissed

"None of my business? You live in my freaking house Mãe. I'm partially responsible for your well being" she flared up "I worry about you all the damn time,I wish you would open up to me" her tone soft.

She rolled up my sleeve a bit, revealing my Scarry arms.

"You cut yourself again!!" She gasped "what the hell!!. You made a promise you would stop" she looked at me disappointedly

I actually stopped, it was scars from fights.

I feel so bad right now. I really don't want anyone showing me so much concern like this.

"You need therapy, you need professional help, that'll help you move past this" she told me, worry written all over her face.

I scoffed

" You should worry about more important things,med school, your dad and all. I should be the least of your worries right now. I appreciate your concern but I don't need that. Just leave me be. I'm trying hard not to be a burden to you,make it easier for me" I pleaded desperately,I wish she would actually do that.

I heard her sigh. So much for earning a thousand dollars in one night.

Sleep enfolds me almost immediately I laid down on my bed. I'm too exhausted to remember the deaths that has always haunted me.

                                    ✰✰✰

I stayed in my room all day on Sunday. Kenzie is probably still angry at me, she would have stopped Hareej from trying to check on me as well. Knowing I wouldn't even care to answer. I'm such a terrible person. I've always been. I don't deserve this concern I get. I don't at all.

I heard a knock on my door in the evening . I can't stay sulking any further. It wouldn't be fair. I opened to an unfamiliar individual.

"Hi,I'm Trevor, Kenzie's friend"

Apparently,he's a childhood friend of Kenzie but they've lost touch since her dad moved cross country. She had mentioned that they met again in med school.he was a practicing psychologist at the hospital she interned at.

What's he doing here tho?

"I've been here since mid afternoon,I didn't know you've been home --- Kenzie and Hareej wouldn't come to call you out" My eyes met with Kenzie's. She gave me a sympathetic look.

"We made pizza, join us?" He pointed at the table.

I just stared warily

"I've set the table" Hareej announced

We all sat,a large sized pizza in front us. Woah!! It really is home made,Not your regular order. Varieties of toppings available as well.

Kenzie shared it into triangular pieces and placed one on my plate.

I muttered a thanks

"Wow this is so yum" Hareej chirped "I can't believe we made this, you should open a pizza hut Trevor"

"That would be absurd, considering I work in an hospital" he chuckled

"It's so good, I should make it myself sometimes" Kenzie chewed on her slice.

"You should try it Mãe,it's actually my first time making it,you see" Trevor offered

I took a bite of the slice. it's actually tasty.

"It's good" I agreed.

Talks went on as we dined about food, school, sport blah blah blah. I was just indifferent not joining in.

"Have you settled on your major now?" Trevor asked Kenzie.

"Yeah, pediatrics" she said excitedly

"I knew you would choose that,you talked about it a lot" he smiled "it suits you perfectly, you would do great"

"Thanks" she smiled back.

"We found another bone marrow donor for CJ"

My head perked up at the mention of CJ. Is it the same CJ I know? It's not a common nickname so...

"Did it match?" Kenzie asked hopefully

"Nope"

"Damn,he must be devastated"

"He's at his worst right now, we had our hopes really high this time" he sighed "he wouldn't leave the hospital"

Things went sour real quick

"I'll check on him tomorrow?" Kenzie suggested.

"You can, he'll be fine tho,he's the strongest human I know"

"Yes,he is" he agreed.

"Who is CJ?" Hareej asked, feeling left out of the conversation.

"My younger brother,he's fighting leukemia"

She frowned at the reply

"It's a blood cancer " Kenzie explained.

"Ohh, that must've been really tough" Hareej sympathized "I'm so sorry"

"It's okay" Trevor shrugged

"You're a great person Trevor, CJ is lucky to have you" Hareej said in all honesty

I agree with Hareej. I've just met Trevor in less than an hour,and he's been an epitome of character. I always thought Kenzie was the kindest person on Earth

"You're so sweet Hareej" Trevor flattered her

Kenzie and Hareej cleared the table and Hareej suggested we had tea.

I was left alone with Trevor.

"How are you Mãe?, you don't seem alright"

I have a lot on my mind, concerning this CJ especially. Now that I look at Trevor and observe his features, he's very similar to the CJ I know.

"Is everything alright" he pressed

Well,how do I answer that, nothing is definitely alright concerning my physical and mental state,but who am I to talk? He has it worse obviously.

Should I finally give in to these people who's only shown concern and affection for me and move on from all that has happened in the past?

Only if it was that easy.

I could do with seeing a psychologist, talk about it properly. I'm actually safe here, no one come here and just shoot at me or anyone here actually.

Perhaps Cole would've wanted this. He didn't shut out the world after the death of our parent. He lived on for himself and me. Could I do that though? I have no one to live on for.

I am the selfish one. Looking up,my eyes met with Trevor's.

"Life sucks" I shrugged

He nods agreeing with me

Hareej returned with tea. I just slipped by them and went to my room.

"Mãe?" I heard Trevor call my name from outside my room. He's still here?  It's past ten already.

"I was just about to leave" he informed me " I was hoping we'd have a chat today,but you didn't seem to be in a good mood"

Well?

"Kenzie told me about you actually, I was hoping I could be of help in a little way,if you're ready to talk about stuffs you know? We could figure out solutions?" He suggested.

"I'm fine,I don't need no help from you" I snapped at him harshly than I intended.

Damn you Kenzie!! She didn't even do anything wrong. Why am I so worked up.

So much overthinking,my head hurts.

"If you say so" he smiled "Goodnight"

Where are all these thoughts coming from? I don't want anything to change. I want to keep mourning the death of my brother, cause I didn't save him.

Phew!!
What a chapter!!

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