i constantly feel as if
there is an anvil resting on my heart.
sometimes it weighs more,
sometimes less.
but it is always there.

everytime i wake up in the morning,
my anvil rests heavy.

everytime i see my face,
my body
in a mirror,
my anvil gets heavier.

everytime i see him,
my anvil gets heavier.

everytime i think of how it must feel
to feel that shared affection,
my anvil gets heavier.

i make jokes.
i make jokes and laugh and
my anvil gets lighter.
but then
when i'm not making jokes anymore,
not laughing anymore,
out of nowhere
my anvil becomes more burdensome than ever.
it gets so painful and overwhelming
i can feel it through my chest into my back and shoulders.
i cry and cry
i write and write
and it doesn't matter,
my anvil keeps crushing my center.

more than anything,
i just want it to go away.