Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know that it's the second day of the Lines Project, and I have made it both days!  I'm really sorry that I didn't upload the photo yesterday, or write anything, I was just having a really hard time.  I thought that this project would be a good way to show people more about who I am and what I stand for, but it didn't go so well.  At home, even though I had worn short sleeves all day, I put a long sleeve shirt on.  I don't know why, but I guess I  was scared and nervous of what my parents would think if I let them see the lines.  That was my first mistake, and they saw the top line of red, and freaked out.  My mom thought it was blood and she got really angry with me, because she said I scared her too much.  I tried telling her that it was to help acknowledge everyone's feelings, but she said she didn't want to see it again.  About one or two years ago, I hadn't been feeling like myself.  Just this past January, I looked for more answers and I thought I had depression and some anxiety.  This month, I told my Mom and she was really supportive, but then things got worse.  She started blaming my feelings on hormones and being a teenager, but I told her that I needed help.  She eventually got me a therapist, but she constantly makes comments about how she thinks I'm feeling better.  Most of the time it's clear that I'm not, but she tries to deny the fact that I'm going through this.  It just has made me feel really crappy about myself and my life.  I wasn't going to continue with the project, but I felt like I owed it to my friends, you guys on Wattpad, and myself.  I am glad I continued though, because I am feeling a little better about it today.  A girl in the hallway at my school saw my wrist, and she held hers up too.  She had the lines drawn on also, and it made me feel like I wasn't alone. 

That's how I want you to feel when you see these kind of messages.  We are all here for you, and we want to help.  You don't have to be alone through this, because it's tough.  Don't get me wrong, it's one of the hardest things I've had to get through in my life.  To show my support, I am going to list all of the stories behind each of my lines.  I hope this helps you feel a bit better, because you deserve it. 

Here are the lines I drew yesterday and today:

I drew red, orange, green, dark blue, purple, light blue, black , and pink on my left wrist.

Red:

Self harm.  This is very hard for me to write about, probably like everyone else who is going through this, too.  I have only done self harm once, and I made a promise to my best friend that I would try my best to not do it again.  I haven't so far, and I am really, really trying.  The first time I did it was after a long day at school, when I was being bullied a lot that day.  I couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted to not be there anymore, to not feel that bad.  Cutting felt like a way to take the stress off of me, even just for a few minutes.  That's all for that one right now.

I just want everyone to know, that there is hope.  It might take you a long time to find it, and challenges along the way, but I know that you can find it.  Hope that something good will happen tomorrow, anything.  Also, to try to look forward to something.  Each day, I would find two things that I was looking forward to, and this really helped me.  Even if there wasn't much, it was the little things.  At one point for me, it was just seeing Dan and Phil's video come out one day.  Another time, it was to use a new drawing pencil I bought.  It could be anything at all.  This is what got me through some tough times, and I hope it helps you, too.

Orange:

Anxiety.  At times, I am anxious.  I feel like everyone is watching me constantly mess up, and they don't do anything but laugh.  For me it's like always having a crowd around you, judging your every movement, word spoken, and reactions.  I have always been really quiet at school, and in general, but I recently started thinking it could be anxiety.  After a while, I finally went to a therapist, and I learned that I do, in fact, have anxiety.  It's been hard for me to fit in, and I worry a lot about random things.  It sounds really stupid, but one time I had an anxiety attack because I was worried the leaves wouldn't grow back on the trees after fall and winter.  It is one of the most challenging things for me to deal with, and people constantly tell me that I need to be louder.  I try, I really do, but whatever I say is always ignored and people don't hear me out.  They always assume that I am like this, and it has changed how I feel about myself a lot over the years.  I never thought I looked good according to what people judge you by now.  Everyone is judging you by your looks, what you say, how you act, who you hang out with, and so much more.  Some people have said some really mean things about me, and I hated feeling like I was nervous all of the time.  Just walking into school became a challenge, because I had to say hello to the staff as I walked in, and I knew that people would watch me go into the school.  It felt like all eyes were on me, and it was horrible.  In school, I would always worry about homework or projects.  Even though I was a great student, I worried about everything.  It impacted my life so much, that I would lose hours of sleep over it.  For weeks, when I was really anxious, I would stay awake for hours at a time, and my mind wouldn't shut down.  I couldn't stop thinking about every mistake I had made.  The biggest one that always got me though, was when I was talking to a friend.  I said, "Do you ever feel like you are really worried and have anxiety?"  I was attempting to tell her how I had been feeling lately, but I found out after I said that to her, that she has anxiety.  I felt so bad, and I kept worrying about what I had said.  I didn't mean for it to hurt her, I was trying to get help myself, I just didn't know how to approach the problem.
     On top of that, I was being compared to my ice skating friend.  People would talk about who was better at it, and they would judge us.  I absolutely hated feeling like I was bad at the one thing I thought I was at least okay at.  I hated going to the ice skating rink, because I was worried all the time there. 

From this, I just want you to feel important.  Everyone is important in one way or another, so look at what you do well and not what you aren't as good at.  Yeah, people are going to constantly judge you.  There is nothing you can do to help that.  Yet, you know when someone cares enough to overlook your past and mistakes, because they realize your real value.  You just need to wait for those special people who can help make you feel like you aren't standing alone on the stage, but with a group.  People who love and support you.  There will always be a few who can look past what has happened and just be there for you. 

It's currently the end of day 2 out of 6

I hope this helped in some way, only 4 more days to go

Love,

Bianca