i am on a plane.

i am here,
without you,
waiting on the tarmac to leave,
to soar through the skies to the places
i longed to show you

but

i

never

will.

this is unsafe.
this is wrong.
get me off this plane.
this is a horrible idea.
i'm out of money, i'm going to go bankrupt
i can't do this on my own

i scroll through my phone,
pull up the new album i just bought

[i feel the weight of my dreams
i feel the weight of my dreams
i feel the weight of my dreams]

it's an effortless glide as we take off
but i am certain
we are going to fall out of the sky

so i tuck my head
in between my knees

[only there, you'll find it hard to breathe]

it is winter.
it is always winter.
it is always winter
and you have taken him from me
when i fought so hard
to at least keep the memory of him
from the places it did not belong.

i have failed.
i have failed him,
i have failed myself,
and i deserve to drop out of the sky
and perish in a fiery ball of wreckage.

i deserve this suffering.

when i get there,
i consider going to penn station.
but i know i will not find him there.

i know you have taken him
someplace
where i can no longer find him
and all of the magic words in the world
cannot bring him back.

someday,
i know i will heal.
but i cannot even begin to know what that looks like
or what shape it will take.
until then,
i will sit on the plane
and pray we do not fall out of the sky
and ghost walk through my memories
and cling tightly to nothing in particular

because i have nothing left.
you took it all.

[we'll take it to the top,
no fear no more
no fear no more]

11.15.2019