can you explain your identity to us?

So I identify as a lot of things, and the specifics of my identity might call me out to my stalker, but honestly I'm sick and tired of A: being afraid of her and B: being dysphoric. So here goes!

As far as my gender identity goes, I am nonbinary, more specifically genderfluid. This means I am not strictly male or female all the time. I kind of half identify with being transgender, in that I do not identify with the sex assigned to me at birth all of the time. It's not really a secret that I was born with a female body. But I am not a man all of the time either, so fully transitioning from a "woman" to a man doesn't make logical sense to me. I do want to make some modifications to my body, so it will fit my nonbinary gender more, but I don't need a massive overhaul.

Nonbinary means being outside of the gender binary, not being strictly male or female. There are MANY different genders in the nonbinary! I identify as being what is called genderfluid. This means that I actually change genders on a regular basis! I prefer to think of my gender as being on a speedometer, like if you're driving a car and you're seeing how fast you're driving. On one side of the gauge is "male, boy, man," however you want to write it. And on the other side of the gauge is "female, girl, woman." And the needle on my gender gauge flickers in between both of them most of the time.

This means that most of my gender identity is spent right in the middle, neither male nor female. Sometimes I am more male, and sometimes I'm totally a dude. And sometimes I am more female, and I'm totally a chick. But those moments are few and far between, hence my usage of they/them pronouns. I often used to tell people that the space between male and female was the void, because I didn't even know what it was. But I think that's me being mean to myself. I mean, who wants to be the void? It's like saying you're nothing at all, and that was NOT good for the way I saw myself. Why would you follow BTS and Love Yourself if you are nothing?

But then I thought about it a bit more. In American society, little boys wear blue, and little girls wear pink. On a sliding scale, what color is in the middle? Purple. So now I say my gender is "purple," and it reminds me of the boys I love so much, and it reminds me to love myself. It's no closer in defining my gender, as it still goes all over the place, but it's better than the void.

For a long time, because I moved in between genders so frequently, I just let people call me a woman all the time, and let them use she/her pronouns. But I realized that was doing more damage than I thought it was, because I'm not a woman all of the time! Most of the time, I'm in that purple area, so why would I be called something else? So that has been the first step in reclaiming my gender identity. Being here, on Wattpad, being called Asterhythm, having my nonbinary pronouns respected, has actually made a HUGE difference and increased my self-confidence a LOT. Thank you, Star Crew. :)

That said, my pronouns DO change; you are more than welcome to ask me for my pronouns if you want an update depending on the day. This is most helpful at conventions. If you don't know my current pronouns and are afraid to ask, they/them is my default now, instead of she/her.

As far as my sexuality goes, I actually have separate romantic interests and sexual interests. Lots of people on Twitter know this -- this is how I became an incredibly soft stan! I identify as panromantic, which means if you're a person, at some point I will probably want to kiss your face. I can go on dates with anybody, get crushes on anybody, kiss anybody, cuddle anybody, hence my dream of having The World's Biggest Slumber Party with TXT.

And this is the reason I can have it without being weird about it: I identify as homosexual/gynesexual/a lesbian. I only feel sexual feelings for people who identify as women or present as women. I feel all the cuddly feelings for TXT but not a single sexy feeling at ALL. Same with BTS. I'm left running around after the boys post something sexy, making sure everybody else is okay, because I'm often the last one standing because it does nothing to me. Share a cute picture with me, and I will squee over it, but show me a sexy man and I will stand as unfazed as Taehyung during James Corden's Flinch segment. NOTHING.

You want to see me hard stan? Talk to me about CL and her "Hello B*tches" video. I will degrade QUICKLY. That video deserves more views. That said, I know when to put it in the box and put it up on the shelf. I don't feel things for Wattpad followers or Twitter moots or AO3 subscribers because I know to be HELLA respectful of people. Also, while I do identify as polyromantic, I do have a partner and I consider myself quite taken at the moment. The last time I was in a poly relationship, I got my stalker.

when did you first figure out you were queer?

I figured it out when I was in middle school and I figured it out the same way a LOT of people from my generation figured it out: from Sailor Moon! In the original Sailor Moon manga, Sailor Uranus (Haruka Tenoh) identifies as being both a man and a woman. It LITERALLY SAYS SO IN THE MANGA. The image below is the same as my manga copy (which admittedly is flipped and twenty years old at this point). This was the first time I had heard of something like this. It was around the same time that I had my first love -- with a girl! And she liked me back! Naturally her parents moved her far away from me and I got a romantic-only crush on a guy, but it never left me that I had those feelings.

have you experienced prejudice for being queer?

I've mentioned before that my parents made me remove all of my high school fanfiction from FF.net. That was also the night I was forced out to them. Note to gays in hiding: do not use your house phone to contact your partner. Ever. Now, I don't blame my parents NOW for doing what they did, because the relationship was not healthy, and hiding who you're dating takes a LOT of energy. But Smol Me did not take it very well. In addition to that, this all happened during the time of the Defense of Marriage Act. Gay people were not recognized as equal under the law -- even MORE so as now. The President was on TV talking about how marriage was between one man and one woman. I was in American nondenominational church throughout my high school and college days, and I was told constantly that being gay is against God. I haven't experienced that much individual prejudice, because I am very good at doing what Sara Dinah does in 'kicks' -- she shuts up, makes herself look pretty, and does what the old white men tell her to do. I've played along with seeming straight and heteronormative because coming out has been incredibly terrifying for me. But here I am.

why do you still identify as a lesbian? we thought you were nonbinary.

Mostly? It has to do with being old. When I was in high school, there was very little talk about being nonbinary. You were either a girl or a boy -- cis or trans -- and there wasn't anything in the middle for humans. (I would play around with this concept, but that is best left to main for now.) And you were a girl or a boy, and you either liked girls or you liked boys, or both. Even Haruka from Sailor Moon was both a man and a woman. So, in high school, I was a girl who liked other girls, and who had to hide it. It wasn't until college and later that I figured out I was nonbinary, and even then, I wasn't permitted to be. I came out as a lesbian long before I started coming out as nonbinary -- that is a MUCH more recent process. So I've identified with being a lesbian for longer. In addition, there have always been nonbinary lesbians. It's SUPER hard for nonbinary people to assign a label to who they're attracted to, because the labels are built for the queer gender binary! This is why I often use gynesexual, which means sexually attracted to women and female things. I definitely identify with that, man, woman, or purple.

But on top of that: I've mentioned that I was forced out to my parents in high school, and they and society did not take it the best. As a result, I shoved myself in the closet for ten more years. Ten years of pretending to be straight. That's a hell of a long time to pretend, fam! So excuse me if I latch onto the label a little hard. I have FOUGHT for this lesbian label, let me have it, I'm old and cranky, GET OFF MY LAWN lol

Side note: in those RARE moments that I identify as being a boy/man, I do not identify as a lesbian. I identify as straight. But those moments are LITERALLY so far and few between that I barely have time to think about it before I'm back in the purple.

why did you decide to be queer?

Um, no. I didn't decide anything. See, it's this mindset that really wrecks havoc on a lot of queer people. You don't wake up one day as a straight cis woman saying, "I've decided I only like men!" You're born, and you like men. It happens. It's the EXACT same thing with a gay woman. You're born, and you like women. There is absolutely NO way to change that.

What DOES change is our self image and our mental strength. We have to fit into a certain mold so other people will like us. If we don't do that, then we're ignored. If we don't fit in, then employers can fire us. Loved ones can kick us out of our homes. There's no secret that queer people as a whole are homeless more, are unemployed more, and commit suicide more than non-queer people. Not fitting in destroys our lives.

For a long time, I decided that I would suppress myself. I would do my best to fit in and seem normal. And it's HARD. It's like having acid reflux and being told that you're faking it, and nobody will help you, and all of the antacids in the world won't make it go away. And for years -- decades -- I would sabotage myself. I literally didn't realize why until a few months ago. I wanted to be good at what I did, and be recognized for my work -- writing and music alike. But I did not want to be recognized as "female only" me, as someone I was not. I didn't want to be recognized under a name that I didn't ask for. So I just wouldn't publish anything, or I would publish it and I would not promote it. I know better now. I still have no clue if I'm going to promote the works that are currently under my dead name here -- but now, I understand that it is a temporary name. Other people may call me it, but I am truly and 100% Aster, just as I am. And there will come a time where that temporary placeholder name will go away, and I will be Aster on main just as I am here, and that is the happiness that I am working towards.

I didn't decide to be queer. What I am deciding is to embrace it.