Janelle

By the time I finally reached the office, I swear I had freaking icicles hanging from my nose.

Rolling my eyes I trudged up 2 stories before knocking on her door.

"Come on in!" Jen replied, overly enthusiastic as always.

Walking in I gave her a tight lipped smile-I don't even know if you could call it that...it was more like a pained smile. However so, I walked in taking a seat awaiting a lecture.

For about a whole two minutes awkward silence filled the room. Absolutely nothing was said.

Rolling my eyes, I decided to break the ice, because I didn't wish to stay any longer than I had to.

"What do I owe this visit now?" I said sarcastically.

"Oh please Janelle! Let's cut through the bullshit! You know why your here" she said rolling her eyes.

"Yeah yeah"

"And while your at it quit trying to be a smart ass! It's not flattering!" She said giving me a 'I'm over your shit look'.

Woah! I've never seen this side of her before...she was always so...

"Janelle are your even listening?!?!" She screeched abruptly standing up

All I could do was nod my head cautiously

Sighing she plopped back down in her chair "What is it gonna take for you to realize your not broken unless you want to be?"

"I-"

"No more beating around the bush or routine speeches. Those are dead and gone." Jen replied sternly

Swallowing her words I just stared at her

"Your cousin called me"

Breaking out of my trance by the mere mention of her I hastily panicked "She what?!?!"

"You heard me. I hear your getting your son back"

"He was never taken-I gave him up is all..."

Suddenly feeling uncomfortable with the way the conversation shifted, I got up to walk around.

"Why'd you give him up?" She asked as if she didn't know

"You know why!" I yelled with venom in my voice and a grimace on my face

"That I do. But I don't know your side of it..." She replied unaffected by my rudeness

Shuddering I remembered all those nights He hurt me...

"J-Jen I-I c-can't o-okay" i shakily breathed out, feeling my chest constrict

"Why can't you tell me?"she said nearing my still position by the window

"Jen please don't force me to-"

"Janelle? What's wrong?" She asked worried

"I don't feel so good- I need air!" I said hyperventilating

"Deep breaths Janelle. Remember we did that exercise where we took deep breaths and went to our happy place?"

Not being able to respond at the moment I just nodded my head in understanding

"Well I need you to calm down and take some deep breaths, okay? Think of you happy place"

After 10 minutes or so my iratic heartbeat slowed down to the norm and my chest unconstricted

"Are you okay?" She asked glancing over at me

"I believe so" I said still taking deep breaths

"Do you know why you panicked?"

"I thought I came here to talk about my job" I quickly cut in trying to avoid that topic as much as I could

"Well...with a new arrival due in about a week or two we need a healthy transition. I think it's finally time you spoke about...it..."

Letting a lone tear slide down my face I turned my back "Can't I just put off facing my demons for just a little bit longer?? I'm not ready!"

I could feel the waterworks making their way to the brim of my eyelids; awaiting that extra push to send them cascading down.

"Janelle" she began with a sorrowful sigh "nobody's ever ready"

"Then why should I have to be?" I said my eyes bloodshot red and my skin turning a different hue of pink

"Because you've made so much progress rather you see it or not. You gave birth to a beautiful little boy. Knowing you weren't strong enough you gave him up-but to someone you trust-and might I add it's temporarily. You just needed time to figure out your feelings. Even though you've went through a couple of jobs you pushed on. You've went from being totally reclused to all of the world to slowly blossoming back into the person you used to be. And even though right now things don't look so great, you have to know that brighter days await you. You-my darling" she said lifting up my chin " are only holding yourself back at this point. You need to forgive him but not forget"

"A-and why wouldn't I forget?" I said choking back a sob

"Because...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

The lyrics she sung to me spoke to me...something that hasn't occurred in the last year in a half. It was as if those lyrics were my calling to finally release all the hurt I'd been feeling