Janelle

No one ever understood where I was coming from...

After the call last week I've been on edge.

I've called out of work more than I probably should have and now I'm paying the price.

As I looked down I noticed I had gotten yet another text from my boss.

Nile(Boss) 🙄😑😒: J you better have a good reason for calling out these last couple of days! This is it no more chances! So if you want to keep this job I suggest you see me asap!!!

Now I was really in some shit...

Not only was I skipping work but I was skipping my scheduled secessions of group therapy. I know for sure my job has contacted my therapist...just because of the record I've managed to obtain...

The last one was impossible to comeback from...the last time was when I had officially been diagnosed.

~Flashback~

I sat in the car watching everyone go about there business...never stopping to take a break or relax.

I was silently wishing my life had even had a tendency to have a hint of what their life was like. Maybe then I wouldn't be trapped in my own skin...maybe then I wouldn't feel so self conscious.

He never failed to make a reappearance in my life.

He was always gonna stay in the back of mind for he marked me forever...

As I sat there still watching, my eyes began to burn...I was about to cry for the millionth time.

I hated being emotional...I hated being vulnerable and uncomfortable in my own skin. I was tired of living with myself...I was ready to end it all...

So after watching the last person clear the sidewalk I started my car, strapping myself in before accelerating towards the lake...

Cars going north and south bound slammed on there brakes to avoid colliding into me. Some wishing they had, caused a collision, once they'd seen that I was heading for the lake...making an attempt of suicide.

I just knew this was going to be it...I felt it in my chest.

As I continued to accelerate I said a silent prayer. For I knew that Ron-Ron was in good hands so him being motherless wouldn't have much of an affect on him.

'Plus' I thought to myself 'he wouldn't want a mother who sees him as a curse...who can't fully love him like he should be loved. He needs someone better than me...my life contains too much baggage.

I'll never forget anything you've done for me or what you've continued to do for me...and I'm sorry I let you down' I cried out finishing my prayer seconds before I felt my car going into the lake.

I closed my eyes awaiting it to all be over...and it almost was...that was until I felt someone break my car window and pull me up onto land...

~Flashback~

That attempt alone made the local news, informing all my loved ones within a time span of two hours.

Henceforth the reason for therapy and everyone being on my ass about missing work.

Grunting, I slid out of bed...annoyed that I'd have to face my boss.

I had lost my past job due to the incident and multiple others, but I couldn't afford to lose this one. It was truly my last resort, whether I liked it or not; Only reason I had officially gotten the job was because I saved his mom from getting hit by a drunk driver.

I started on my daily hygiene, finishing within 20 minutes and getting dressed in less then 15.

By the time I had made it to my job it was 11:30.

Walking to the back, I knocked on Nile's door ready to get this over with.

"Come in!" He yelled

I walked in with a apologetic smile on my face. "Hey..." I said softly, sitting down in front of his desk.

"I'm glad your here" He said with a smile that didn't seem to reach his eyes. "Now would you like to tell me why the fuck you've been calling out these last 5 days?"

Sighing, I shifted in my seat feeling child-like in his presence "I've just had a lot going on"

"Like what?!?!" He retorted back almost instantly.

Looking away I shook my head, He knew about my 'disease process' but he didn't know about me.

"Look Nile-...you wouldn't understand" I simply stated hoping that he'd drop it.

"Loo-Listen Janelle" he sighed rubbing his temples "I'm trying to help you. Now the next time I'm going to have to let you go"

"I understand..." I nodded thankful he didn't let me go. "Nile, really I'm wor-"

"No more excuses Janelle. You say your working on it but I have yet to see your actions...words don't mean shit...it's all about your actions" he said staring me right in my face.

"Okay"

"Well some people have to get back to work so...gon' and check in with your therapist" he said waving me off

Just like I assumed, he'd called her. Shaking my head, I left his office walking out into the wintry air. I instantly shuddered due to the climate change.

From my job, my therapist was at least 30 minutes away.

I rolled my eyes, dreading the walk to the office.

***********************************
I'm sorry 😔 I know it's short

Janelle in the mm

But please vote & comment! 😘