I can no longer resist it. Every attempt to control my body is half-hearted and in truth I wish the stars high in the firmament would go out and spread soothing darkness over us. Alec's skin is soft and warm. His eyes closed, dark shadows supporting masculine features, fluttering lashes as soft as a butterfly's wings as my fingers gently glide over the sensitive spot of his neck. His touches brought me comfort and are what I warp for. Yet he does not give me what I desire. His fingers intertwine with mine and I feel gentle waves of happiness flow through my body. Alec lowers his head, just slightly, and inwardly I scream at him to just give in to temptation. Let him do it, of his own free will.

"It feels so right when I think about us. And yet I know it's wrong," he says.
"Wrong?", I ask quietly.
"Since when is love wrong?"
"Since the day I signed my first professional league contract."
"You..."
"No Magnus," he interrupts my words.
"I think about you all the time. There's an eternal battle going on in my head. I thought my heart would stop when I saw you. It was like in one of my dreams. I've been looking for you for so long. I walked through the desert and never reached my destination, climbed mountains for miles, nothing to see but the horizon with your silhouette. But I never came closer to you, no matter how fast I ran, how high I climbed. In my dreams I conquered whole oceans, fought with sea monsters that all had a damn big resemblance to the ghosts of my past. I was fighting a hopeless battle, every night for three years, and then suddenly you're standing in front of me. You look different, your hair and... the eyes. But I'd know you anywhere. I'd love to kiss you."

Alec's turmoil is evident. His eyes shine wet with tears, and as I close mine, I think I taste the salty aroma on my lips. I am no stranger to tears, nor to their taste and the feel of them dripping onto my clothes. But this time it's different and I can't tell why. Hesitantly, I let the tip of my tongue taste the foreign aroma and sigh with pleasure as soft lips welcome me. Like the gentle caress of a balmy summer breeze, Alec's lips glide over mine. So gentle and tender it is the exact opposite of what we shared in London. The passion in our bodies was like a winter storm, raw and powerful. We just wanted to feel each other's bodies, no feeling, no commitment, and yet a fire awoke in us as lips found each other and tongues fought in the sheltered twilight of an anonymous hotel room. Hands wanted to feel as much skin as possible and the pulsing of our limbs released a flood of endorphins into freedom.

It's been a long time, a very long time, half an eternity, that a kiss as gentle and soulful as this one made my heart race. This moment is so pure, almost innocent and at the same time filled with sexual tension. Tingling excitement beads on my lips, gentle pressure and teasing flirting. Feather light kisses, warm breath and Alec's fingers in my hair. The feeling of heat settles over me, as if the sun had reached my skin with its powerful rays, its warmth flooding my body. Our lips unite, again and again, and so tentatively, almost fearfully, as if each touch would ignite a storm. We taste of the forbidden fruit, hoping for redemption and a mild punishment. My heart grows heavy at the thought of Alec warping for me, all those years I was the man in his head and dreams. An ice-cold shiver sends my skin into sheer agitation. A slight tremor jolts through my body, small jolts of adrenaline and the memory of the sound of his voice distorted with anger and sparkling eyes, masking the charged tension between us.

"What is it?" asks Alec nervously. His forehead leans against mine and I feel the fine streams of his breath on my skin. It's intimate and all is quiet around us. The sounds of the night masked by the roaring in my ears. My breath is going much too fast and my heart threatens to slip away. I have the feeling that I can no longer breathe. The shock of our reunion sits deep and the realization of his identity no less heavy.
"I'm fine now," I say evasively.
"Really? You can tell me." I hear the urgency in his voice; he wants me to be honest. And I don't want this evening to end. That time just stands still, the smells of the freshly mowed grass, the lovely smelling rose bushes mingle with the ethereal aroma of lavender and are preserved. That the moon forever and in all universes wets Alec's hair with a silvery shimmer. That his skin shines brightest among the stars and the loving glint of his ocean blue eyes never goes out. But who am I to believe that my wishes will come true?

"We should...", I start and just can't bring the last words over my lips. My voice raspy and my throat tightens. I try to expel the lump in my throat, but every attempt fails.
"Yes," he breathes, releasing his fingers from my hair, letting them gently caress my cheekbones. I close my eyes and enjoy the loving gesture, feeling his skin and the warmth. It tingles in the places where he touches me.
"Did you cover your scar?" asks Alec, kissing the spot on my face, a silent witness to a night filled with hate and fear.

To this day, I have nights when I wake up in a cold sweat, gasping as I fix on a point in the darkness. Blurred images of a man, pitch black eyes, lips adorned with a demonic grin, long cold fingers wrapped accusingly and painfully around my neck. Cold and darkness, my voice distorted with fear and pain and the unsuccessful attempt to defend myself against the attacker. Almost ten years ago the event happened and even then shadows haunted me and one was particularly persistent. My dissolute life, a different guy every night and the provocative clothes I wore at my club nights were like an invitation. I didn't see him coming, only heard the loud noises of the city, annoyed honking cabs, nagging women's voices and the siren of an ambulance, which drove me to the emergency room an eternity later.

A chapter in my life I never talk about and don't plan to. Even Jonathan doesn't know the truth and he never tried to ask me about it.
"What happened?", asks Alec, and I sigh at the high number of truths that evening. I certainly didn't plan it that way.
"I never talk about it," I say and Alec nods slightly. Countless sessions with a trauma therapist and half a million dollars later, I can sleep normally and peacefully again. Only on the day of the event do the images of that night make it out of the well-hidden corner, the furthest back buried deep in my consciousness, and cause me to suffer through a sleepless night.

"I hope you got your revenge," he growls, kissing my temple and forehead, gauzily brushing my eyelids and chuckling softly at the flutter of my eyelashes.
"Did you?" he asks insistently.
"No," I reply, slightly embarrassed, unable to suppress the deep sigh.
"I didn't even know the guy. I led a completely different life back then. That was ages ago."
"Are you going to tell me?" He's dying to know. Maybe it will do me good to finally talk to someone about the night and not have to fork over a handful of bills to do it.
"Before I took over my father's company for good, I was out every night in the gay hotspots of the city. I partied, I drank, and I fucked. The guy in question was already forgotten after his dick left my ass. Or I his. Today I have hardly any contact with the people from the past. Only a few isolated souls that were more important to me than others. And there's no way I'm going to introduce them to you," I say seriously.

"Why not?", With a sly grin Alec tries to tickle an answer out of me. It succeeds.
"You'd hear stories about me being the biggest whore in town. And that's still only half the truth. No. No way," I reply with a laugh, watching Alec smirk. His lips shine wetly from the sinful tongue in his mouth gliding incessantly over the sweetness. I have trouble concentrating, but Alec just won't let up.
"I don't care what anyone else says about you. I'll make up my own mind. So Magnus, what happened?"Sighing, I close my eyes, sorting through my thoughts and the memories, letting air into my lungs and the words just flow.

"The evening started like any other. I was in a club that I have visited many times and actually always had a lot of fun in. The music was to my taste and so were the men. But on this evening something was different. I felt watched and uncomfortable. It was strange. Even on the toilet I had the feeling not to be alone. But that was completely stupid. You're never alone in a bathroom in a gay club. But it felt different. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" I ask. Alec nods.
"Otherwise, I didn't care how many guys were having fun together. Sometimes I was a part of that. And a lot of times, a lot of times, we'd meet more often. It was sex. Nothing earth-shattering. A few hours of the evening are not so clear anymore. But I remember leaving the club and saying goodbye to Raphael and his friend. The two of them are really okay and we still have contact with each other. Even if it's not as close as it used to be. Raphael still wanted to accompany me home. But his friend wasn't feeling well and I sent them both straight home, promising to get back to him."

"And you?" asks Alec.
"Me? I was lying in an alley bleeding," I say cynically.
"Magnus. We don't have to talk about it."
"You wanted to know," I retort angrily.
"Did he-"
"No," I interrupt Alec's question, and he winces slightly at the coldness in my voice.
"No. He didn't," I say more softly.
"I didn't see him coming. I remember him hitting me in the back of the head and his fists all over my body. He hit me in the face, my cheekbone was broken. Temporal bone, lower jaw, eye socket, upper jaw. Everything hurt and was covered with hematomas. The full program. I had a concussion and was nauseous for days. I had to have surgery. But the blows to the face weren't all. He also had a considerable kick and my body felt like every bone was broken. At the same time, I was lucky. I had bruises on every possible part of my body and lots of purple-bluish hematomas, but no organs were injured. I had two broken ribs and a sprained wrist. It could have ended differently. The worst part, though, was the choking." I finished my narrative. Alec has listened to it all silently, his blue eyes trying to find a point, a foothold, the anchor for his anger.

Sometimes you just have to press pause. Hold your breath and follow the pain. Feel the pulsing heart, allow trust and hope.
"I'm sorry," Alec whispers and I shake my head vigorously.
"It's okay Alec. I've been through a lot of therapy sessions to know that no one is to blame for this. Except the perpetrator himself. Do you want to know what the reason was?", I ask, my heart threatening to jump out of my chest. I've only talked about it once, with my therapist, and to be honest, the words haunt me to this day.
"Only if it's not too painful for you," Alec says empathetically. His voice warm and gentle. He's the dream of my sleepless nights and no matter how painful the memories, he makes me feel comfortable and protected.

"Faggot. Bitch," I press out the hated words, Alec's gaze darkening only milliseconds later. He knows exactly what I'm talking about.
"After he was done working my body with punches and kicks, he flipped me onto my back, pinned my upper arms with his knees, and spit in my face. His hands were around my neck, it was cold, blood was streaming down my face and I was gasping as the pressure on my throat steadily increased. I was so exhausted, unable to move, thinking only that my mum will be immensely sad when I die. That my brother will have to take over the company after all, and dad will be mad at me. And he, insulted me, told me about his husband and that I had destroyed their lives. I was so cold and I tried to catch my breath. But his grip was so tight and I was in pain. He said it was my fault that they got divorced. At the same time, I don't even remember the man. He told me his husband's name and I tried to remember. But I couldn't remember. I was in such insane pain, my body was really burning, I couldn't breathe and the grainy dirty asphalt was pressing painfully into the battered skin of my back. Again and again the guy squeezed, let go, I panicked gasping for air and coughing, he squeezed again, insulted me, gave me air and my chest hurt so much. He squeezed again, letting down new abuse on me and pressing his knees on my collarbone. At some point, I felt nothing. My eyes went black and I lost consciousness. Only briefly, it couldn't have been long. When I woke up again, he was still sitting on my chest, taking the last of my breath. I will never forget his words. 'Dressed like a slut and let anyone fuck you. You didn't deserve it any other way.' And then I finally lost consciousness as his fist hit my already shattered cheekbone. I woke up in the hospital after being in a coma for almost a week."

Alec cries, silent tears leaving his eyes, leaving a wet trail on his skin shone by the moonlight. Even when he cries, he looks simply beautiful.
"Don't cry," I say, feeling the pressure on my eyes and throat myself.
"I wish we had met sooner. I'm sorry this happened to you. This monster deserves punishment and I swear to you if I ever meet him..."
"Stop," I interrupt Alec, pressing my lips greedily to his and instantly feeling complete satisfaction. Fortunately for me, Alec is only half surprised, returning the kiss, his tongue sliding into my mouth demanding, and I come eagerly. Our kiss is hard and demanding, reminiscent of London, and I gasp as Alec slides his hand under the hem of my shirt.

The past has no place beside Alec and the balmy summer night we found ourselves on. Life is too short to be ruled by ghosts, shadows, fears and worries.