Once, a seemingly endless time ago, there was nothing better for me than coming home, Jonathan waiting for me and a warm home. On the day of my departure for New York, I thought incessantly of Gideon, or as I now know, Alec. Over and over I let his words flow through my head. The soothing deep bass anchored itself in the far corners of my consciousness. I still remember sitting in the airport waiting lounge, a cup of awful tasting brew in my hand. What was sold to me as coffee resembled my favorite stress drink only in color. For minutes I stared into the jet-black and by now ice-cold liquid. In my head, a movie ran on continuous loop, the appropriate title emblazoned in thick glowing letters above my head. Ashamed. Extremely fitting and insanely sad.

Even though I was incredibly angry at Alec and a little bit at myself, I still gave him a chance to explain himself. Because I felt that an open conversation was what he wanted. Spellbound, I sat in a strange bed, in a city I didn't know, listening to the words of a man who obviously trusted me enough to tell me the story of his life. He was taking a big risk in confiding details of his life to me.

"Homosexuality and players in the professional football leagues of this world simply do not belong together. At the same time, it shouldn't. But it is what it is, and as a player for a big-name club I have to maintain a certain reputation. I was thirteen when I admitted to myself that I was gay. There was a boy in my school. I liked him a lot and thought he was incredibly hot. You know how it is when your hormones go crazy and you can't think of anything but fucking the first guy you see on the internet to finally feel the sensation of a male body underneath you. I was on the verge of doing it. But I didn't dare. JoJo, on the other hand, made it easy for me. He was my best friend and the summer I had just turned sixteen, we went to summer camp together. We spent all day on the training field, cooled off in the nearby lake in the evenings, and shared beds at night. It just happened. We didn't think about the consequences. The first experiences are always the most formative. It was the same with me. Of course, I never forgot him. It was our time and after that summer we remained friends. We continued to meet for a while and at some point it changed. I felt that he wanted more than secret meetings and meaningless sex. But I couldn't give that to him. My parents taught me early on that I had to train hard to succeed. I struggled and was rewarded," he told me, and with every word he spoke, a clear picture settled in my mind. He, handsome, talented, gay. The expectation of the outside world was not what he desired. The words gushed out of him like a waterfall and I could see the weight which fell off him a teeny bit, lying on the bed next to us.

"My parents caught us in bed one night and a long and extremely awkward conversation ensued. I officially outed myself as gay to my family. Why should I have denied it? They burst into my room at an obvious moment. I was just about to sink my dick into his butt. I'm pretty sure my parents are traumatized to this day. It was so infinitely embarrassing. My dad was raging with anger and I made him promise to keep it to myself. You have to know that the football field is not necessarily one of the most tolerant places on this planet. Guys pumped full of testosterone and adrenaline. The locker room is regularly an El Dorado of women and sex stories. Some people just don't know boundaries," he said shaking his head, collecting himself and the memory for a brief moment.

We were silent and I picked imaginary lint from the bedspread. My hands were looking for something to do so they wouldn't be tempted to reach for his. In a way, I understood the motives and why he was doing this. I wanted so much to touch him, to hold his hand and tell him it was okay to love a man. But he was aware of that.
"There's nothing abnormal about loving a man. You're good the way you are. We don't find love, it finds us. And we just happen to love men," I said.
"I know that. I am normal. But it doesn't work," he whispered and I sobbed loudly. I didn't care that he heard and saw me lose my composure. I can't even begin to imagine what Alec has been through the last few years. He married a woman and even then I wondered if she was in on it. The question stayed in my mind, I never got an answer.

We sat naked facing each other, my knees lightly touching his and I closed my eyes for a blink to calm my agitated heart. He used this moment to let the tip of his thumb glide feather lightly over my heated skin. I shed silent tears, not knowing exactly why. But one thing I knew for sure, this night I had imagined differently. And it changed me.

"I went to Germany when I was seventeen. The offer was incredible. I would never have forgiven myself if I hadn't taken that chance. Football is my life. I was offered a place at a sports boarding school and got to play for one of the big clubs. Bundesliga. At seventeen. They signed me on the spot. I was bursting with pride. It was what I always wanted. A leg up in European football. I was very lucky. I know that. But luck alone is not enough. There has to be a certain amount of talent. And I have that. I was successful with my team. We won the championship. Twice. Magnus I swear to you, I've rarely been so happy. And then my dad, who is also my manager, came and said that he had an offer from Chelsea FC. I thought he was taking the piss. Since my earliest childhood I lived for this club. It was my biggest dream. And it came true. I accepted the same day. The transfer fee was inhuman and I felt bad for my teammates. I left them alone at the beginning of a successful season and earned a lot of hate and ridicule from the fans. For a short time, it clouded my joy. But when I held the jersey with my name on it, it was like a liberating blow."

"I was always aware that I had to hide my sexual orientation. To be successful, I had to be what was expected of me. Young, talented, straight."
"You're living your dream. But also a lie at the same time. How do you manage that?", I replied harshly. His whole statement made me realize that he had used me to fill a need. It wasn't about me, it was about my ass and Alec, who could secretly fuck a guy.
"It's complicated," came his prompt reply, and I snorted in annoyance.
"Isn't it always? You think my life was easy? Nobody's life is. That makes it all the more important that we can be who we are." Alec stroked my cheek, sucking up the last of the tears. I was breathing fast, not knowing exactly what was right. Neither did I know what I wanted. I heard the powerful hammering of my heart and the blood in my ears. The pounding didn't cover his words and I wouldn't have wanted it to. Even though my heart hurt so insanely, I still wanted to hear his voice so badly.

"I don't. It would be the end of my career," he breathed. It was the end of our conversation and therefore of that night. Wordlessly, he got up from the bed and gathered his clothes. Inwardly, I begged Alec not to go.
"You have a choice Gideon," I said and briefly he stopped his return to a cramped life. The shirt between his fingers resembled a tight knot, incessantly his hands kneading the fluffy fabric.
"No I didn't," he replied softly, shaking his head slightly. His sad eyes filled with tears and then, as now, I was sure he stumbled for a brief moment.

Silently I watched him as the shirt covered his athletic body in one fluid motion. Greedily I absorbed this beauty with last glances at his unclothed body. It was almost surreal how quickly we lost our clothes to surrender to the desire for each other. He took his time dressing, executing each movement calmly and serenely. But there had to be a tremendous storm raging inside him.
"Take care Magnus. I wish it were different. The sex was incredibly good." The sound of the door opening and the feeling of sudden shame still haunts me.
"I won't tell anyone," I quickly called after him before he finally disappeared from my life with one last look and soft smile on his sinful lips.

I never tried to find him. Why should I? He was a quick fling and of no consequence. Jonathan was the man by my side and after a frank conversation about the dreariness of our relationship, I believed we could return to a renewed life. How wrong I was. For the last three years we lived side by side instead of together. And more and more often came the memories and thoughts of a night in London that I now know was never just a one-night stand. I had always been faithful to Jonathan. But that night, in a dim stuffy pub with bawling men and swaying women, I threw my principles and therefore my relationship with Jonathan over Blackfriars Bridge and threw myself into the strong arms of a strange man. He took my breath away and kissed me like there was no tomorrow. Every touch of his fingertips on my skin sent electrifying jolts through my body. No other thought than that he fucks me was more present. I gave him everything and he rewarded me with a ride on the volcano and ecstatic waves, which I never felt again.Alec Lightwood took a souvenir with him that night. Whether he is aware of it, I may doubt. His dismissive attitude towards me hurts tremendously. He still holds my wrist tightly and the nails of his hand are digging painfully into my skin.

"You took a souvenir. That you're wearing it today of all days," he says. Irritated, I look into his sparkling blue irises and follow the path of his eyes. The bracelet he wore on that cold London night clasps my wrist accusingly.
"Remember your promise," he says coolly, leaving me hurt in solitude.