Lightwood. Alec Lightwood. He told me his name was Gideon. I was so stupid. Why should I have doubted it, too? He was a flirt in a crowded bar between people in black and blue jerseys and a level beyond the Thames. His smile made my heart beat faster and it took me less than three seconds to realize I wanted him. Skin deep, his tongue deep in my throat and his cock pulsing inside me. It was so simple. Intense looks and a luring tongue. Men and women celebrated the victory of their team and lay singing in each other's arms. The color blue dominated the evening. In the song of the bawling masses as well as in the eyes of my counterpart.

"Blue is the color, football is the gameWe're all together,and winning is our aimSo cheer us on through the sun and rain'cause Chelsea, Chelsea is our name"

They had every reason to celebrate. The friendly bartender told me very graphically about the old rivalry between two clubs in the London district of Fulham. The 'West London Derby' was won by Chelsea FC, sending Fulham FC players back to the catacombs of Stamford Bridge Stadium with tear-stained faces. Three years ago, he lay singing in a man's arms and fixed me with his beguiling eyes. I hate the feeling of déjà vu. It feels strange, the tingling in my chest is mixed with adrenaline and it scares the hell out of me every time that feeling ripples through my body. Today, too, he is in the arms of a man and again his eyes fix me. But I look for the sparkle in vain.

Alec Lightwood averts his gaze from me to fix that of my friend. For a while they just stare at each other. They seem to be communicating without words, and I watch Jonathan as his hands begin to shake and he gasps frantically. Exploratory glances flit across every inch of their faces, I don't even know exactly how long it's been since they last saw each other. Finally, what had to happen, happens. Whatever happens. Jonah bursts into tears and his former best friend jerks him into a tight hug. His strong arms hold his quivering body and after all this time you can still clearly feel their bond and brotherly love.

The guests have already resumed their celebration. Music is blaring from the speakers and I am a bit surprised about the musical taste of the hosts. I would not have expected that. But what did I expect? Not much to nothing at all. All the greater is the surprise about the identity of the man who has dominated my thoughts since one night in the cold rainy London autumn. It feels strange to be standing here. Just a few steps away from two men who couldn't be more different. Jonathan is of medium height, while Alec towers over me by several inches. Emerald green eyes compete with midnight blue. The forest against the ocean. I love the ocean, the roaring waves and the feeling of freedom. Hazel hair can't stand up to night black by lengths.

They're still in each other's arms, Alec stroking my boyfriend's back soothingly, and I just can't move. Isn't it my job as a partner to support him? To be there for him? He was very afraid of this meeting and the uncertainty about what was coming almost ate him up. I could feel that clearly. Now that I see them together, it's not that I could leave Jonathan for Alec. No, the way they looked at each other and sobbed in each other's arms to get a little bit of lost time back out shows me that it was the fear of rejection. Jonathan was afraid of his former best friend not accepting him for who he is today. Yet Jonah has not changed at all. He has grown, no question about it. His hair color is different, the dark red overshadowed by hazel, but he's still the exact same guy I fell in love with eight years ago.

"Magnus, come here. It's Alec," Jonathan calls excitedly and waves at me stormily. It's too late to escape. Both men have turned to face me and I swallow dryly at the sight. One wears the widest grin of the entire party crowd and the other looks at me with a penetrating gaze. His eyes seem to pierce me. A thousand questions flood my mind, incessantly the answers to them pelt me and immediately dissolve into a hissing cloud of smoke. I do not want this. My heart pounds loudly against my ribs and I am glad that the music is now beyond room volume. Because my treacherous heart is running a marathon with every passing second, trying to outdo itself. I'm sweating and have the feeling of collapsing at any moment. I can't do this, I'm not ready for this encounter. My partner and my one night stand reunited. This is so wrong and I can't even tell what bothers me so much about this picture.

Slowly I start to move, my body responding to my partner's outstretched hand. All by themselves, my legs move, my feet scrape across the dark wooden floor. Incessantly, the voice in my head screams, 'Stop. Stop. Don't. No.' But body and mind are out of sync, and so, as if in a trance, I float toward the man with the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen while simultaneously clasping the hand of another man. As if paralyzed, I gaze into storm-soaked blue, hoping for a tiny reaction. He must have recognized me. Impossible that it is not so. My mind tells me I was one of many. But my heart doesn't want to believe it. I don't know what is happening right now. Jonathan's hand in mine feels cold, strangely foreign and no longer belonging to me. I wish it were Alec's hand clasping mine and his lips touching my cheek. But it's Jonathan, and my heart breaks into a thousand pieces as Alec averts his gaze and disappears toward the kitchen with a nod of his head.