For the brother of my heart, a friend I wasn't looking for and yet found. I wish that one day you will find the love of your life. A man who loves you as you are. With every fiber of his body and you every day shows anew how nice it is to live. I love you with every single beat of my heart.
Never be ashamed of who you are
my friend.
❤ Love is love. ❤

《☆♡♡☆》

"Magnus, honey we have to go."
"Where to?", I ask my friend, earning a shocked look.
"Did you forget? You forgot. Again. Oh baby why? We've talked about it so many times." And it starts. My boyfriend's eyes glisten traitorously and as he blinks, the first tear flows down his cheek. I suppress an annoyed eye roll. It's the same every time.
"Jonathan. Calm down, please. What are we even talking about? What did I forget?", I ask gently, going over the days of the week in my mind. Today is Friday. Fridays are my day off. No not really. I work from home on Fridays. Usually into the evening. Jonathan cooks Indonesian food every Friday. At least he tries. I always eat up nicely and afterwards I shower him with compliments. Afterwards we watch a movie and if it's not too late we have sex. So what did I forget?

"Jace," he says, and I still don't have a plan.
"Today is Jace's birthday. He's turning 28, and Clary threw a party," he answers my unasked question. And so the answer is right in front of me. I forgot about the party. Fuck.
"Is it too late for a headache?", I ask apologetically. Jonathan finds this anything but funny. With his head red with anger and tears in his eyes, he rushes past me into the bedroom. The door slams loudly into the lock and I know he needs a moment to himself.Jace is his best friend. They've known each other since high school and have been together ever since. Not a day goes by where they don't talk on the phone or at least write a message to each other. At the beginning of our relationship, this made me insanely jealous. Also, the fact that Jace was in a relationship with his longtime girlfriend and sandbox love, Clary, didn't make it any better. He wouldn't be the first man to try to live a normal life and get what he desires under the cover of darkness. A guy who fucks his brains out.

How do I know that? Because I have experienced it myself. A guy as beautiful as a Roman statue, with muscles as hard as steel and an enchanting laugh. Even today I think of him and not only once I saw him in my mind when I slept with Jonathan. I'm not proud of it, he doesn't know what happened three years ago on a business trip to London. And it's better if he never knows. Why torture the mind if it was nothing of consequence? Jonathan didn't deserve that, and it doesn't take away the burden of guilt from me. Sighing, I rise and shuffle into the small bathroom. I shower and prepare my body for the night ahead. A full body shave is as much a part of my ritual as satisfying my fantasy of blue eyes and beautiful curved lips perfectly nestled against mine.

With a towel around my hips, I look at myself in the mirror. Last night was clearly too short, sleep repeatedly interrupted by my boyfriend's snoring. It's a nuisance, but after a disastrous night on our sofa, I swallow this bitter pill. Some nights it's worse, others it's bearable. The easiest to bear is when my head is teary and I'm drunk. Then I fall asleep as soon as my body touches the soft mattress and don't wake up again until the next morning. Taking a pain pill every time helps with the pounding men in my head. I don't drink often, and when I do, it's only with Clary. The level of my motivation to show up to this party hasn't risen yet. Probably tonight is one of those nights I'm going to get drunk again.

When did my life get like this? What happened? I used to love going to parties. Dancing was my passion. But when my father took over the business, there was no more time for such shenanigans. I still remember his words of warning when I arrived at the office completely sleepy and could hardly keep my eyes open. All I wanted was to make my father proud. But I also wanted an easy life. My father gave me a choice. Either I stopped spending every night in clubs and taking one man after another to bed, or I left this life behind and finally devoted myself to my duties at the company. Of course, just like everything else in my life, there were consequences. I switched from tank tops and tight jeans to tailored suits and polished shoes. A short time later, I met Jonathan. That was almost eight years ago now.

Eight years in which so much had happened. My mother died and shortly after that my father too. My brother lives in Boston with his wife and three children, and once a year we get together at the summer house on the coast of Maine and spend three carefree weeks together. Ragnor never wanted to join our family's company. I paid him off his shares and he realized his dream of becoming a professor at Boston University. I am very proud of what he accomplished. We were not born with a golden spoon in our mouths. My parents worked hard for their success. My father more than my mother. Still, they were an unbeatable team and the shoes I filled were huge.

Still staring at my reflection, I decide to release the Magnus of eight years ago tonight. Jonathan knows me and my preferences. It's been longer since I've been out in public like this. I'm not sure about the reactions of the other guests. Slight doubts are stirring. I hardly know any of the people present. I could care less. And yet I feel a slight twinge about a possible rejection. I take a deep breath and open the drawer with my sanctuaries. I reverently stroke the small bottles of colored lacquer and smile at the joyful tingle that spreads. Black is the color of the evening and I begin to transform my face. After finishing my work, I am still the one to be seen in the mirror. But my eyes are dark and the kohl emphasizes their exotic shape. The small scar on my right cheekbone is no longer visible and my lips shine seductively. The black lacquer feels good. Right. It's like a second half that has finally found its match again. I feel free and smile blissfully.Carefully, I open the door to our bedroom and find it empty. Disappointment spreads and I return to the living room. No note is on the dining room table and if I'm honest, I wasn't expecting one. Shaking my head, I go back into the bedroom and swing open the closet door. I don't have to look far and pull out the appropriate clothes for tonight. I thank my parents for their good genes and slip effortlessly into a pair of tight black jeans that still fit perfectly after years of abstinence. The studded belt slides through the loops and the blue shirt still fits like a second skin. I take a long look at myself in the large mirror across from the bed and tilt my head to the side. Something is missing. A crucial detail. I touch the spot on my ear that looks naked without the matching accessory. Excited, I jump to my nightstand and open the top drawer. Hectically I rummage through various things, lube, tissues, condoms, a butt plug made of silicone, the intoxicating anal vibrator with remote control and black leather cuffs. Only what I am looking for is not there.

I finally find what I'm looking for in the bottom drawer. With a cry of jubilation, the box moves to my side of the bed. I'm as excited as a child at Christmas. I haven't worn the jewelry since the expansion with London. My heart does a joyful skip as the lid squeaks open and I feel like a magpie looking at her treasures. Sparkling silver and a blood red ruby shine towards me. I don't have to think long and unerringly reach for the earring with the snake body. My fingertips automatically find the right place and with a deep sigh I feel the metal on my skin. I quickly slip the bracelets over my wrist and think of the man I took them from after a passionate night.
"Wow. I haven't seen you like this in a long time," I hear Jonathan say.
"So there. So you're still here after all," I reply in a huff, ignoring the twinge in my heart as his fingers encircle my wrist, covering the black beads of the bracelet. I know exactly why today, of all days, the memory of London is so present and painful.
"Magnus. I came back to talk to you. To convince you to come with me after all."

"That's sweet of you," I say softly.
"But as you can see, I'm already done. Just one last touch," And as if I've cast a spell, Jonathan loosens his grip and I take the silver bangle and hand it to him.
"Will you put it on me?", I ask conciliatory and see a gentle smile on his face. This bangle is a gift from Jonathan for our one-year anniversary. Unfortunately, I haven't worn it much. Jonathan's green eyes sparkle and his lips gossamer touch mine. I miss the passionate kisses of our beginning relationship. So much has become routine and no matter how many times I tried to change something it was always Jonathan who resisted. Eight years we have been a couple and in that time there has been unbridled passion and stifling silence. Hours of intimacy gave way to days of frustration. Excited tingles changed to gloom. Gently, Jonathan stroked my upper arm, brushing the cool metal of shiny silver jewelry.
"Clary found him," he says softly. Cool fingers cup my hand and I sit down on the edge of our bed.

Jonathan is still standing in front of me, looking at me urgently.
"Who did she find?", I ask, slightly confused. I have no idea who he's talking about. And yet, an uneasy feeling creeps over me that I've missed something crucial.
"I told you, there were three of us. In high school. Jace, Alec, and me. We were inseparable, attached to each other, spending every spare minute together. We were on the same soccer team, Alec was our captain. He is a gifted player. Through him I discovered that I was gay. There was a moment at summer camp. Maybe two," he says and I swallow dryly. What is he trying to tell me here right now?
"Jonah, why are you telling me all this? What's with the old stories about your first boyfriend..."
"We weren't together. You hear me?" he interrupts me.
"We weren't together. Alec and I were. But I would have liked to have been his steady boyfriend. He was my first. In everything. And then I met you. Clary found him. He lives in Europe and plays soccer there. Very successfully, in fact. I gave up sports after he left as you know. It wasn't the same without him. And Jace had no interest in soccer after high school. I didn't want to watch it. It just hurt me too much that he didn't give us a chance. All he had to do was say one word. Just one. I know soccer is homophobic. We were on the field together for years. And there was no such thing as gay players. Not officially. Nobody knew that we were fucking our brains out behind closed doors. And it didn't matter. I was jealous of him and his success and the fact that he just left us."

Silently, I listen to what he has to say and I can clearly see how hard this is for him. I squeeze his hand and pull him to me on my lap. His arms wrap around my waist and he rests his head in the crook of my neck.
"You're afraid I'll get jealous," I state, hearing his grumble of agreement.
"But Jonah, he lives in Europe. What do I care? He's your childhood sweetheart. So what? Mine is Sebastian Morgenstern and he's no longer with us."
"He's coming to the party. It's summer break in Europe and he-"
"He's coming to the party," I say, stroking Jonathan's back reassuringly.
"Why does that make you so nervous?", I ask. I imagine it's exciting to see his childhood friend and secret love again after all this time. Still, I don't quite understand his restlessness.

"I was stalking him. Earlier today. When Clary texted me that his plane had landed and she was picking him up. Jace didn't know he was coming. I can just imagine him jumping around joyfully and showering Alec with hugs. Anyway, I looked him up on the internet and found him. That was not difficult. He's a good looking guy. Oh shit Magnus, he looks hot and he's just your type. But I don't have to worry, right? You're with me and you love me. Besides, Alec is married. His wife looks nice." So that's where the wind is blowing from. Jonathan knows full well that I find men with dark hair extremely attractive. That's why he's been dying his hair a nice dark brown for years.
"Let's go to the party. Who knows, maybe this Alec guy has become a real arrogant asshole," I say, gently kissing his lips.
"Then you won't have to worry about it and we can have a nice evening together."

"Okay. You look good. I love you," he breathes against my lips and I bury my hands in his full hair and lock his mouth with mine. Years of kisses, countless moments of us being so close. Still his kisses taste sweet and slowly my tongue brushes his upper lip. A sigh leaves his mouth as my tongue entwines with his and we simply surrender to the purity of this moment. Any attempt to deepen this kiss and thus get back some of the lightheartedness is prevented by Jonathan. He has never been the more demanding guy in our relationship. But for the past two years, it's felt strangely asleep.
"We should get going. Otherwise this is going to get out of hand," he interrupts our kiss and I give him a hurt look.
"What would be so bad about it?", I ask, but get no answer. Instead, he gets up and walks out of the bedroom without saying a word and I look after him, puzzled. What just happened here?