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Chapter 41 – Dear Winfred

It was ten in the morning and still no sign of Leon. His car wasn’t parked outside. My eyes were all swollen and red. I must have slept while crying.

Grudgingly, I took a quick shower before deciding to rummage in the kitchen for something to eat. Becky was still sleeping like lard on a winter day when I left her. It put a stupid smile on my face just thinking about how lucky I was having her as my closest friend.

Yes, she might be loud, shrill, annoying and overreacting most of the time. But aside from the giggling fits, I couldn’t be pleased enough to have her. Today, for her and my sanity’s sake, I decided to finally stop crying. I couldn’t have her worrying about me when her hands were already full with Matt being the indifferent, pathetic excuse for a boyfriend.

“Sleep well, Becky,” I said patting her blonde head before heading downstairs.

Arthur was sitting on the kitchen table, reading the morning paper with a cup of coffee on his hand when I came in. He lifted his gaze and greeted me with a smile.

“Good morning. Had a rough night?”

“Err… Something like that.” I answered with the best smile I could muster. “Is Leon up yet?”

“Oh that,” With a gentle nod from his blonde head, he stood up and headed to the counter. “He didn’t come home. I had him check in the hotel just in case he had something to drink in the after-party. Personally, I’m not really a fan of his driving and most certainly not at night.”

We both chuckled at the thought. Leon seemed to have a compulsion to drive really fast as though it would make his teeth fall off once the speed gauge went below sixty.

“I-is that so? I was wondering why he didn’t come home… but it’s not like I was really worried… or something like that.” I dropped my gaze once I realized the warmth on my cheeks. With a wry smile, I slumped halfheartedly on the nearest chair and stared outside through the window hoping to see his blue Audi.

See you tonight after the show.

It was just a strong hunch but I thought I already knew why. The mere notion of it churned my insides. Somehow, I didn’t feel so hungry anymore.

“So what did you think about the concert? Pretty neat, eh?” When I answered with a tentative smile, his forehead creased as his blue eyes fixed on me. “Sarah, are you okay? You don’t look well.”

“I’m fine… Just a bit tired I guess.” I said.

“You’re worried about him.” It wasn’t a question.

I’d deny it but I knew Arthur could just see through me as though the words were written on my face so I just replied with a diffident nod.

Arthur smiled at me. “You don’t really have to. Leon’s pretty responsible for a kid. Perhaps sometimes too responsible that he gets really thick-headed to the point of keeping all the problematic matters to himself. I get this feeling that he’d have to worry about receding hairline and wrinkles sooner than me. Coffee?”

Arthur sat laughing and pushed a mug of steaming hot coffee in front of me.

“Thanks,” I nodded, deep in thought again as I took a sip. Leon didn’t come home.

Dear Winfred,

Today, I decided that I wouldn’t cry anymore.

Do you remember what you always said to me when I was little? You said that when in doubt, always trust my instincts. But since my instincts were worst than a weatherman’s, I decided to keep trusting Leon. And so I will.

Dad, you also said, that if I wanted something… if I really wanted it, I should do everything to get it. Well, I never really wanted anything so badly more than him. Does that make any sense? Even so, all I can do is to spend whatever time we have left together happily. In that way, though I know that I’d probably get hurt after some time, I will have no regrets.

So for today, my game face is on. How hard it is to keep smiling when I’m just feeling all lame and smashed up? Will I ever be happy again Dad? This is all so depressing.

Happy thoughts. I told myself as I stared at my diary and put down my pen. Chess club, blueberry cheesecake, Harry Potter, college, literature. Happy thoughts, my mind cried only to make me realize that almost nothing interests me anymore.

Empty.

For the past couple of months, my life revolved around Leon and I couldn’t think straight having so much doubts. With a sigh, I picked up my pen again and stared at the window. It was already dark outside. I wonder where he might be. What was he doing? It was driving me crazy.

I continued to write again despite the exhaustion that seemed to grip me.

As Becky had suggested, we cooked dinner together for a small victory party for Leon. It isn’t much but I’m proud of it though Becky did most of the cooking. Most of the time, I’d find her staring blankly with that empty expression she usually wore whenever she talked about Matt nowadays.

I’d tell her about his scheme but I couldn’t quite make myself do so. I can’t just go on telling her “Hey Becky, do you know you’re boyfriend’s just using you to get to me? He doesn’t really love you so will you do me a favor and rip his face off instead?”

No Dad. I have to do it at the right time. I need Becky now more than ever and yes, you can call me selfish but it doesn’t matter. No one could hate me more than I hate myself now.

I tried to act like the brave girl you wanted me to be but I couldn’t help but cry while I was chopping the onions. It was a good excuse but still, I know it’s pathetic.

Becky kept askiing, “Are you crying?” and when I vehemently denied it, she’d kept bugging me about it. She knew me too well I just detest it sometimes.

“Sarah,” said a voice with a gentle tap on my shoulder. “Sarah, wake up.”

I opened my eyes abruptly and realized that I fell asleep on the couch in the living room waiting for Leon. And, speaking of the devil, I saw his beatific face just a couple of inches away from mine. His blue eyes seemed to examine me for a while it made me cringe away from him almost mechanically.

“L-leon!” I stammered dubious of what to say, hands clasped on my chest, heart pounding fiercely. There was a discomfited silence for a few moments before I could trip over my tongue again. “Urgh, you scared me! Y-you’re here…” I let out a sigh of relief. It felt as though I was dreaming I couldn’t help but beam.

“In the flesh. Was I really that scary?” He sat beside me laughing quietly as his arm wrapped on my shoulder.

I froze on my seat with the strangest urge to flinch at his slightest touch but I managed not to do with much effort. With a wry smile, I shook my head lightly.

“Err… N-not really. It’s just that… you startled me.”

He tilted his head thoughtfully, and after gawking at him for a little while, I wondered why I was feeling rather ill at ease around him. Maybe because I was guilt-ridden and troubled with a bunch of stuff that disconcerted me but mostly because of the note I found in his dressing room.

“Dad made you drink a lot of coffee, didn’t he?” He grunted through his teeth with a hint of annoyance. “If you can’t handle it, just tell him off. It won’t hurt his feelings the least bit. Ah, that’s why you’ve been so jumpy these past few days.”

I couldn’t help but laugh silently.

“Why are you being such a nag all of a sudden? I was waiting for you all day. Where have you been? How could you make me worry like that without giving me a call?” I muttered with a halfhearted scowl.

“And who’s nagging now?” He chided holding back a smile. “You know I had to work hard to earn a living for us.” With a grunt, he glared at me. “And I’m dead tired so I at least expect you to wait for me here and say welcome home Honey, when I come back.”

I stiffened on my seat feeling the rush of blood to my cheeks.

Welcome home, Honey.

“W-what the heck are you t-talking about?” There was a hint of exasperation in my voice though what he implied bewildered me and made the fluttering in my chest worse. I couldn’t even look at him so I just stared intently at the porcelain angel figurine in front of us.

He yawned and stretched his arms. “Sheesh, when someone tells you something, you really got to learn to pay attention.”

Urgh. How could he be so annoying and charming at the same time? I rolled my eyes and groaned impatiently. But mostly I was nervous. Really nervous.

“W-what? Are you saying I have ADD or something?” I know full well that it wasn’t what he meant but I just had to talk back to hide my anxiety.

“Okay,” said he palms up as though in retreat, appearing more amused than remorseful. “You win, for now.” The corner of his lips curled reminding me once again how I loved him. Just a while ago, I was feeling all down in the dumps and it wasn’t even five minutes and he’d already made me smile. He might not realize it but he was the only one I needed to be happy as though I could forget all the worries, like they didn’t have a bearing at all.

With a gentle squeeze on my shoulder, he put his lips on my forehead softly. Then he was chuckling again.

“W-what?” I threw him a puzzled look.

“I think I know why you’ve been acting out.” A smirk slowly formed on his face.

“What are you talking ab—I am not acting out.” I retorted perhaps too defensively since his laughter just rang like chimes all over the living room. As stupid as it might have looked, I was gawking at him again, entranced by his otherworldly charm.

“Admit it.”

“Admit what?”

“That you really missed me.”

“Leon, why are you being so annoying?”

“Yeah, you just missed me.” His smile widened and I think my heart just skipped a few beats. I really hate it whenever he dazzled me. It felt like I was going to faint or worse, throw up.

I gulped. The teasing kept on and went worse. I was soon losing my wits as to how I’d retort at him without looking utterly moronic which was far too impossible. As was expected, I ended up choking with my own words, in the brink of tears but still angry and embarrassed at the same time.

“Yeah well, just because I did miss you didn’t mean you’ve won a pass to be so full of yourself!” With that I stomped on his shoe and stormed my way upstairs.

I didn’t glance back when he groaned in pain or care that I might have just broke his foot. As childish as it had been, I felt just a bit guilty. He started it. But as soon as I reached the door to my room, I realized how embarrassing my actions had been. Urgh. Job well done Sarah!

“Sarah, wait!” Leon hobbled awkwardly to me wincing a bit, his face mirroring worry instead of disappointment. “I was just kidding. Sorry, I was a jerk okay? I guess it’s me who really missed you after all.” Unexpectedly, he caught hold of my hand and pulled me to him.

With a stifled whimper I clutched on the back of his shirt, heart in a frantic race I couldn’t even seem to breathe normally. “H-how come you’re the one apologizing...”

“Someone had to. It feels like I’m going to be sick when we fight.” As he laughed quietly, I reluctantly nudged him on the side.

“I-is your foot okay?” I mumbled, misty eyed, feeling really guilty for being so immature.

“You’re saying you’re sorry and you’ve just been forgiven.” He smiled and wrapped his hands around me, this time tightly.

“Here,” He handed me my diary back. I snatched it from him the instant I saw it. Urgh. How could I be so reckless?

“Who’s Winfred?” Leon asked with a wry smile. “Err… I… accidentally caught the first line but I didn’t actually—“

“My dad.” I smiled cutting him as if to say that it was okay. Most of the things there, he already knew them anyway. Except the last entry. I hoped he hadn’t read that. My cheeks burned again so, to conceal it, I dropped my gaze at once.

“Your Dad? Oh…” An expression of relief trailed on his perfect face that caused me to have a delusion that he was being jealous for some reason. “Well, you didn’t tell me his name.”

“Winfred Byrnes.” I said smiling.

Leon looked blank for a second then smiled back. “Oh… okay.” There was a pensive pause.

Dear Winfred,

I tried. I really tried not to cry but I couldn’t help it.

As it turned out, Leon couldn’t have dinner with us since Louella’s having a party for him in her house in Beverly Hills. I just smiled and told him it’s fine as he apologized over and over again. Do you have any idea how difficult that is? He even asked me to come with him but I told him Becky wasn’t feeling so well and I don’t want to leave her alone in the house, which was the truth but mostly because I didn’t want to be there at all.

I didn’t want to see them together. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to stay composed. How long could I manage to grin and pretend I’m okay?

When I saw him off to his car, I smiled and waved back at him. But at that very moment, I wanted to run to him, hold him tight and tell him not to go.

I stifled a sob and buried my face on my knees as I curled sitting in the empty bath tub. Becky shouldn’t see me like this so I locked myself inside the bathroom. I couldn’t have her worrying about me anymore. With tears rolling down my cheeks, I stared blankly at the tiny cuts on my fingers and begun putting Band-aid on them. Cooking wasn’t really my thing but I was hoping Leon would be impressed that I tried at all.

Even though how much I cried, the twinge of pain in my chest never seemed to lighten.

What should I do, Winfred?

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It's a late update yhet again and I hope someone still has the patience to read this. Been very busy lately so please bear with me T___T but yeah, if you're still there, let me know yes?

and also, if there were any errors or any reaction (even violent ones XD) I'd be glad to hear from you..

LOVE LOTS,

~shim