nico di angelo

We woke him up with a surprise, thinking it'd be a great way to start his birthday.

It might've been. I feel like that's something Percy would appreciate. But the closer we got, I sensed something weird. And it wasn't death. But it was emotional, and it must've been linked to death if I could feel it.

I kind of remembered what happened last year on his birthday and I stopped before we reached his cabin. The sun was barely up, but I had a feeling he was asleep. He probably never went to bed. I didn't. Annabeth probably hasn't, even though she's in California already.

I haven't been able to sleep in three days because of everyone else plus myself. Percy probably hasn't in a week. He saw most of those deaths. They were his friends.

And they're gone. And now he finally has time to actually realize that.

It hurts when you have time and it just hits you. That they're gone. That they're never coming back. It hurts.

"Nico?" Hazel asked, because I realized what this day was going to be for Percy. It wasn't his 17th birthday. It was the one year anniversary of the war. "Hey, Nico. Come on. Did you seriously not sleep last night?"

"This is a really bad idea."

After all, this Christmas will be my first one since Bianca died. And it's only for Hazel. Had she never been here, I would go on without it.

"What are you talking about?" Jason responded, not believing me. "It's his birthday, Nico. Why on Earth wouldn't this be a good idea?"

Debating if I should tell them, I decided against it and shadow travelled into his cabin, locking the main door so the others wouldn't barge in. Annabeth is gone, Grover is on Olympus for the day, and Clarisse has started college. She left three days ago. Thalia's never here. Neither is Rachel.

So that leaves me. It left me to make sure I could get over myself for a day and make sure that he's going to be okay.

When he didn't respond to his name, I assumed he might've actually been asleep. But his lights were on.

Slowly, I opened the door to his room and saw him on the floor, slightly shaking. And I don't have much expierence with this sort of shit, but that's an anxiety attack, a panic attack if I've ever seen one. Curled up on one side, hiding his face. The drapes we're pulled, so there was no sun getting in.

"Percy?" I asked, not thinking I'd have to help him with this. "Percy, what happened?"

Of course, he didn't respond. I sat down next to him, and I didn't know what to do. So I texted Will, thinking he'd know. He wouldn't think it was weird if I asked, a lot of people are going to he having attacks this week. They have been. And he wasn't too helpful. He said that if they were already having it, just let it pass and get something like lavender or a soothing smell to help them. Stimulate the senses.

So I went to his bathroom and found the emergency first aid which always had an essential oil from the Aphrodite cabin because it smelled nice and calms you down. Lavender.

Pocketing it, I headed back to his room and just sat there, rubbing his back and trying to soothe him with my voice. Singing old songs I've heard from his cabin or room on the Argo II.

I don't know how much either of those things helped, but eventually he was able to sit up and he was still just barely shaking. But he was functional. And that must've been a good 20 minutes after I got there.

"Hey," I said, figuring he wouldn't care who it was right now. "What happened?"

"Hm?" He asked, looking up at me, and he shrugged. I could barely hear him. "It just happened."

"Okay," well that didn't really help, but it was over. I took out the small bottle, and offered him some oil. "Here," I said, "have some of this. It should help a little."

He put out his hand and I put a few drops of the oil on there as he rubbed it in his hands, slowly breathing in and out. This probably wasn't his first time having a panic attack. He knew he had to try and control his breathing.

"How long do you think you were there?" I asked Percy, taking a little lavender for myself. He freaked me out a little. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

"Um..." He tried to recall what happened. "I'm not sure. A half hour? Maybe a little longer? I don remember you showing up so uh... The last hour sorta just blended in together. I was fine and then I was crying and then I couldn't breathe and uh, then I was on the floor and yeah. Why are you here?"

"The others were going to surprise you, and I figured you probably had a bad night, because everyone did." I explained, giving him a bottle of water. "It's a good idea until you have a panic attack. And you already had one. I didn't tell them anything. I also locked them out because I figured they'd barge in and it's end terribly."

"Oh," Percy said and thought that through. "Yeah. Thanks. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I assured him, nodding my head. "I'm fine. I wasn't able to fall asleep, bur that was more because of nightmares and flashbacks. Not emotional trauma or whatever. I'm on the better end of campers. Come Christmas, that might be different. But for now I'm good."

I looked at the clock. It was time for breakfast.

"Come on," I told him, slowly helping him up. "You might not be hungry, but you're going to need food after that."

Percy got dressed, and we headed to breakfast. He didn't grab much compared to what he normally eats, but I can see why. After addressing my concerns with Chiron, he let me sit with Percy.

"Of course," the centaur told me. "If you're ever worried for someone's well being, Nico, please bend a rule if it means helping them. It's easier to explain that to us than for us to explain why a kid was hospitalized for something tragic to their parents. Especially on a day like today, where a lot of Demigods will be hurting."

So I sat with Percy, who seemed hesitant at first, but didn't have the energy to ask.

I may not have a huge crush on him anymore, but I still cared.

leo valdez

Due to being Roman, Hazel, Jason, and Frank got to sit wherever. So they sat with me today and it was weird. Because normally Nico will, too. Or we all eat with someone. But both Percy and Nico weren't at the table.

We found them at Percy's table. Which wasn't far from mine, so it wasn't hard to hear them.

"I'm not hungry," Percy insisted as he had half a player of food. He sounded slightly defensive, and I expected a huge argument from this. They like hate each other. Why would they eat together? It's also against the rules.

"I know you're not hungry," Nico responded, pushing his plate back towards him. "But you need to eat, Percy. I'll fucking force feed you if I need to. You've eaten two orange slices. You're not going to starve yourself."

"I'm not starving myself if I'm not hungry."

"I said the same thing like two years ago," Nico insisted, picking up one of his rolls. "You told me it was bullshit and then force fed me a waffle. You haven't eaten since 6:30 last night, assuming you ate dinner. You body requires food for you to live."

Percy opened his mouth and decided it was a bad idea. He shoved a Eau Claire in his mouth and ate it, despite not looking too interested in it.

They didn't say anything loud enough for us to hear the rest of breakfast. But Percy looked pretty down. It was weird, but Nico was trying to help. It must've been from what he referenced this morning. When he insisted surprising him was a bad idea.

Somehow he knew this would happen.

After breakfast, everyone split for activities. I had my first few with Nico. We were the only ones with arts and crafts right away in the morning. So I could talk to him, even though I never really have too much before. Normally I put in headphones and stay quiet.

Today wasn't one of those days.

I put my clay on the wheel with no idea as to what I was going to make, and decided now was a good time.

"Why were you telling Percy to eat?" I asked Nico. "At breakfast."

"He wasn't eating," Nico answered it simple enough. "Usually I wouldn't give a shit, but I know he didn't eat much last night and even though he's not hungry, he still needs to eat. He forced me to eat when I refused to. I'm returning the favor."

"Why..." And I decided that wasn't a good way to word it. "What happened?"

"To Percy or to me?"

"Both, I guess?"

Nico sighed and put his clay down on his wheel.

"It's um... It's just a shitty day for him all around." The son of Hades explained, sitting on the bench connected to the wheel. "It's his birthday, which is great. But some really had shit went down last year on his birthday and the week prior to it. Which is why he's been weird all week why everyone has been weird. But he uh... Even I'm not bad because I just wasn't as connected as Percy was."

"As connected?" I didn't think that made any sense, "connected to what?"

"Well, I should say close," he corrected himself. "There was a lot of people that died last year in a separate war. A lot of Percy's friends. One guy had to do a siege with Percy and this guy was 18. Accepted to college and ready to go. He had to make it through that week. And they were able to wire up the bombs. I don't know the type. But Percy got caught. Eventually, the other guy got caught. And the other guy almost got out. There was no hope for Percy. But uh... The bombs we're on a detonator and they blew up. Percy only lived because he's the son of Poseidon. Water pressure killed the other guy. His girlfriend died like three days later in combat. When the bridge collapsed, Percy was able to save a lot of people. But most of them died. But I think the one getting to him is the one that actually happened on his birthday."

That's fucking brutal okay. I thought what happened to us was intense. This was insane.

"What happened?"

Nico stopped.

"I wasn't there for it, I was down on the street with most campers." Nico explained, his fingers digging into the clay. "Percy, Annabeth, and Grover we're up there. Thalia started with them, but backed out for personal reasons. And uh... This guy was like Percy's almost best friend. It was like they were almost best friends and they could've been best friends, but shit happened and got in the way of their friendship. He looked up to the guy a lot, bottom line. Gur this guy did a lot of bad shit and the only way to end the war was for someone to die or whatever. Or not die. But whatever. And I'm not sure what actually happened. But from what Percy has told me, Percy gave this dude a knife thinking he'd probably kill Percy. But he didn't. He killed himself. Everyone passed out from a power force or whatever and he was alive when they woke up. But he just didn't want help. The dudes dying wish was for what happened to never happen again. Percy could've been a for. The gods offered him a spot under his dad as a minor god. But instead he just wanted to honor the guy and that's why I have a cabin. That's why we have more than 12 cabins. Because Percy's like hero killed himself."

Oh.

So that's why trying to make his birthday sound wonderful was a bad idea.

That kind of made sense.

"So what happened to you that he had to force you to eat?"

Nico shrugged.

"My sister died like... 2½ years ago." The son of Hades told me. "I got really depressed, obviously. If you look at old photos of me, it's really obvious that I became depressed for a long time. I ran away from camp and when they found me, the others really didn't care too much. But Percy fucking forced me to eat and actually do stuff. And I fucking hated him for it at the time. But now I'm kind of glad. I probably would've starved myself had he given up on me."

O h .

This camp is just sunshine and rainbows, isn't it? The happiest campers in the world.

He knew the look I was giving him.

"Don't feel bad," Nico insisted, giving me a small smile. "The worst of it is over. And I didn't watch her die or anything. It was on a quest and Percy was the one who told me and that's what started the unstable relationship we have now. I know what happened. I got closure. I'll be fine. I've had time to adjust, too. Plus, I have Hazel now."

"I suppose," I commented. "That has to help a little. What about your mom? It must've crushed her?"

"What?" Nico asked and this actually got me to stand up and walk over to him. "Oh, no. It didn't. My mom died when I was like 5. So it didn't crush her. It was probably a delight to get to see her again, assuming they ended up in the same place. My dad keeps me closed off from my mom for emotional reasons. I'm not allowed to summon either of them anymore."

Sticks and stones may break my bones. But he broke my heart.

No wonder he always looked uncomfortable when we'd talk about family stories.

He really didn't have any. Probably a few with his sister and that's it.

I gave him a hug whether he wanted it or not, and gave him a small kiss on the cheek. It was mostly platonic, and I think he knew that. He didn't freak on me. It was just to reassure him. I can swallow my feelings for one hug.

"Thanks," Nico responded. "I don't get many hugs anymore, so it really means a lot."

Break my fucking heart, part two.

percy jackson

I felt like shit, but I didn't have a choice. I had to do something today. If I did one thing, I can go and cry out sleep or whatever for the rest of the day.

I just... I miss him. I miss him a lot. And every time I close my eyes, he's there.

He's there and it's so real and I just want to touch him and hug him and cry into his shoulder. But I can't. Because he's not real and he's dead. And I'm not very good at this whole coping thing.

I thought Annabeth would help get me through this faster, but it hasn't. And I just don't have the heart to break up with her. To tell her I haven't moved on from something she never knew about. I can't...

It's so dumb that I can't handle it. I figured just some paperwork would be fine to do. And I was like ¾ of the way through it when I just started crying. For no fucking reason.

Well, there was a reason. But it's not like there was a huge reason. I just was thinking about him and then I started crying.

And I couldn't help myself from crying. That was the worst part. I'd try to stop and calm myself, but it wouldn't work.

I wasn't even able to finish my fucking paperwork. Chiron found me crying and told me I could finish tomorrow. When I insisted I was fine, he told me to go to my cabin and take a fucking nap.

Problem is, I can't close my eyes without seeing him and wanting to shoot myself because this was so dumb and I'm so dumb.

So I laid in bed, and I cried, and I felt fucking useless. Over this last year, I've turned into this hollow shell of a person that I don't know anymore. He was like my lifeline. He kept me from doing a lot of stupid things, like you know, killing myself. He was 80% of my impulse control.

But he's gone. And now at he's gone, I have turned back to bulimia because my friends won't not eat. They don't need to know I just throw it up. I've started to cut again. I scratch my wrist constantly. I always carry makeup with me in a 'flask' because I'll be caught dead with cut up wrists and legs and stomach. Sometimes I don't take my meds, other days I take too much. Pain pills are a lie. They don't do shit for pain.

Or maybe it does, and I'm just so numb that I don't even notice it anymore. Life isn't exciting anymore. It's just dull and annoying and numb, and it takes everything ounce of my being to not kill myself every day.

I was scratching at my wrists, too lazy to actually cut, focused on the pain. So I didn't even notice when someone walked into my cabin.

When I felt a hand on my shoulder, I tensed up and lost control of my body. Just laying there. Having my second panic attack of the day.

Wasn't this just fucking lovely?