Hello everybody!!!!

I know it's already late, but I wanted to do something special for christmas. Unfortunately lack of inspiration has considerably reduced my possibilities of presents.....

BUT I shall not abandon you (because it's Christmas and abandoning people is not recommended)

THEREFORE I shall grant you with the best gift I can offer........

...Incorrect quotes!!!

*big silence* (hide your joy)

aaaaaanyways, enjoy reading them.

(All of these come from an incorrect quote generator, I'll give you the link if you want to)

Trigger Warning: Gayness....Lots of it, Swearing

Established relationships: Sherliam (duh) and Alcroft, you decide what you want for Bond and Moran

221B squad and Moriarty squad know each other

There we go!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sherlock: Here's some advice

John: I didn't ask for any

Sherlock: Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me

~°~

William: i went through an entire character arc during quarantine

William: i became more evil if you're curious

Sherlock: We're still in quarantine, don't worry, there's time for a redemption arc still!

William: i'm going to get worse on purpose

~°~

William: Can you keep a secret?

Sherlock: Do you know anything about my life?

William: No I do not. Good point.

~°~

Moran: Hah! 69! You know what that means?

Fred: What?

Irene: That you're a child.

Sherlock: HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ!?

~°~

William: Listen, I can explain...
Moran: You're making $500,000 and you're only gonna pay me $30,000?

Irene: You're getting 30 grand? I'm getting $1,000!

Louis: You guys are getting paid?

~°~

William: Why is Louis so sad?

Albert: He took one of those "Which Character Are You?" quizzes

William: And...?

Albert: He got Sherlock.

~°~

Albert: I think we're missing something.

William: Teamwork?

Louis: Cohesion?

Moran: A general sense of what we're doing?

~°~

Louis: You know those things will kill you, right?

Albert, pouring another glass of wine: That's the point.

Sherlock, smoking a cigarette: We're trying to speed up the process.

William: *Nods while eating raw cookie dough*

~°~

Louis: Dammit, Sherlock!

Sherlock: What?! It wasn't me!

Louis: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, nii-san!

William: Not me either.

Louis: Oh...Then who set the house on fire?

Albert: *whistles*

~°~

Sherlock: We need to get through this locked door. John, give me your credit card.

John: Here.

Sherlock, pocketing it: Thanks. Lestrade, kick down the door.

~°~

William: Louis, keep an eye on Sherlock today. He's going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Louis: Sure, I'd love to see Sherlock get punched.

William: Try again.

Louis, sighing: I will stop Sherlock from getting punched.

~°~

William: Sherly, what do IDK, LY, and TTYL mean?

Sherlock: I don't know, love you, talk to you later

William: Ok, I love you too, I'll just ask Albert.

~°~

William: Sherly, I'm sad.

Sherlock: *Holds out arms for a hug* It's going to be okay.

Albert: Mycroft, I'm sad.

Mycroft, nodding: mood.

~°~

Cop: You're receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.

Louis: Shit.

James: Wait, three?

Cop: Yeah?

Moran: OH MY GOD FRED FELL OFF!!!

~°~

John: Why are your tongues purple?

Sherlock: We had slushies. I had a blue one.

William: I had a red one.

John: oh

John:

John: OH

Louis: You drank each other's slushies?

~°~

Albert: Everyone, synchronize your watches.

James: I don't know how to do that.

Moran: I don't wear a watch.

Von Herder: Time is a construct.

~°~

Jack: You are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos.

Louis: That's the most hopeful thing I've ever heard.

William: But what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos?

Albert: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

~°~

John: Sherlock isn't answering his phone

William: I'll call

John: Mrs Hudson and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-

William: Hello?

~°~

John: Yo is Sherlock sleeping or dead?

Louis: Hopefully dead, I hated his guts.

Moran: Yeah, so did I.

Sherlock: Okay first of all, fuck you-

~°~

James: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Moran: Oh yeah? You're the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

James: I'm leaving you, and I'M TAKING FRED WITH ME

Louis, picking up the monopoly board: I think we're gonna stop playing now.

~°~

John: Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

Sherlock: The cow???

John: What?

Mrs Hudson: Sherlock, W H Y?

~°~

Louis: Here's a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

William: Louis no.

Albert: Mistlefoe.

William: Please stop encouraging him

~°~

William: I'm kind of crushing on someone, but I'm worried about telling you who it is, because you're not going to like it

Louis: Just rip the bandage off.

William: It's Sherlock.

Louis: Put the bandage back on.

~°~

William: Sherlock and I don't use pet names.

Albert: I see. Hey, what do bees make?

William: Honey?

Sherlock: Yes, love?

William:

Albert: Don't ever lie to my face again.

~°~

Sherlock: How's the sexiest person here~?

William: I don't know, how are you~?

Sherlock, flustered: I-

Albert, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks.

~°~

Sherlock: Come on, I wasn't that drunk last night.

John: You were flirting with William.

Sherlock: So what? He's my husband.

John: You asked him if he was single.

Sherlock:

John: And then you cried when he said he wasn't

~°~

Albert: If you had to choose between Sherlock and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

Louis: That depends, how much money are we talking about?

William: Louis!

Albert: 63 cents.

Louis: I'll take the money.

William: LOUIS!!!

~°~

Sherlock: Hey Mrs Hudson,

Mrs Hudson: Yes?

Sherlock: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it's on?

Mrs Hudson:

Mrs Hudson: Where's John?

~°~

William: Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

Albert: I'm a knife.

Mycroft, from across the room: He's the little spoon

~°~

Albert, driving Louis and William: So how was your day?

Louis: We almost got surprise adopted!

Albert: What?

William: We almost got kidnapped.

Albert: Oh, okay.

Albert: *slams on the breaks* WAIT WHAT?!

~°~

Louis: So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything that William does? I mean, what if he jumped off a bridge?

Sherlock: If William were to jump off a bridge, he would've done his due diligence regarding the height of the bridge, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see William jump off a bridge, by all means, jump off a bridge.

Louis: You jump off a bridge!

Sherlock: Gladly. Provided Liam did first.

~°~

Sherlock, texting John: Jawn! Help I'm being kidnapped

John: Where are you?

Sherlock: I'm with some strange person. In a car. Help.

John: I'll call Louis.

Louis, answering his cell: Y'ello?

John: Where's Sherlock? He texted me that he was being kidnapped.

Louis: Sherlock? Whaddya mean, he's right next to me-

Louis:

Louis: I'll call you back. *hangs up*

Louis: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD!

Sherlock: WHO ARE YOU?!

~°~

William: What time is it?

Sherlock: I don't know; pass me that violin and we'll find out

Sherlock: *Plays violin loudly and extremely out of tune*

John: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE VIOLIN AT TWO IN THE MORNING

Sherlock: It's 2 am

~°~

John: Would you stab your best friend in the leg for 10 million gold?

Sherlock: You stab me, and then when my leg gets better, we buy a big-ass house.

Wiggins: You can stab me too, then we'll have 20 million.

Sherlock: Good thinking.

~°~

William: Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.

Louis: Next time you're working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your foster family's house down. You can do it. I believe in you.

Albert: There were so many mixed messages in that I can't

~°~

John: I trust Sherlock.

Mrs Hudson: You think he knows what he's doing?

John: I wouldn't go that far.

~°~

Store Worker: Would Mr. Albert James Moriarty please come to the front desk?

Albert, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker: points to William and Louis

Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?

William and Louis, simultaneously: We got lost :(

Albert: I didn't even bring you guys here with me-

~°~

William, in a high voice, holding barbie: hey ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Sherlock, in a deep voice, holding ken: nonsense, barbie. you're staying home and having my kids

John: what the fuck are you guys doing?

William: playing systemic oppression

~°~

*The group is getting into the car*

Albert: I'm driving.

Moran, out of view: Shotgun!

James, turning to face Moran: Aww! But you had it on the way here-

Everyone except Moran: WOAH-

Moran, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun*

~°~

William: Are you sure this is the right direction?

Sherlock: Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!

John: In that case, we're definitely lost.

~°~

William: What did you do with Milverton's body?

Sherlock: What didn't I do with the body?

William:

Sherlock: Okay, that sounded more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the corpse respectfully.

~°~

John: Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me

Sherlock: Okay, but in my defense, Louis bet me 50 cents I couldn't drink all that shampoo

John: That's not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

~°~

John: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Sherlock: John, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

~°~

John: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Sherlock: Thank you

John: I didn't say that was a good thing

Sherlock: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

~°~

Louis: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Sherlock: Wow, you could start with a 'good morning'.

Louis: Good morning. What the fuck is wrong with you?!

~°~

Louis: Please, I'm begging you go to a doctor.

William: I'm sorry is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.

~°~

Sherlock: A theif.

John: Thief?

Sherlock: Theif.

John: I before E, except after C.

Sherlock: Thceif.

John: No.

~°~

James: *holding a bottle* Is this wine or perfume?

Albert: *chugs entire bottle*

Albert: It's perfume.

~°~

Sherlock: Must be hard not being able to laugh

Louis: I do have a sense of humor you know

Sherlock: I've never heard you laugh before

Louis: I've never heard you say anything funny

~°~

John: So what do you do?

Sherlock: I work in genetic research, and I'm currently trying to eliminate all Cancers.

John: Wow, impressive.

Sherlock: Then I'll move on to Leos.

~°~

Sherlock: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.

William: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Sherlock: Absolutely not.

~°~

William: I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so lets go for 12 more just incase.

Sherlock: Liam, that's a coma.

William: Sounds festive.

~°~

William: Is something burning?

Sherlock: Just my love for you.

Wiliam: Sherly, the toaster is on fire.

~°~

John: Okay, truth or dare?

Sherlock: Truth

John: How many hours have you slept this week?

Sherlock:

Sherlock: ...Dare

John: Go to bed.

Sherlock: I don't like this game.

~°~

Sherlock: Fuck.

William: We've got to work on your cursing.

Sherlock: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.

~°~

William: You're 'the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans', what does that mean?

Albert: It means i was second worst thing to happen to those orphans.

William: but what's the first worst thing?

*Awkward pause*

Albert: William, they...they weren't always orphans.

William:

~°~

*John and Sherlock skipping stones on lake*

John: It's such a beautiful evening.

Sherlock, whispering: Take that you fucking lake

~°~

Sherlock: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

William: Killed without hesitation.

Sherlock: No.

~°~

Baron Dublin: *Gets down on one knee*

William: Oh my god, it's finally happening.

Baron Dublin: *Falls over*

William: The poison is kicking in.

~°~

John: What is your biggest weakness?

Sherlock: I can be uncooperative.

John: Okay, can you give me an example?

Sherlock: No.

~°~

Billy: That's one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut...

Sherlock: You would eat yourself?

Billy: I wouldn't even question it.

~°~

Albert: Welcome, fellow idiots

Louis: Hello, ni-san

Albert: No, no, not you, you're not an idiot

Louis: You underestimate me

~°~

Sherlock: I prevented a murder today.

John: Really? How'd you do that?

Sherlock: self control.

~°~

Sherlock: Violence isn't the answer.

William: You're right.

Sherlock: *sighs in relief*

William: Violence is the question.

Sherlock: What?

William, bolting away: And the answer is yes.

Sherlock, running after him: NO-

~°~

William: I'm going to take you out

Sherlock: great, it's a date!

William: I meant that as a threat.

Sherlock: See you at five!

~°~

James: I actually have a black belt.

Moran: In what, karate?

James: No, from Gucci.

~°~

John: Can you please be serious for five minutes?

Sherlock: My record is four, but I think I can do it.

~°~

William: Am I going too far?

Sherlock: No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

~°~

Sherlock: What's up guys? I'm back.

Mycroft: What the- you can't be here. You're dead. I literally saw you die.

Sherlock: Death is a social construct.

~°~

Albert: Hey Louis can I get a sip of your water?

Louis: It's not water.

Albert: Vodka, I like your style!

Louis: It's vinegar.

Albert: Wh-Wha-

Louis: It's vinegar, COWARD

~°~

Sherlock: I'm incredibly fast at math.

William: Alright, what's 30x17?

Sherlock: 47

William: That's not even close.

Sherlock: But it was fast.

~°~

Sherlock: Three words. Say them and I'm yours.

William: Three words.

Sherlock: ...

~°~

Sherlock: You're right.

John: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

~°~

John: This is such a bad idea.

Sherlock: Then why are you coming along?

John: One of us need to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

~°~

John: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It's terrible for the environment!

Sherlock: Yeah! Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly!

~°~

Irène, struggling to keep upright in her 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don't really think heels are for me

Albert, pointing at her and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.

~°~

Louis, whispering to Moran, who's on the phone with James: Ask him something!

Moran: How are you feeling?

James: Fine.

Louis: Something personal!

Moran: At what age did you first get your period?

~°~

Sherlock: John, can I talk to you for a second?

John: Yeah, what's up? Lemme guess. You and William are having problems and you want me to teach you how to kiss?

Sherlock: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss. I've read books.

~°~

Sherlock: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you're all invited

John: If?

Mrs Hudson: Great, the only party I've ever been invited to and he might not even die.

~°~

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*

William: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

Everyone:

Louis: ...I did. I broke it.

Wiliam: No. No you didn't. Moran?

Moran: Don't look at me. Look at James.

James: What?! I didn't break it.

Moran: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

James: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Moran: Suspicious.

James: No, it's not!

Sherlock: If it matters, probably not, but Albert was the last one to use it.

Albert: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Sherlock: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Albert: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Sherlock!

Louis: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, William.

William: No! Who broke it!?

Everyone:

Sherlock: Liam... Fred's been awfully quiet.

Fred: rEALLY?!

*Everyone starts arguing*

William, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.

William: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

William:

William: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here

~°~

William: Okay okay stop asking me if I'm straight, gay, bi, whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT.

~°~

William: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Sherlock: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

William: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Moran: edible

~°~

Sherlock: Liam, my old arch enemy.

Milverton: ... I thought I was your arch enemy?

Sherlock: I have a life outside of you, Milvertrash.

~°~

John: You have to apologize to Anderson

Sherlock: Fine.

Sherlock: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

~°~

Milverton, negotiating with William: We have Sherlock. Give us ten thousand dollars and he will be returned to you unharmed

Sherlock: Whoa, whoa, wait, you think I'm only worth ten thousand dollars?

Milverton:

Sherlock: MAKE IT ONE MILLION–

Milverton: MR HOLMES STOP

~°~

William, to Sherlock: My life is in the hands of an idiot

Sherlock, motioning to himself and Billy: No no no no no, TWO idiots!

~°~

Irène: Hewwo.

Sherlock: Hihiiiiii!

Louis: Greetings, Humans.

William: Three kinds of people.

Albert: I want wine.

William: Four kinds of people.

Moran: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?

William: Five kinds of people.

~°~

Mycroft: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.

Milverton: What if it bites me and it dies!?

Louis: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Milverton, learn to listen.

William: What if it bites itself and I die?

Sherlock:That's voodoo.

Fred: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Louis: That's correlation, not causation.

William: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?

Sherlock: That's kinky.

Mycroft: Oh my God.

~°~

James: Dumbest scar stories, go!

William: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.

Albert: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.

Moran: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.

Sherlock: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.

Mycroft:

Mycroft: I have emotional scars.

~°~

*Squad reactions to being told 'I love you'*

James: Thanks fam!

Louis: oh no

John: *cries* I love you too

Von Herder: Sounds fake but okay

Fred: *A flustered mess*

Moran: can i get a refund

~°~

William: Just be yourself.

Moran: 'Be myself'? William, I have one day to win James over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?

Fred: Couple weeks.

Jack: Six months.

Louis: Jury's still out.

Moran: See, William?Moran: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

~°~

William, walking into his house: Hello, people who do not live here.

Moran: Hey.

Fred: Hi.

Jack: Hello.

James: Hey!

William: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!

Von Herder: We were out of Doritos.

~°~

Sherlock: Rules are made to be broken.

William: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

James: Uh, piñatas.

Albert: Glow sticks.

Moran: Karate boards.

Louis: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

Sherlock: Rules.

William:

~°~

Moran: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?

Louis: >:O language

Fred: Yeah watch your fucking language

James: OKAY WHO TAUGHT FRED THE FUCK WORD?

Albert: 'The fuck word'.

William: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

Albert: Oh my god he censored it

Sherlock: Say fuck, Liam.

Moran: Do it, William. Say fuck.

~°~

Moran: William... How do I begin to explain William?

Louis: nii-san is flawless.

James: I hear his hair's insured for $10,000.

Fred: I hear he does bridge-construction commercials... in Japan.

Sherlock: One time he made me jump off a bridge... it was awesome