CHAPTER THIRTY: POSTPARTUM !

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       SPENCER COULD JUST TELL THAT SOMETHING HAD BEEN OFF WITH CASEY RECENTLY. Even though she hadn't told him face-to-face how she was feeling, he knew there was something up. I mean, he was a profiler for God's sake.

It had started when he got home from going to the store one morning. He had arrived to hear his child crying and Casey nowhere to be seen. "I'm home." Spencer announces and then he makes his way over to the couch to his baby and then looked around for Casey. "Casey?" He asked. "Casey?"

      Spencer then picked the baby off the couch. "Hey there, little guy. Shh, shh, shh." He shushes and looks around.
"Where's your momma? Casey?" He asks again. "Where are you?"

      Spencer goes towards their bedroom and sees that she's not in there and she's not in the bathroom, either. Then, Spencer nearly jumps when he hears a voice — "I'm in the closet."

      "What are you doing in the closet?" Spencer questions as he opens the door. Casey is sitting on the closet door with her head in her hands and she looks like she's been crying and she starts crying again and she manages to get out: "I dropped him."

      "Huh?" Spencer asks.

       "I was holding him and I was reading and I closed my eyes for a minute and I dropped him." Casey cries. "I'm a terrible mother."

      "No, you are not a terrible mother," Spencer can see that Casey was really affected by this. He sits next to Casey in the closet. "He's-he's okay." He holds Christopher up a bit and shows Casey. "There's not even a dent in him." He looks back at Casey and realizes she's not even looking. "Look, he's okay. He's not even hurt."

        Casey looks at Spencer and then at the baby and begins to get overwhelmed once more. "I'm a terrible mother." She sobs. "No, you're not. Stop saying that." Spencer tells.

         Spencer had eventually managed to get Casey out of the closet and decided to take care of baby Christopher for the rest of the day. But it seemed like, since after the incident with baby Christopher, it felt like he was the only one taking care of Christopher anymore. I mean, Casey wouldn't get out of bed in the middle of the night to take care of him anymore. She had often dissociated from what was going on in the moment and had been less than what she usually ate. Spencer was beginning to worry about her because this had been going on for two weeks now. But the icing on the cake was when Christopher began to cry in Casey's arms and Spencer decided to take over and he immediately stopped crying. Spencer could tell that she was feeling too great about being a mother in that moment.

Today, it was another day for the two. Spencer had gotten up early and Casey was still in bed. It had been over two days and she was still in bed. Spencer knew that this was gonna take time and he wasn't gonna push her.

"Hey," Spencer spoke softly, entering the bedroom.
"You okay?" He asked and he had gotten no answer.

Spencer thought of what to say next. She had to have been hungry. She hadn't ate in days. "Do you want anything to eat?" He asks. No answer.

It was no use. She wasn't gonna talk to him. He knew he couldn't push, so he said: "I'll be here if you need me."

         A day had passed and Casey still wasn't out of bed. He had decided to call reinforcements. He dialed the number and waited until someone picked up. "Hey, JJ, I, uh, I kind of need your help with something."

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         Later that day, Spencer had taken Christopher and told Casey that he was going to get coffee with JJ and taking the baby with him. With no response, he had gone anyways.

        They had met JJ at the coffee shop downtown and started with small talk and led to the big stuff with Casey. Spencer had summed up what had been going on the last few weeks. "She won't get out of bed," He told. "Was it something I did or—?"

       JJ immediately shook her head. "No, it's nothing you did. Nothing at all." She sighs as she thinks: "Now, has she done anything? Any recent change in behavior?"

      "Well, besides her getting out of bed, there's also problems with her appetite, she's had trouble sleeping, feeling overwhelmed. She won't even hold Christopher. She's just been really sad and it feels like there's nothing I can do." Spencer explained. "A couple of weeks back, she hadn't gotten enough sleep and she was holding Christopher and she dropped him and she's been calling herself a terrible mother ever since."

       JJ nodded in understanding. "Oh, I see." She says and decides to break it down to Spencer. She knew what this was. All mothers did. "Spence, Casey's going through a rough case of postpartum depression. It's what happens after..."

      "After a baby is born," Spencer finished. "It's depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue." He explained.

      "And right now, Casey might not be feeling her best self." JJ stated. "Now, personally, I never really went through postpartum but I read up on it a lot. But, don't put that label on her. She's not gonna like that."

      Spencer felt sad. He didn't want Casey to feel sad. He felt helpless, not knowing what he could do to make her feel better. "Is there anything I can do?" He asked.

      "You just need to be there for her and show your support." JJ told, taking another sip of her coffee cup.

     Spencer thought for a moment. "Do you think you could talk to her?"

     JJ immediately said 'of course' and offered to come over the next day. Spencer set it up and hoped that he could help Casey in some way and hoped that soon, she would stop sulking in her inner demons.

     Personally, Casey had felt like she wasn't meant to be a mother at all. I mean, like she said before, kids were never part of the plan. So when Christopher came into the equation, naturally, she was scared to be a mother. She never admitted it, though, for Spencer's sake. Of course, she was happy to have a child after thinking she would never be able to have a family at all with her job and all. But with Spencer, everything seemed possible, so she did it.

It was just the overwhelming sense that she was now a mother after never planning to be one. She never thought she would be good at it. It wasn't like babysitting kids like she did when she was sixteen. This was the real deal and it scared her. Now she felt like a terrible mother and she wasn't doing a good job at it.

       This morning, JJ was invited into the apartment and Spencer had knocked on the door and announced: "Hey, Casey? There's someone here to see you."

      "Hey, Case." JJ greets but just like Spencer, does not get a response. Seeing that Casey was obviously in no mood to talk, JJ looks at Spencer. "Spence, I think it's best if you let me handle this."
   The man nods in understanding. "Okay." Spencer takes one last look at Casey in the bed and hopes that after this conversation, she'll get out of it soon. He closes the door as he leaves.

JJ looks towards Casey on the bed, who's awake but she doesn't say anything. "Hey, Casey. How you doing?" JJ tries out but obviously, gets no reply.

JJ looks towards the window in the apartment. "Let's get some sunlight in here." JJ starts and pulls the blinds open and the sun shines in Casey's face. Naturally, Casey covers her face and body with the blankets.

     "That's when you know you haven't seen the sun in ages." JJ tries to make a joke to break the tension. It wasn't funny to Casey. JJ spots a chair in the room and pulls it over to the bed and sits down, trying to figure out a way to talk to the girl. "Casey, if you wanna talk—"

     "I'm not getting out of this bed." Casey mutters in the covers. JJ is just glad that Casey had said a sentence. "And you don't have to," JJ says. "We just need to have a talk."

     "About what?" Casey turns over to JJ and removes the covers from her face and looks the woman's way. "I don't think we need a conversation. I mean, how could you possibly know what I'm going through right now?"

      JJ is taken aback by Casey but she knows it's just the irritability. "You're right," She says. "I don't know what you're going through right now. Which is why I brought someone else here who has been through it."

      The woman stands up and walks towards the door and opens it to reveal Casey's temporary replacement, Vivian Hudson. Casey looks confused as she sees the woman. "Vivian?" She questions.

     "Hi, Casey." Vivian greets and JJ closes the door as Vivian takes the seat JJ once took. Casey is confused by this sudden intervention. "What are you—?"

     "Let's just say, I've been where you are." Vivian starts with the woman laying in the bed. "Feeling overwhelmed, feeling like a terrible mother and lost everywhere you turn. It's a little something called postpartum depression."

      Casey immediately shakes her head and sits up. "No, no, I read about that and I don't have that. I don't have that at all." She denies. She has made herself believe that she just has the baby blues, that she'll be fine in no time. "Just go." Casey lays back down in the bed.

     "Casey—"

     "No, why are you here?" Casey sits up again. "Just go." The two women don't move, which irritates Casey to the core. "Just go!" She yells.

      "Vivian—" JJ starts but Vivian turns towards the woman standing next to her. "I'm not leaving."

       "And if you think your hostile behavior is gonna make me leave, it won't. I have dealt with people worse than you." Vivian tells Casey.

Casey begins to cry and shakes her head as she lowers it. "There cannot be another thing wrong with me," She sobs. "There can't."

JJ and Vivian look at one another. JJ knew what this also about. Casey didn't want another label on her. Kid, Alcoholic, Trauma-Induced. There was already too much on her plate.

"Casey," JJ starts, sitting in the bed with her. "This is a safe space. What you tell us, we will not tell Spencer. This is between us and us only."

Casey takes a deep breath and tries to calm herself down and begins to admit her truth. It was hard to admit for her but she knew that if she let it out, she'd be reaching out for help. "There are times where I don't even want to look at Christopher," She starts. "And there are times where I wanna pack a bag in the middle of the night and leave because there are some days where I wish I wasn't a mom." Vivian had assured the woman that it was normal to feel this way and what she needed to do was see a doctor about how she was feeling. Vivian had gone through this with her own firstborn and she remembered feeling the exact same way Casey was feeling. She understood. JJ assured that she would be with Casey every step of the way if she needed it.

After talking about it with them, Casey finally decided to get out of her room. Spencer had been playing with Christopher. Spencer almost didn't notice Casey at first.

Spencer was almost hesitant to approach his fiancée but once Casey held her arms open, he knew it was okay to. Casey held the man in her arms and she spoke: "I need help."

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It had been a couple weeks later. Casey had gone to see a doctor about her postpartum depression and the doctor had given her medication for the time being. It was medication that she only needed to take just for a couple of months until she got out of her funk.

Casey had been keeping herself preoccupied and like promised, JJ had been there. Spencer was also nothing but supportive of everything and he was careful and kind to her. Casey had been doing some organizing and getting everything tidy. Spencer and Casey would be going back to work in just a week here so they were spending most of the time with the baby and tidying their place up.

Once Casey was finished, she checked the living room to see how Spencer was doing. He had gotten distracted by his kid, playing with baby Christopher and baby Christopher had burst into a fit of giggles and Spencer also chuckled along.

It was in this moment that Casey had remembered why she loved being a mom. It was because of moments like these. Casey watched the scene and her heart warmed as she did so. It reminded her that in the end, even when Spencer and Casey went back — everything was going to be okay.

hey lovelies!
i hope you enjoyed this chapter

now i don't have postpartum depression and i don't have a kid but i think that it would be important topic to bring up and talk about so i decided to incorporate it with this story - i know i definitely could've done better with describing how casey felt but i also wanted to talk about how it affects the people that care about you as well - i just hope i did it justice.

anyways
thank you all for reading!
i love you all lovelies!
next is another original: novelty
-mya </333