CHAPTER ONE-HUNDRED-TWO: ALL HOPE IS LOST !

⚠️ trigger warning for this one!

12x18/12x19

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CASEY HAD GONE BACK HOME TO GIVE LEAH A BIT OF A BREAK. Isaac had taken Chris for a little while and Casey had decided to take up on some digging with Scratch's whereabouts. She had no idea even where to dig but she was gonna try anything she could.

Even if she was mad at her husband for taking her off of the visitor's list, she was still gonna do whatever it takes to prove he was innocent. She'd gotten off the phone with Emily regarding Spencer and what she'd found out about the prison going into a lockdown while Rossi was visiting Spencer. She'd also found out he lost a friend in there. He was killed right in front of him.

           A few days later, she'd found out that Scratch was spotted in Latin America and had gotten right back into looking for Scratch based on the photo that was found of him. Casey had put her heart into searching for Scratch the past few days. Cassie was coming in and out with Diana and she'd mutter a 'hey' and 'bye' every now and again. And the last few days, Casey hadn't remembered the last time she slept or the last time she ate. She'd end up falling asleep on the table right there and she'd only get up to use the bathroom.

Casey hadn't answered anyone's calls. She had a pit in her stomach every time Luke called. She avoided his messages, his calls, even his emails. Anything that had anything to do with him she avoided. She hated thinking that JJ was right about everything. Which is why she was also avoiding JJ.

And she was right. She was emotionally intimate with Luke. Going to him when she cried, calling him to hang out and tell him things she wouldn't have told Spencer before. All the while her husband — Spencer, was suffering in prison. Getting beaten up, having his friend die in front of him, needing to move drugs for his own safety.

She was a horrible person, she concluded. She was a horrible wife, a horrible mother, a horrible human being. How could she have been so stupid?

           A day later, Casey had figured that she'd done enough with the digging after getting nowhere and she had stood up to stretch, only to feel a sharp pain in her stomach. "Ah." She groaned and touched her lower stomach and clutched her chair for support. Casey had looked down and she found something she didn't want to see.

            Blood forming in the pajama shorts and down her thighs. It was a lot of blood. More than what there should've been.

           She realized what was happening.

          "Oh, no," Casey muttered. "Oh, no." She rushed into the bathroom.

TEN MONTHS AGO...

Casey stirred awake, blinking while she was checking her alarm clock only for it read 7:10 a.m.. It was her and Spencer's day off and after solving a case, they needed it. Casey rubbed her eyes and fell right back into bed and felt over her husband's side, only to find his side of the bed empty. She turned around and lo and behold, he wasn't there.

She furrowed her brows and he had just finished getting off the phone with someone as he walked into the room. He had an evident frown on his face. "You okay?" Casey asks. He immediately wiped the frown off his face so Casey wouldn't see it.

"Yeah, I'm okay." Spencer tells, climbing back into bed but not before removing his shirt. Casey turns to his warm body, placing her head on his chest as he held onto her. He kissed the top of her head and he felt all of his previous worries disappear.

"What took you so long?" Casey mumbled. "I had to set an appointment to go and see my mom in two days. You know how complicated it gets." Spencer tells and Casey sighs, "I know."

Spencer checked the alarm clock, lifting his head only a little bit. "We should, uh, probably head into work." He tells. Before he can get up, Casey pushes him back on the bed. "Babe. You get your days mixed up or something?" Spencer furrows his brows at his wife. "It's Sunday," Casey reminds. "We don't go in today."

          Spencer thinks for a moment and then remembers the date. "Oh." He spoke. "Yeah. So I say we just spend the whole day in bed. All day." Casey cuddles up against her husband once more.

        "What about—?" Spencer asks. "Christopher is at my brother's house for one more day." Casey tells. "He'll be back tomorrow morning. Other than that, we got nothing to worry about. Whadaya say?"

        Spencer smirks to himself as he hears his wife yawns and knows she's closed her eyes and succumbed to sleep once more. "Lazy Sunday, it is." He smirks to himself and eventually falls asleep with his wife in his arms.

        There was no other way he would've wanted today.

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JJ had just gotten back from one of their cases. She had been packing up for the night, saying goodbye to everyone and getting ready to head home. Her phone had begun to ring. "Hello?" She asked. Why was the hospital calling her? "Yes, this is she."

As soon as they had explained that Casey Willows requested to call JJ, the woman didn't hesitate to head into the hospital. She'd asked for Casey's name and they led her to the room she was admitted in.

When JJ found the room, Casey was sitting up on the bed, tears streaming down her face. JJ had walked in the room and the first thing she had done was grab Casey's hand. And for a while, they were in utter silence. No words needed to be said. No words could be said.

JJ remembered what she felt like when she found out she'd had a miscarriage. It broke her heart knowing what Casey was feeling. And the emotions flooded along with it. JJ knew she couldn't say anything that could make it feel better.

         Casey felt her heart rip out of her chest. Her head hurt from how much she'd been crying. She lost the baby due to the stress of everything. Like her husband being in prison, this whole thing with Luke, the fact Chris was still sick, the stress of cases and Scratch. She should've lost this baby a lot earlier, it was a miracle it survived for as long as it did.

She knew that she was probably the last person JJ wanted to see but Casey didn't know who else to call. Cassie was taking a walk with Diana, Leah was at work and Isaac was taking care of Chris. She just didn't know who else to turn to that she would trust with this.

          JJ had stayed with Casey for a few hours in the hospital. Casey eventually calmed herself down but JJ knew she hit the numbed stage of a miscarriage. She remembered experiencing that. Except Casey had someone to help her out with it and JJ didn't.

JJ had remained seated next to Casey, she was turned away from her on the bed. She figured that she needed time to cope, to deal with everything. JJ knew she did. But she also knew that talking about it helped. Especially when Casey had wanted to tell her what was wrong around that time.

          "How long?" JJ wondered aloud. Casey still had her back turned to her on the bed and JJ almost assumed that Casey may have been sleeping but that was debunked once Casey spoke, "Two, almost three months." Her voice sounded hoarse from all the crying.

          "I was gonna tell him... but... considering what was going on... I couldn't. He was arrested when I was at four weeks." Casey took a pause as JJ thought to herself. She was pregnant for a while. "He doesn't even know." Casey almost burst into tears again as she spoke again.

           "I'm sorry." JJ told. She finally understood what it was like being on the opposite side of things. But she figured that maybe she'd resonate with a victim's family over losing a child due to miscarriage, not to her own best friend.

           "I can't tell him. I can't." Casey shook her head as her eyes blurred with tears. "Not now. Not ever."

          "Casey—" JJ said.

          Casey leapt over to the other side of the bed and turned to JJ. "He can never know." She told, grabbing her hand. "JJ, please promise me that he won't know. That no one knows. That you won't tell him or anyone else."

           Casey was begging here. And JJ knew why Casey didn't want anyone to know. To see the sad and depressing looks of pity on everyone's faces made JJ not want to tell anybody. Especially her husband's. JJ knew that better anyone else. And Casey was her friend, she would never ever expose something this upsetting to the worst person imaginable. Not when she went through this herself.

JJ gripped her hand and looked at her with genuine eyes. "I promise. I will be here every step of the way. Always." She assures.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you. I just... didn't know who else to call." Casey told. Going through her caller list, she told the hospital to call a Jennifer Jareau. So, they had done what she asked.

JJ immediately shook her head. "Do not apologize. You needed someone. And now I'm here." JJ assured. It didn't matter if they were in a bad fight or not, JJ was still going to be there for Casey no matter what. And she was going to keep this secret for however long Casey wanted her to.

Casey leaned back into the bed and looked at the ceiling, falling back in a deep slumber.

TEN MONTHS AGO...

Casey had awoken from her deep slumber with a snap of her eyes and been currently facing her husband in the bed. She opened her eyes and had seen her already-awake husband playing with her hair. She sighed and as soon as she had seen him, a big, relieved smile appeared on her face. "Hi." She said, holding him even closer.

"Hi," Spencer said back. He noticed how she looked when she woke up. How relieved she looked to see him, holding him even closer. She'd only gotten that way when she'd had a nightmare that involved him. "You okay?" He caressed her face, trying to read her eyes in case she was lying.

"Yeah," Casey said. "I'm okay." She assured, genuinely. She grabbed his hand from her face and held them in hers, running her thumbs through his knuckles. "I had this nightmare. And you were in it. Something kept pulling us away from each other and I thought I was never gonna see you again." She admitted.

Spencer removed a hand from her grasp and put it back to her face, holding her soft skin. "You don't have to worry about that, okay?" He assured, giving her a kiss on the forehead. "I know." Casey nodded.

Little did he know, what would've happened ten months later would've driven a wedge between them.

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Hours later, Casey was released from the hospital. JJ had decided to bring her back home since she'd ridden in an ambulance. Cassie and Diana were asleep in Diana's room when they'd gotten back.

The first place Casey went to had been her bedroom. JJ had followed her in there as Casey carefully sat down on the bed. "Do you need anything at all?" JJ asked. Casey thought for a moment. "Can you get me, uh, some socks? They're in that drawer right there." Casey pointed and JJ nodded.

JJ had opened the drawer and as she scrounged for socks, she had then found something else in there. She pulled up and held it up and it was revealed to be a onesie with the word 'HOPE' written on it in big letters. "Uh..." Casey looked up and had seen what JJ found.

Casey had almost forgotten about the onesie she put in the drawer. Her heart broke all over again. "When he got back, I was gonna have him open the drawer and find that. You know, he was, uh, released early." She stated.

Casey looked down and her eyes got blurry again and the pounding in her head got worse. "I wanted to name her Hope." She sobbed. JJ take the onesie and sits right next to Casey on the bed as she fills her own eyes well up in tears.

JJ places a hand on Casey's and she speaks with tears in her eyes. "I wanted to name mine Maggie." She reveals.

TEN MONTHS AGO...

"Do you ever think about having another kid?" Casey asks as she draws shapes on Spencer's chest. He furrowed his brows. "Not really, why?" He asks.

Casey shrugged, "I just... had a vision that we already have a mini Spencer roaming around the house. Why not have a mini Casey, too?" Seeing that look on his face made her regret her words almost immediately. "It's just an idea." She shrugged it off.

"No, it's a great idea," Spencer cleared his throat. "I mean, we grew up as only children. I always wanted siblings. You finally got them. It wouldn't be that bad of an idea."

Casey smiled, "No, it wouldn't." She furrowed her eyebrows. "Why'd you get that look on your face, through?" She asks. "What look?" Spencer asked, knitting his eyebrows together. "That look you get when you get nervous about something. Tell me."

Spencer knows he has no choice but to give in to his wife, like he always did about ninety percent of the time. "I just... after all the stuff that's going on Christopher. Without the possibility of him getting sick... do you really wanna bring a life here that may have the same fate as him?"

Casey stands up from the bed, pushing herself from Spencer and she paced in the room. She's done this for about five minutes until Spencer sat up, apologizing. "I'm sorry. That was me just being me. Will you just lay back down? I'm sorry for bringing it up."

Casey stops her pacing. "But what if he does get sick, Spencer? Okay? What if we can't prevent from getting... cancer?" She sits back down on the bed and plops down. "I already feel like I've failed as a mother. This is just God's way of laughing at me."

"Hey," Spencer sits up next to his wife, putting a hand towards her face. "You did not fail as a mother. Hey." He faces her towards him. "Even if he does get sick, we'll get through it. We've been through a lot. All we have to do is just be there for him. He'll be fine."

Casey sighs, "I hope you're right. I so want you to be right." She leans back into him, hoping to God that Spencer wasn't just saying 'he'll be fine' just to make her feel better.

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Spencer Reid was having nightmares at every turn since he arrived in prison. Ever since Luis died, the nightmares were getting worse. It was a good thing the counselor suggested having a journal to write in whenever he was having a night. He hardly slept that well anyways without his wife by his side.

All Spencer wanted as to be back home, with Casey in his arms, swearing to himself that nobody will ever hurt her for as long as he lived. The day he'd gotten beat up, two inmates threatened Spencer and had even threatened his wife.

'That girl coming to visit you. She your girl? Be a shame if something happened to her' they taunted. And that was when Spencer knew he needed to take her off the visitor's list. As much as it pained him to not see her when she visited, it would hurt even more if something happened to her and he couldn't stop it.

During the times when he'd have nightmares, sometimes, Luis wasn't the only one dying in his dreams. It was Casey. Or his mother. Or his son. And he couldn't do anything to stop it.

Casey's words echoed in his mind to keep his head down and focus on getting out of here. The cognitive interviews with Tara were helping and the fact that he remembered the person in the room with him was a woman. He'd be out of here, soon, he had to be.

He'd be back with his mother, his wife and his son soon. He had to have. But holding on to false hope wasn't as easy as it looked.

Tonight, he returned to bed and every time he'd count down how long he'd been in there, he was also counting how long he'd been away from Casey. It'd been nearly five months since everything that happened. And it sure as hell felt like years.

Spencer turns to his side, wishing that the next time he'd turn around, his wife was right there next to him, assuring to him everything was gonna be okay. He missed when she'd lay on his chest, he missed the times he'd watch her sleep when he couldn't, he missed feeling her tug on his hair. He missed everything about her and was grateful for the eidetic memory he had to remember everything about her. Her crystal blue eyes, her lips, her nose, her dark brown hair, her laugh, her smile. He missed her so damn much.

          Tonight, he turned to his pillow and grabbed it from underneath his head and held onto it, pretending it was Casey he was holding onto for the night.

TEN MONTHS AGO...

         "Do you think in some parallel universe, we'd still be together?" Casey questioned to Spencer, playing with his hand as they both sat up on the headboard. Spencer was leaning against it as Casey's back was leaned flush against his chest as she looked down at his amazing hands, messing around with them.

          Spencer shrugged, "The number of possible parallel universes tends to infinity, but does so at a particular exponential rate, but the number of possible quantum outcomes for a Universe like ours also tends to infinity, and does so much more quickly." Casey turns to him with that familiar look in her eyes. "I'd say yes." He answered better in a way she could understand.

          "In every single universe in time, we'd still be together, I'd like to believe. If it was the 1940s, late 1800s, early 1700s. I still think we'd be together today, tomorrow, eons from now. I still think we'd be together. And I'd still love you." Spencer admitted, making Casey's face turn pink.

          "Good," she smiled. "Because I think in every universe, I'd still love you, too." She said, pulling him in for a kiss on the lips.

           If Spencer knew what he knew now, he would've kissed her longer, held her longer, share stories with her longer, talk to her longer, look at her longer. He would've never gone to Mexico. He would've tried to just let things be even if he wasn't that type of person.

          And if Casey knew what she knew now, she'd never let him go. She would've never let him go to Mexico. She'd risk being divorced to him or not happy with him if he didn't go to prison. She would've risked everything so he wouldn't have gone to prison.

           Casey laid in her bed and Spencer laid in his cell, trying not to let the loss of hope interfere and telling themselves it'd all be alright in the end. But in their minds, they'd felt like all hope had been lost. But they'd get through it. Eventually, they would. They had to know that.

before you hurt and kill me i'm sorry-😭

if it makes you feel any better, this is what i look like watching s12

y'all:

i had this planned for a long time-

thank you for reading
i love you all
i'm still very sorry
-mya </3