Song for the chapter: Treat Myself, by Victoria Justice

What happened two nights ago didn't fully register in my head until now—when Karmiah was out with Ben and I was left alone with my thoughts.

Karmiah was kind enough to let me stay here for a few days until Brad calls me and let's me know that I've been accepted for my new apartment. I hated that she looked at me with pity, which is why I've been pushing it all back.

But I was weak; I was lying on the air mattress in the den area, in the dark, now reliving every single moment Ryker and I had shared together.

Was it all a lie? Every single moment I had considered genuine, every time he opened up to me, everything he'd share with me...was it all fake? Just for show, to get me to let my guard down? Was his need to be in that ring and beat some innocent person, just because he was angry at the world, stronger than his need for me?

Obviously, Maddi. Don't be so naive. Why would a Greek god like Ryker really wanna be with you anyway if not for one thing? The one thing you begged him for. He didn't even want it; each time he tried to tell you, and you kept throwing yourself at him like a slut.

I push my hand through my hair, lying on my back. How could I be so stupid? Not see the signs? He wasn't boxing to release stress, he was boxing to practice, because he never stopped fighting. He didn't care enough about me, or himself, to stop fighting like he said he would.

Why couldn't he see that I only wanted him out of it to protect him? When that huge guy knocked him on his feet, I felt my heart drop. Everything in that moment slowed; it would've taken him two seconds to deliver a knockout blow, which he was on his way to do. But Ryker didn't care. He recklessly put himself in danger and risked his life, again.

Then my mind played a different scenario—what if he still fights because Olivia brought him to it? Olivia was his first, probably at a lot of things. First love? I wouldn't doubt it. Does he still do it to feel close to her, in some sick, twisted way? Does she still show up? Oh my gosh, was she there last night? The girl is obsessed with him, so anything is possible.

I huff, turning on my side. Olivia was his first, but he was mine. And as mad as I am at him, I'm even more upset at myself. Because like the desperate fool I was, I begged for him to touch me. I wanted him to take my virginity and he wouldn't. Know I know why: he didn't truly feel the same for me.

You see it all the time on tv, where boys just throw the I love you card to get into a girls pants. Well, Ryker did that and I let him...gosh, I'm such a fool. How could I have been so naive? So stupid? He never felt the same way about me. I just want to know why he set out to destroy me, emotionally and mentally, when I had been avoiding him anyway.

He pursued me. Why the hell would he try so hard? Just to break me? Just for some sick game? Because he wanted to teach me some kind of lesson for hating his ass for calling me fat?

The more and more I dwelled on it, the more and more pissed off I became. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep that mad, because I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache.

I didn't even wanna go to work, but I pushed myself anyway. I got dressed, pulled my hair up and headed out to Joe's. The morning shift was busy, as usual. But I didn't mind. It kept my mind occupied.

I didn't bother with smiles today because I was in no mood to pretend that everything was right in the world when it wasn't.

When I got out at one, I decided to get a bite to eat. I walked down the square, trying to admire the warmth of the sun on my skin. But when I turned the corner, my heart almost stopped beating.

Ryker was looking down at his phone, pushing one hand through his hair, as he walked in the same direction as me. I looked around me and mentally cursed when I saw Ben's shop. When Ryker looked up, I could see the dark bruise on his cheek, how swollen his lip was. I can only imagine what everything else looks like.

My initial reaction was to run up to him and examine him, ask him if he's okay. But my very prideful mind had my feet planted in place.

Ryker looked up at me, and I half expected him to smile—or tear up—and run up to me, apologize profusely, to which I'd probably still be mad at. But...he didn't. He looked at me like he didn't even know me, like I was nothing to him. He looked back down at his phone before he walked to the shop door and opened it, disappearing inside.

I wanted to vomit. How could he just look at me like that? Like I had been just another bystander on the street. Like I'm no one.

That's because you are, my subconscious reminds me.

I blink away the tears that had pooled in my eyes. I hated the fact that when it came to Ryker, I couldn't stop myself from crying. Over any little thing, I couldn't control it. I wasn't a person who cried easily before. Now? I cry a lot. Because of him.

I march myself all the way to Ryker's place, since I had been to scared to go back since that night, and storm inside. Ryker had given me a key a couple days after he asked me to stay with him, so it wasn't like I was breaking in.

Was I?

I shake my head and go up the stairs. When I opened Ryker's door, it's like nobody had been inside since that day. I hold onto the doorknob, glancing at everything as I left it: my dirty laundry on top of my suitcase, my house shoes halfway under his bed, the bed sheets still ruffled and jumbled from when I ran to the bathroom after Ryker and I...

I turn away, closing my eyes. No. I will not be that girl.

I shove all of my stuff from around the room into my duffles, not caring how anything was placed. I just needed to get out of here. My eyes landed on the paper Ryker had finally gifted me, his poem.

His very own words, written on actual paper. What a fool I was to believe anything he said. Men are just liars.

I crumble up the stupid poem, my heart hurting with each crunch, and I leave it on his bed. I take my duffel bags down the stairs and pause. I leave the key he gave me on his counter, staring at it for a moment.

Maybe I should keep it? Just in case? I mean, Ryker does have asthma and could trigger at any moment.

I scoff at myself. Way to be pitiful, Maddi. He's survived this long without you. He'll do it again.

I push my feet, forcing me out of the house. The house I'd come to enjoy being in. The house we shared so many memories already. His house.

I watch my feet as I walk, slow, remembering every small detail over the past couple weeks.

"It's a symbol of me, I guess you could say." I hear Ryker's words as I watch him in the kitchen, shirtless, and questioned him about his tattoo. "I was born into a family who conformed to what they had all been brainwashed to believe before them. I never really fit into their expectations of me even when I was a kid. I'd spend time reading and wishing to be able to write something so heartfelt like those authors. I grew up in constant reprimand of what I wished for instead of simply falling into line. When I was seventeen, I went out and a buddy of mine did the tat, telling me it was the most meaningful tattoo he'd gotten yet. Because I told him I wanted to break free from all of life's shit and high expectations. I wanted to be me."

The memory felt like someone had willingly shoved their hand into my chest and was squeezing my heart. Because Ryker has a beautiful outlook on life, but he chooses to be a liar. He chooses to be selfish and not use it for good.

I dragged my way into a hotel, Ryker's words on repeat in my mind.

"Tell me again." Ryker randomly popped out with when I was on the couch, scrolling through attorneys again.

"Tell you what?" I look at him.

Ryker crawls across the couch and hovers his face close to mine.

"Tell me you love me."

I wrinkle my nose at him, my stomach full of butterflies.

"I love you, Ryker."

I can almost feel his eager lips on mine as I check in, trying to hold myself together. I mumbled something incoherent as I grabbed my card and walked down the hallway.

Two days. Two whole days since Ryker and I had said we loved each other, and yet he acted like never uttered those words to me before in his life. As I walked in the small room, I leaned against the door and slowly fell to the floor.

I want to see you, Maddison. All of you.

I never wanted anyone as much as I want you, Maddison.

I fucking love you, Maddison. All of you. You don't have to be afraid to show me any of you.

Why do you think so low of yourself? That you'd only be worth someone's time just to fuck? And so low of me, that that'd be some kind of conquest?

Ryker never wanted anything more with me. Each time, I begged him for it. I begged him for more. And he gave in, because what guy wouldn't? Realization creeps in and I feel like someone threw me with ice cold water.

I was a conquest. I didn't say the words conquest, he did. He so casually brought it up, I never had time to question it. To really hear him say those choice words. And now that he's gotten what he wanted...he was gone.

I angrily wipe the tears that had fallen on my face and stand to my feet. How could I have been so stupid? To willingly allow someone to know me on such a personal level and give them the power to hurt me?

This is exactly what happens when you finally decides to let someone in—they take everything you give them and use it as weapon. And each wound you had felt like was healing? It gets ripped open ten times worse.

And as much as I try to convince myself that everything was Ryker was a mistake...I know it wasn't. Ryker had opened my eyes to what happiness can look like, feel like. And it felt incredible; these past couple months with him was some of the happiest times of my life.

Yeah, I'm angry he's a sociopathic liar. But I'm also grateful. Because I know that I have it in myself to be better, to be happy and carefree. That despite my weight, I can be happy.

I'll get over Ryker. It'll take...who knows long to do so, but I will. I'll be able to come out stronger on the other side of it and love someone who's actually worth my time.

Brad calling me disturbs my inner monologue.

"Hello?"

"Maddi, hey! Brad here, just wanted to let you know that your contract was approved. You should be able to move in by the end of the week."

"Really?" I breathe in relief.

"Yeah! We just need to meet up at some point, maybe tomorrow, and get the deposit and final signatures. You'll be good to go."

"You just made my day, Brad. Thank you."

"No problem. Talk soon."

And with that, he hung up. I huff out a relieved breath and close my eyes. I can do this. I just need me.

Maybe if I say it enough, I'll believe it. Because when I'm showered and under the heavy sheets of the motel bed, my heart still craves for Ryker's presence. And I fight every urge in me to call him and break.

But I'm strong. I'll survive this. Without him.

A/N

So y'all may hate me, but Maddi learning her self worth and slowly starting to work on loving herself? That's a yes from me 👏🏼

Thanks for reading, lovelies! Don't forget to vote, comment, etc!! <3