Song for the chapter: Before You Go, by Lewis Capaldi | I Don't Wanna Live Forever, by Taylor Swift and Zayn

Ryker POV

I was pacing like a madman, which I seemed to be doing a lot of today. I was so damn nervous and everything went to shit.

Why couldn't Maddison catch a break?

And to make it worse, I had to open my big fucking mouth and say those damned three words that shifted the atmosphere between us. I had it eating at the back of my mind, ever since it first popped up in it. I just couldn't help all the love I had for her in my damn heart.

She was literally everything to me. My soul belonged to her, and I wanted to spend every waking moment with her knowing it—with the whole world knowing it. She's mine just as much as I am hers. And being committed to her, an equal partnership, where I get to show her that? To express to her how much I loved her and admired her? That I get to come home to her every damn day, make love to her, and fall asleep to the steadiness of her breathing?

Fuck yeah, I'll take it.

But I've never seen Maddison with the look that she had today. When I found her at her grandparents house, she looked worn out. But today? It was a completely other look that pinched my heart. The way she ran to Joey, clung to her like her lifeline...and I couldn't do shit. I've never felt more useless.

Where the hell was Tamika, anyway? It'd been like twenty minutes since she went to get Maddison. I sigh and sit on a bench, putting my chin in my hands. I needed to make sure she was okay. With the way that stupid prick was shoving her around, I was sure she'd be bruised.

I wanted to knock the dicks teeth out, but what good would that have done Maddison? God, I needed her. I needed her so much.

I push my hand through my hair in frustration. Where the fuck is Tamika with my girlfriend?

I pull out my phone, opening my contacts. In the middle of scrolling through to get to Maddison, I see her message notification pop up at the top of my screen. I quickly click on it, my phone bringing me to our series of messages together.

This, I quickly realize, is out of the ordinary. Maddison has never once sent me an audio message. She didn't like to talk on the phone much, or even text. She was a talk in person kind of girl. So this? This was alarming.

My palms were sweating as I sat here, over analyzing this. I gulp and walk outside, so I can hear it without any nosy bystanders.

"Ryker," I instantly hear how stuffy she is and her sigh—she's been crying and my heart squeezes. "I'm a coward. I can admit that, out loud, behind this stupid phone because I know I don't have to see your face when you hear this. Even though, I can picture it and it still hurts just as bad."

I hear her chocked sigh and I clench my fist together. What the hell is this?

"I'm leaving. Not you, in specific. But in general. This town, this place. It's-it's too much, Ryker. I can't-I can't stay here. Not right now. And I couldn't face you because I knew if I looked at you, if I saw your beautifully stormy hazel eyes, I'd give in and stay. But I physically can't Ryker. And I hope you can understand that."

I hear her sniffle and all I wanted, so desperately, was so be there and comfort her. But...she didn't want that.

"Don't bother looking for me, because you won't find me. Not this time." Another sniffle. "But Ryker. I do love you. And that's not gonna change. But if it changes on your part..."

Her voice cracked and I heard her silent cry. Fuck me, why did she have to do this to me? The tears swell in my eyes as I envision her before me, her eyes bloodshot and cheeks stained with many, many tears.

"I understand. I don't expect you to wait for me. Hell, I wouldn't wait for me. So, I understand. But understand my need for some time...however long it may take. Okay?" Her inhale was choppy and I closed my eyes, trying to keep calm. "But just remember: you are mine, too."

And that was it. The recording stopped. I was shaking—from anger, from fear, from loss. I don't know from what the fuck. But I was and I couldn't stop it. I yelled out in frustration as I threw my phone with a surprising amount of force on the ground, it shattering completely beside me.

I stared at it, my breathing starting to become wheezing.

She left me. Maddison left me.

Fuck. Wh-what was I supposed to do now? How was I supposed to go on now? I-I-I needed her. I fucking needed her like I needed the air to breathe—which I couldn't even do properly right now.

Wheezing, I clutched my chest. This was happening way faster than normal. I couldn't breathe, like I actually couldn't catch my breath. I was feeling my lungs shrink smaller and smaller, making the oxygen almost impossible to breathe.

What the hell was this? I blink rapidly, trying to move towards my car for my inhaler...but my knees were wobbly. My legs gave out and I hit the pavement, heaving, trying to get air into my body.

Some random lady passing by looked over at me, clearly alarmed, and ran to my aid.

"Sir? Sir! Are you okay? Do you need help?"

I clutch my neck, knowing I had barely any air left to breathe. My throat was closing up. Was this really it? This was my fucking end?

"Hang on, sir. I'm gonna get help."

That was the last thing I remembered before I blacked out. Because I sure as hell don't remember being in a brightly lit room, and I don't exactly know how I got here.

"You stupid asshole." Kyler's voice made me look across the room at him. "You almost got yourself killed! Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Made any of us feel?"

I grin cheekily. "Sorry, brother. I didn't plan on almost dying."

"That's not funny, son. Don't joke like that."

My eyes drift over to my father's and guilt instantly floods my body. I felt like shit, complete and utter shit. I clench my jaw and look away.

I'm talked through the importance of walking around with an inhaler on me, blah blah blah. I already knew all of this. I just zoned it all out and wonder about Maddison. It's only been...who knows how long now. I missed her. Where was she? Why wasn't she here? Does she know I'm in here?

My parents offer to get me food, which I'm more than glad because I had no idea what to say to them. I sling my legs over the edge of the bed and Kyler eyes me.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I can't be confined to one spot. You know that."

"Ryker, for the love of—"

"Maddison's gone, Kyler. For real, this time." I snap. "I had a fucking episode, okay? I didn't mean to, but I couldn't help it. And if I don't get out of this damn room right the fuck now and walk and clear my head, I might have another one."

He doesn't question. His eyes held an understanding that makes my stomach churn. I stand, seeing my shoes beside the bed. I shove my feet through them and grab Kyler's jacket on that he handed to me. I walk through the halls, weaving through the sea of people.

I see people hugging, people waiting for news. I see people crying and leaving. I hated it here; I didn't want to be here. I just wanted to be with Maddison. And she didn't want me.

I was walking and walking until I found myself outside of the chapel. I stared at the closed doors, my fists clenching. I pushed through the doors, walking straight up to the altar thing. I hadn't been very religious before, not until Maddison. Her faith was always something that amazed me, drew me in.

But where was she now? Where were we?

"Where are you? Huh?" I look at the wooden cross before me. "You're supposed to be this Almighty being, but here I am, hurting." I scoff. "How can You be so good and let there be so much pain? How can You take the one good thing I had in my life away from me?"

I shake my head. "What have I done that was so bad, huh? Why can't I have her? Why do You hate me so much that as soon as I have her in my grasp, You take her away from me? Why do You like to torture the kindest souls who do nothing wrong? Like her? She doesn't deserve the heartache she has and look at her! And she still loves You! Why?"

I didn't mean to start yelling, but I had. My chest was heaving as someone placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Seems like you need to talk."

I look beside me. Some dude who looked like he was around my age with long brown hair and dark brown eyes was looking at me.

"No. I'm good."

He smirks. "Talk talk. A bigger picture talk. I'm a youth pastor. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you just barged in here and started yelling. Kinda sounds like the right place at the right time."

I gave him a curious look. He just shrugs.

"Names Uriah."

I narrow my eyes. "Ryker."

"Wanna tell me what the beef is with the Big Man is?"

I really didn't. But that didn't stop me from following him to a pillar and sitting beside him. And eventually, I told him everything—a literal stranger. I told him all about Maddison and everything that I had been feeling. And what we've been through. And now, being without her.

This has been a weekly thing for the past month. Uriah has, to my surprise, been a very nagging and understanding constant in my life. Ever since I met him in that chapel, I was very hesitant to open up to him. But there was just something about him that made me want to.

He didn't ever judge me or laugh at me. He just listened to me and tried to give me the best advice he could. Like, have faith. Give her time. We had an insane connection destined to be by God—which I had even said—so why did I question it? Everything he was saying was making sense, but whenever it was just me, I couldn't help but spiral.

It was already a month without her and I was dying to be beside her again. I missed her more than I knew was humanly possible. I craved her body, her soul, her mind. I missed the sound of her laughter and her infectious smile. I missed her.

She hasn't called, texted, or reached out. And she didn't for the following month, either. I couldn't possibly imagine where she could be. Because even though she said I couldn't find her, by the second month, I was desperate. I needed her. I fucking needed her.

I don't understand how she could claim to love me and not even bother to let me know if she was alive or not. I couldn't bare this pain of not knowing where she was. Nobody had heard from her or seen her since that day.

She literally just vanished and she took my will to live that day.

I felt like a hollow shell; I felt like I couldn't properly function anymore. Uriah was trying to get me to talk to me and get me to open up about her, but I couldn't. Talking about her hurt. Thinking about her hurt. Being without her hurt. I was hurting without her. I felt fucking broken.

The third month...the third month was the worst. It was the month that I had Kyler and Uriah and Ben and everyone trying to get me to open my door, to come out, to talk, but I couldn't. I wasn't eating much, I was barely sleeping. I kept seeing ghosts of Maddison walking around the house, lying on my bed, sitting on the couch waiting for me.

I couldn't stay here. And as fucking insane as it sounds, I ran to her apartment. I hadn't been here since the morning we left for the trial. So when I saw everything shattered beneath me, I felt what was left of my heart break.

Maddison was struggling, just as much as I was. She was hurting, maybe even more than I was. She was dealing with so much more than I ever could imagine and she just...snapped. She couldn't take it anymore. And she did what she was so used to doing, and she ran.

I felt tears stream down my cheek as I picked up the mess that I had found, the mess that my Maddison had to face on her own. I clean everything up and see her phone on the counter. My heart falls even further as I grab it.

She didn't even want to have a connection to me.

I take her phone with me to her bed and fall on it, the exhaustion consuming my body. Her pillow smelled like her and if I closed my eyes, I swear I could feel her beside me.

"I love you, Ryker. You're mine, too."

The words jolted me awake. I close my eyes and breathe deep. She was haunting me, but I don't care. I'd take anything at this point.

And this was what was able to get me through the next month. Being in her place, surrounded by all of her stuff and all of her, it was soothing to my soul. I was boxing on a regular basis, venting all the pent-up anger I had inside. I was working on cars more and more, keeping all my time occupied and exhausting me so that when I went home, I'd be tired enough to fall right asleep.

Four months without her and I was missing her more than ever. My physical soul longed for hers. I ached to touch her, caress her skin. I missed her so much and I couldn't stand the unknown of where she was and what she was doing.

But time—she asked to give her time and I'll be damned if I'll give up on her. After I finally got my new phone, I listened to her message probably a thousand times. It was the only way I could get by, hearing her voice, even if it was tragically broken.

If time was what she needed, then so fucking be it. It took me four months to realize that it's not about me; Maddison lost the custody battle she was getting ready for, for a long time. Everything she ever knew, she was ever getting ready for was leading up to that moment. She had convinced herself that she was going to win and it was going to be easy.

Can you imagine that loss? The heartache? Maddison must've felt crushed, and she reacted in the one way she knew how—running to deal with her emotions. She never left without telling me, and this time she did. She willingly told me that she loved me and that wasn't changing, she just needed time. So to hell with whatever anyone else thought. I'd be waiting, right here, for her to mend her heart and come back to me.

She's my other half, and I won't give up on her.

On the five month mark, I got another tattoo. Uriah was kinda iffy on the idea, being the man of faith he is. But Kyler was there to support me.  In script, I got 'she is mine' written across one of my lower left ribs. It only felt right, since I was always saying she was, and she is.

When I told Uriah the story behind that statement, he was ecstatic. He loved that Maddison was a believer and that through her, she spiked an interest in me. And he promised he wasn't giving up on me with it, either. I admired his perseverance.

Five months. Five fucking months. I couldn't believe that it's been so long. It's a couple weeks into it, but fuck. I was lying in bed—Maddison's bed—missing her.

I wonder if she thought of me often, the way I thought of her. Because she consumed my mind...do I consume hers? Does she think about the times we've shared? Our most intimate moments? The times she was so shy, but so fucking beautiful? God, I missed her. I loved her and I missed her. I just wished for her body next to mine.

I turn to the side, closing my eyes. I see her lying beside me, smiling at me in that cute way she always did. Her hand lifting and pushing through my hair, touching her lips against mine softly.

All of the soft, tender moments I took for granted. Even the ones at the beginning, when she would glare at me and yell at me. I took them all for granted. Fuck, I'd do anything for her to be here and yelling at me right now. Anything.

My mind drifted to the first time I dared to touch her, against my bedroom wall. Her dressed in my clothes, freshly showered and smelled like me. Fuck she was beautiful. I couldn't stop myself. I needed to touch her. Everything about her was vulnerable but perfect. She was perfect. Even her flaws were perfect and I missed all of her.

I feel myself drift off, actual sleep never coming. I was in a restless daze of seeing images of Maddison flash through my mind, over and over. It's been...five months since I'd had proper sleep.

Sleep, at this point, was a joke.

When the sun started to shine through the darkness, I'd gotten up from the bed. I changed into some jeans and a black shirt and made my way to my place. I didn't mind the workload, since it gave me something to do. And since I barely slept anyway, I started as early as I could.

I worked on three different cars today, not talking to anyone who tried to make small talk. When the last guy left, I immediately pulled off my shirt and went out back. Kyler called, reminding me of our family dinner this weekend.

For the past month, I've been trying to work out this shit situation with my family. I know they're worried about me and being angry at them on top of missing Maddison was sucking the little bit of energy I had. So I was trying; I wanted to try to forgive my mom for lying and I wanted to try and apologize to my dad for all the shit I did to him.

It wasn't easy, but I could almost hear Maddison say how proud she was of me.

Once I hung up with Kyler, I did my hour-long boxing therapy. I was sweaty, panting, and tired. But fuck, I never know how much I need it until I'm punching the shit out of it...which was all the time, lately, it seemed.

I wipe my face with my towel before I pull my shirt back on. I climb into my car and head back for Maddison's place. It was almost nine now, and I don't think I've eaten.

"Don't be an idiot," I can hear Maddison's playful, scolding voice in the back of my head.

I think I need serious help.

I shake my head and pull into a drive-thru. I order a burger, but I can literally only manage to eat half of the fries before I feel sick. I heave a sigh and drive the rest of the way to Maddison's apartment. I park in my spot towards the back and kill the ignition.

I grab my stuff and walk towards the building. I shove my key in the hole, opening the main door and walked down the hall until I got to her door. I unlocked it and walked in, shutting it behind me. I tossed my stuff on the counter and walked towards the bedroom, heading for the bathroom when I pause.

The bathroom lights already on.

Everything goes into overdrive as I find something to try and whack whoever's in here with, which just happens to be the bat Maddison kept in her closet. I crept towards the door, took a deep breath in, and used the bat to push open the door.

But my mind must've been playing tricks on me. Because there's no way it could've been her—standing there, armed with a candle, of all things—looking the most radiant than I've ever seen.

The lack of sleep was getting to me.

But when she opened her mouth, I knew it wasn't. Because hearing her voice for the first time in so long, that wasn't a hallucination, was almost ethereal.

"Ryker."

A/N

I—well 🥲

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