Song for the chapter: Control, by Zoe Wees

*A/N: this chapter may contain potential triggers. Please read with caution*

"Well, Maddison? Are you ready?"

I look at Fauna, my therapist. Her light brown hair was pulled up into a neat bun and her face was covered in makeup. Her eyes were a sharp green color that were kind of intimating at first, but I grew to adore them.

Great Falls was somewhere I never thought I'd set foot again. My mom took me and Joey here when we were super young on vacation. We ventured and explored through so much of the scenery here—Black Eagle Falls, the Great Falls Dam, and even the Giant Springs State Park. Everything was so lively and beautiful, and it remained that way, still.

The scenery was just as beautiful as I had remembered, even more so now. The Mississippi River provided so much so do and explore out here, and I couldn't get enough of it.

That was, when I could get out.

The first three months I spent when I got here, I spent in complete and total agony. My heart was a mess and I was utterly broken. My mom, her grandparents were buried here. So she wanted to be with them, as did her parents. She, unfortunately, met her time before they did. So she was here with her grandparents.

The whole reason I came here was to be close to her and feel a connection with her. But all I felt was the constant heartbreak—for Joey and for Ryker. I missed them both so much, I instantly regretted coming here. I regretted filing a stupid motion for fighting for custody, I regretted everything.

It came to the point that I regretted even waking up in the morning. Each passing day, for the first month and a half, I hated myself. I hated myself for putting Joey in a position that jeopardized her safety. I hated myself for leaving Ryker, because I knew he would eventually hate me for the cowardly way I left. I hated myself for being such a burden on my father, and never being enough for him to come back to reality to.

And that's how I found myself on top of the Great Falls Dam. I casually went for a stroll, needing to make the voices in my head just be quiet. And that's when I heard my saving grace.

"You're not planning on jumping, are ya? Cause you kinda look like it."

I turn to see a guy with dark skin, brown eyes and defined cheekbones smiling at me. I raise a brow.

"What's it to you?"

"Could be everything. What if I had the ability to change your mind?" He crosses his arms. "I couldn't just let that go to waste."

I roll my eyes. "I'm not gonna jump."

"Maybe not now. Were you thinking about it?"

"Why would I even tell you? I don't know you."

He extends his arm. "I'm Owen. Now we're acquainted."

Little did I know that Owen was literally sent there to save my life. Because if he hadn't...I don't even wanna think about it. The next month, Owen kept harassing me to tell him my story, and I didn't want to. I was missing Ryker and Joey like crazy.

I was wondering what Ryker was up to. Did he miss me? Has he moved on? Oh, God. The thought hurt worse than anything else. I had to run to the bathroom to empty what little I had in my stomach.

Because I didn't have a phone yet and Owen took me to where I was staying, he was dropping by on an almost daily basis to check on me and make sure I was okay. And one day, when he caught me crying, I eventually told him everything.

I spared no detail—from my mom dying, to my dad being a drunk, to Ryker and I's messy relationship, to the trial up to now. I felt like I was talking for an eternity, which I most likely was. But he listened understandingly.

"My girlfriend, she's a therapist." He approached carefully. "I think what you need is real help, Maddi."

I didn't believe it to be true. And for two weeks, I was angry at him for suggesting that to me. I didn't need a shrink, I wasn't crazy. Why the hell would he even suggest that?

I didn't come out of this stupid room for two weeks, like it was some kind of punishment for him. When all it did was hurt me. Because I went stir crazy and I barely ate. I felt weak, I felt lost. All I wanted was Ryker.

If he was here, at least he'd be holding me and telling me it would be okay. I freaking missed him and I needed him right now. I made a huge mistake. I should just get a ride back and—

"Don't you dare." Ryker's voice literally made me jump two feet in the air.

He was leaning against the door frame, staring at me. Was this real? Did he manage to find me?

"Ryker." My voice broke as I took a step towards him.

"You came for a reason, Maddison." His words stopped me in my tracks. "You come back to me now, you'll end up leaving again and breaking both our hearts. Is that what you want?"

My bottom lip trembles. "No."

"Then get the fuck out of this room and start what you came for. I'm fucking waiting."

And then, he vanished. I blinked rapidly, looking all around me. What the hell was that? Oh my gosh, maybe I am crazy.

The next day, I found Owen waiting outside on the ledge. It made my heart swell, knowing he was waiting for me to come around. I apologized for overreacting, and begged him to let me see his girlfriend.

The following week, I was sitting in front of Fauna. And I've been seeing her since.

"Define ready." I shrug.

"You've made tremendous progress. Ever since you've walked through that door, I've seen you battle demon after demon. So, you tell me: are you ready?"

I clutch the paper between my hands. "I think so."

She smiles at me. "Then, why are you still here?"

"I'm a little nervous." I sigh.

"This isn't about your final task I've given you. This is about going home, isn't it?"

I let go of a shaky breath. "Fauna, what if he's moved on? I try not to think about it and to have faith in him. But the possibility is very real. I'm scared."

"Maddison, you've defined this connection between you two as fate, have you not? Destined by God?"

"Yeah."

"So why are you questioning it?"

I twist my lips. "I'm scared he won't forgive me for leaving."

Fauna gives me a soft smile. "Honey. He can't be mad at you for getting the help you so desperately needed. You've made the most tremendous recovery I've seen, yet. You've conquered your fear of driving, you've let go of your anger for your father. You're slowly overcoming your self-loathing. I mean, your body looks so much better than when I first saw you. If he can't see your need for leaving, then that's on him."

I frown, but nod anyway. I don't wanna think about Ryker not forgiving me. I can't stomach the idea.

I rise to my feet, instead. "Thanks, Fauna."

She smiles. "You know if you ever need me, I'm just a phone call away."

I smile, giving her a tight squeeze. I walk out of her office and see Owen waiting for me in the lobby.

"I'm gonna miss you around here." He smiles as he gives me a tight hug.

I laugh. "You're always welcome in Bozeman. I'd love to see you guys."

He pulls back. "I might just have to take you up on that."

I make sure to get his number on a piece of paper, since I haven't gotten a new phone yet, and slip it in my pocket. I give him a final goodbye and head out of the double doors. I unlock the rental I bought for the day and climb in.

Remember, Maddison. Breathe in, then out.

I slip the key in the ignition and buckle my seatbelt. I take off towards the state park, needing to finish this last thing before heading home. As a kid, we'd picnic under this tree. It was huge and beautiful and mom and Joey and I shared so many laughs and good times here. I knew it was where I needed to do this.

When I pulled into the parking lot and slowly walked, finding my way to the tree, I smile at it. I kneel, my jeans rising up a bit. I sigh and look up at the sun shining through the leaves. It was cold, but the sun was warm.

"Mom," I shake my head. "I know that you're not in some casket in the ground, but waiting patiently until the time comes for us to be reunited in Christ. So I thought this was the best place for this." I smile. "I miss you so much, mom. And I didn't realize that I needed to forgive you for leaving me."

I felt hot tears brim. "I didn't even know I was mad at you for it. How can you be mad at someone for dying when they didn't even mean to, you know? It's so selfish of me and I'm so sorry." I wipe my face. "But I got so angry after Joey was taken away from me and when I lost dad and I was left on my own...I just didn't know that I was angry at the root of it. And that was at you."

I clear my throat. "You were a good mom. And you don't deserve my anger. I'm a big girl and I took care of myself for a long time, mom. Until," I smile. "Until I didn't have to anymore. Until my literal other half came along and showed me that it was okay to let someone in and that it was okay to be taken care of." I look down. "I really think you would've liked him, mom. He's the best guy out there. And I love him with my entire being. If I ever lost him," I shudder.

"Never mind that." I smile. "He's literally perfect. He brings out a side in me I never knew was possible. I wish, more than anything, that you were here to see that—see us together." I press my fingers to my lips softly. "I'm so sorry that I've held onto this unknown anger towards you for leaving me. It wasn't your fault, mom. I was a kid still, in my head, and I was thrown into this harsh reality of adulthood before I was ready. I hate that you're not here, mom."

I wrap my arms around my body and shiver. Gosh, I miss Ryker so much.

"But I know that you're not suffering. And I know that you lived a life full of love and laughter, and that's how you wanted to live. So, mom," I inhale shakily. "I...forgive you for leaving me too soon. You'll always be with me, right in my heart, mom. I can't live without your constant reminders and everything you've taught me. So, thank you for being the greatest mom while you were one."

I let the tears fall as I unfold the paper. It wasn't my apology, since I didn't want it written. I had just simply written my mothers name, in remembrance of her, and place it, weighted down by a rock on the base of the tree. I stand up and wipe my face.

"I love you, always, mom."

As I walk away, I can feel the weight lifted off my shoulders, my chest, my soul. Yeah, I was angry at my dad and everything else that had been happening to me since she died, but I had no idea that I was actually angry at the fact that my mom had even died in the first place.

And as selfish as that sounded, it made sense at the same time.

I climb in to the rental and shakily type in Ryker's address to the built-in GPS. It was a bit of a drive, but I don't mind. Five and a half months. I was ready enough.

The more time passed, the more I came to really appreciate Ryker and everything he's done for me. He was there for me when I had nobody, believed in me and loved me when I didn't even love myself. And as much as I felt like I loved him, I couldn't fully appreciate or love him until I knew how to love myself.

And now that I knew that I had it in me to do so, that I was working towards it every day...I saw Ryker in a whole new light.

Ryker was, indeed, my other half. He was everything I could've wished for in a man, and then some. He took one look at me and thought I was beautiful. He saw my scars, my trials and my ugly and he loved them to beauty. He grabbed me from the darkest pit that I was in and yanked me back into the living world.

Ryker made me feel and love and want again. I was so scared of letting people see that in me, but he saw it all and he didn't run. He willingly chose to stand beside me. And I'd choose him a million times, if he'd let me.

I had wanted to reach out to Ryker so much, but I knew that I had to realize just how much I loved him and needed him in my life, first. I needed to love myself, heal my heart and then appreciate the man who owned my heart.

And, God, I was lucky. I was so lucky to have him. I loved him so much, my heart ached. My heart was literally squeezing in my chest right now just thinking about him. I needed him to know how much I missed him and how I worked on myself, not only for me, but for us.

Nearing Bozeman, I felt my nerves spike up. It was dark, but he had to be at home. Right?

But what if he wasn't? Oh, crap. I hadn't thought this through. What if he got a job? Or even moved? What if he has a new girlfriend? I shake my head, not being able to think about it. If he did...I can only blame myself.

Familiarity flooded through me as I drove through the square. I smile as I passed by our bench, heading towards Ryker's house. I killed the GPS and gripped the steering wheel tighter. What if this was a huge mistake? What if he's so mad at me and doesn't even wanna see me?

Pulling up to Ryker's house, I don't see any lights on. Ryker's garage is closed, which he usually has open all the time. I look around the yard for any sign of him, but he's not here. I know it, but I open the door and step out to knock anyway.

"Maddi? That you?" Pauline smiles at me.

"Oh, hi Mrs. Pauline."

"Well, it's been ages, darling. I don't see you much anymore."

"I'm sorry, I've been so busy." I shake my head.

"If you're looking for Ryker, you just missed him. He left a few minutes back."

My stomach drops. "Oh. Right, of course. I knew that, just forgot. Um, thanks Mrs. Pauline."

I hastily climb back in the rental and drive away. Ryker left? For the night? Where was he going? To a fight? To Ben's? Or...to a girlfriend?

I slap my hand on the steering wheel. I knew I shouldn't be mad, but I was. I didn't know what to expect and just thinking of the possibility that Ryker found happiness with someone else after everything he said to me hurt.

No. No. I'm not the same person. I have faith and fully trust Ryker. I know him. We have an epic connection that can't just be replaced. He's mine. And I'm his.

I sigh, just deciding to go to my apartment. Minus well, until I figure out what to do. I need to figure out everything, but tomorrow. I'm exhausted, the drive killed me.

I park in an empty space close to the front when I arrive, unlocking the door. I walk down the foreign hall and slip my key in, unlocking it. I step foot inside, not bothering to look around. I was too afraid to remember the mess I made and I needed a shower so I could climb into bed.

Muscle memory kicked in as I walked through the hall and to my room. But I found the bed oddly messy. I raise a brow as I see clothes scattered around. Did I leave this mess?

I mean, I know I trashed it beforehand. But I didn't come in to this room, did I? When I hear a door slam, I jump. I quickly shut off the light and run into the bathroom. I turn on the light and frantically search around for something to use against an intruder.

As I grab a candle, I notice an odd amount of stuff thrown on the counter. That's definitely not mine. What the hell is this?

When I hear the heavy footsteps, my attention snaps back towards the door. I step behind the sink, holding up the candle. The door handle moves down slowly before being creaked open.

But Ryker being on the opposite side of the door was not what I was expecting—not in the slightest bit. My heart hammered in my chest at the sight of him, even as disheveled as he looked.

His eyes were wide, almost like he wasn't believing what he was seeing. He was slightly, almost microscopically, shaking his head, like he was trying to rid the sight before him. So I finally took a small breath.

"Ryker."

A/N

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