i write high school drunk on drug
with my consciousness ebbed 
emotions mostly jagged 
and my legs are covered in hair, 
unshaven 
i wear skirts and shorts 
and walk around 
with hair on legs for all to see
and the world shuns me
and no one wants to befriend me 
permutations and combinations
of conforming 
of how to be and not to be
and that's what they teach me 
in mathematics
integration to make whole
differentiation to reduce to parts
and pick them on
my anxieties, insecurities, 
fears eat it all in glee 
and i still walk around with 
garden of hair 
fertilized by not bathing habits 
and in chemistry class 
i revise periodic table 
an organized array of 
all the chemical elements 
in order of increasing 
atomic numbers 
but i have lost most 
of my protons 
i am made of helium 
and hydrogen
i try to have conversation 
in my head with you 
and i talk to you with 
my hands tied and mind 
with a crack 
filled with disconnected 
neurons and tired synapses 
the force of conversation
not reducing with
distance 
disproving the Coulomb's law
as i, the unwilling draw 
a life with no purpose 
no direction only indifference
physics doesn't really get me 
so i turn to commerce
accountancy and business studies 
not interested, tripping on weeds 
steering clear of my friends 
and my violent memories
innocently pierce through me 
and i stand here,
here in this distorted world 
living in a paradise 
where nothing is recoverable
and trapped inside a home 
of truth that seems so bleak 
i write high school with you
in my head who is
completely blind to life
then i turn nineteen 
and tides change 
the garden stays but 
hides behind fabrics
fertilized by bathing habits 
and mind awaits sun rising.