I dunno what to call this or how to start this but I mean what else is new

Before I do start, however, here's a list [snagged from a friend] go ahead n comment a number n one of my OCs if you don't mind! I'll just reply to your comment. For quick reference: Cody, Rita, Tabby, Carter, Bailey, Simon, and Pixie are my main ones

it may not be art but at least it's not just a slog of text yknow? <3

Here's that ramble I said I'd make!! It's not art but it is important, skim the end for my plans for posting once school starts again

I spend a lot of my time regretting how bratty I was as a kid these days, unfortunately, and a coward too!! I mean still am but self awareness is a thing so I'm working on it at least

As I began to realize how petty I was acting, I started to notice the achievements I could, or should, have been making. Child prodigies and the like. Five year old amputees ending world hunger and writing three novels and a symphony or whatever. When the stories were closer to home in terms of capability yet still out of reach, I was made uncomfortably aware of how much I wasn't doing. If you want to be good special, you have to do good things and not care if anyone sees, because the kids you see in the news are the portion who are seen, wow that was fake deep but you get what I mean

Why is that important? ,, admittedly it was a bit weird to preface with but basically I decided I wanted to try and push myself no matter what

Have I been doing a great job of that?

hkdhdjPFHDKPFFFFDDDSSTTSTSTNOOOOO but im TRYING and again, def better than I used to be!! Less self centered too!! But it's a v low bar

What does this have to do with art?

For just under a year now, I've been planning to make a comic. I made the story in eighth grade and I've continued shaping it into something I can enjoy. As you may know, I have mentioned that if all went well, I would be releasing it fall of 2019

This is prolly obvious but,, yea, that's not happening, which is not something I decided until last week,, and I can't remember the last time I've felt this happy

Trying to do this was never going to work!! @ past me WHAT!!

Before I sound like a complete and total quitter hear me out –

IB junior year makes the smartest of any class drop out or cry daily. It's the year I'm going into. Yaaaaaaaay. It's awful, it's unbearable, it makes you want to die, I hear it every fuckin day, can't wait for this hellhole I signed myself up for,, and I was going to try and make comic pages throughout it all

Bitch?? I'm barely going to have time to draw??

So,, I've postponed the comic to at least a year from now, since senior year seems much more realistic. That's assuming I ever make it. Maybe I'll get a better idea, maybe I'll try to write it. Maybe I'll just wait longer. For now, I need to evaluate the situation. And I mean, could I make it this year? Yes, but I'm not exaggerating when I say I most likely wouldn't have time to sleep or see my friends outside of school

It's funny. I can tell I've known this was never going to work for a long time. I've been so determined to not quit, to impress, to avoid pulling a one song glory, that I tried to just suppress it, and god, it made me so damn stressed all the time. Because that's why I put that piece at the beginning! I saw this community of young artists saying 'well,, I'd do a comic but I know I don't have that kind of motivation rn' and I went 'I can one up this kind of talent? Hell fucking yea' because as we've established I am Petty

Then I realize they're faster and better at drawing/writing and have a much easier school curriculum and oh god what am I doing but I decide to tackle it like I so gracefully tackle way too many things: w/ blunt force that I'm not capable of given my weakness

'I can be remarkable. It's pathetic I'm not running a charity organization right now, so the absolute least I can do is make a comic regardless of the difficult situation and my lack of stamina'

I turned this into some dramatic thing!! I'm cryin why do I still act this way,, but I'm done. When I finally decided to do this, it wasn't any spectacular moment, I had just had a fun day and read a book I really liked, a feeling I wanted to keep. And the moment I made this decision, it hit me. Even if it's harder to know what to make when you're just drawing whatever every day, it's so, so much more freeing when you're low on time. Before this I would see my friends' profiles and think 'awww,, I won't have the freedom to make whatever like that once it's august' and that's STUPID

Why?? Am I cursed with so much dumb bitch energy

The last thing I should still do is talk about this with my sister, provided I can work up the courage. She's the one who made the connection with one song glory ['except you're not emo about it, unlike -my brother in law- who always wanted to write a song in high school but kept being angsty about it'] and it's so correct yet this is starting to feel less like it now that I'm not making such a big deal of it? But she was proud of me for taking this on. She's so ambitious, she could do this sort of thing tripled at age ten. I wish I was more like her in that way. I'm the Disappointment wOAH enough Pearl

Anyway!! I don't have details on this note but I figured I should include it still: there's no way I'll be able to post daily once next year starts. Again, barely time to sleep, much less draw, much less draw that much. I'd like to try and make a posting schedule if I can!! Like,, twice a week, maybe three times. Three sounds better if I can make it work

Thanks so much for your support, always. I really do hope this isn't quitting. I don't want to feel this way, I'm miserable enough just existing, yknow? I want to be able to have moments where I'm not the big sad all the time