Okay. Okayoko kay I've been on a veritably high fence on whether or not to make this but Cavy made a super open post about her sexuality/gender recently and I'm gon jus,, go for it. Plus, it's pride month, so why not post about sexuality?

We all been knew that I'm extremely confused n questioning as far as sexuality. I'm about to tell the whole story as far back as I can remember

[warning: this is rlly long holy shit I don't mean to scare anyone away from reading it but this is the epitome of oversharing, if you do read it thank you so, so much, sorry it's not art btw]

I started listing my sexuality as Not Straight on my profile ever since,, at least as far back as March 2018 but I'm p sure it was quite a bit longer?? I'm forgetting. Prolly more like 2017. Granted, I would call it things like 'heteroflexible' and 'bicurious', eventually I just stopped including it/said I was a straight ally/said I wasn't sure

These past few months, I've been questioning more than ever before. Mainly because of a,, certain person,, but I'll get to that

Here's something very emblematic of why I worry I'm just lying to myself: once upon a time I had a conversation w/ my mom, bless her for being so supportive of lgbt by the way. I'm not sure how it came up but I was all 'mm yea it's crazy bein a teenager cause you never know, like I think I'm straight but I could always turn out to be like,, bi or somethin' and my mom replied w/ 'oh no honey you're not, I can tell'

yES that's a little stereotypical but it holds some truth. Lots of parents are aware in some way that their kids are lgbt before the kids are. It's not a personality trait, though, which is why I don't entirely trust my mom on that bit [shes still an amazing ally but she did tell me some heteronormative things about there being masc and fem sides to every relationship]

What that is representative of, however, is the fact that I don't think I ever had any 'girl crushes' or whatever growing up. Not on my friends, not on jessica rabbit, no celebrities or normal people

But then,, we come across another problem

I'm pretty sure I never had ANY crushes growing up

I'm not sure of any crushes I've ever had, actually. It all becomes a debate of 'is this a romantic crush or do I just want to be them/want to be friends with them/admire them heavily/want to be with someone'. I have no idea how to understand feelings. I've never had those moments everyone talks about, not person who makes my heart soar. I get plenty awkward around people, especially attractive ones, but every time I go back to 'you don't like her, you're not attracted to her, you just want to be as pretty as her'. Which is probably true. Being insecure about myself is not helping this process

Possible crushes on guys? A literal anime character [I used to rant about him on here so much lmaoo,, he was def not who you'd expect tho] small one on a let's player, a little bit on a guy I worked with on a physics project freshman year and haven't talked with since even tho he's in my classes, uhhhsh I used to think I liked this guy in seventh grade but I think I just wanted a guy friend

Possible crushes on girls? Oh,, oh man okay,, there's two possible ones within the last year, also there was this girl on my bus this past year and she was SO FUCKING GORGEOUS a literal angel!!!!! But that might just be admiration, I know I wish I was that pretty

[it's worth noting that I've never had a crush on a friend. Male or female. I,, don't know why, it makes me feel broken]

Freshman year, physics. We don't change seats the whole year and were seated by last names. A girl with half her head shaved sits next to me. She's an artist and I'm in awe, she's probably weirded out by my love for her little doodles on our worksheets. I work with her for 2/3 of the big projects that year because she doesn't have many friends in that class and I have pretty much no friends at all [well, no close ones yet] I'm awkward around her quite a bit, especially when she comes over to my house to work on them, and I'm OBSESSED with her art

Last year, English. The girl has grown out her hair so it's long on both sides and the poor thing has to sit next to me again. Thankfully I'm a lot less awkward about her drawings yet I still can't talk to her well. I mostly just sit there quietly while she and the others girls I'm next to chat about how awful the class is

Fall break. A weird thing happens. I get super into Miraculous again [I love that show no matter what but my obsession comes n goes] and decide to revamp my old Miracusona for the fun of it. Realizing she used to have an insert of that anime guy I liked as a love interest/partner, I decide to give her a new one. This one's a girl. Pearl at the time did not question that [ha]

She was originally going to have pale skin and strawberry blonde hair but then I realize I've seen a character around with her same animal [snow leopard, mine was a lioness] and looks so I keep her short hairstyle and reserved, secretly easily flustered and v hot personality but change the hair and skin colors to dark brown and olive

I've never posted these but I actually have some old art from around that time. It's v light because I never planned on sharing these sketches, here you go:

Well oof. That's the girl I've sat next to but with short hair

I go with it anyway and think about her and Pearl's adventures the whole time we're on break, and a while after, which gets awkward when I,, y'know,, sit next to her

I like her attitude, she's this rebel, sits in the back of the class n draws creepy shit and doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Am I jealous? Was I jealous? Who knows, man. I like being a goody two shoes. Her hair was gorgeous before and after she grew it out and I like being taller than her by quite a bit, even though she intimidates me

Random other detail from freshman year. I had this weird thing where I associated her with LesbianismTM?? But then,, I don't remember the details but at some point last year the other girls were talking about how weirded out they would be if they had gay friends or whatever and I'm not sure why but that's when I realized she was straight, she didn't even add anything I just knew I'd been delusional

God I'm so happy I don't have these feelings anymore bc it felt so weird the whole time, especially since that's when they started to go away

Fun fact: I think you guys predicted this possible very tiny lowkey probably platonic crush mm,, there's a post in my old art book from the beginning of last year where I had some Miraculous schoodles and I mentioned how the girl had noticed/complimented the one of Ladybug and I'd just about died of awkwardness as I struggled to thank her. I remember getting at least one comment that was something along the lines of 'o gay? Lol me too' and my brain went 'fffhHhdhHRJDJDJJD???????'

That's the thing!! I am,, gestures wildly,,,, anxious, awkward, shy, introverted, antisocial, qUiRkY, reLAtEAblE, okay enough of that but the package deal. I have no idea if me being awkward around a certain person means anything because I am legitimately awkward around every. Single. Person

On the topic of people saying things that have stuck in my brain for quite a while, let's bring up my friend who may or may not think I'm gay

Back at the beginning of the past school year again, I went to the first football game with some friends bc why not and towards the end we were talking about guys or whatever, a couple of them kept bein all 'oh my goood look at him he's so hot, oo he is too' and bc I get drunk off of being around other people in a social setting for two minutes [hello yes I'm twelve years old] my filter had disappeared and I was all 'lmaoooo I literally never notice things like that, I wonder why I'm not like you guys, how come I don't look at a guy n go will Smith voice ohhh that's hot, that's hot' and the girl who suspects me prolly says,
And I quote exactly,
'Maybe you're a lesbian'

yyyea maybe that's nothing to someone else but I hope I brushed it off well cause my little questioning heart went an I oOP

You think it's over?? nOPE

Second semester this time, we're in history class and a couple of my friends are making a little elimination game chart on a sheet of paper bc they're superficial n boy crazy like that ig [I love them dw they're Good] and they're down to the last two, they're evenly divided even once they ask the rest of the table

They ask me n I'm all like uhhhh cause my brain does NOT know how to rate guys, like both of them look nice?? I dunno? One of them is the one I thought was p cute freshman year, I'm all 'lol nah you know me I'm not boy crazy'

Okay maybe I shouldn't have brought up this story bc the relevant moment is so small but I SWEAR the girl who's suspicious of me goes 'yea Pearl doesn't like guys' I don't think the others heard cause they were talking at once but YEESH

I made my choice rIGHT then and it doesn't help that the others didn't rlly agree [I chose the guy I'd kinda liked before]

But my 'feelings' for a girl that totally didn't exist because I probably just rlly, rlly idolized her art and wanted to be her friend nothing more kinda went away, right? I'm embarrassed to admit they overlapped slightly with,, the other one

Oh man

Oh man the other one okay I can do this I stg I feel so guilty just talking about them

My saying 'girl' back there was incorrect, by the way, as I'm pretty sure they aren't one

Second semester of last year, right at the beginning. We switch seats every quarter in my algebra II class. I don't know many people in that class so I just hope for nice people, I've lucked out the last couple times. I'm put with a nice friend of a friend, a cool guy who doodles n wears nail polish, and,, them

I'd actually met them before, but damn, I didn't even recognize them at first,, because they'd cut their hair. I'm that oblivious vskdhd we had temporary seats the first week of the first semester and I was next to them. I thought they were nice

I'm not sure when I started developing,, whatever I felt for them. Feel? God. I don't know. It was pretty early into that semester, probably that week. I started to go 'wow they're like,, rlly cute'

That first day we 'remet',, well, les just say them being lgbt wasn't subtle. Their shirt was black with love written in rainbow letters. They had two very important pins on their lanyard. One was genderqueer, and I immediately felt bad for calling them she in my head. The other was bisexual. Something in me felt very happy upon seeing it, though I'm still figuring out why. Was it because it meant they were biologically capable of dating my gender? Was it because I relate? Was it because I just want to relate?

One of my biggest worries is that I only liked these two because I thought they had the capacity of being into girls, falsely on the first one. God that's so weird?? Of me???? Why would that make any sense?

I do know one thing though. Fate decided to behave extremely ironically throughout all this

Do you know?? What we were fuckin studying???? During that quarter?????? Limits. Both the closest that class gets to calculus and precisely what Cady answers during that one part of Mean girls, the limit does not exist. My math teacher fuckin referenced it in class

You guessed it, even before any of that happened, without my intending to, my brain started playing 'Stupid with Love' from the Mean Girls musical and every lyric began to fit my situation, with the exception of the male pronouns

I'm astounded and non plussed, I am FILLED with C A L C U L U ST

I started thinking,, woah. Imagine having a girlfriend. Imagine this person being my significant other. What if I'm rlly not straight. What if I'm not

So often, the phrase 'woah I think I might be bi' would enter my head, only to be countered by 'no you're fuckin not you're confused, you just want to be bi'

That's what I'm most scared of. What if I'm making this all up without realizing it?? What if these 'feelings' and 'crushes' are just manifestations of me WANTING to be bi?? I keep yelling at myself how disgusting that would be. Lgbt is not trendy, being a minority in that regard would NOT make you special, it's a serious thing that is inherently apart of you and cannot be changed. You're straight, dumbass, you just want to be bi, for uniqueness or pity points or more options or so you can draw yourself with a fuckin pride flag come June. All aesthetic. Not real. Not your community. Stop pretending

But what if it IS real god I hate questioning, I want to be bi for real so bad. I don't know if that's because I actually am or because I just wish I could be for all those gross stupid reasons or something in between

Mm,, where was I,, oo how about I talk about cute person some more [nickname I gave them while talking to Mike about them]

I feel guilty because if I was in fact attracted to them after all it was for some,, decidedly feminine reasons. Like boobs. Okay I'm sorry I know I sound creepy shjdhdh I like BOOBS but that may be me wishing I had bigger ones,, except theirs weren't bigger than mine I don't think? I never compared them, which is rare, yea okay I sound pathetic here moving on. They have braces and their smile is so, so beautiful, like it's the most adorable thing in the world this is illegal? They're a theater kid, heheh! They look amazing with short hair, especially since they ended up cutting it even shorter, and their voice,, holy shit their voice. It's angelic. A little nervous and unsure in the cutest way but mainly just sweet and kind and lovely and wow. I feel so bad bc my every conversation w/ them was so, so awkward on my end. Whenever they struggled w/ a problem I'd hope to god I'd paid attention enough to help out, even tho I'm p sure they're way smarter than me. Tbh what sucks is I couldn't look at them most of the time bc we were at tables instead of individual desks and I was always at a diagonal to them with the teacher the other way, so if I stared it would be rlly obvious

Okay yea I should prolly talk about That mhm so come February it's a couple days before valentine's day and,, they say how excited they are because they were planning something for their gf and they found out she was planning the same thing

Here's where I start to get rlly, rlly mad at myself for ever believing I liked girls because,, it doesn't shatter my world like it should. I can't date them. There's no way. They're already dating another girl. It should break my heart. But it doesn't. It doesn't feel great, rlly weird and wrong and ',,oh', but it's not earth shattering and it should have been

So I continue to sit next to them, obviously, admiring them like hell and wishing I could understand what I'm feeling or at least ask for their number

Then it's the next quarter and our seats change and they're across the room away from the door in my last period class, meaning there's no feasible way I'll be able to easily talk to them again. From my seat they're at my left when my teacher's in front so when I'm working I try to sneak looks without being caught staring,, even tho I'm pretty sure they saw me. Quite a few times. And the whole time I can't tell if I'm just trying to convince myself I want to look at them or I actually want to look at them or what. I drew them like a creep the second to last week of school, I'd include the doodles but I'm away from my notebook. God I'm sorry I sound so awful, this is so weird of me, why do I act this way I'm such a creepy bitch

And that's the thing. I'm not tryna make excuses I swear but my mental problems/personality make this extremely hard to figure out! My insecurities mean I can't tell when I just wish I was another person [although with cute person I liked a lot of things about them physically, ie short height/hair, braces, pale skin, that I wouldn't want for myself, not that that means anything] and my anxieties mean I can't trust myself. That sure was a thought I just had, but is it correct? Am I perceiving myself accurately? Whose opinion of me can I trust? Should I trust my own? What if I'm lying to myself? What? If? I'm? Lying?? To? Myself??????

Last day of school/finals. I've waited far too long. I work up all my courage with almost as much nervousness as I had for the actual final and, as I go to walk out the door, I lag behind until they walk up and VERY awkwardly mumble something along the lines of 'hey I hope to see you around next year, have a good summer' while clutching my folder to my chest like an idiot, and then I have to repeat the last part bc as we've established I cannot talk to people and I was too quiet as usual. Volume control? Don't know her. I failed my tv remote test. I'm that broken pair of headphones you hate

I'm happy I was able to say anything to them but also sad because here's the tea. We're both in IB but they're a soon to be sophomore and I'm gon be a junior. The last two years of IB are very specific to only the juniors and seniors they're intended for, meaning that I can no longer have an overlapping math class with them. Same for the rest of my schedule. I don't often see people/make friends outside of my classes, I'm a hermit like that. In other words, I doubt I'll see them again, at least not for a long time, much less talk to them

And there we go again with my sadness not being intense enough!! God!! My heart should be in pieces but it barely aches!! I don't understand!!!! Why am I this way????

Alright,, time for other bits and pieces,, oooo I should mention The Dream

This one was p recent, I actually vagued about it on here lmao. I was all 'oooo mm that sure was a dReam I had last night yea a' and I got some ppl rightfully asking 'wait what dream u walnut' and I didn't want to say

Basically I made out with a girl but wait it gets worse

All the context I can remember: I was w/ some unspecified ppl tryna get to a place or do something, I forget what it was, but we had to get through the house of/past this lady right. And she says something like 'oh you're not getting past me, I seduce anyone who tries to defeat me'

N then I like wALK UP TO HER LIKE HELL YES GAL SIGN ME UP??

Then we kissed and since I've never kissed anyone [yes I'm almost 16 go ahead and laugh it's stupid] it was prolly rlly unrealistic but wow do I wish it had continued. It felt,, right. I want to kiss girls. I've always wanted to kiss guys. See why I worry this is just a phase?

Besides, the dream is prolly me bein a bicurious fakeass bitch, not actually bi. I was rerereading dement09's famous Lapidot AU comic So Far bc I love it. Prolly just the art btw god it's so, so good, but like wow is it hot smh those kiss scenes

Other things,, okay this is going to sound stupid but hear me out. Bisexual stereotypes

Hey? Hey cavy?????? Remember,,,,,,,,,,,,,, eyeliner???????????? YEA THIS IS WHAT IT WAS ABOUT DHKDHDHD IM STRANGE OKAY

First of all, a couple years ago I rlly wanted to cut my hair to a little above my shoulders in a bob. That's why I ended up cutting it to around my armpit at the beginning of last school year [too scared to do more] and I've loved n kept it ever since. I also wanted to dye it w/ blue or pink streaks but don't we all [a small part of me still wants pink hair some day but I don't want it to get ruined bc it's blonde n delicate dhkdhdhd] but do you know what that dream haircut is?? It's the BISEXUAL HAIR CUT PEARL U ABSOLUTE E G G

But wait there's more

Sophomore year was when I committed to wearing eyeliner every day [here we go Cavy here we gO] specifically a very bold cat eye, which I still do. Almost never leave the house w/o it, except maybe on weekends lmao. Granted, I was bad at it back then and I've improved significantly but I digress. It's a big old cat eye every day. A statement I decided would be fun to make

I've also gotten super into circle skirts this year. I used to be so against skirts bc I thought they were too formal but I gradually worked up the courage to wear them in casual settings and discovered that I loved them!! They're so comfy and cute!!

I can't remember why but somehow I found a post that mentioned eyeliner bein a bi thing and I went 'o rlly??' and I searched up 'bisexual eyeliner' and found this fUCKIN website and went WHAT

Granted, that's only 2/3 because I don't have or want hair that short [I'm also jus now realizing that the girl in the picture is rlly cute but I didn't notice that when I first saw that this is WHY is this is PHASE and I'm LYING to myself] and I don't wear tights and it's just one website, plus, just like flannel [which I don't like on myself so that's a strike back] it's not a for sure thing, just a generalization. But wow was I freaked out

I google things like this a lot. Am I bi? How to figure out your sexuality? How to stop questioning your sexuality? How to know if you're bisexual? Bisexuality test? It's a problem

Back on the topic of stereotypes, yknow the like,, finger gun thing,,,,,,,,,,,,, okay it's because of Lance there's no other way he's the reason I found out it's a thing I started doing them because he did and I thought he was cool

But now I respond to everything with finger guns!! Every time I'm awkward n don't know what to say, bam!! And I've literally infected my friend with them cause now she does them too and she has n o i d e a [bless her] I do the awkward peace sign/thumbs up sometimes too,,

^my initial initial reaction to this was lowkey 'lol it me'

On the topic of using stereotypes as evidence, I have no gaydar!! My friend is a lesbian and she legit has the school logo pride pin that gsa handed out on her bag and I only found out in April when my friend was tryna set her up with a girl!! I'm big dumb!!

Mm what else do I want to include,, oh my god I've become so obsessed with Hayley Kiyoko recently. Just like with all of this, I can't tell whether it's to try and convince myself or because I actually am this, but girls like girls is like a big warm hug, cliff's edge feels a lot like my confusing feelings, feelings is relatable but in a platonic way? and I just aaaaaaaa I love lesbian Jesus so much. I caN'T BELIEVE SHE WAS IN LEMONADE MOUTH AND I DIDN'T REALIZE DHKDHDDJ

[read back through this n I'm about to discuss sex/attraction a little. Not in detail, just mentioning it]
Slight tangent [who am I kidding this is just a collection of panicky tangents] but as you know I'm very immature. Def not ready to be sixteen this is illegal I mean it, I'm calling the police

Why is this important?

As you may recall, I haven't had many crushes growing up, or in general, especially since I'm not even sure if any of them were real

A common argument between me and me:
'I might like girls'
'No you don't, for starters you didn't crush on girls growing up'
'I didn't crush on anyone growing up'
'Am I aro and/or ace or just immature??'
'You want a bf rlly bad'
'What if I want a gf too??'

I dunno, man, I dunno

Oh yea, this brings up the ace side of things bc questioning if I'm bi wasn't enough, no no nO, have to wonder about that too

This may just be bc I'm immature [since lots of teenagers are very much interested in sex] but god I don't want sex. It sounds awful. I know it's pleasing biologically or whatever but I don't care. This may also be because I cannot STAND the thought of being pregnant, again, teenager, but it sounds like the worst thing in the world. I'd rather die

Sex with girls? I,, don't know? Insert joke about me being a bottom cause I act like one [which I do] but I can't imagine myself w/ a girl because while I've done research, it's hard to imagine in general

Related to the ace thing is demisexuality, a friend brought it up once. I'm not sure I would identify as it. I'm not calling it fake for anyone else but it doesn't make much sense to me personally, I recognize that ace is a spectrum but the kind of person who would honestly fall in love with someone they haven't created an emotional bond with [as it's often defined as doing that] is extremely rare. Unless your definition of it is something else? I dunno man, I dunno

Rlly small and unrelated bit: when I was going through my old photos to find the og icons I've been redrawing, I happened across some Voltron fanart I had saved and this picture [credit: duckydrawsart] of Allura has me REELING is this just admiration for the art?? I don't know!! I can't stop looking at it it makes me feel rlly weird and god she looks so pretty

Here's another rlly small and unrelated bit: I don't think I'd mind being taller than my so

I don't get why every single girl I've met agrees that being shorter than the guy you date it important. I like tall guys! I like short guys too! Maybe that's just because that way I can pretend me being taller makes me less intimidated by them. Yet I can just imagine leaning down to kiss my so and putting my arm on their head and okay all the platonic parts of this just sound like me and my friends

Which is weird because while I love being tall lots of the time and love joking about my height [since I'm taller than 90% of my friends] I also hate feeling big. But with an so, mm, my brain won't let me see whether it would bother me or not. I guess I'd enjoy protecting them,, no that makes no sense, I'm the one who wants to BE protected

And IMAGINE being taller than your gf!!!!! That would be so cute!!!! She would be so cute get u a gf who's short, like cute person, they're short

I'm so heavily questioning that every time I see a girl I think I'm forcing myself to think of her as hot, to the point I can't tell if I do find any of them actually attractive. Then I try to make myself imagine kissing them and I'm fine with it except I don't know what kissing!! Is like!! So many of those websites I see when I go searching for if I'm bi every other night say to either experiment [w/ consent] w/ girls or imagine being w/ a girl sexually and I can't do either!!

Oh, but there's another piece of advice they like to give, and that's to politely ask your lgbt friends for advice,, so, lgbt friends, please please please give me advice

If you've read this far holy FUCK I love you. I think it's safe to say this is the longest rant I've ever posted, especially in an art book. Again, I'm sorry I don't have any art here, even if I've already updated today, and I'm sorry this is so, so damn long. This is something that's on my mind a lot. Back when I was seeing a therapist, it was the one thing I could never bring up [except for one other thing I'd rather not disclose] and it's been weighing down on me. It's not the worst it's ever been right this second but I still want to post this. I've wanted to for months

I know finding your sexuality shouldn't be a race. I know it can take years. But,, damnit, it's been years. Being unsure of myself fuckin sucks. Doesn't help that most of the world is very obsessed w/ being straight, not to mention that there are homophobes in 2019 because humans are dumb like that. I'm lucky enough to have an immediate family that would support me and a friend group that doesn't hate gays

So, my gay and ally friends, can you help me?

In conclusion:

[tHIS IS OVER 5000 WORDS LONG WHAT THE F U C K I AM SO SORRY]