Welcome back Readers for yet another An0n Rant!!!!! Don't worry folks, this one will not be as disturbing as the last one...

...

...I think.

Anywho! This was inspired by a game I play with my siblings, and a chapter in @Bluebunny2017 's  book, 'the one where America rents an RV' where Germany goes on a huge rant about stuff. At one point it went over fairytails, and I did a mini rant in the comments. Sorry 'bout that!! Eeheeheh...

Anyways, here goes!

Hansel and Gretal

We all know the timeless fairytale of the two children who are sent into the woods by their evil mother figure during a time of famine. Although they make it back the first time, they are sent out again, and they get lost. Eventually they by chance come upon a cottage in the woods made of sweets and candies. They eat parts of the house and an old lady comes out and tricks them inside. The lady, who just so happens to be a witch, locks up Hansel and forces Gretal to do Manual labor. She tries to fatten up Hansel to eat him, but he is a clever boi and makes her feel a chicken bone instead of his finger when she comes to check his thiccness. Eventually the witch is like, 'Aw screw it, Imma just gonna eat 'em now'. Gretal is like, 'IMMA 'BOUT TO RUIN THIS WITCH'S WHOLE CAREER' and naturally stuffs her into the oven. The children proceed to steal the jewels which are conveniently in the house and not locked up somewhere, and according to one of the original versions, the children gets back home by crossing a lake on the back of a swan, where they discover their evil mother figure is dead, and happily ever after and all that crap.

I tried not to show my sarcasm, but it leaked through by the end. Eh. 

Let's get down to business.

1. I find it mildly disturbing how the father just kinda lets his wife try to kill the kids. He just sorta. Steps back. I mean, bad parenting 101 is definitely going to be sacrificing your (probably) innocent children for the happiness of your questionable wife.

Can we give this man a round of applause for his selfless actions?

*sarcastically claps*

2. Property damage. I'm going to overlook the fact that Hansel and Gretal (I'll call 'em H&G for the sake of my lazy butt) just accept the fact that they happened upon a HOUSE made of CANDY.

WHY ARE THEY NOT PANICKING OR AT LEAST QUESTIONING THIS?!?

OKAY, I GET THAT THEY WERE STARVING AND ALL, BUT HAD IT OCCURED TO THEM THAT THEY MIGHT BE SEEING A MIRAGE OR HALLUCINATING???

Why of WHY is their FIRST RESPONSE to IMMEDIATELY friggin' EAT the house?!?!?

WHAT THE ACTUAL FLAMING SKY-RATS IS THIS MADNESS.

EVER HEARD OF DON'T ACCEPT CANDY FROM STRANGERS?!?

AND IF I HEARD A CREEPY OLD LADY VOICE ASKING ME IN WEIRD RHYMES WHO WAS EATING HER HOUSE, I WOULD'VE NOPED OUT OF THERE FASTER THAN ARI DID IN SCHOOL OF SECRETS.

3. Trespassing. Okay, so the witch had a LITTLE justification in what she did. I'm not at ALL saying it's okay, but she had a reason, unlike many fairytale villains who just decide to be sky-rat buttholes for no reason. The kids were EATING her gosh diddly darned HOUSE for crying out loud!!! 

If I woke up one day to see a couple o' 8 year olds earing my saccharine house that I spent who knows HOW much magic and time on,  I would FIRST question their sanity, and SECONDLY be very pissed.

Honestly, I could see myself setting 'em on fire if I didn't like kids so much. (Not in a pedo way just clarifying.)

4. Child abuse. This one goes NOT ONLY for the witch, but for the mother figure as well. We all know the witch imprisoned the boi and enslaved the girl, but it is implied that the mother figure STARVED her children, and the fact that she was so ready to leave her children for dead shows that they must not have received much love from their mother figure, possibly even abuse judging from the fact that for the most part they are not very surprised at the mother figure yeeting them into the wilderness to go, like, get adopted by Bambi or something.

5. Attempted Murder. What's a good fairytale without some semi-homicidal characters?!? Again, the mother figure's first response to their lack of food is not to work harder or anything, but to KILL OFF HER KIDS.

Okay, okay. Not DIRECTLY, but it doesn't get much closer to murder to just stand your about 8 year old kids in the middle of a gigantic forest without trying to get them back home.

6. Slavery. The witch friggin makes the girl work for her. I don't have much ta say 'bout this one. It's pretty cut and dry. The witch is old, has bad eyesight, probably stubs her poor toe on every piece of furniture in the house while trying to sweep the floor or do ANYTHING. 

So naturally, her first response is to force all the work on the kid she is not fattening up to eat.

Speaking of which, that brings us up to

7. CaNnIbAlIsM. 

Witch: OoH nUmMy!!! ThIcC jUiCy BoI iS eTtInG mAh HoUsE!!! I hAvE a GrEaT iDeA!!! I'lL sHoW hIm To NoT eAt ThIs WiTcH's HoMiE zOnE!!! I'lL eAt HIM!! SeE hOw HE LiKeS iT!!!!

The kids: 0.o

Witch: HoUsEs HaVe FeElInGs ToO!!!

House: UwU thank you lady inside of meh. 

The kids: ಠ_ಠ

8. Animal Abuse. Picture this:

A graceful Trumpterer Swan glides smoothly across the serene pond, the afternoon sun reflecting shimmering waves on the proud chest and neck of the noble creature. The swan cuts lazily towards a bank, gracefully arching its neck regally to fish.

And then a gross sweaty 8 year old girl who smells like burnt flesh leaps onto the back of the swan,  who bucks wildly and flaps madly, honking in alarm and shattering the peace of the forest.

The girl screams out something to another person. The swan's eyes travel up to see an extremely obese boy around the same age carrying a chest of heavy gems as he waddles on thicc legs to the two of them.

'You have GOT to be kidding me!' Thinks the swan.

"C'mon Hansel! Get on the swan! It will be happy to take us across the pond I'm sure!!!"

'You brats, why couldn't you have walked AROUND the pond?!?' Thought the swan hopelessly before the boi practically JUMPS onto the poor creature's back.

It was a miracle that the swan managed to stay afloat. In order to get it over with, the swan spends the next 3 hours wagging its feet, slowly paddling a distance that would normally take the majestic creature about 15 minutes at the least.

The children are being rowdy, and the swan wants nothing more but to be shot in the head and have this nightmare be over with.

FINALLY they reach the other side. The girl turns around.

"Oh kind swan, is there anything we can do to repay you?"

But the swan is already frantically beating it's wings in rapid succession, striving to put as much distance between the nightmare children and itself as possible.

9. Feeding wild animals. This is actually not a good thing to do, and while H&G were unaware or unintentionally doing this with the breadcrumbs, it still gives a wrong impression to the children hearing the story.

Y'see, when an animals starts to eat more and more human food fed to it, it starts getting desensitized to humans, making it beg more, which is annoying, but not at all the worst if it. They start to lose their hunting instincts, and will rely on more and more human intervention.

It's a big problem at beaches. When people feed the sky-rats too often, the sky-rats get cockier (if that's even POSSIBLE) and will even attack humans for food. 

Don't believe me? Check out the chapter in the artbook titled 'Images to make your day Better (or Worse)'.

10. Theft. Although the children WERE starving at home and needed money, the fact that this was INCLUDED in the fairytale is a bit concerning. This desensitizes children to thievery and installs into them false ideas of moral rights and wrongs.

11. Murder. Easily the most DISTURBING out of ALL of these (matched only by the cannibalism) is the fact that they have a CHILD commit MURDER.

I don't CARE if it was in self-defense, again, the fact that this was even IN the story is concerning!!!

Parent: "Alright kiddos! What did we learn about doing to the people who hurt you?"

Child: "SHOVE THEIR HEADS INTO AN OVEN!!!" :D

Parent: "That's my kid!!!" ÙwÚ

Me: "UH. WHAT. OKAY. THEN. IMMA GO NOW."

12. Supporting the telling of lies and deceit. The fact that the protagonist of the story uses his wits to outsmart the evil witch, can also be seen as the child who lies and deceives an old nearly blind old woman. Okay. Yes. An old woman intent on eating him. But still.

Like I've said before, this teaches bad things to the kiddos.

13. Last but DEFINITELY NOT LEAST, Sexism.

It's never directly said, but c'mon. The girl cries while the smart boy finds a way to save them. The boy cleverly outfits the witch, the boy gets them out of there.

What does the girl do?

Accidentally shoves the witch's head in an oven.

The boy does most of the heroic work while the girl does friggin' HOUSEWIFE CHORES AND MANUAL LABOR.

...And thank you. This has been Ranting on Fairytales with An0n. I hope I didnt ruin fairytales for you, i was trying to convey them in a different light.

If you liked this, comment another fairytale for me to do here.

I'm not quite sure which of my many things I said I'd do that I should do next. (It's late, sue me, I know that sentence was on crack.)

The music oneshot, a random oneshot, something else that I forgot that I will probably remember when I publish this, or maybe another skits and stories?

An0n out!

READ 'the one where America rents an RV' OR I'LL EAT YOUR KNEECAPS

"＼( ○v◎)／"

YUMMY