I'm not going too well today.

I woke up in a panic attack and my old depression circled through my mind, eventually leading to having a mental break down in the shower.

I'll just be telling you guys about my cracks in more detail, because... of reasons of coping and feeling better

I was heavily bullied at the age of 5 due to my disability. This was when I was just starting to get help to so people could tell that I had a disability. My personality was fading all because of it, I was turning more shy, self-conscious and over-all unhappy. you could basically say I was depressed at the age of 5.

During the bulling stages, as a last stitch effort to save my confidence, I confessed to a boy a really like. I instantly got rejected and my confidence was shattered.

In Jess's book, she talked about a girl named Almond, Jess explains everything in her book so you should check it out. For a couple of days, Almond was dragging my friends away and telling them secrets about things (Probably me). One day I finally asked why? To Almond's response, she stated, "That's because we're not you Friend". I just stood there, processing what she just said, until I ran off. I started hanging out with them, much to this dismay of Almond. But, her words got to me, I started believing her... I still believe her to this day.

For my whole life, I have been single, This led me to believe that I wasn't good enough for love. There always someone in my year level who is dating someone, no one is ever single. Jess told me that I would grow up married and have kids. Honestly, I don't believe that. I've Labeled myself in the friend group, the chubby loner girl.

In year 8 I started to realize that I was gaining these marks on my stomach and thighs. I ignored them and continued on my days. At the beginning of year 9, they started to be more prominent and darker, I showed my mum and she told me I had stretch marks. I got these because I was gaining weight at a fast rate.

I had wanted to be skinny ever since I can remember, but this broke me further. I started exercising more often, going on the treadmill, putting so much effort into my netball and so much more... but it all failed.

Then one day, the news was talking about eating disorders, even though they were portraying it as the devil, I saw through it and all I remember thinking was "That doesn't sound so bad", Ever since then I have eaten less and less food as the days go by, usually after netball games I go to the canteen and buy hot chips, now I just sit and watch my sister play. I'm also pretty sure my friends have started realizing I don't eat much at recess, having some of my food only to chuck it in the bin later on

(As I'm writing this I haven't even bothered to eat breakfast)

This was the point where in year 9, I started having douted about my drawings. I used to like drawing them and my friends loved them, some of my classmates even requested me to draw them during lessons. I then started hating my drawings after watching animations done by many people who were so much better than me.

I was called a furry by one of my classmates and soon my crush, which crushed me. I almost stopped drawing altogether, I had no inspiration to continue.

~My Old Drawings from 2017~

And that's what led to me almost cutting myself, and yes I have stated before that I didn't end up doing this... but I had an alternative

Scratches/bashing

I scratched my arms, my legs, my neck and behind my ears... all of this was a coping mechanism for me. During Netball more specifically, whenever I missed an intercept, passed to the oppisition, I would turn my head and look at my Dad, he would shake his head, leaving me to turn back, look at the ground... and scratch my neck.

Some of my scratches started to draw blood, especially the ones on my neck.

My parents and friends eventually saw them and questioned me about them, I always told them it was because I stress out a lot, which is true, it's what I'm known for. And I told them the scratched on my arms and legs were from the dog.

When I was having a mental break-down, I would bash my head in, to the point I would give myself a headache. In fact, the breakdown I had today... I did just that.

 And There is one more crack I haven't told you guys about...

Judgment

This has formed from all the popular and snobby people who I have been around. Someone talked shit about me and told Jess. Jess told me the girl stated that I was 'Too self-conscious'. And ever since I started Wattpad... it's gotten worse.

No, I haven't received hate comments or death threats... but, I have seen people who have done the same things as me, all have hate comments or death threats

- Ship Oc x Canon

- Create Oneshots

Why is that? Is it because I'm older than people? Is it because they don't wanna be seen bulling a person with a disability, why is that.

I also feel like I'm disrespecting so many people, especially the Eddsworld crew, that's why I'm ending my Dare/Ask series once it gets to Ask/Dare 100.

Anyways, hopefully, I don't give off that I 'want attention off of my depression' 

But for me... this is my way of getting better, sometimes sharing things make me feel better, I gave that advice to one of my friends on Wattpad that was having trouble

I hope you guys don't do any of the fucked up shit I did back then and still to this day.

Hope you have a lovely day

Kasey out~