Fake Wedding! AU requested by Adulx274. Thanks for the suggestion!

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"

This is singlehandly the worst thing I've agreed to do."

"You're tellin' me."

Hanzo and Jesse stood in the dressing room, trying to ignore the ridiculous outfits they were wearing. The ravenet caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and scoffed. "I had to shave for you, dammit."

"I'm not sure what's worse: Yer dress or yer attitude."

"God, why'd it have to be us?" The archer spun around, ignoring how the white dress twirled with him. "Why couldn't it have been Mercy, or my brother?"

"You damn well why it wouldn't of." The cowboy pushed back the memories of those two constantly flirting. "'Sides, we just gotta pretend we're gettin' hitched until we see the target."

"Hopefully it's soon," the Asian grumbled. "I don't want to have to kiss you."

"Oh, please, I know ya wouldn't mind it," McCree muttered quietly. He couldn't help but smirk as the other got flustered.

"What - I - Who said - Ugh!" Hanzo spun back around, trying to hide his reddening face. Just then, they heard the door open.

"Aw, Anija, I'm so proud of you!" Genji cooed, throwing his arms around his brother. The older Shimada tried to squirm out of his grasp.

"Genji! I will happily murder you a second time if you keep this up!"

The brunet couldn't help but snicker. "Don't worry, he's jus' bein' a lil' pissy today."

"I am not!"

The green-haired ninja nodded very slowly in understanding. "Of course. Marriage can be a very stressful point in someone's life."

"Oh, for fuck's sake-"

"Vhat is taking so long?" Angela poked her head in, clearly annoyed. "Ve've just received vord that Armenta is on his vay. Ve need to get into position!"

The cyborg quickly followed her out, looking a little more focused. He glanced back at the two men and winked. "Good luck, you lovebirds!"

They rolled their eyes and linked arms as they walked out. "I am not kissing you, by the way," the Shimada muttered as they went.

"Hopefully ya won't have to," Jesse growled in response before flashing the crowd a cheeky grin. They heard the organ playing before they were ready for it.

The lawn outside was beautiful, dotted with wild flowers all over it. The white gazebo before them made them fully realize the weight of the situation: They were falsely getting married, just so they could get intel on and attack a Talon ally. It was a very drastic plan, to say the least.

The southerner said what they were both thinking. "Well, ain't this some desperate measures."

"Right?" Hanzo's voice was filled with relief. "I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks this is outright bizarre."

"Oh, you never were, honeybee," McCree purred as the neared the gazebo. The archer's face flushed again and he playfully tried to trip the other. The brunet stumbled, laughed quietly, and pulled him up towards the alter.

The pastor, who was a witfully dressed Zenyatta, jumped into his monologue. "We are gathered here today to unite these two people and spirits as one. Gathered with us is the friends and family of these two lost souls, here the support their union. We..."

As he spoke, the two tried to catch a glimpse of their target. "Can't he get here any faster?" the Shimada hissed under his breath.

The cowboy sighed softly. "Ya can't rush crime, doll."

"Of course, you'd be one to know that." His voice was laced with sarcasm.

Before anything else could be said, the rings were thrusted upon them, the little white pillow they were resting on adorned with gold seams. They took them carefully, with fake smiles plastered on their faces. They slipped them onto the other's ring finger, the hostility radiating off them in waves.

The omnic beside them sighed dutifully. "If you're that worried about it, our target is over there at... What do they call it? Seven o'clock?"

Jesse fought the urge to spin around and watched as Hanzo glanced over his metal shoulder. When the ravenet stared for too long, the southerner grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "Stay in character, darlin'."

He heard the shorter male growl in protest, but he said nothing else. A good way through Zenyatta's speech, they noticed Genji keeping an eye on Armenta. Relief washed over them as they continued to glare and pretend they loved each other.

Finally, the moment they had been dreading arrived.

"You may now kiss the bride."

The slight hint of rage on the Asian's face at being called a bride amused McCree. Feeling someone's gaze burning into the back of his skull, he wrapped his arms around the archer's waist and pulled him closer.

The Shimada tried to crane his head back, but it was too late. Their lips locked and they froze for a moment.

As the crowd of agents cheered, the brunet was surprised to find Hanzo kissing him back. Before either of them knew what was happening, they melted into it and grabbed onto each other.

During their moment of bliss, they heard Angela yell, "Take ze shot!"

Without breaking the kiss, the ravenet pulled out the sleep dart pistol Jesse brought, draped his arms around him, and fired. The gunshot ring in the cowboy's ear as they broke away. A series of impressed murmurs came from the crowd, and when he looked back, he saw the Talon agent on the ground, a dart sticking out of his chest. He let out a low whistle and turned back around.

To his surprise, the Asian pressed their lips together again. In between kisses, he whispered, "This... Did not... Happen. I didn't... Enjoy it... At all." He pulled away, his eyes like daggers. "Got it?"

The southerner chuckled quietly. "Yer mouth's sayin' one thing, but yer body's sayin' somethin' else."

It took Hanzo a moment to realize he was practically clinging to the gunslinger like he was his lifeline. He quickly tore himself away, his arms crossed and his gaze elsewhere. "It's - I - Just - Take my word for it, ok?"

With a soft chuckle, Jesse laced their fingers together. "Alright, doll..."