CHAPTER THREE:
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"Yes, these new walls are pretty hard to crack
And it might take a while until I trust you won't attack, oh
I apologise, but it was only self-defence
Running away just made sense."

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I have protected myself from people for the majority of my life. The self- preservation became a habit and walls became an everyday part of my life and, soon, I didn't even notice they existed.
Running away just made sense. I was blind to the effect that shutting people out had on my life. But I hope I can knock down my walls and let people in again.

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Amara sat down comfortably on the sofa and lifted her legs to rest them on the table in front of her as she gripped her scolding hot cup of coffee. Watching the news, her mind drifted off, and she began thinking deeply, utterly oblivious to the flashing images on the screen in front of her.
For as long as she could remember, she had been eminently closed off and quiet. She thought of how, as any child does, she enjoyed running around and playing with friends but, when you're young, it's often found that those friendships mean little more than having someone to play with at lunchtimes and break times. Perhaps it's common for some of these relationships, the significant ones, to be carried through life with you. There were a few friends that Amara took with her from childhood. One of whom was her best friend. The best friend that was stolen from her far too soon. Other than them, she was completely alone. But that was okay by her, for she had never truly realised what a difference one person could make. Not until Devan.

Her television continued talking at her as she got completely lost in her thoughts, and her cup of coffee grew stone cold. It dawned on her that, as she got older, and her friendships with people became different and more meaningful, well they should have done anyway. Perhaps they didn't really. She wasn't sure anymore. It was always hard for her to communicate with people when she was growing up, she realised, and, in all honesty, she still didn't think she was great at it.
She didn't mind, though. She had always been noticeably comfortable in her own company and found herself more comfortable when she was alone than when she was around people. She still loved her friends, and she enjoyed being around them, but to her, spending time in her room was also amiable. When she was alone, she never had to worry about impressing people or being liked. She could be herself. Devan was probably the only person she truly felt like she could be herself with, at least since her best friend's tragic passing. Now though, it seemed that had been lost. She wasn't sure who she was anymore.

Amara continued to sit there on the sofa, turning off to the sound of the television but paying slight attention to the light patter of rain hitting the windowpane, and her heart began to throb and beat painfully in her chest at the memory of her closest friend's passing. It was the cause of her complete communication breakdown, and she suddenly found herself without her best friend and the one person she wouldn't have to talk to let them know she wasn't okay. And so, she closed herself off further. Her habit of keeping all of her emotions bottled up inside of her continued for many years and, while she sat there, she began to think that it had never stopped. When she started working, she found that she had to protect herself from the critical eyes of her colleagues and soon, without realising it, she had pushed away just about everyone she knew and cared about. This, she noted, was perhaps caused by many of her other friends' distinct lack of effort to check up on her. She knew that it was because they thought she wouldn't respond and she understood why, but it still hurt her and, soon, they lost touch, leaving her very much alone with her thoughts. This was why she immersed herself in her work. She found nothing to hold her back anymore, so she worked as hard as she could, and it paid off in the end. She liked to believe that she only let work consume her life since she thought she might as well, given her new-found free time and because she wanted to follow her dreams. However, what she didn't admit, perhaps not even to herself, is that she also did it because she felt gut-wrenchingly lonely. Amara felt utterly alone and betrayed, and she found herself blaming herself, only adding to her pain. So, she focused on her career to distract herself from that pain and loneliness. Work had become her respite from the harsh reality of her life and the unwavering pain and isolation she felt when she was at home.
That was until Devan changed everything for her.

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The following morning, she awoke to the sound of next door's dog barking loudly in their garden. As she turned to face the window, she glanced at the time. 6:30. She decided to stay awake, and so began her thinking. She had been doing it a lot recently. She had always been a rather deep thinker, but this took the cake. Soon, Amara's mind drifted off to the beginning of their relationship. They had fallen in love quickly, and she found it particularly easy to be around him because she didn't need words to communicate with him, he somehow knew just what she was thinking and feeling only from her eyes, her facial expressions and her body language.

She never needed to admit that she was hurting or stressed or anxious when she was with him, he'd just know and cradle her in his arms. He didn't question her or force her to tell him what was wrong; he simply held her. This helped her more than she'd ever care to admit and, thinking back on it, she realised that it probably meant more to her than he knew either.

While thoughts continued to roam around her mind, she became engrossed in the contemplation of her discomfort near the beginning of their relationship. She recalls how she would squirm in his arms, always having a great feeling of discomfort deep in her stomach whenever showing anything she deemed as a weakness - wanting to remain strong and composed. Sometimes, he could read her better than she knew herself and she'd often find herself in the comfort of his arms, feeling the warmth of it, without realising that she needed it in the first place. Thus, it was only a matter of time before she started to open up to him. She told him what happened when she was younger, and she found herself openly seeking comfort in his arms, relishing the feeling of it. She became more open with her feelings and allowed him to see her cry and eventually realised that seeking comfort was not showing weakness; it was showing strength.

Even after the arguments, he could still read her like a book, and she knew he could. Perhaps that's what made the arguments and the aftermath of those arguments particularly painful for both of them. She knew he could see her hurt in her eyes, and yet Devan did little to stop it. This weighed heavily on Amara's heart for a while, and she often found herself wondering if he had meant to cause that pain or if he didn't know what to do about it.

Soon their arguments grew more frequent and escalated at an alarming rate. She could see it in his face that he knew she was hurt. And he knew she could see it his face that he hated arguing with her and it was frequently plain that he was hurting too. And yet they both ignored it, both too stubborn to admit defeat. This caused her to become defensive around him, and her walls push him away. She'd start to squirm in his arms and pull away when he tried to comfort her, breaking his heart just a little bit more every time. This had the opposite effect of what she intended for it to do, and it only caused more arguments and pain, causing those mental blockades to build themselves without her control. It became a never-ending, vicious cycle that became their most prominent issue of all. They both became closed off as detached from the other, leading them rather to neglect the other. He tried to get her to open up, but she was too far gone, casting more doubt of the durability of their relationship in his mind. That's why she threw herself into her work once more. It meant she could block out and ignore her feelings and concentrate on being successful and helping her business to grow. The time they spent apart grew and grew, and soon they barely spent any time together, causing a strain in their relationship. It was almost as if they were single again. Which means it was no surprise when they gradually fell out of love with each other.

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The next day, Amara had a rough day at work, dealing with opposing companies who seem to be intent on destroying her own company. It reminded her a lot of when she first started working, continually having to look over her shoulder to make sure nobody tried to stab her in the back. She decided she had enough for the day and headed home to try and take her mind off things. She arrived home earlier than him for once and so;
she decided to cook for him in the evening. She made her way into the kitchen and shuffled around, grabbing all the ingredients she would need to make his favourite food, beef hot pot with roast vegetables. Amara checked the time on the clock on the oven to make sure she had enough time before Devan would be home before she began to work on making dinner. Eventually, she finished preparing the hot pot and the vegetables and left them to cook while she headed into the living room to make it more romantic and relaxing, hoping that he would be too distracted by the food and atmosphere to notice the mounting tension that she carried in her shoulders. She got to work making the living room neat, comfortable and relaxing for them both. First, she neatly placed a throw onto the sofa, ready for them to snuggle under it later that day. Then, she turned off the main lights and replaced it with candles and the few lamps that were strategically scattered around the room. Finally, she lay out a few films on the coffee table, ready for him to pick one.

Just as she finished, she made out the sound of the front door open and close and Devan fumbling with his coat. She gently plodded through to the hallway to greet him.

"Hi D," she said with a small smile present on her lips.

"Hi A," he replied, giving her a soft peck on the cheek. He suddenly identified the smell of his favourite food and glanced at her with confusion and a trace of excitement written on his face. She instantly recognised his facial expression and told him: "I got home early and decided to make you your favourite, figured it was my turn to make dinner for you."

He smiled widely at that and shook his head gently.

"Wow thank you, I really appreciate it. But just so you know, I don't mind making dinner for you," he confessed to her, offering her a boyish grin. But the more Devan studied Amara's face and her body language, the more he noticed the tension in her face and shoulders but, before he could say anything, she was off, making her way to the kitchen, and serving up their dinner. He followed her through and poured the two of them a glass of wine each and took them through to the living room, surprised when he saw what she'd done to it.

"What's all this?" he asked as she joined him in the living room, carrying their plates piled high with food. She smiled and said: "I had time to kill so I figured I'd make it all nice and comfy in her for when we eat. Why don't you pick a movie?" He gaped at her as if she'd grown for a second head before he nodded and looked through the choice she had picked out for him, before choosing him which one they would watch. He couldn't remember the last time she'd had the time to do something like this, and it was a big shock. He was so shocked that he had momentarily forgotten that something was clearly wrong with her. Amara took the chosen film from his hands and put it on before handing him his plate and sitting down on the sofa while digging in. Devan followed suit and sat next to her, also digging into his meal. She gently pulled the blanket up over them while she ate and tried her best to concentrate on them and their night together and not what had happened at work.

It didn't take too long for both of them to finish their meals. When they both had, he carefully took her plate from her lap and took them both to the kitchen and placed them in the sink before heading back to sit with her. Devan flopped down next to her again and could feel her tense discreetly as he did so.

"Are you okay A?" he asked her gently, looking at her with concern in his eyes.

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She suddenly felt the urge to run away and never look back, wanting to deal with it alone. But, she knew that she'd have to start opening up again. She knew that, rationally, he'd never intentionally hurt her and that she could trust him.

Just as she was about to lie and tell him that nothing was wrong, the small nagging voice in the back of her head told her otherwise and instead; she broke down in tears. He froze, momentarily shocked at her reaction, before he was brought back to reality by a piercing sob and he quickly shot into action and pulled her into his arms, cradling her close to him, desperate to take away her pain. It was then that he realised how much her pain hurt him too. He thought that that response had died a long time ago, but maybe, just maybe, he was wrong. It was the first time in months that she had allowed him to hold her while she cried and it helped Amara to realise that it felt nice to be held. It was a lot less scary than she had told herself it would be. As she lay in his arms as he whispered soft words of comfort, she began to hope that it was the start of something new for them.

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I didn't expect much of a response from her, but I had to make sure that she was okay. She never seeks comfort from me anymore. I know she doesn't need me, but it would be nice if she did. I hope she will again. Just like I hope I'll need her again too.

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Word count: 2604
Reading time: approx 13 minutes

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