CHAPTER ONE:
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"Hope I'm not tired of rebuilding
'Cause this might take a little more
I think I'd like to try look at you
And feel the way I did before."

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The black air around me cleared. I can see now, that I have to let you in again if we're ever going to fix us. I'm going to try to feel the way I did before.

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Everything around Amara slowed as she lay in bed, sharp rays of sun hitting the side of her face. She began to stare up at the ceiling as she became sucked into the world of her thoughts. It had often been happening. Her thoughts were often filled by Devan and their past and what had gone wrong for them, getting them to their current state.
Thoughts of their previously loving and passionate relationship clouded her mind. Two years had flown by.
Their love appeared as routine as the next couple's, at least on the surface. She believed that just one thing separated them from everyone else. The latter few months of their relationship, Amara realised, had been moulded and shaped by a barrier a mile high, causing a distance to grow between them, forcing them miles apart.

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Soon, her mind led her elsewhere. While Amara lay there in her bed, her mind focussed on how she had felt an innate impulse to protect herself for as long as she could remember. It was as if a magnet was pulling her away from everyone else to save herself.
From a young age, she had been told; she had always been an ambitious young child who always knew that one day, she wanted to be the CEO of a company - her own company. Her main goal was to prove that women could be just as successful as men in the business industry and she vowed there and then, that she would always work as hard as she possibly could to achieve her goal and to inspire little girls to become whoever they want to be.

A bird perched on the ledge of the winder and the chirping commenced, and her mind led her to the way she had blossomed into a strong and independent young woman. Friends, perhaps friendly acquaintances, had informed her that she gradually, became ruthless and cold. A trail of surprised colleagues had been left behind in her wake as she climbed through the ranks faster than anyone believed she could. Yet, she also knew what she wanted, and she was willing to do anything in her power to get it. If occasional doubts popped up in her mind, Amara reminded herself just how slavishly she had worked to prove that she could do it. Soon she gained enough experience and respect to start her own business, just like she always dreamed she would. But, as does everyone, she faced hurdles and mountains to climb, often leaving her disheartened. It had been expected. She had always known that following her dreams would not be easy. This caused her to become defensive and build walls to protect herself from the jealous comments and criticism that she frequently found thrown at her. This cold and detached nature of hers became her fatal flaw.

One other, unwanted thought, continually popped up in her mind. It was her other, unspoken, dream that she had carried throughout her childhood. One that nobody knew about. One that she tried to deny for many years. She would not and could not show weakness.

She cherished the idea of love. A love like she read in romance novels and stories. It saddened her to remember how she had let this dream float away and abandoned it to grow as a businesswoman and prove her worth. She believed that she could never afford to show any sign of fragility or any traits associated with femininity and weakness because she thought she would face criticism and sexism if she did. That was until Devan Kingsley came crashing into her life...

Amara's heart painfully clenched in her chest when she'd remember that, not long after they met, she started to let her walls down with him. She let him in faster than she'd have liked to and it terrified her. For her whole life, she had pushed people away or kept to herself. Having someone who was so quickly able to make those walls come crashing down around her felt threatening. But, in some strange way, she loved the way he made her feel scared, to her, it was thrilling. Perhaps it was also a sign that she genuinely cared for him. Devan seemed to understand her better than anyone had ever done before, without her even having to speak. That suited her perfectly. He could see past her cold and protected exterior and see the generous and loving person that she was and a great beauty within her. They fell deeply in love very quickly, and it didn't take them long for them to both believe they'd found 'the one'. She momentarily shifted her focus away from her company to focus on her relationship; however, this didn't last too long.

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Their morning routine was always the same; every day she'd lie awake deep in thought, only brought out of it by the sound their alarm beeping wildly at her, signalling that it's time for her to get up and get ready for work. Work, for her, was a godsend. In the morning, as she lay awake, she realised that her work provided her with a way for her to distract herself and be entirely true to herself. It was a relief from the static, well oiled, emotionless machine that they called their relationship.

Amara consistently woke with her silky hair neatly plaited, her body curled up on the left side of the bed with Devan to her right, with his shorter hair splayed out under his head. At one point, she knows, she must have found this endearing, but as she slowly removed his arm from around her frame, she frequently noticed a lack of butterflies in her stomach. Where had they lost their spark? She swiftly hit the alarm before sliding out of bed to shower. As she stood in the shower, the water would run cold as she stood and remembered both good and bad times. Goosebumps would prick at her skin as her body adjusted to the temperature. Not that she noticed, she was too entranced in her thoughts.

Meanwhile, Devan took a few moments to lie; still, his mind immediately began to tick, before he groggily dragged himself out of bed and tiredly shuffled downstairs to the kitchen where he made breakfast for the two of them. As he mildly stumbled around the kitchen organising breakfast, he started rousing fully, and it didn't take him too long until he was fully conscious. Once he'd finished, he called up to her that food was ready and so, she slowly made her way downstairs to the kitchen. There they'd sit, mostly in silence, for a while as they ate. It was never a particularly awkward silence, but a silence nevertheless. It mainly was caused by both of them getting lost in their thoughts, as usual. Amara realised that it seemed that they plainly couldn't find the right words to say anymore.

She was perfectly aware that this merely added to the troubles in their already disintegrating relationship. They sat mostly comfortably and ate their breakfast before she'd go back upstairs to finish getting ready while he'd wash the dishes.

This time allowed Devan time to think back to his childhood.
He'd remembered how, as a young boy he'd dreamed of being a knight in shining armour, a dependable gentleman, ready to swoop in and save his damsel in distress, a maiden he'd spend the rest of his life with. As he grew older and less naive, he discovered that his dream was foolish. He learnt about the realities of divorce and crumpling relationships. He also soon found out that most women didn't need saving. That was certainly the case with Amara. However, with Amara, he also felt a strange surge of protectiveness whenever he was around her. Periodically, he'd feel that ageing dream creep it's way back into his mind, making him wonder if she'll ever let him save her.

Finally, when she'd finished preparing herself for her day, and he had finished washing up, they'd meet at the bottom of the stairs, and he'd softly pull her in for a kiss before she grabs her bag and walks out and drives to work. The kiss became more of an obligation or part of their routine than a loving gesture, and soon it lost all of its meaning. He cautiously placed his hands on her waist and pulled her to him, so their noses were touching before leaning in and capturing her lips with his. The butterflies that appeared in their stomachs when they kissed faded away until they ultimately stopped appearing, making her question where they'd gone. Most people would assume that this kiss was meaningful, she thought, if they saw it in public. Yet Amara was aware that neither of them felt a thing.

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However, after lying awake and thinking, Amara decided that things would be different from now on and that she'd put more effort in. After all, she knew she'd still have plenty of time and energy for herself afterwards. She felt strangely optimistic about it and, when the alarm sounded, she swiftly turned it off, jumped out of bed with a slight spring to her step and whispered in his ear: "It's okay D," she started, using his nickname for the first time in a while. "I'll make breakfast today."

In his tired, early morning state, Devan didn't quite process what she had just said, and instead, he grunted sleepily in response. He didn't register her words until she had gently plodded down the stairs, and he heard her in the kitchen. Only then did he sit up and wonder what's going on.

She had decided to dedicate more of her time to be with him and their relationship, since, surely spending time together and getting to know each other again was the best way to fix things? She finally saw how they used to be, and she felt the urge to get it back. So, she made him his favourite breakfast, set the table neatly, and gently called up to him, "Breakfast is ready."

Not long after, she heard him shuffle around upstairs before he made his way downstairs. Just as he hit the second to last step, he was greeted with the scent of eggs and bacon. He rounded the corner to the kitchen to see her sitting patiently with a small smile on her face as she signalled for him to sit down.

Devan couldn't fight the small twitch at the corners of his lips, turning upwards into a smile as he sat down opposite her.

"What's all this A?" he asked, using her nickname too, as she gestured for him to dig in.

"I decided to make you breakfast for a change," she told him with a rather nonchalant, small smile. He nodded in response, still with a smile twitching at his lips.

"What are you doing today?" she asked softly, breaking their brief moment of silence. He looked up to her from his food rather taken aback at her sudden small talk before he answered her.

"Well, I have work. It's only a half-day today though, something about big meetings in the afternoon so I'm free to leave early," he told her, not expecting much of a response from her.

She paused for a moment, thinking.
"I have a few days of holiday time I haven't used... and I have no meetings in the afternoon, they're all in the morning today... maybe I can come home early, and we can spend time together?" she asked with a small smile.

He almost choked on his food as he looked up at her questioningly. She completely understood why too, she hadn't taken any time off for years. His momentary shock quickly changed into a smile, and he didn't turn the offer down, and instead, nodded eagerly.

"I'd like that a lot," he told her, his smile growing.

She nodded and started to clean up once they had both finished. He tried to help, but she told him to go and relax instead. But he gently insisted on helping and so, they cleaned up together. They talked about her morning meetings and what to do when they get home as she washed the dishes, and he dried them. In the end, they didn't decide what to do; they just decided that they wanted to spend some quality time together; they both knew their relationship needed it.

"How do you make holy water?" he started to tell a terrible joke, hoping to get a smile out of her.

"You boil the hell out of it," he said with a grin and a hopeful gleam in his eyes. She gave him a soft chuckle and a smile that reached her eyes.

Eventually, they finished cleaning up and headed upstairs together.

"Can I quickly hop in the shower?" she asked him to make sure he didn't want to go first.

He looked at her, slightly surprised and wondered why she asked since their routine hadn't changed in so long before he grinned and nodded. She smiled back and headed into the bathroom and showered.

While she was in the bathroom, he flopped back onto their bed, his brain ticking, wondering what on earth had changed in her and how long it would last for. Would it only last a day?

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Hundreds of questions spiralled around his mind as he lay there on the bed as she showered. He became so distracted by it that he didn't notice the steam from the bathroom floor pour into their bedroom and her light footsteps padding towards the wardrobe; her freshly washed hair leaving a small trail of water on the floor.

He sat up and watched as she acted like nothing had changed before he flopped back onto his back. He lay deep in thought for a moment so, she threw a makeup brush at him to get his attention, grinning mischievously as she did so. It hit him lightly in the chest and he instantly looked up and looked at her.

"Bathroom's free," she told him with that smile. It caused him to chuckle lightly and get up and amble into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and briefly leant against it, before hopping into the shower.

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Later that day, in the afternoon, they both made their way home from work. As she pulled in to their driver way, Amara realised how alien arriving home in the daylight felt to her since she had previously arrived home after dark. Yet, as she drove home, she thought that the apprehension that sat uncomfortably in her gut was not the only alarmingly real thing she was feeling. There was also a hint of excitement bubbling up inside of her, secretly elected to finally be making progress in their relationship again. She recognised that showing dedication to him and being willing to spend time with him as a couple was an essential step to loving again. She knew that she had to do that before she started tackling the incredibly daunting task of letting him in again.

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Something has shifted within her. I can't remember the last time she's taken any time off work, so why today? I don't understand. Maybe I don't want to. Either way, I hope we make the most of it. I miss her. I hope that she'll start to open up to me the way she did before. I have faith that I'll be able to push away any doubts about her and us and have some faith in her.

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Word count: 2675
Reading time: approx 13 minutes

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