Chapter Seven - Dan:

"Why now?" she asked.

I sat quietly, hands folded in my lap, my shoulders hunched, and head down. I couldn't look her in the eyes.

"Dan, I know you can hear me. You're mute not deaf."

I looked up at her and scowled. Ms. Kelly looked at me with the same blank expression as usual.

Because I've just decided I'm ready now, I signed, petulantly.

She sat back in the plush arm chair she was perched in, recrossed her legs, her lips turned up into a knowing smirk.

"Honey, I've been in the counseling business long enough to know that one doesn't just change their mind on a whim. There's usually a reason behind it."

I turned my face away, and clicked my jaw. I'd spent two years not talking. I wasn't going to start now.

She tapped her pen on her pad of paper she'd been taking notes in for the last forty-five minutes, and sighed deeply.

"Look, Dan..." she started.

Yes Ms. Kelly? I signed.

She smiled half heartedly. "Don't get smart with me, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on with you. It's my job- it's what I'm paid for."

I clicked my jaw again.

"I'm fine with helping you learn to speak again, but in return you've got to start giving me some answers."

I drummed my fingers on my knee cap, debating whether or not it was worth it.

"You could start by telling me why. I feel like you own me at least that much," Ms. Kelly said, leaning forward and uncrossing her legs.

I relented, turning back to look at her. I've met someone, I signed.

She looked at me, her interest sparked. I couldn't tell if she had expected this or not.

They... they're different. They don't mind that I can't talk. But... I trailed off.

"But what?" Ms. Kelly pressed.

I took a deep breath. I have something I want to tell them. But I think it would be better said than signed.

A grin broke out across her face. "Oh? Well this is certainly interesting. Are you in love?"

I ducked my head, a blush spreading across my face. No, no, nothing like that, I signed embarrassed.

Ms. Kelly ignored me. "I was wondering when you were going to tell me about him. Our last few sessions together, you've seemed happier than usual."

Something stuck out in that sentence.

Him?! I signed, alarmed.

She laughed. "Honey, I may not know everything, but I chose this profession for a reason. I'm very good at what I do. That, and I've spent the majority of the past two years with you. Did you really think I wouldn't pick up on the fact that you prefered men?"

I could feel my face become redder as she spoke, my head becoming a tomato on shoulders again.

"But don't worry," she said reassuringly. "Everything in our meetings is confidential."

I nodded, still feeling slightly queasy that she'd known about me for so long.

"I thought you might have closed up more if I had told you I'd known," Ms. Kelly said as if reading my thoughts.

No I understand, I signed.

Ms. Kelly sighed and looked at the clock on the wall behind her. "Our times almost up. I think this is a good place to stop."

We stood and shook hands, like every meeting, her smile a bit wider than usual. "I'm glad you're finally ready to start to speak again, Dan. My recommendation would be to start trying practice forming words with your mouth, just to get familiar with speaking again. Don't be too hard on yourself, though. You  probably won't be able to start saying any actually words for a bit."

I nodded. I understood it would be difficult, but it would be worth it. I would finally be able to talk to Phil.

"Okay, I set up a speech therapy class for you. See you next week."

Bye, I signed, walking out the door and shutting it softly behind me.

* * *

I stared up at my ceiling, thinking about the previous counseling session that had gone better than I'd planned. I'd thought she was going to ask a whole bunch of nosy question like usual, or phrase things differently in hopes that I would accidently let something slip. However over the years, I'd grown wise to her tricks; the best thing to do was to stay silent and not respond, which wasn't that hard in my case.

But this time, things went well- other than the whole gay thing that she'd apparently know about for a while anyways.

I picked at some of the dry paint on my arm.

I still didn't understand how some random stranger was going to get me to talk though.  

In the beginning, when I had stopped talking and after my parents had taken me to the doctor and found out there was no damage to my vocal chords, they'd gotten me a therapist: Ms. Kelly. She'd said I was probably shock from a traumatizing experience, and that was what had caused the current lack of speech. Both of my parents had turned to me for answers, but I wasn't willing to share.

Even still, I bet they're wondering- what did our son go through to turn him into that thing?

I picked at more of the paint on my arm, sat up and shuffled over to my desk. I turned on the lamp and flopped into the chair, pulling my sketchbook towards me.

Yesterday at school, it was the first day back from winter break, the first day I'd seen Phil since he brought me to the church. When I'd seen him in art, his hair half blonde and half his darkened roots, he'd smiled shyly at me- making my heart swell.

Only a few moments ago, I'd finished a painting of that smile, his Mona Lisa grin and lanky body leaning against the shattered mosaic glass of the church window- what the inside of Phil probably looked like.

I traced the outline of his form, careful not to smear the still wet paint.

He was so...

I shook my head smiling a bit to myself. Some days it felt like I would never figure that guy out, his complex ideas and confusing actions too much for my world. I felt as though he would never let me in, like he thought his inside window would cut me if I came too close.

I flipped a couple pages back, again careful of the paint, to find the taped in picture of Phil.

When he had given it to me that night at church, I'd be furious. How could he have been so cruel?

But when I'd opened it, I'd become hopeful. That maybe one day, Phil would feel the same twisted, heart tugging feeling I felt for him. That maybe one day I could have a do over- something different than what I had with Aaron.

I reached for my phone, unlocking the screen and tapping my "voice memos". I pressed "play" on the most recent one, Phil's agitated voice reverberating out of my speakers.

"...et je ne sais pas quoi faire jamais! Je ne sais pas comment canaliser ces sentiments ou quoi faire avec eux."

I closed my eyes, letting the mysterious words paint my ears.

"Je vous adore complètement et je ne sais pas comment vous le dire! S'il vous plaît!"

I opened my ear and turned off my phone, looking at the painting of Phil again. Even though I had recorded him with the intention, I hadn't dared translate the words he had said to me that night. I was worried at what I would find- be it good or bad. Plus Phil had told me he would tell me when he was ready. And I had to trust him, something I'd been lacking for a while.

Trust. Hmm. What a fickle thing, I thought.

As I stared at the painting I mouth Phil's name with my chapped lips- practicing.

Phil.

Phil.

Phil.

Why don't you just stop?

I blinked.

You'll never be able to do it, Dan.

I blinked again, slower, trying to place the voice in my head. It was one I hadn't heard for a very long time. Not since that horrible night in the creepy bathroom.

I blinked. Aaron.
Just quit Dan. He doesn't even care about you anyways.

Shut up, I thought.

You're so pathetic. I bet he'd be much better off being friends with Logan and Eli. At least they could actually hold a conversation with him.

Shut up! I thought.

You know I'm right. His imaginary voice prodded at the walls inside me, the ones keeping the fragile things inside me protected. You know he doesn't care about you. You know he's going to leave soon and never come back.  

Stop it! STOP IT! I thought pressing my hands against my ears, as if it would stop the voices in my head.

You know you should have just died in that bathtub that night.

I froze.

You know you should have, Dan.

I couldn't move. I hadn't contemplated suicide in a long time, much longer than Phil's been around. It would be ridiculous to start now. But...

What if Phil did leave?

He'd told me about his parents, and how they didn't stay in one place for long. What if he left?

I leaned back in my chair.

I'd never thought about what I would do if something happened to Phil. He'd just kind of grown into my life, something that was always there. Even when we were mad at one another I never questioned whether or not he would be there the next day. He would.

But for how much longer? Aaron's voice said.

I got up from the chair and laid down again, looking up at the ceiling.

I wasn't sure when I fell asleep, but the next thing I knew there was something brushing the backs of my hand and arm, like soft kisses.

"Again, Howell?" someone said.

Still groggy with sleep and blurry eyed, I lifted my head off my pillow to view the intruder.

Blonde was the first thing I saw, before a white t-shirt, and black jeans, and an angular face came into focus.

Phil was sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at the door. His finger was tracing small patterns across my forearm and back of my hand.

I swallowed as Phil turned to look at me.

Phil? What are you doing here? I signed.

He tilted his head, looking at me sideways. "You weren't at school today, so I came to check on you. You're not still moping around because you're mad at me, are you?"

I shook my head glancing at the clock on my bedside table.

6:37 pm.

I didn't bother wondering why my mum and dad didn't wake me up. They check out of my life a while ago.

Phil let out a long breath. "Well, that's good."

He stood up and walked to the door, as I sat up quickly.

You're not leaving are you?! I signed panicked, not sure which question I was really asking.

Phil turned back to look at me. "I was planning on it, so I could wash up and do some homework and all that jazz."

Still waking up, I swung my legs over the edge of my bed, noticing for the first time Phil's greasy form.

Why do you look like you just roll from out under a car? I asked wrinkling my nose.

Phil rolled his eyes. "Do you want to come over to mine? My mum probably wouldn't mind if you spend the night. I've never had the friend stay the night, so a surplus of 'oh dearies' is in order."

I looked at Phil as he leaned against the door frame, looking so comfortable and impossible like the creature he was. What would I do when he left? My previous ponderings came back to me, Aaron's malicious voice floating around in my subconscious.

"What are you thinking, Howell?" Phil asked.

Let's go to your house, I signed, ignoring his question.

He looked like he wanted to say more, but just shook his head and gestured to the door.

"After you, M'Lady." he said grinning.

I punched him in the arm as I walked by.

* * *

"Oh, I've been meaning to do this." Phil said.

I was laying on his bed staring up at the ceiling again- one of my favorite activities and something I could easily do in the comforts of my own room. I wasn't sure what compelled me to come to his house. Whether it was his familiar comforting presence, or the looming thoughts of today and Phil's possible departure, I wasn't certain.

Do what? I signed, rolling over onto my stomach, watching as Phil rummaged around on his haphazard desk.

"This." he said, pulling out a small black rectangular box.

And what is that? I signed.

"A dildo."

I felt my ears blush.

Phil laughed. "No stupid, it's hair dye. I'm getting really fucking sick and tired of this damn blonde so I thought I would dying it something different."

What color? I signed, rolling onto the floor and walking over to where Phil stood looking at the instructions on the box.

"It's a surprise." he said snatching the box away from my sight.

I rolled my eyes at his childishness.

"Will you help me?" he asked.

I nodded as he opened the box, pulled out the gloves and handed them to me.

I slipped them on as he mixed the appropriate powders and liquids into the corresponding bottles.

We did this in silence, until Phil handed me a bottle of blackish liquid.

"Okay, now just drizzle this onto my hair, and then just kind of 'massage it in'. Careful of my scalp though."

I nodded at his instructions, as he sat down at his desk chair, his back to me.

I stood staring at the mess of blonde and black curls atop his head, the bottle heavy in my hand.

"Howell?"

I started, walking closer the Phil, and applying a little of the black liquid to his hair, rubbing it in with the tips of my fingers.

Soon I found a rhythm.

Pour.

Mix.

Pour.

Mix.

Shake.

Pour.

Mix.

"You know, sometimes I forget you can't talk." Phil said suddenly.

I paused my rhythm.

"Like now, while we weren't talking I was thinking- jeez is he mad at me or something? But then I remembered..."

I nodded even though he couldn't see me, and continued dying his hair.

Pretty soon his entire head was covered in the strange black goop, my wrists slightly sticky from where the gloves didn't extend.

"Come on, let's go wash your hands while I wash my hair?" Phil said getting up from the chair.

I pulled off my gloves, wrapping them inside one another. Phil grabbed my hand, and tagged me along towards the bathroom.

I planted my feet. Phil turned his head to look at me.

Doesn't the dye have to set in first? I signed stalling.

Phil shook his head. "No, this one is a fast setting dye."

I hesitated.

"I be in there with you. Just don't look at the tub."

I nodded.

We entered the bathroom, my eyes avoiding the bathtub, as I headed straight for the sink. I scrubbed my hands together, humming to try and drown out the sound of rushing water behind me.

I turned off the tap and dried my hands, accidently looking up into the mirror.

Bathtub.

I felt the dizzy feel, the claustrophobic feeling closing in on me.

Flashes of silver and red.

Voices and screams.

This wont hurt, Dan. It did.

You'll be okay, Dan. I wasn't.

You're my friend, Dan. Friends should feel each others pain shouldn't they. No, they shouldn't. Not in that way.

"Hey, Howell?"

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I focused back in, seeing Phil standing behind me, towel over his head and a worried expression.

"You're here."

I shook my head, erasing my thoughts as I walked with him out of the bathroom, Phil following softly behind me.

I went and sat on the bed, watching a Phil turned off the bathroom light, and rubbed the towel over his head.

"You ready to see?" he asked. I could tell he was trying to distract me from the whole bathroom thing.

I nodded still feeling a bit queasy.

He removed the towel from his head, spreading his arms wide. "Ta-da!"

I blinked.

His rapunzel like locks were gone, now replaced with baby blue ones. They were soft and bouncy almost the same color of his eyes. He was stunning.

"Do you like it?" he asked, shy like.

I nodded eagerly.

"Wow," Phil said, shaking his hair out a bit. "We've told each other our secrets. We've dyed my hair. Now all we need to do is try on each others bras and it'll be a really sleep over."

As usual, I blushed.

AN:

i thorrowly disappointed in the lack of "take me to church" jokes last chapter, lol. Sorry i'm so late updating it's been like 3 WEEKS! sorry guys i know, im lame. 

In some more exciting new- after i finish //arms// im going to be posting a new phan fic. this one will feature a younger phil and a more shy phil and older dan. SO EXCITED FOR THE AGE GAP THOU I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT. 

also anyone wondering who Aaron is? or what's going on with phils past? or dan's? or why he's scared of bathrooms? or maybe when the frickle frack they're going to confess? OR WHY DIDN"T DAN TRANSLATE THE WORDS HE RECORDED SO IT WOULD SOLVE THE PREVIOUS PROBLEM LIKE DUDE WTF! 

lol. 

also if no one saw last time, you can follow my twitter for updates on when im going to post because i am very unreliable. oops. 

alright thats all until next week- (hopefully :D) 

Translations: 

...et je ne sais pas quoi faire jamais! Je ne sais pas comment canaliser ces sentiments ou quoi faire avec eux. = ... and I do not know what to do ever! I do not know how to channel these feelings or what to do with them.

Je vous adore complètement et je ne sais pas comment vous le dire! S'il vous plaît! = I love you completely and I do not know how you say it! Please!

Xxx- Eddy