Chapter Eleven - Dan:

"I called you parents to tell them you were alright," Phil said, coming back into his bedroom, drying his hair with a towel.

I couldn't believe I told him.

"Oh, and mum's buying pizza for us."

Of all the fucking stupid things to do.

"Howell?"

I can't believe I did it.

"Howell."

I just-

"Howell!"

I raised my eyes, chin resting on my knees, arms wrapped around my legs. I blew out a breath, my fringe flopping back over my eyes.

"You alright?"

I nodded. I really didn't want to be having this conversation. I knew that the entry I'd given him was vague at best, not giving any detail into what actually occurred, but I just could bring myself to.

I'm fine, I signed.

Phil snorted. "Like hell you are." He made a face. "Please talk to me."

I looked back up at him through my fringe, the towel slung around his neck, his hands tightly clenching each end.

"You know I never ask you to talk about anything you're uncomfortable with," he whispered. "But this..." he trailed off.

"This is important. I want to know- no- I need to know what happened that night. In the bathroom. However sappy that sounds."

I shook my head, testing my voice. "I can't." I breathed out.

In a flash, Phil was in front of me, bending down and taking my hand, and lifting my chin. My fingers were swallowed in his grasp, his hands so much bigger than mine.

"Do you trust me?" he asked.

I felt something warm set itself into my chest. It was the same feeling I'd been having all week- well more like all the time I've spent around Phil- everytime Phil brushed against me accidentally, or when he let me borrow his clothes that smelt of him- laundry soap and boy and something distinctly Phil- or when he would say things like he did now, making my heart flutter. Almost like it wanted to escape from my chest and stay nestled in his.

I blushed at my silly thoughts, and nodded at Phil.

He tugged my arms, pulling me into a standing position, walking backwards as he pulled me out of his room, and into his small bathroom.

I took a sharp breath, my body already panicking.

"Shhh," Phil said, squeezing my hands, staring at my eyes curiously. "I just want to try something. Hey, shhh, you're okay."

I shook my head. No, this was wrong. I had to get out of here, I couldn't be in here. No!

I managed to struggle out of Phil's grasp, only to be pulled back into his arms, my back to his chest, his breath ghosting over my neck and ears.

I gasped, my vision of reality overlapping with the events of two years ago.

(Trigger Warning: references to cutting and suicide and death)

"Howell," Aaron said, Phil's breath on my neck being replaced by his. "I'm going to get you, Hooooowwwelll."

I let out a sob.

"Howell, I know you love painting. How about I paint you a pretty picture. It'll have to be monochromatic though, because all I have is red. Sorry, Howelly."

I could hear the smile in his voice as he giggled, the pricks of something sharp digging into my arms and legs, as liquid trickled from my body, leaving me feeling weightless.

"I'm in pain, Danny," Aaron hissed. "So you should feel pain, too."

"No," I moaned. "Please, I've been hurting for so long. Please stop."

"Howell," Aaron said. "Do you know how I felt destroying you that night?"

I didn't answer.

"I felt elated, I was given so much power. Power over you."

"Stop," I cried.

"And then I killed myself. Probably all your fault, Danny."

"No."

"I'm never going to leave you. I'll always be the monster in your closet."

I heard him laugh.

Something began to surface in the back my mind. Something Phil had said on the walk back. I remember because I'm not going to become something like that. I'm going to be better, be something they wish they could be. I'm not going to be a monster like them.

I was so tired of living in fear of someone who only existed in my head. I was tired of never being able to love myself, of always having to justify the cruelty others and I put upon myself, because I "deserved it". I was tired of Phil always having something akin to pity in his eyes when he looked at me. I was tired of always trying to protect the box of fragile things inside me, afraid of them spilling over.

I was tired of living like the memory was happening now, instead of being just that: a memory.

I began to understand what Ms. Kelly had told me when I first went to see her, and I'd refused to answer any of her questions.

"Well," she'd said in her relentlessly patient voice. "If you won't answer my questions about that night, why don't you try answering this instead: our strongest memories are usually our worst because of the strong emotion connected to it- fear. So why is it then, if love is our strongest emotion, that you are more susceptible to this nightmare you keep living, instead of the lovely memories surrounding you?"

At the time I'd had no answer. But now that I thought about it, I knew: I relived this nightmare because I'd loved Aaron. I'd loved him with all my heart, with my entire being, which was why I couldn't let him go.

Even after all he did, I could never let him go. He would always be a part of my history. Even if I never could remember the good things. Even if I could remember that one night that tainted my memory of him forever. And tainted me.

I remember because I'm not going to become something like that.

Oh Phil... Phil was so good to me. He treated me like I was something that had been kept hidden from the world, collecting dust, only to be found again. He always smiled that lopsided grin at me, sometimes his tongue poking out at the corner. He was my friendly ghost, a giant puffy cloud on a summer's day, his skin almost transparently white, his eyes like the sky, two tiny bits of blue trying to peek through. That was where he keep his secrets, I was sure- his eyes only giving you a glimpse to the hidden dreams inside.

I liked Phil- there was no denying it- it was obvious. I'd liked him since the first day I'd met him.

"Aaron and Philly sitting in a tree, k-i-l-l-i-n-g," I heard Aaron mumble in jealousy.

Again I felt the tiredness seeping into my bones, my skin, my blood.

If only I loved him more than Aaron, then I-

Wait.

I could feel my mind whirling, like the rush I got when I looked at someone and knew I had to draw them.

Maybe that was the answer.

For two years, I'd been pining over a dead psychopath who haunted me at every turn.

Smooth moves, Dan.

But recently, Phil had been taking up more space in my head and in my heart. Was it possible that I could squeeze Aaron out? That instead of waking up thinking of cold, dead eyes, I could wake up to bright, blue ones?

Was I in love with Phil?

I could feel something stirring inside my heart.

"Danny, don't leave me," Aaron said, sounding scared.

I could feel something tugging, like a cord stretched tight. Yes, I thought. I was.

I felt something snap in my chest, something warm and cold dripping down my left breast bone, running out down my chest, and finally, down the drain.

"Danny!" Aaron called, his voice fading with each cry.

"Danny!"

"Dan!"

"Dan!"

My eyes flickered open.

(End Trigger Warning)

There was water surrounding me, sloshing about, as Phil and I sat in the cramped bathtub. My knees were raised in front of me, Phil legs framing mine, his chest pressed in my back and his arms around me. My breathing was shallow, as was Phil's, his forehead resting against the back of my head.

I was sitting in a bathtub, in water, in the bathroom and I felt... nothing. Of course, I still felt a prickle on the back of my neck thinking Aaron's watchful eyes were on me, and the ghost of his cold metal tools on my skin, but I didn't feel the fluttering panic in my chest like I always did.

"Dan..." Phil breathed.

I tapped Phil's knee. You called me 'Dan'. I signed, trying to ignore the shaking of my fingers.

Phil chuckled breathily. "I didn't think this was really a time for formalities."

I made a noise that was a cross between laugh and a hum. I tapped Phil's knee again. What happened? I signed.

I felt his breath tickle my neck.

"You... I brought you in here and then you just kind of spaced out, crying out for that fucking Aaron guy... I thought that maybe if..."

I could feel Phil's heart pounding as quick as mine.

"... After I'd rescued those two boys that were, you know, kissing? Well, the crows found out. Suddenly I was being pushed into closets, being told that's where I belonged and all, being called 'fag' and other nasty things."

I didn't know why Phil was telling me this.

"I went to see a counselor shortly after that- once my parents had found out what was going on."

I turned my head to look at him surprised.

I didn't know you had a counselor, I signed.

He smiled. "You never asked."

I smiled back softly.

"In my last session I asked her if she ever got any 'crazies'," Phil continued, using air quotes on the word "crazies".

I glared at him.

"Don't look at me like that, I was eleven."

I snorted.

"Anyways, she'd laughed and told me she got all kinds of people, with all sorts of problem. Then I asked her what was the best advice she'd ever giving someone. She told me that a lot of people she talked to had troubles with their past, that they were constantly reliving it in their head. She'd said that she always told her patients that in order to get past the event, they had to accept it. They were spending everyday in fear of reliving it, but silently reliving it always in their mind. She said I they had to find a way to 'face their fear, however that might be'."

I nodded.

"I thought that maybe if you relived your memory for real, instead of in your head, that it might help you overcome it- but now that I'm saying it out loud that sounds completely fucking stupid. Oh my god, I'm such a moron. How am I even your friend, Jesus Christ."

I sat stunned before I started laughing.

I laughed

and I laughed

and I laughed

and I laughed until tears were streaming down my face. I didn't know what was funny- nothing really was.

I think I was just happy. Happy that the Aaron thing was over for the time being, that Phil and I were okay, that Phil had finally come to the realization that he was indeed a moron sometimes.

I wiped my eyes with one of my raisiny fingers, and looked back at Phil.

You are an amazing creature, Philip Lester. I signed.

He looked at me oddly. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"I know even when you get your voice there are going to be things that we never talk about," he blurted. "But i hope-" he paused. "I hope that you will always know that I will be here to listen."

I felt that warm feeling in my chest again.

"Can I kiss you?" Phil asked quietly, everything about him soft and safe.

I nodded, as he leaned down to press our lips together.

I was scared now, as I sat in the bathtub, lips caught in Phils- but this time it was for different reason. I was no longer worried about being bound by Aaron's will, but by Phil's.

If my memories of him were what kept me sane, what would happen if he left?

* * *

We laid in Phil's bed, finally dry from the rain and our bathroom adventure. Our hands were intertwined, our legs tangled, and foreheads touching. The warm feeling was ablaze in my chest.

Phil let out a breath, blowing the fringe out of my eyes. I smiled at him.

"Look," he said. "I know this isn't really my forte, so just bear with me."

I propped myself up on one elbow, looking at him curiously.

He took a deep breath and said, "I want to talk about what's going on between us."

I shouldn't have been shocked, but I was. I wasn't used to Phil being so confrontational when it came to things like "feelings".

It must have shown on my face because Phil said, "But only this once."

I nodded waiting for him to continue.

"I... I think we both know that you've had a thing for me for a while. Although I'm still not sure if it's because you want to draw my eyes or you actually are just into me."

I felt myself blush as I ducked my head, smiling sheepishly at Phil.

"I know," he said smirking. "I'm irresistible."

I rolled my eyes and shoved his arm.

Oh shove off, I signed.

He smiled, but his eyes were far away again. "But in all seriousness, I really do like you Dan."

I felt winded. It all felt so much more real when Phil said those six words, like everything I'd been feeling for the past months was somehow justified in that sentence.

"I like that you don't let me push you around, like that time you punched me in the face and I had a black eye for a week," he said smiling fondly, rubbing the corner of his eye. "I like that you'll let me hold you and tuck your hair behind your ears for you. I like when you blush that pretty pink color all the way from your ears-" I felt Phil's finger poke the tip of my left ear, "- all the way down to your collarbones." I felt him trace his finger down my jaw to the base of my throat, to the top of my collarbone.

I swallowed, feeling like a thousand degrees were on me.

Phil flickered his eyes from his finger to my wide eyes. "I like when I make you embarrassed, and when I make you so happy that you smile so wide your eyes smile too. I like when you wear my sweaters and the sleeves are too long. I like when you let me cheer you up when you are sad."

"But most of all," Phil whispered, leaning in until his lips brushed my ear. "I like that I might falling for you harder than either of us may know."

I felt Phil lean back on his heels as I let out a shaky breath.

I looked at him as he looked back at me.

"I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and done a lot of things I regret. I've kissed a lot of girls but I've never- never been with anyone. Sexually."

I gaped at Phil as I realized what he meant. He'd never done it with- Oh boy. I felt a weight I hadn't even known was there being lifted from my heart. I felt light headed.

He cleared his throat. "Um, I'll be slow probably, unlike you..."

I tilted my head at him confused, until I realized what he'd implied.

Ah, no, no! I signed shaking my head. Aaron and I- we never- I blushed.

"Oh," Phil said raising his eyebrows, nodding. "Okay."

I nodded back, feeling awkward.

"Well, anyways, regardless of those kinds of things, I want to treat you right. I know I'm not always a good person, but I'm not a liar. I won't hurt you. Ever. You are everything to me. You are perfect. And before you say anything, yes, I know perfection is a matter of opinion. But in my opinion, you are the most beautiful, gentle, and wonder boy I have ever met. And what could be more perfect than that?"

I stared at him like he'd sprouted another head.

He was insane.

He was beyond crazy.

He was practically a raving lunatic.

But I was totally infatuated with him.

Philip Lester, I signed slowly. Who knew you were such a sap?

He rolled his eyes, before pinning me with another one of his stares.

I licked my lips and let out a shaky breath.

"So, what do you say?" Phil asked, looking down, rubbing his arm with one hand, and looking almost... nervous. "I confessed. What's your answer?"

Suddenly he looked scared. As if he really didn't think he wanted to know.

I took a deep breath, and licked my lips again.

"Ich... mag dich," I breathed.

And Phil's entire face lit up. Like that was all he could ever ask for.

AN: 

Surprise update! sooner than y'all thought huh? 

i'm trying to be more consistent. 

also good/sad news! ONLY FOUR CHAPTERS LEFT GUYS!!!!! 

after this fic i'll be posting another phanfic ( the medieval one i keep talking about)

LOOK FORWARD TO IT! 

alright i love you and thank you SO FREAKIN MUCH for 26k ITS FLIPPING CRAZY! 

i remember when I only had like 200 reads and i was like *insert horn sounds and #get reked and the glasses come down* 

wow 

alright hearts and kisses and hugs and all that jazz! 

TRANSLATION: Ich mag dich - I like you

-Xxx Eddy