"Arizona's coming over?"

I visited Sandra at St. Michael's where she works as the coach for the track and field team.

We were at the back of my car, eating hamburger and French fries.

"Yes, she is." I answered.

It was bright out in the field, with kids playing soccer or just sitting on the grass, talking.

"And she's planning to stay here for good?" She picked a long strand of fry and put it in her mouth.

"Yes."

Sandra wiped her hand with the napkin and smiled.

"Wow! She really is serious about you this time."

I finished the hamburger and crumpled the wrapper into a ball.

"That's why I need your help."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Get the house and Nanay ready."

She sipped from the large cup of Coke.

"How?"

"I don't know. Drop hints?"

"I see. You don't want Nanay to go into a rage of how upset she was when Arizona just stopped talking to you. Is that it?"

"Kinda."

"You understand she was hurt when that happened, right?"

"I do. She cares for us more than anyone else."

Sandra finished her drink.

"Arizona better not mess it up again this time." My sister got up and took the brown paper bag.

"Come on a Sunday after church. That way, she just got blessed and won't be as mad." She winked.

#

     Following my sister's advice, Arizona and I travelled to Cavite on a Sunday morning.

"I'm freaking nervous." Ari confessed.

"Is it just like the first time you met her?" I took my eyes off the road.

"It's worse." She touched my arm.

"What if she doesn't agree to this?"

I couldn't help but smile.

"Jules, it's not funny."

"Sorry. I'm just touched by how you cared about what my mother would think."

"She's your mom and I know how much your family means to you." She grew quiet.

"I want us to start on the right foot. It would make me happier if she agrees to this too."

"I understand, Ari. But even if she doesn't, it's still up to us how to make our relationship work."

Arizona looked out the window.

I know how much my mother's approval meant to her.

When I called to let Nanay know that we are coming over, I already got the brunt of her anger.

"She's here?" My mother asked in disbelief.

"Yes and she wants to meet with you and Tatay."

"Why?"

I told her about Arizona's plan to live in the Philippines for good.

"Haven't you learned your lesson?"

"Nay, it was a long time ago. I have forgiven her for what happened." I said calmly.

"What if she gets mad at you again? You know how she is. When she gets upset, she runs away. What's going to happen to you then?"

"It's going to be different this time." I answered.

"You don't know that for sure, Julia." She hung up.

I didn't tell Arizona about that conversation.

She's worried enough as it is.

But I also understand where my mother is coming from.

When Arizona and I broke up, I fell into depression.

If it weren't for Jax and Rose, I probably would have given up on med school also.

The two of them took turns taking care of me.

On days when I didn't want to get up in the morning, Rose was there to drag me out of bed, to make food and help me get ready.

Jax who is usually relax in class, took notes and helped me to study.

He also took me on road trips to distract myself from my pain.

When my parents visited me at the dorm, the shock in my mother's eyes made me ashamed.

She asked what I have done to myself.

I think I lost twenty pounds at the time and I'm already lean to begin with.

My mother's way of dealing with issues was to be angry about it.

She's not the caring and affectionate type.

Even in my brokenness, she was the same.

She reprimanded me for being crazy in love.

"Julia, she's not the only girl in the world. Why are you punishing yourself for what she did to you?

Her words only hurt more.

When they left, I crawled back to bed and cried myself to sleep.

I don't really see a future without Arizona.

We built our dreams together with the hope that eventually, we will see it through the end.

We were each other's inspiration until our aspiration drove us apart.

I studied too hard and she juggled work and school.

We were spreading ourselves too thin and doing our best to stay together.

When she said she wanted to break up with me, my world crumbled.

When she left, she took my heart and dashed my hopes.

I was in a dark place for a long time.

Memories of the two of us haunted every waking hour.

Loving is difficult.

I filled my thoughts with hopes that she would change her mind.

That she would come back.

I wrote countless letters and made lots of phone calls.

Both went unanswered.

I felt rejected.

Her disregard for my feelings made me question my worth.

How can she just leave me as if I didn't matter?

It didn't make sense to me.

No matter how I try to justify what she did, I still think I don't deserve to be neglected.

No one does.

It would have been easier if she told me we were over.

That finality would probably bring some sense to me.

But things were up in the air.

Not knowing whether she will come back or be gone forever gnawed in my mind like a septic wound.

Then one day, I woke up and instead of rushing to go to school, I remained on my bed and listened to the sounds outside the window.

The birds were singing and from a distance, I could hear laughter.

It made me realize how the world kept turning despite my pain.

The sun still rises and the sun sets after.

I was stuck because I was hurt.

My misery was not going to bring Arizona back.

I remembered what my mother said about punishing myself.

That day, I got out of bed without Rose coming to my dorm room and pulling the covers from my body.

I took a shower and with renewed energy, I told myself to concentrate on the reason why I want to get to med school—my dream.

Arizona was a part of that dream but she left.

I am still here.

I could still make that dream happen.

#

     I turned right towards a row of palm trees that would take us to the entrance to Crossing Heights.

Security asked for my ID before opening the gate.

The subdivision has Mediterranean-inspired two-level homes.

The identical structures differ only in size and the paint of the walls.

My parents' house is in a corner lot and in front was Sandra's trusty white Corolla.

I parked behind it and cut off the engine.

"Are you ready?" I asked Arizona.

She took a deep breath.

"Yes. Let's do this."