I can't write.

I've been staring at the screen and nothing is coming to me.

Not a word, an idea or an inspiration to get this thing going.

The movie company gave me a deadline to finish the script in a month.

They gave me a crash course in scriptwriting, expecting me to come up with at least ninety pages to make a feature film.

I don't know how to do this shit and time is ticking.

There are only twenty-five days left to my deadline and with every passing day, my frustration is mounting.

I know the book inside out but turning it into a movie is a whole different ballgame.

Aside from the movie, there was something else that kept bugging me—Julia.

When I left her that day, I sat in the car and cried.

She told me she still loves me.

I wanted to tell her I feel the same way but I couldn't say it because I said yes to Helena.

What mess did I get myself into?

After she left to go back to California, my phone rang.

It was Liz.

She told me about the movie.

I told her about my engagement.

"What? Why?"

Her response surprised me because I thought she'd be excited.

"What kind of question is that?" I asked, annoyed.

"Arizona, I'm just shock that's all." She explained.

"What's shocking about it? We've been dating for a long time, she proposed and..."
"And you said no the first time."

I paced around the room.

"Well, I changed my mind."

"Good God! Are you sure about this?"

"Liz, you were the one who introduced us. Why are you acting this way?"

"Because there's a reason why you didn't accept the first time."

"What is that reason?"

"I don't know. Maybe you're not meant to marry her?"

I took a deep breath, exasperated at how the news was taken.

Liz wasn't the only one.

When I returned to California, Luke and Regina picked me up from the airport.

I told them the news as soon as I got inside the car.

Regina slammed on the brake causing me and Luke to lurched forward on the seat.

"Sorry." She glanced at the rearview mirror.

Only Dad was cool about it.

He was at home, making lunch.

"Guess who's getting married?" Luke announced when he entered the kitchen.

"You?" Dad turned around but kept stirring the pan, the aroma of fried garlic permeating in the air.

Luke pointed towards me.

"So, you changed your mind about the proposal?"

"Yes."

"Okay." That was all he said.

I wasn't sure if he was using reverse psychology on me.

But when we all sat down to eat, he asked when the wedding would be.

"We don't have a date yet." I took the bowl of salad from Regina who was quiet during the conversation.

After lunch, I helped her with the dishes and she still hasn't said anything.

It wasn't normal for her.

She was usually one to talk and ask questions.

"What's wrong?" I asked while I dried the dishes.

"Nothing."

I rolled my eyes.

"It's not nothing when you're all silent about it." I tossed the towel on the counter, my frustration slowly showing.

She stopped scrubbing the plate to look at me.

"Don't you think there's something wrong with this?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"She looked like Julia, she's into basketball like Julia and she has you for a girlfriend and now a fiancé. Tell me what's common in this scenario."

"But she is not Julia, Regina. Helena is a different person."

"Do you really love her?"

I didn't answer, my silence fueling the tension that was building up between us.

"See, it's a simple question and yet you can't answer right away.

She turned the tap on to wash the soap from her hands.

I watched her quietly.

My stepmother is older now, her black hair mixed with white.

"Arizona," she grabbed the towel and dried her hands.

"I don't want you to make a mistake. Marriage is a big commitment. It's not something you do and then when you realize you don't like it, you run away again. You have to stick around to actually make it work."

When I returned to my apartment, I thought of what Regina said to me.

It wasn't Helena's fault that she looked a lot like Julia.

The physical was just a coincidence.

When Lolo and Lola noticed it, they didn't say anything because Helena was around.

"It's weird." Lola said to me one night.

"They could be sisters and I wouldn't know the difference."

Helena's personality was different.

While she was warm and charming, Julia was quiet and reserved.

Helena knows a lot of people because she was open and always had a ready smile.

Julia had her loyal set of friends and they are similar in that aspect.

I am bothered at the comparison and the opposition.

The remarks made me feel like I'm only with Helena because she reminds me so much of Julia.

That wasn't true.

I learned to love her the more she showed how much she cares for me.

I think therein lies the biggest difference.

With Julia, I jumped headfirst and followed my heart.

I was afraid of what was going to happen or not happen but that didn't stop me from going after her.

#

I glanced at the time on the screen.

More than half an hour passed and I still don't have anything.

I thought of Julia and how I just left her again.

It was devastating to see how heartbroken she was.

The door was still ajar.

There are more questions in there now.

Questions that demand answers, beginnings begging for endings.

She was a story I couldn't finish, a chapter I couldn't move on from.

It's like having the worst kind of writer's block.

Even when I made the decision to marry Helena, a shadow casts a doubt as to whether I'm doing the right thing.

Liz was shocked to learn about it.

Regina was skeptical.

Didn't I show Helena enough love to make them believe that what I feel was genuine?

I stood up and took my phone from the nightstand to look at the message from Julia.

Ten words and a kissing emoji.

That's all I have.

I memorized the text and imagined how she looked like when she wrote it.

Was she smiling? Blushing? Flirty?

I tossed the phone back on the bed.

This is mess up.

I am getting married in two months.

Because of the movie, I asked Helena to hold off on the wedding preparations till I'm done with the script.

As usual, she was understanding.

"No worries. Do what you have to do and I'll be here."

Why does she have to be so fucking patient?

I wished she were awful so it would be easy to dump her.

But she was the sweetest thing.

I feel terrible that I'm so torn.

#

I sat back on the desk and stared at the screen again.

Because of the deadline, I decided to stay at my apartment to work on the script.

I should have stick to writing in cabins close to the ocean.

There's no Internet and I'm forced to focus on what I'm doing.

"Fuck this!" I slammed the laptop shut and grabbed my jacket.

I don't know where I'm going but I had to get out of my room.

Grabbing the keys hanging on the wall, I ran to the parking lot and got in my car.