Julia looked flustered when she entered the office.

"How did you know where I was?"

I told her I called the clinic.

Her expression changed to concern when she saw me.

"Is everything okay?" She closed the door behind her.

"Yeah. Everything's fine."

"God! I thought something happened to your Lolo." She pulled the chair and sat across from me.

"So, what brought you here?"

"I wanted to talk to you before I leave." I began.

"You're leaving?"

I nodded.

"Why?"

The question caught me off-guard.

"Jules, you know I'm only visiting."

"I know but why so sudden?"

I told her about the movie deal.

"It's a go and the movie company wanted me to write the script."

"I see." I heard the sadness in her voice.

I took her hand and squeezed it tight.

"I wanted to tell you personally."

"Are you okay?"

She shook her head.

"I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke at my expense."

"Why? What's going on?"
She told me about Shay and what happened with her boss.

"Now, you are leaving me when we are just starting to know each other again."

The knot in my chest tightened.

"There is something else I want to tell you."

She inhaled.

"Go ahead. May as well keep it coming."

"I'm getting married to Helena."

"Who?"

"She's my girlfriend."

"Fuck!" She yelled.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier."

Her lips trembled and the tears rolled down her cheeks.

I pulled her towards me as she cried in silence.

#

     Years ago, I was in the same position.

I couldn't stop myself from crying when I went back to California two days after I broke up with her.

It was as if I have unlocked a fountain of tears that couldn't stop producing more no matter how I told myself to keep it together.

I saw myself in Julia as she cried in my arms.

She was going through a lot of things and I felt terrible for telling her the news.

But when Helena followed me to Manila, I realized how much I meant to her.

It would be a mistake to throw everything away.

She was faithful and understanding of my ever-changing moods and the demands of my career.

She showed me love when I thought I would never find it again.

She made me realized how lonely I was.

I spent time with her during her visit and the comfort of the familiar put me at ease.

Helena tried the local delicacy like balut and kwek-kwek, deep fried egg coated with orange colored batter.

She told me she got vaccinated before she travelled to Manila.

Nevertheless, when we returned to her hotel, she run to the bathroom and threw up.

I stayed with her till she felt better.

I also introduced her to my grandfather who had the same reaction as Lola when he saw Helena.

"You look just like..." He blurted but I shook my head.

"Okay. Now who is this twin of mine you've been talking about?"

"Why don't I tell you some other time?"

"Okay."

We all sat for dinner where Lolo interviewed her.

When she mentioned that she coaches a girl's basketball team, Lolo looked at me but kept quiet.

I know what he was going to say and I was thankful he didn't.

After she left to go back to the hotel, Lolo talked to me.

"Was it just a coincidence that she looks so much like Julia?"

I nodded.

"Do you love her, hija?" It was the first time Lolo asked me that question.

"I think so." I replied.

"You're no longer sixteen. I trust you know what you're doing." He patted my knee then stood up to go upstairs.

On the night she was supposed to leave, Helena told me how she would wait till I'm ready.

"I'm not going to do another proposal for fear you will run away again." She took the suitcase out of the closet and started packing her clothes.

I was sitting on the bed, watching her.

"What if I say yes to you now?"

"Then that would be wonderful."

She thought I was kidding.

When I repeated what I said, Helena drew me to her and kissed me on the lips.

"Are you sure about this?" She was crying when she let go.

I nodded.

"Oh my God!" She threw her hands in the air then kissed me again.

She was so happy.

I was happy too.

But when the excitement died down, I wondered if I did the right thing.

#

"Is this it for us?" Julia raised her head, her face wet from crying.

"I don't know." I replied.

She stood up and grabbed the box of tissue.

I watched as she blew her nose and listened to her sniffling.

Julia had her back turned to me.

The confident stance the first time I saw her again was gone.

Her head was bowed, shoulders shaking while she cried.

I stood up and wrapped my arms around her.

"What are you doing, Ari?"

"I'm scared, Jules."

She turned around and I released her from my embrace.

Her breath was warm against my face.

"Then why are you marrying her?"

"Because it's the right thing to do." I answered.

She shook her head.

"Do you really love her?"

I didn't answer.

"Why do you have to be so complicated?" She pulled me close to her.

"It's just how I am." I touched her cheek, tears pooling once again in the corner of her eyes.

"You've gotten complicated too." I said to her, wiping the tear that rolled down her cheek.

"People change." She smiled, weakly.

"So what do we now?"

"I guess this is the part where we say goodbye?" Her lips quivered.

Hearing that word cuts like a knife.

I didn't say goodbye when I left her years ago, leaving everything open for us and moving on even harder.

It was a biq question mark.

What if I pick up the phone and call her?

What if I answer her letter?

What if I show up at her door and tell her I'm sorry and I want her back?

What if she doesn't love me anymore?

What if she's with someone else who loves her more than I do?

I didn't shut the door.

Instead, I left it ajar letting the questions float in the unknown.

I still can't say goodbye to her, with her standing so close to me, so vulnerable and sad.

"Arizona?" She was staring at me.

I moved closer then kissed her lips.

Tears rolled down her face and I felt my own mixing with hers.

I tasted the salt and the bittersweet emotion of a heart torn by what she thinks is the right thing to do.

It was Julia who pulled away this time.

"Helena is waiting for you." She whispered.

I let go of her.

I was about to turn my back when she called my name.

"I still love you."

The words battered my heart like a sledgehammer tearing down the walls I built to protect myself.

I looked at Julia, my heart broken by her confession.

I wanted to tell her the same thing but I didn't.

Instead, I walked out the door, carrying the weight of my pain.