Arizona stood in the doorway wearing a purple kimono and a puzzled expression.

"Is everything okay?" She was still holding on to the doorknob, blocking the entrance to the bedroom.

"I can't sleep."

A smile formed on her lips remembering how I used to be when we were young.

I never got over the feeling of discomfort when I'm in someone else's house.

"Come on in." She removed her hand from the doorknob, stepping aside to let me in.

I stood between the bed and the armchair.

The light was on in her room and I noticed the old Trinitron flat screen TV was gone same with the VHS player.

The drapes matched the white and aquamarine color of the bedspread and the pillowcases on the queen-sized bed.

"I can sleep here." I pointed towards the chair.

Arizona closed the door gently.

"Don't be silly. You can sleep on the bed." She walked towards the bed picking up the blanket that fell on the floor.

"I am embarrassed that I still haven't gotten over this thing."

"Jules, you have nothing to be ashamed of. That's who you are and I love that about you."

I scratched the back of my head.

Her words just come right out of her mouth.

I should not be surprised.

Self-control wasn't Ari's strength.

One of the things that attracted me to her was how bold she was.

In high school, she got into a lot of fights during our games.

She always stood up for herself and for our teammates.

Even when she's wrong, she still fights.

Ari patted the right side of the bed.

"I'll sleep here."

"Do you want a change of clothes?" She was looking at my outfit.

"I think I'll be okay."

Arizona shook her head.

"You'll sleep better after you had a shower." She opened the closet and took out a pair of light blue pajamas.

"Here. I hope this fit."

"You'll find out in a sec." I smiled, taking the pajamas from her.

Our hands touched and there was that slight tingle in my skin when it happened.

We looked at each other but didn't say anything.

"You know where the shower is, right?"

I nodded.

#

When I saw Arizona at HeartHealth, I hid my surprise.

The last time we saw each other wasn't under the best circumstance.

She broke up with me.

I begged her not to but her mind was made up.

This was when she rebooked her flight twice because of my schedule.

I still think that was the straw that broke her fragile back.

When I picked her up at the airport, she wasn't her usual jovial self.

She gave me her suitcase and quietly boarded the car.

I apologized because I was swamped with schoolwork.

Aside from my upcoming exams, Dr. Andrade, one of our professors, took me to Santos Gen so I can observe her surgeries.

I learned a lot while watching at the theater and it made studying easier.

But spending my time with my soon-to-be boss took a lot from my personal time with Arizona.

She knew what was going on because it was in my letters and e-mails.

But I could tell that I was testing her limited supply of patience.

Unlike before when she would readily say she understood, there were long pauses on the other line whenever I mentioned my activities in school.

If I said something she didn't like, she snapped at me.

It was tempting to lose my patience but I held back.

She was tired and jetlagged.

But even after she had rested, Arizona was sullen and withdrawn.

We were at a restaurant when she lost her temper after the waiter served fried rice instead of chow mien noodles for the stir-fried chicken and vegetables she ordered.

I was embarrassed because the other customers were looking at us but I kept quiet.

I knew if I said something, it would upset her more.

She stormed out of the restaurant, the poor waiter red in the face from being humiliated.

I followed her outside and asked what's wrong.

She said things are not working out and we should call it quits.

"Ari," I reached for her hand but she pulled away.

"Why don't you think about this first? Maybe tomorrow, you'll feel better."

"Jules, how many flights to I have to reschedule just to be with you? How much money do I have to waste? How many overtime hours do I have to pull off? How many all-nighters do I have to spend to stay on top of my class? Tell me!" She yelled.

I looked at Arizona and saw how much weight she lost.

She was gaunt, the hollowed cheeks and the dark circles in her eyes highlighted by her pale skin.

Her tall frame made her more skeletal and I felt pity for my girlfriend.

We are both suffering but she was making more of the sacrifice because she was the only one who can fly back and forth.

She didn't want to ask her dad for money that's why she chose to work part-time.

He offered to give her a loan but after Regina had Luke, he suffered from asthma so she extended her maternity leave to care for him.

His income was just enough to support them.

But Arizona has always been proud, competitive and passionate.

She also wanted to prove to me that she didn't go to college just to say she did.

I don't care if she got a D minus but she said she was encouraged by what I achieved in school.

"I want you to be proud of me, love."

Add to that the emotional toll of being far from each other and we are heading for a breakdown.

I didn't agree with what she wanted.

We left the parking lot, the issue unresolved.

The driver brought her back to the mansion and I went home.

The next morning, she called to tell me she was leaving in two days and that she didn't want me to take her to the airport.

It was the last time I heard from her.

#

"What happened to us, Jules?"

We were lying in bed, the lights turned off, with only the street lamp casting long shadows on the walls.

"We broke under pressure." I answered.

"I thought love was enough to get us through." She turned to her right to face me.

In the dim glow of the light I couldn't see her eyes.

"Someone wrote a song about that."

"What song?"

"Sometimes love just ain't enough."

She chuckled, the sound echoing in the silence of the night.

"I miss your laugh."

Arizona didn't answer.

I propped my elbow and placed my head in my hand.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out between us."

I touched her cheek, trailing my thumb along her jawline.

When she didn't answer, I thought she fell asleep.

"Good night, Ari." I was about to lie on my back when I felt her move.

"I'm sorry too, Jules."

She was so close to me.

I could hear her breathing and the smell of vanilla flooded me with memories--her arms around me while she sat of my lap, the smell of her shirt after she just took it off, my nose buried on her neck breathing in her scent.

I was so in love with her I didn't want to let go.

Back then I thought I could hold her hand forever and everything will be okay.

When she let go, I wasn't okay for a long time.

She was the one I thought would stand by me no matter what.

When she left without saying goodbye, there was a gaping hole in my heart that didn't heal.

Now that she's back, the hole reopened.

With it, the hopes and shattered promises came oozing out.

I don't know what to do with these old wounds.

I am a heart surgeon who was at a loss to deal with her own condition.

#

Arizona moved closer and she touched my cheek, her palm soft against my skin.

I kissed it, hearing her suck in her breath when I did so.

"Jules," She whispered.

I let go of her hand and kissed her lips.

There was a moment of panic when I realized what I did but when she opened her mouth, I couldn't stop.

Our kiss brought me back to the time when I felt nothing could ever go wrong between us, that even if l lost myself in her kiss, Arizona would be there to catch me.

I was hurtling down the tracks, surrendering my control to a fantasy I held on to during the early days of our break-up—that she and I are bound to be together and she will come back.

She didn't.

For years, I was left to wonder if she really cared about me or if what we had mattered.

When it dawned on me that I'm not going to hear from her again, I got angry at myself and at then at her.

I chided myself for being foolish.

She didn't want to stay in the Philippines anyway.

What gave me the idea that she would stick with me?

Arizona needs to be free.

I am not enough to make her stay.

The troublesome thoughts overpowered the feeling of her kiss.

I had trouble breathing so I pulled away.