[ chapter 41]
silver & gold

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

YUGEYOM only asks when the leaves of his shoulders still and the pink rimming his eyes dull, splotching white.

not a sound passes his lips, instead, his eyes are quiet, imploring. long fingers are sifting his frame to the bench, that then seemed terribly welcoming despite its aged skin twisting at the hems.

he should speak now. tell yugyeom of his father's horrible ways and his own exhausting compliance. and the overwhelming remorse that had throttled him once he'd thrown the very man before him to the curb, heart stoned with ebony negligence.

and maybe, then he could speak about the quivering ruby lips and winged eyes that curl at the edges of his dreams, silent and waiting.

so he does.

lets the shame spill from his lips, inked black and so utterly vile that it burns. scorches his chin and branches fire at his neck, and it's hot again, flaming guilt pressing at the edges of his eyes till they fill, dripping charcoal against the yellow of yugyeom's shirt.

"father told me to yugeyom!" he stammers through blotched vision, "he said if i didn't stop being friend's with you he'd kick me out and you know- you know how hard i've worked for this. believe me, if i had the power i wouldn't have left you!"

the man's face is blank, stoned from any flicker of emotion and the sight is both a relief and bullet to the heart. jeongguk isn't entirely sure if he's ready to face the younger's fury nor his negligence - ironic as it was -.

"you left me at when i needed you most jeongguk." he reprimands, tender yet bruising enough to fill his eyes one again and stir the tremors in his shoulders, "and i understand why you did what you did, even if it was a bit self-indulgent, i'd do the same if i were you."

a pause.

jeongguk's ignorant to the catch in his breath, chest taught with anxiety.

"i don't forgive you though...not yet at least. i'd just been dumped by the love of my life and you weren't there jeongguk, you left me like she did and it fucking hurt-"

"i know." he consoles, stomach churning at the way the younger's eyes fill and his lips quiver, "i know and i'm so sorry, you didn't deserve that.

yugyeom sniffles, fingers swiping at the undersides of his eyelids and jeongguk almost buckles to the floor at the sight. how many tears had soddened the fabrics of his pillows, those meant for his own shirt? how torn had his heart been when'd he left him, shredded in ragged slabs?

"i'm sorry," jeongguk apologises again, and the words almost seem bland on his tongue, dated and hollow, "for getting you caught up in this mess. if you hadn't been friends with me, you'd be probably be living the dream right now. i'm sorry you have to deal with this."

there's silence once again.

and jeongguk just wants to cry now, let his shoulders shake until he'd feel them no more and his eyes would fill with the shame and the guilt of his harbours of hate, hate, hate for himself.

even if what he said were true - and it was, he was a mere nuisance in the other's life - it hurt to see the yugyeom agree. he had been one of the few friends he'd known since the days of his soiled nappies and giggling pacifiers.

"but you wouldn't have ever gotten that scar if we hadn't," yugyeom murmurs, the first to speak.

there's a tender fondness to his words as his fingers reach up to point at the imperfection at his cheek. jeongguk's eyes are as wide as saucers, still and unmoving.

"and that's one hell of a story that you couldn't tell."

he wants to say something snarky then. see the way the younger's eyes would tip into gentle crescents, the skin at the corners wrinkled. maybe, he'd laugh too. that crow-like laughter they'd been both compared to, unnervingly alike.

"for what's it worth, i wish i could turn back time and undo all my mistakes." he murmurs softly, "instead i'll spend my entire life apologising until we're brothers again."

a pause once again. longer than any they'd sat through yet.

"we never stopped being brothers jeongguk." yuegyom says, raising a palm to his shoulder, "never."

the words are meant to console him, return the warmth to his papered skin, that had been lost the day he'd turned his back on the only man who'd stood by him. instead, they only further douse him with shame, for who was he to deserve such clemency? pardon he was unbefitting to.

"no." he says, shaking his head and raising his eyes to stare almost pleadingly up at the other, "don't forgive me, i don't deserve it. i've hurt so many people yugyeom, you, hanuel-"

"hey."

there's a firmness to his words, a stern reprimand that almost reminds him of his own father and for a moment jeongguk's flinching back, awaiting the verbal lashing.

"i can't forgive you if you think like that."

"w-what?"

"if you can't forgive yourself, how can you expect me to?"

quiet.

yugyeom sighs, heavy and long, "jeongguk, look at me."

he does. waiting.

"you're not a monster." he says softly, "we all make mistakes, hurt people. that's part of being human. sure, some of us fuck up a lot more than others and with greater consequences, but that doesn't suddenly define them as some grotesque, evil creature. does it?"

"no," he denies, shaking his head, "but-"

"look at yourself, i've never someone so apologetic before. in the kindest way possible, you're a mess. literally two people in my whole entire have cried for me and the fact that you are, it makes a man feel wanted and if that's not enough, i don't what is."

his lips press hard against one another, punishing almost as he listens. for a second, jeongguk believes him. that maybe he isn't his father's frakenstein, embroidered with commands and stuffed with success, and nothing but.

surely, yugyeom was not right. his father had told him otherwise. sneered insults from his whetted tridents, till he bled for eternity, an expanse of calamine tears.

no, no. he's not forgiven. he can't be forgiven.

"hanuel-"

"-loved you." yugyeom says quietly," she might've not shown it very well, but she did."

jeongguk can do nothing else but nod with bloodied eyes, words crackling and hoarse, "i know. and i did too...i-i'm sorry, yugeyom please...believe i'm so sor-"

he's not entirely sure when he'd started crying, but he likes it. the salt, bitter at the curves of his mouth, like the sins carved in his palms.

but yugyeom merely shakes his head, fingers curling beneath his own, heavy and almost grounding. holding him upright.

"i don't need to hear this. she does, jeongguk. it's the least she deserves after you dumped her on her best friend's wedding day."

he flinches as if the words had burnt him, scarred his arms in the heinous consent of his wishes.

"stop blaming yourself, guk." yugeom murmurs tenderly, "it won't make a difference to what she felt. nothing will erase the past, what's done is done. tell me, what's the point of mourning about something you can't change?"

he has no reply. instead, he keeps his head bowed, eyes trained on the gentle patterns of the younger's fingers on his palm.

"exactly. move on jeongguk."

and something within him does. or had.

for his heart did not see feline eyes and wine-red lips. not anymore it did not.

no, his heart saw pouty, rose lips and great, bronze does eyes. saw ivory curls and caramel moles. saw a smile as sweet as the milk of the moon and tan cheeks as full as the apples during summer.

his heart saw kim taehyung, the boy with hair the colour of silver and a smile that bled gold.

~

[a/n]

this chapter really shows a different side of jeongguk. he's more vulnerable and straight-up in front of yugeyom. i want you guys to take note of his own pain and how he deals with that.

so i'm not even french but my french teacher was playing us french music and i just fell in love with 'pompom' by aya nakamura. check it out <33

p.s. who else got major book thief vibes from the last sentence?

my consistency is having you shook ^ 😎✊