Shuichi adjusted his trusty hat.

Time to go to the 'shitstains' (as Kichi describes them) that is the PTA meetings.

Surely they couldn't be that bad!

Right?

---------------------

Shuichi sat down next to Kokichi.

He recognized his former classmates, and Kokichi had told him about the other PTA members.

"Ah! Assassin-chan finally decided to join us!" Kokichi called out, cupping a hand over his mouth.

"A-A-Assassin?!" Karen whispered, stuttering. No one paid any attention to her.

Maki sent him one of her famous death glares, "Don't call me that."

"B-but Maki roll!" Kokichi had crocodile tears in his eyes.

Maki intensified her glare.

"Dad, no," Kiyomi sighed.

Shuichi shook his head, laying it on his arms.

Linda perked up,"Oh? Are you a family friend of Kiyomi?"

Shuichi blinked, turning to Kokichi, then back at Linda, "Wait, you didn't tell her?"

Rantaro tapped the rings on his fingers against the table, "Homophobia's a bitch."

Shuichi sighed, "Of course."

Sasha smiled, "So you are a family friend! Kokichi never mentioned you before, so we can only assume that."

The former classmates and their kids cringed.

Shuichi shut his eyes, waving the gold ring on his hand, "Actually, I'm Kokichi's husband and Kiyomi's other father. But, if this school, Westerburg, I believe, really is as welcoming as you say it is, it won't be a problem." He opened his eyes in a glare, "Right?"

Linda and the other homophobics looked visibly shaken.

"Alright, let's get started on the vaccine problem again!" Linda quickly started the meeting, "Ban them so our kids won't get autism!"

Shuichi groaned, sneaking a quick glance at Korekiyo, the two of them formulating a plan only using their eyes.

"There is literally no evidence whatsoever that vaccines cause autism," Shuichi deadpanned.

Linda growled, "Of course there is!"

"Like what?"

"I don't have to explain it to someone like you, you faggot!"

Kokichi smiled one of his signature creepy smiles, "You mind saying that again?"

Linda stumbled, before regaining her posture.

Shuichi leaned on one arm, "Ouch. Being insulted by someone who doesn't know how to use make up. So insulting." He waved at his eyeliner, "This is how you do eyeliner. Not that sloppy mess on your face. Also, Rantaro, tell me you see her nails too, right?"

Rantaro slammed his face on the table before quickly pulling back up, waving his arms around, "Girl, you do not fill in your cuticles! Your manicure will last way longer if you don't! Also it looks like you put a matte top coat on, which would be fine normally, but you put it on top of a holographic top coat. What's the point of even putting on the top coat then?! And you tried to make a gradient with holo and creme! You don't do that! Plus that free style looks horrendous. Have you ever heard of nail vinyls? It's okay to admit you're bad at free style. No one's gonna judge you." He moved his arms around dramatically, relieved to finally be able to rant about the bad nail polish job.

Linda turned bright red, "What do you know?"

Rantaro stared at her, "I have twelve sisters. If you think I don't know how to paint nails, you're disowned from life."

Sasha stood up, "The diseases that the vaccines prevent are long gone! They've been gone for a while! They're not gonna come back!"

Shuichi and Korekiyo both stood up at once.

"Shin, help me with this?"

"Of course."

Shuichi turned to Korekiyo, "Hello, can I get my steak super raw? Like, not even cooked at all?"

Korekiyo tilted his head, "But you'll get sick-"

"Who cares? Nobody's gotten sick from raw meat in a long time. It's fine!"

Sasha interjected, "That's stupid! Just because it's gone now doesn't mean it can come back!" Her statement slowly dawned on her.

Korekiyo smiled underneath his mask, "Take what you just said and apply it to your own claim. Good day."

They both sat down.

Kokichi leaned over to Shuichi, whispering, "This is why I love you."

Kiyomi overheard and blurted out, "Dad, that's gay."

Both Kokichi and Shuichi turned to her, "Kiyomi, I'm gay."

Kiyomi nodded, "Understandable, have a nice day!"

Kaito had his head on the table while Haruki pat his back. Maki had a thumb up in the air.

"U-Um, m-maybe we should t-talj about something else?" Haruki stuttered. Kaito lifted his head, and wrapped his arms around his child, whispering soft, lovey-dovey things. ("I'll always protect you and Makiroll, precious child." "Dad, not here.") Maki shook her head.

Helen pushed Sasha down, also standing up, "Yes, I would like to address something my child brought up!" She motioned for her daughter, Christine, to speak.

Christine bit her lip, staring with a tired glance at the wall. (A/N: She's staring right at you. Spooky Wooky)

"I'd like for the school to host a play or musical," Christine stated, "I love play rehearsal, but we're not really rehearsing for anything."

The parents went over some musicals that were appropriate for the kids, and eventually decided on a musical adaptation of Cinderella.

"We need someone to play the music," Helen stated, "Preferably someone who can play piano."

A large smile appeared on Shuichi's face. Maki glanced at him, "Shuichi, no."

"Oh, someone who can play piano?" Shuichi tilted his head, still smiling, "Like the famous pianist, Kaede Akamatsu?"

Paul lit up, "She's actually my favorite pianist, but why would she come here? To a small school nonetheless?"

Shuichi pulled out his phone, still smiling. He held it up to his mouth, turning on Siri, "Siri, call Best Friend, Kaede Akamatsu."

Maki sighed, leaning into Kaito, who shook his head, whispering, "I thought I was your best friend." Betrayal laced his voice.

The other adults froze. Paul stood up, "Wait, Kaede Akamatsu?"

Shuichi stared at him, turning on speaker, "Be quiet for a moment?"

Ring.

Ring.

"Yo, Shuichi! What's up?" All the adults, excluding the former classmates and their kids, started silently fangirling/fanboying.

"Hey, Kaede!"

"Boy, I haven't seen you for a month! We totally need to meet up again! I need to rant about gir-"

"Actually, I'd like to ask you to do me a favor."

"Oh, what is it?"

"Kiyomi's school needs a pianist for an upcoming school play. Would you mind playing the piano for them?"

"Of course not! Shuichi, I love kids! Unlike Maki!" Maki glared at the phone.

"That's great! Can you come to (Insert address here) next Sunday at 7 pm? That's when the next Parent Teacher Association meeting is."

"Wait, hold up for a sec. (Muttering). Alright, got it! I'll be there! You better be there too, or I'm slapping a bitc-"

Shuichi hung up, smiling widely at the adults.

Kokichi snorted.

Paul's jaw was basically touching the floor by this point, "What? T-That's Kaede Akamatsu? The real Kaede Akamatsu? That's definitely her voice. H-How do you know her?"

The six former ultimates stared at him, "Former classmates."

Shuichi looked at the clock.

Still got an hour to go.

Great.

-----------

Shuichi immediately collapsed facedown onto the bed after putting Kiyomi to sleep, "That was as much as a shitstain as you described it."

Kokichi sat down next to him, taking off Shuichi's hat and petting his hair, "Aren't I always right?"

A muffled voice, "No."

Kokichi gasped, placing a hand to his chest, "Gasp."

"Did you seriously just say gasp out loud?" Shuichi pushed his head off the bed, leaning on his arms.

Kokichi leaned back, placing his remaining hand to his forehead, "I've betrayed by my own husband!"

"That's just how it is in this bitch of a world."

They stared at one another for a moment, before bursting into incoherent giggles.

"Ah, so Kaede's coming to the next shitshow?" Kokichi pulled Shuichi into a spooning position. ("I'm the big spoon usually, Kokichi, what are you doing right now?")

Shuichi nodded, pulling the blankets up.

Kokichi smiled, "She has no idea what she's getting herself into."