3 months ago
'Real world'

"So, what did the pretty doctor say?"

That is the question she gets as soon as she steps inside their shared apartment, coming from her best friend. After experiencing the same symptoms she had back then again, she went straight to the hospital for a check-up. It was the doctor she had known due to the high frequency of her visits to the hospital, and she had hoped that she would not have to see her after she was finally done with her treatments. Unfortunately, she has been feeling dull headaches and nausea lately, and she fears for the worst as she came to the hospital.

"Want to make a guess?" she tries to say it lightly as she goes over to the fridge, searching for a can of soda and snapping it open. She gulps almost half while standing up, then wipes her mouth with her sleeve. "If you get it right I'll buy some meat and beer tonight."

"You'll pay it full?" Her best friend raises up her eyebrows.

"Of course, I'm not some cheapskate." She rolls her eyes.

"Alright, so guessing from your symptoms, you're currently pregnant, but you don't know who the father is," her best friend says seriously. "Damn, you must have been really wasted during that party."

"Oh, shut up," she chuckles. "Pregnant? Please, I haven't even gotten my first kiss yet." She finishes the soda, crushes the can and slides on the couch next to her best friend. She leans her head against the latter's shoulder, trying to cover her face from being seen as she's about to burst into tears. "Serim, the brain tumour came back. The treatment didn't completely eradicate it and now I'm left with another growing tumour in my head."

"Jinju..." Serim mutters as she hugs her best friend. "I'm so, so sorry... I prayed so hard for you when you went to the hospital, hoping that the results would show nothing serious. That it was just some simple headache or nausea, pregnant even. It would be better if you're pregnant instead."

Jinju laughs while wiping away her tears. That's her coping mechanism and her best friend, Serim, is well aware of it too. They crack jokes to go through tough times together, and it has been a norm since most of Jinju's early adult years have been occupied by visits to the hospital for her brain tumour. She was declared free of the disease several months ago, but she knew that she was celebrating too early. Even a small piece of the uncontrolled cell growth managed to drop her to the ground again.

"I'm going to die this time around," she sighs, speaking of it as if it's something that she has been preparing along the way.

Maybe she has been, considering that she promised to herself that she would never be too happy, afraid that she'll use up all her luck and jinx it. Looks like it did happen, now that she has returned from seeing her oncologist, the pretty Dr. Lee. It's her oncologist she has known since she was 20 years old, and now as she's turning 22, it really looks like she's about to spend her remaining years with her again.

"Hey, don't say that!" Serim scolds her, pinching her arm before hugging her tight. "I won't allow my best friend to go away before I let you, and you're going to beat that tumour just like you did last time. Remember, if you can do it once, you can do it again. Kick it in the ass and celebrate again."

"But it's too tiring, Serim," she says as another tear drops. "Going through those cycle of treatments again, throwing up, losing my hair, feeling like my whole body's being burned on an open fire, feeling generally shitty... I don't know how I'll deal with it the second time. Even my hair is only barely growing back."

"Oh Jinju!" Serim stands up while putting her hands on her hips, shaking her head. She faces Jinju while gripping her arms, then shaking her softly. "The Oh Jinju I know is a fighter, and you've proven it last time. This time, show that stupid tumour on who's the boss. That's right, Oh Jinju is!"

Jinju pouts as she lifts up her legs and hugs them close to her chest, sobbing. In between sobs, she claims, "You do know that I love you a lot, Jo Serim? I wouldn't know what I would do without you."

"I know that you love me," Serim says in a singsong voice. "Right, so before you have to stay at the hospital, what would you like to do? Watch some movies, eat whatever you like? I'll be your servant for the day and do whatever the princess would like."

Jinju pulls a face before it breaks into a smile. "Really? You would do anything for me?"

"Duh, you're my best friend. I stayed by your side all the way through your first treatment, and now I'm going to do the same. Nothing's going to change."

"I feel like this time..." Jinju counters, "something is going to change."

"No, no, no!" Serim wiggles her finger as she shakes her head. "I don't like the sound of that. You see, look on the bright side, when we spend time at the hospital, we get to meet all those nice people-"

Jinju snorts. "You mean handsome people? Like the trainee doctors, Yunho or Mingi? Or is it the twins who work at the cafeteria?"

"Them, too," she says, resigned. "Besides me, they're going to make your stay at the hospital much happier. They've become our friends, you know?"

"Right," Jinju laughs. "And that's how you hooked up with Seonghwa. Because both of you spent a lot of time at the hospital visiting that you started sharing some food... then some love... Ah, I should've been cupid instead. Look at you getting a gorgeous boyfriend thanks to me. Damn it Serim, you just took advantage of me. I was suffering in my room doing chemo and both of you were sucking off each other's faces at the back of the hospital building."

Serim does a loud gasp before putting a hand over her chest. "How dare you accuse your saint best friend of doing such acts?" Then she bats her eyelashes, her body wriggling. "But really, isn't Seonghwa just amazing? He's a really good big brother too, look at him taking care of his younger sister so well. It's no wonder that I fell for him."

"Uh, earth to Serim? Pretty sure that I was supposed to be the main character for today. You still haven't heard what I want to do."

"Ah, right, banish Seonghwa away," she exclaims as she slaps her own cheeks lightly. "Your Highness, what would you like to do today?"

"Rather than only today, I feel like I would want to achieve something before I go-"

Serim frowns. "There it is again, talking as if you'd have to leave. Not on my watch, princess."

"Alright, fine," she sighs. "I want to do something to help me along the course of my treatment."

"And that is?"

"Writing a book, or rather than a published one, a story."

"Really?" Serim's face brightens. "That's amazing! Jinju, you've always been great at writing, and you've always won those awards in school, you know for all those writing short stories and whatnot. It was a bummer that you had to stop when you got admitted to the hospital, but I'm happy now that you want to continue writing. I'm sure the story's going to be a-ma-zing."

Jinju punches a hand to her shoulder. "Gosh, you haven't even heard what it's going to be about and yet you're already telling me that it's going to be amazing?"

Serim pretends that her punch hurts that she gives out a short yelp before rubbing at where she's attacked. Then she pulls Jinju to her before attempting to squish their cheeks together. "It's because I know that you're amazing and the book is going to be a best seller!"

Jinju groans. "Stop... I won't even know how it's going to go. I just wanted the nice feeling of writing something down."

"You always write in your journal, so you want to write instead of type?"

She nods. "I'd like to write it down, and that's exactly where you would come in to help me!"

Serim narrows her eyes before pulling back. "Why does it feel like I'm about to regret my decision of becoming your servant?"

"You won't," she shakes her head firmly. She holds Serim's hands in hers. "You're a really good artist, so can you make some art for me? Or rather, a visualization of the characters."

Serim stares at her before pointing a finger at herself. "Me? Doing art for your top-tier work? I'd probably ruin it and crash your story to the ground."

"See? You keep on praising me yet you're too hard on yourself. Serim, your art is peerless; you always draw scenery and stuff like that. Why not try to draw portraits instead?"

She purses her lips, mulling over the offer. "And who will be the characters?"

Jinju grins. "People whom we know so well; you'll see."

---

Standing in front of the hospital building with her bags and Serim by her side, the familiar image should be calming to her but right now she feels like she's about to walk in for a death sentence. She feels like the moment she steps inside the building, there will be no turning back. She might not even walk out alive.

She doesn't relay her worries to Serim, because she knows that her friend would only chastise her, saying that being negative does not help with her treatments. 'A positive attitude' is what her friend tries to instill in her, giving her the much needed motivation for her to push herself through. Although right now, she's too tired to even walk on her own; she needs someone to push her instead.

She braves herself to go through the familiar sections, familiar people, familiar smell of the hospital. Even the nurses of Ward 6 - specialized ward for cancer patients - have recognized her up to the point that the moment she steps out of the lift, the nurses at the counter have greeted her first without even asking for any identification.

It makes her feel bad how she's a regular here - not something that you'd be proud to display on your profile.

"Oh Jinju!" one of the male nurses, Jung Wooyoung, shrieks, but gets shushed immediately by the other male nurse working the same shift. He rolls his eyes before returning back to the pair, "And look who's here, the ever-loyal friend, Jo Serim."

"Wooyoung," Jinju greets him as she puts up her arms on the counter. "Usual check in procedure for a patient about to be warded? You know my name."

"Of course I do, sweetheart," Wooyoung utters before winking. Then he turns to his partner and hits the back of his head as he giggles. "Yeosang, search for her file. It should be somewhere in that folder, where Ms. Lee had dropped it in."

"Got it, and Wooyoung stop hitting me or I swear one of these days you're going to end up in the ward yourself for having broken bones," Yeosang mumbles.

"Ugh, so violent," Wooyoung complains before he pouts to the two of them. Then he smiles, "You're going to kick cancer's ass and return home a happy girl again, Jinju. It's just being a little bit stubborn, but no worries. We're going to take good care of you."

"That's nice to hear," Jinju peers over the counter as Yeosang is still looking for her file. "Is Dr. Song not here? Or Dr. Jeong?"

"Ah, it's so weird hearing you call them Dr. when they're literally our age." He does a dramatic slap to his forehead, "Song Mingi is not on shift today, and Jeong Yunho has rotated to another department. But Yunho always visits here from time to time, since all the handsome people are here anyway."

"Really? I only see one handsome person and that person isn't even talking," Serim butts in, referring to Yeosang.

Yeosang gives a low laugh before returning to his serious face again. "Ah," he exclaims as he finds the file. "Oh Jinju, 22 years old," he pauses, "relapsing brain tumour. Permission to be warded to undergo treatments." He sighs, "You know what, fuck cancer. You're walking out of this ward happy and healthy, and I better not see you here ever again."

"The last part would really offend anyone out of context, but I'm glad to hear it from you. Thanks Yeosang," she utters. "Time for another shitty time here, but at least-"

"We're here!" Wooyoung says, but gets shushed by Yeosang again.

"You're a nurse yet your voice can break a window. Shut it, before-"

"I end up in the ward myself, got it."

After going through the procedures for her to be admitted into the ward, she's finally settled down in her private room, the mundane purple hospital attire covering her body. She hates the smell of the hospital, yet she wishes that she could be accustomed to it so that she won't be bothered by it. Really, she should have been used to it by now, but it seems that's not the case as when she's lying down on her bed, she feels like throwing up.

As she lies down, staring at the ceiling and recounting her fate, Serim helps to arrange her limited belongings that they brought together. Her best friend opens and closes drawers and doors, her mouth running to tell her exactly which item goes where, but she's barely listening. She's busy thinking of a world she can't wait to craft with her very own hands, where she'll get everything that she wants. No more feeling pity for herself, no more feeling like she's having the shittiest luck in the world.

"Seonghwa's coming over during lunch; he said he's bringing some food for us," Serim announces before plopping down on the sofa, wiping off the sweat on her face. "Hope you don't mind, but if you're uncomfortable with him here I can ask him to stay at the lobby."

She sits up, her body slouching as she looks at Serim. "Don't worry about it; it's not like he's going to see something worse than he already has. He's already seen me throw up while only having tufts of hair, nothing can be worse than that. Unless... it's him who's uncomfortable with me."

"Jinju, Seonghwa treats you like his sister, I swear. He's always asking about you even when we go out, giving me all kinds of advice for something that he read about and what he knows. He says that he sees his sister a lot in you, and of course he wants the best for you."

Park Seonghwa was the brother of the patient next to Jinju when she was first admitted, a little girl named Park Seori. Seori was diagnosed with leukemia at the tender age of 7, and Seonghwa has been taking care of her from the first day she was admitted, until the last day the little girl took her breath. Over the course of a few months, the four of them - bed neighbours as what his sister called Jinju as - have become close, sharing stories and time.

On the day his little sister passed away, Serim comforted him and grieved together with him. Now they've been in a relationship for almost two years, and it's still going on strong. Even though his sister was no longer there, Seonghwa regularly came to the hospital to visit Jinju, always bringing home-cooked food for them. Seonghwa is two years older than Jinju, and a year older than Serim.

"He really is the older brother I wished I would have," Jinju laments. "What it feels to have a complete family."

She lies down again, back towards Serim because she doesn't want her best friend to see her crying so pitifully. This time she has a feeling that she will lose the battle, and that her body can no longer withstand the invasive treatments she'll get. Her head throbs until she feels she would be better off bashing her head against the wall, in hopes that it would stop her from cringing every time it comes.

As the cycle of treatments comes, she braces herself for the same side effects, only managing to hope that it will be over soon. Whenever Wooyoung or Yeosang would come in to administer her chemotherapeutic drugs, they would give her a weak smile before retreating, Serim going out and following suit. Over time she has decided that giving away her tears is useless, that her response is no longer crying, but only an expressionless stare.

She finds it too tiring to even give an appropriate response. She becomes lethargic, that even as Serim and Seonghwa would come to visit her, she'd acknowledge them, eat the food she's served before lying back down again, her body stiff without any movement. Her motivation to write completely dies down without anything started, that even as Serim casually asks her on when she can start drawing for her, she only stays mum while shaking her head.

"I can't do it anymore, I don't think I have the energy to even lift a pen," she utters.

"Jinju..." Serim pleads. "You weren't like this back then, what's the matter now? Is there anything I can do for you?"

"I find no motivation left, Serim... You know, when I was admitted the first thing I thought I would want to do was to lift up that pen and write, anything. But now it feels like the words are stuck in my head, and I can't write them down anymore."

---

One night when Serim isn't there because she has some personal business to attend to, Wooyoung suddenly slides her ward door open, whispering but he might as well be screaming.

"Jinju! You must be bored for having to lie down for so long and stare at the ugly ceiling. Do you want to join us for a night picnic on the rooftop?"

"Us?" she croaks, barely able to heave herself up.

Her lips are cracked, her head is shaved and her eyes are dry. It pains the nurse to see the patient he had known, one that he had considered a good friend, so different than whom he used to know. When she was admitted to the hospital for the first time, she was a bubbly and positive woman. That was what made them close; she was a friendly patient who made friends with almost all of the hospital staff she came across. She is one of the most popular patients to them. Even Yeosang, who rarely tells people of his emotions, mentioned about how much he would miss her presence when she's discharged after she was declared free of the cancer.

Right now, the Oh Jinju they know has become someone different. No more smiles, no more laughing, and even worse, no more crying. She's only like a living corpse, looking unwilling to live. Serim had complained to them about her worries, saying how Jinju had become so distant, that she didn't enjoy whatever she liked anymore. She's a bookworm, but even as her best friend brought her favourite book, she didn't even do as much as looking at it. It's only lying on the side table without being touched.

"Me and Yeosang. The twins said they might join if they could escape from their manager," he replies. "Well, I kind of forced Yeosang to go because you know, he's a goody-two-shoes who thinks that bringing a patient out for some fresh air is unethical, but I can't see you stuck in this room doing barely anything. It hurts me to see no movement."

She laughs weakly before running a hand over her bald head. "Sure, but I would need a hoodie. Hate to see my head with no hair in the mirror."

"And that is why I'm the most amazing nurse you'll ever meet." He takes out his hand that's been hiding behind, revealing a folded hoodie. He places it near her feet. "It's my favourite but you can keep it."

"Did you-"

"Yes, I washed it, oh gosh. Stop looking at me like that."

She pulls the hoodie over her hospital top, making sure that her head is fully covered with the hood. As she tries to move from the bed, Wooyoung rushes to her side to help her steady herself.

"Wheelchair, or walking?"

"Walking; I feel like it's been ages since I've laid my feet flat on the ground."

"Anything you'd like."

With the stealth of an assassin, Wooyoung sneaks her out of her room, careful in not running into any of the doctors attending to Jinju. As soon as they emerge from Ward 6 and walk along the open bridge connecting the south tower to the main tower, Yeosang is already waiting, his nurse attire replaced by his usual biker look. He has a leather jacket on, a lit cigarette hanging on the edge of his lips. He takes one final drag and blows it out before putting the cigarette out.

"Ah, really, Kang Yeosang? You're a nurse who works at the cancer ward and yet you're still smoking," Wooyoung crinkles his nose. "You're destroying your lungs, upper respiratory system, vocal chord, skin, should I go on?"

"Old habits die hard," Yeosang sighs then shrugs. "But hey, I'm doing much better in reducing the number I smoke everyday, and it's all thanks to you." He points at Jinju.

"Me, really?" She frowns. "How?"

"Remember when you said that you'd kick me in the face if I don't stop smoking? Yeah, that. The last thing I want is for Oh Jinju to kick me in my handsome face."

With that she sincerely laughs, as Wooyoung and Yeosang look at each other with satisfied grins. It's too long since they last heard proper laughter coming out of her mouth, and it's as if relief is flooding their whole bodies along with her melodious voice. They continue walking with Jinju in between, Wooyoung and Yeosang having themselves ready to help her in case she suddenly falls down. Despite seemingly being initially weak, she walks steadily, only holding on to Yeosang's sleeve for a little support.

When they get to the main tower and they walk past the funeral halls, Jinju stops in her tracks as she hears a song being played on the piano.

"Ah, it must be that dude again," Wooyoung complains. "He's always playing that very same song whenever someone passes away near the funeral hall. He's not always there, but most of the time he is. Ah, what does it take for him to understand that it's creepy to have him playing the piano at night after someone had their funeral? I get that he's talented but he's kind of giving me a bad vibe."

"You just say that he's giving you a bad vibe because you're scared that he's more handsome than you," Yeosang jokes as he shoves Wooyoung. "He's really nice though; he's one of the volunteers who helps regularly at the pediatric department. He entertains the kids there or something, plus he's really good in music. Yunho says he's nice, though he can be quite eccentric sometimes. He does a lot of art too."

Wooyoung rolls his eyes as he tries to mimic Yeosang's explanation with over-exaggerating expressions. "Whatever it is, it's creepy. I think he's not right in the head."

"What's his name?" Jinju asks, interrupting them.

"He's a Kim," Yeosang replies. "Kim... Ho... I forgot his name."

"Kim Hongjoong," Wooyoung says grudgingly, crossing his arms. "Why do you ask?"

"It's beautiful, the music. I'd love to have him play that once my funeral is done," she utters.

Yeosang clicks his tongue before shaking his head and closing his eyes. "And your funeral is going to be tens of years later. So stop hoping for the time being."

Jinju doesn't give any reaction to the two nurses before moving away from them, approaching the source of music. She walks slowly but firmly, as if her feet has decided that where the music comes from is where she has to go. The two nurses trail behind her carefully as she gets closer to where the piano is. She rounds the corner of where the funeral halls are located, spotting at the far end where the said person is playing.

The pianist has a bed of soft pink hair, the edges of his hair barely touching the base of his neck and even from afar she can see that his fingers are delicate, pressing the keys to make the music that has drawn her to him. As the last note reverberates through the hallway, he closes the lid and stands up, shouldering his bag. He puts on his beret before turning around, almost stumbling when he suddenly spots Jinju.

"Ah, you scared me," he says. His voice is soft, even if he's saying something else he sounds like he's trying to soothe her.

"I'm sorry," she replies. "I just thought that what you played is beautiful." She feels something in her stomach and it's not her nausea acting up - she's actually feeling butterflies at this moment as he blushes and scratches his cheek. It seems that his perfume is quite strong too; she almost chuckles at how she's imagining him spraying it all over him.

"Thank you; it was a quick piece I wrote in memories of those who passed away."

From under her hood, she looks at him and a renewed sense of determination comes over her; she has found her muse to start writing.

"Does the piece have a name?"

He stops to think before nodding slowly. He smiles shyly as he utters. "Narae, or wings. So that these people will be able to fly to where they'll find peace and happiness."

"Narae... I like that name."