Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That's what Amata has.

The nurses and doctors said that the vomiting can be from something else, but the PTSD is the most likely culprit. If he was thinking about something bad and it triggered a panic attack, puking could definitely be involved. When I think about it, it does make sense. His emotional breakdowns he's been having: that must be a part of it. His nightmares, the ones that Mykage doesn't control, could be part of it, too. I didn't think he would be this bad once he recovered physically. How long will it take for him to recover mentally? Will he ever truly recover from it?

After his little puking fit, the medical staff cleaned him up and helped him to get back in bed. I can't imagine how much pain and stress he's going through. Now, I sit with him again on the bed. He stares at the ceiling, lost in thought. His eyes have dark circles underneath them, and they are puffy, like he hasn't slept in days. I want to tell him everything that happened earlier in my meeting with the staff, but I hesitate at first.

"So, uh, I had a meeting with the staff. You know, Crea, Ms. Suomi, Commander Donar, and even my brother."

Amata doesn't respond. He just continues to stare at the ceiling.

"I, uh, have a lot to tell you."

Still nothing. What's up with him?

Eventually, he says something, but his words seem to sting. "So, PTSD, huh? What, am I gonna need counseling or something now? They think I'm that messed up inside?"

I flinch. He's normally not this bitter. Something's definitely bothering him, I'm just not sure what.

"A-are you okay?" I ask tentatively. "Why are you acting like that?"

"I'm fine." He looks me right in the eye. His gaze is cold and harsh. I feel like I might melt if he stares at me any longer. "I just wanna be left alone, that's all."

"Alone?" I reach for his hand, but he refuses and pulls away.

"What part of 'I wanna be left alone' do you not understand? Go away."

My eyes widen in alarm. I'm shocked. This is not Amata. Amata would never talk like this! What could possibly be bothering him to make him this resentful?!

"Amata? Are you sure-"

"I said go away!" His eyes flash with anger. I nearly jump out of my skin at his sudden outburst.

"Why-"

"JUST GO AWAY, GOD DAMN IT!!!" His eyes water. "I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT!! THESE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT A FUCKING HELL!!" A tear slides down his cheek and he hits the bed with his fists. "I'd rather die than live like this! Just let me fucking die! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I'm tired of Mykage trying to torture me every possible second! I'm tired of suffering and lying in a hospital where all I can do is sit and be helpless the whole time! I'm tired of these nightmares! Why does this have to happen?! WHY COULDN'T I HAVE A NORMAL LIFE?!!" He hits the bed with his fists again. "I'm messed up inside, and I'm probably better off dead. I don't want to be reincarnated ever again. Just leave me alone to die..."

My own eyes start to water. "How could you say that? How?!"

"I JUST CAN!! I'm not supposed to be alive. I should be dead! Why couldn't I have just died like I was supposed to?! I just wanna die!" He looks around the room for something, then he looks straight at the leftover food tray on the table. He reaches for it.

"Amata? What are you doing?"

And then I realize. His fingers wrap around the metal. He holds it to his wrist, gripping the knife tight.

"NO! STOP!" I leap and my hands come down hard on his. The knife falls out of his grasp and onto the floor just as it was making contact with his skin. Blood drips from the slight cut he made, but it's not fatal. I was able to stop him.

"Why did you do that?" he chokes. I can clearly see him swallow a lump in his throat. My hands still hold his down, shaking uncontrollably, but his hands are also shaking, upset with the situation. "Why did you stop me?! I told you to go away! I TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY!"

"What is wrong with you?!" The tears spring from my eyes and I begin to really cry. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!"

He avoids my gaze, keeping his eyes focused on his lap.

"Amata! Why?!" My vision is blurred from tears and I sniff back snot. "You need help!"

"No I don't," he growls. "No one's getting me help. Just shut up already!"

"Please! Just listen to me! Is this all you ever think about?! Wanting to die?! When are you gonna realize that you mean more to people than you think you do?! The Amata I knew before wasn't this unreasonable!"

His expression changes from angered to pained. Still, he averts his eyes.

"What happened to 'I was your reason to live'? What happened to everything you said about fighting and not wanting to die?! Did that mean nothing?! Your death would impact everyone tremendously! We would all be devastated, especially me! Don't you care?! Don't you care about yourself?! Is your life really that worthless to you?! I know it's not easy, but one day you're going to have to understand that there are ways to get through it and actually give a damn about the good things in life instead of dwelling over the shit!"

Amata's eyes widen. Now he finally looks up at me.

"I don't want you to die. I love you. But obviously you don't seem to care. If you want me to go away, then I'll go away if it makes you happy! I don't wanna be here to see you do this to yourself!" I start to storm out.

"Wait." His voice cracks as he says the word.

I don't turn around just yet, but I'm curious to see what he wants to say. It takes a few seconds of silence before he finally chokes out, "I'm sorry. Don't go. I'm sorry..." I can hear his shaky breath as he allows himself to break down. "God damn it! I didn't-I didn't mean to- What the hell's wrong with me?! I'm sorry!"

I dry my eyes with my sleeve and return to my spot on the bed. Amata's face is buried in his hands.

"You idiot. What the hell's the matter with you?!" I say as I pry his hands away, so I can look him in the eyes. His face is smeared with tears. It hurts me to see him this way.

"I don't know what to do anymore! I can't take it! Shit..." The heart monitor beeps a lot faster. "Shit. What have I done?"

I pull him into my chest and kiss his head. "Amata. It's okay. We'll figure this out. I love you."

"I love you, too," he says, his words are muffled. "Sorry I said all of that, and I'm sorry for what I tried to do. I'm an asshole."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am! How could I tell the person I care about most to go away? How could I tell you that I wanted to die?! I can't leave you like that!" His tears soak into my clothes as he buries himself even more into my chest. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry..."

"Ssh." I try my best to comfort him. "It's okay, Baby. I forgive you. Everything's gonna be okay."

"I-I feel so weak and helpless. All I wanna do is protect you. Why is this happening to me? To us?" He shudders as he cries and he grips the fabric of my clothes tightly, his hands balled up into fists against my chest and trying not to get blood on me. "I'm weak. I'm a coward-"

"Stop it. Don't say that. Everything's gonna go back to normal soon enough. You'll see. Now, where's that sweet, sensitive, caring guy I fell in love with, hm?"

He pulls away to look at me. His eyes are red and puffy. "What did I do to deserve you?" he asks.

I chuckle and put my hands on his shoulders.

After a few moments, I remember that I wanted to tell him about the meeting from earlier and what happened.

"I had a meeting with the staff before, not long after you went to sleep."

He dries his eyes with the hem of the hospital gown. "A meeting? What kind of meeting?"

I look away. "They know everything."

His eyes widen. "What do you mean they know everything?"

I explain everything that happened to him from Cayenne having visions to Fudo coming along and giving us a lecture on doughnuts and love; how I confessed to everyone about our relationship and my feelings; our real past lives and how Mykage wants revenge. When I finally finish explaining it all to Amata, he just stares at me with a concerned expression on his face.

"So, they're actually okay with our whole romance or whatever?" he asks.

I shrug. "I guess. I mean, I don't know. The whole situation is kind of strange." My eyes fall upon his left wrist. It's stopped bleeding by now. I pick up the knife from the floor and wipe it off with a napkin from the food tray before tossing it aside on the table. "I hope they wash that well."

Amata gives me a look. Then he thinks for a moment before asking, "So what happens now? What is everyone going to do? Are they gonna try to take care of Mykage or something? Where do we go from here?"

"I'm not sure. All I know is, your goal is to get healthy again and rest. My goal is to take care of you and help you get through this. We can worry about everyone else later."

"Okay."

Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. "Can we come in?" I hear Zessica call.

"Yeah. It's fine," I call back. "Come in."

Zessica, Yunoha, and Andy enter the room. "Hey, lovebirds," Zess jokes. "Hope we're not interrupting anything! Seriously. Get a room! Your soppy romance makes me wanna barf!"

I realize my hands are still on Amata's shoulders.

"How ya' feeling?" Andy asks, but a worried expression washes over his face. "Have you been crying? You alright, man?"

Amata rubs his eyes and sniffs. "Oh. Uh, it's nothing. I'm fine."

"You don't look 'fine'. What's the matter?"

I give Andy a look, to signal him to stop talking. He automatically takes the hint and backs off.

Yunoha steps closer. "Do you wanna hold Tama? She always makes me feel better when I'm upset."

Amata and I both smile. Who can resist saying "yes" to that?

"Aw. Thanks, Yunoha. Sure. I'll hold her," Amata says as Yunoha hands him the doll. He hugs it over-dramatically and I laugh. So does everyone else.

But Amata's smile fades as he stares at the doll, a blank expression on his face. "Amata? You okay?"

He starts to tear up again. "I-I..." He seems at a loss for words.

"Amata?" Zess puts a hand on his shoulder.

I pull him into my chest again. He's losing it. "They're right, Mikono," he whispers to me. "I am messed up inside, and I don't know what to do about it. You guys actually care about me. I'm grateful for that. How could I be so blind? I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just a big coward, aren't I?"

His words hit me hard. I thought I was the coward. I'm the one that cries all the time and dwells over life's problems. Not him. He's not a coward. He's stronger than I'll ever be.

Everyone puts their arms around us, so we're in a big group hug, as Amata sobs again. And then, one by one, we all start to tear up. We don't cry as hard as Amata, but a couple of tears are shed from each and every one of us.

"Thanks guys," Amata sniffs once we've had our fair share of hugging. "I appreciate it."

Andy smiles. "No problem bud! It's what Diggin' Bros do!" He musses up Amata's hair and laughs. "God, I've missed digging with you! Oh yeah, by the way, Mikono, you got a little something in the mail."

I raise an eyebrow. "Huh? Mail? For me? From who?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out an envelope. I take it and read the return address. I stiffen. It's from my father.

"You okay?" Amata asks.

"Huh? Oh yeah. I'm fine. I'll read it later." I place the letter on the bed.

After some time, Zess, Andy, and Yunoha say "goodbye" and leave, so I'm left alone with Amata.

"So, who's the letter from?" he asks.

"Uh, no one in particular. It's no big deal," I lie, not too convincingly.

He observes me carefully, but he doesn't question it. I can tell that he knows I'm not telling the whole truth, but something holds his tongue.

"Well, fine." He yawns and lies down. "I'm gonna get a little rest. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I wait until he's out cold before daring to pick up the envelope. I open it up, take the letter out, and read it.

When I finish, my stomach sinks and I want to scream.