To be honest, this is just me projecting my feelings into writing. So enjoy and yay! I actually updated :)

Rainbow wasn't sure when she started. It started out with a simple scratch on her wrists or just giving herself a quick kick to the opposite leg. Whenever she got frustrated, Rainbow would find herself scratching her scalp until she bled or pinching herself until the skin was red.

As a kid, she didn't have anyone paying attention to her, so there wasn't anybody to tell her how to deal with her emotions. Her rough upbringing forced her to hide away how she truly felt, as to keep herself safe and unnoticed. As she grew up, these small habits she had picked up, grew more extreme. If her father didn't leave marks and bruises on her, she would do it.

Rainbow Dash knew her coping mechanisms for certain emotions weren't exactly good. She'd taken a basic psych class in school. However, she didn't care. For all she knew, this was normal and it made her feel better. So she was fine. Right?

The first time Applejack had ever witnessed Rainbow Dash using one of her "coping mechanisms" was when during a lazy day home. The two were in their living room, sitting on the couch, AJ watching tv, Rainbow on her laptop.

Rainbow groaned, frustration in her voice. Applejack turned and looked at Rainbow.

"You ok, sugarcube?"

Rainbow grunted.

"Yeah. Just doing something." She mumbled, her eyes never looking away from the screen.

Applejack took a peek at the laptop, curious as to what was making her girlfriend so frustrated.

Rainbow was scrolling through what seemed a government website. Applejack raised a brow.

"Is that what Ah think it is?" She questioned.

"Mhm" Rainbow hummed in confirmation. "Yup. Just checking up on my dad. The jackass still won't pay child support."

Rainbow continued scrolling, the room falling almost silent. Applejack examined Rainbow's facial expression. Whenever Rainbow mentioned her father, it never ended in a positive mood.

Her eye caught Rainbow's hand scratching at her left thigh. She kept scratching and scratching. Rainbow seemed to not be aware of herself doing it. When her thigh was covered in red, angry scratch marks and still no sign of stopping, AJ decided to speak up.

"RD?"

Rainbow seemed to snap out whatever train of thought she had been caught in. She looked up and looked at Applejack.

"Hm?"

Applejack reaches out and took the hand that was scratching the now red thigh. Rainbow looked down at her thigh, seeing what she had done to herself.

"Oh. Dammit. Again?"

Again? Had this behavior happened before?

"Again? Have you done this before?" Applejack questioned.

Rainbow shrugged lamely, avoiding eye contact. Applejack's eyes narrowed.

"Oh." Was all she could say.

She brought Rainbow's hand that she was holding up to her lips, lightly kissing Rainbow's knuckles.

She went back to watching tv, storing this memory into her brain for later.
--------------

As months went by, Applejack had become more aware how often Rainbow used these unhealthy coping skills. She'd noticed scratches or bruises on Rainbow that hadn't been there a day ago. Rainbow assured her she was fine, but knowing about Rainbow's abusive past, Applejack couldn't help but take what she said with a grain of salt.

However, today was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was a school day and most of Rainbow's teachers had coincidently gave out tests. So her stress levels were higher than normal.

She dropped her bag into the floor and slumped down onto the cafeteria table bench.

Applejack looked up from her phone. She smiled, seeing Rainbow Dash.

"Hey, babe," She greeted, "how did ya do?"

Rainbow groaned.

"Horrible!! They didn't even tell us when the tests would be. Today is hell. No one else knew we'd have a stupid test of even on what. Ugh whatever."

Their friends were sitting around them chatting and eating. Applejack joined in. Around the end of lunch, she had glanced over at Rainbow Dash, noticing how quiet she was being. Rainbow was staring blankly at her lunch tray, a distanced look in her eyes, as if her mind was a million miles away.

AJ noticed her hands doing something and looked under the table. She saw Rainbow scratching at her wrists, her short nails pressing into the skin forcefully. It was as if she were trying to claw off her skin. Rainbow was scratching horizontal, dragging them across her wrist.

Applejack looked back up at Rainbow's face.

"Rainbow." She spoke up.

Rainbow didn't seem to hear her. The blank expression stayed on her face.

"Rainbow." She tried again, this time reaching out and poking her arm.

Rainbow jumped, appearing to have been taken by surprise. She looked up and saw Applejack staring at her.

"Yeah?" She finally said.

"You ok? You've been scratchin' your wrist mighty forcefully for quite uh while now. You've been doin' that a lot lately when you zone out. You alright?"

Rainbow nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just a weird habit."

Rainbow seemed more aware of herself for the rest of lunch, but Applejack couldn't stop glancing at the now red wrist. She was beginning to think something was wrong.
-------------------

Once school was done, the girls went home. Rainbow walked into their bedroom, shrugging off her bag. She flopped onto their bed. She stared up at the ceiling. The familiar sting in her eyes suddenly appeared. Rainbow Dash blinked rapidly, fighting the lump in her throat. Rainbow sat up, exhaling. She stood up and began to pace. Her skin felt like it was crawling and she felt a heavy feeling in her chest.

As if on instinct, Rainbow began to claw at her arm. The small sting of pain felt comforting to her. For a moment, the darkness around her lifted.

"You're so fucking stupid." She mumbled to herself. "Can't even handle some stupid sadness. You're weak. You can't be weak."

Rainbow ran her fingers through her hair, tugging at the strands in her fists. She yanked on her hair, closing her eyes. Her breathing became labored. She shook her head.

"No you fucking moron. Don't you fucking cry. You're weak and stupid and no one wants a cry baby. You can tough it out, Dash. Gosh, I'm so stupid." Rainbow slammed a fist to her thigh. She got down on her knees. She started slamming her fists against her thighs, bruises forming on the skin. Rainbow felt angry at herself. Bruises littered her thighs, scratches up and down her forearms. Her head hurt from pulling at her hair. However, it still wasn't even.

She needed more. She needed her blade.

Rainbow was on the edge of desperate as she staggered to her feet. She rushed out of the bedroom and made her way down the hall to the bathroom. She threw open the door. She searched through drawer after drawer, looking for her the specific item. When she found it, she flipped it open, the blade as shiny and sharp as the last time she used it.

Rainbow held the blade up to her wrist.

"Woah, woah, woah." A voice snapped her out of her panicked state. She turned her head and saw Applejack standing in the doorway, eyes wide in shock and panic.

"What're you doin', RD?" She asked, her voice quivering slightly.

Rainbow knew this was bad. She felt a flare of anger in her chest. She tossed the blade down on the tiles floor and stopped out of the bathroom.

"Nothing." She growled, but it was obviously not true.

A hand grabbed her wrist and spun her around. She came face to face with Applejack, who was extremely confused and in shock.

"Hold on a second, Rainbow. Talk ta me." Applejack said.

Rainbow shook her head, ripping her arm out of AJ's grip.

"I'm fine." She lied, not wanting to get into all this. "Just forget about it."

Applejack's brows scrunched together, disbelief on her face.

"Forget about it? Rainbow, you were about ta slice open your skin. That's somethin'." She argued.

Rainbow turned and walked away. Applejack followed her back to their bedroom.

"Ah can't just pretend ah didn't see that, RD. This is serious."

"It's nothing!" Rainbow shouted, exasperated with how Applejack was responding to this.

"No, it ain't!" Applejack yelled back. "How long have you been hurt'n yourself?"

Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"It's not that bad."

Applejack threw her hands up in disbelief. Rainbow felt the panic returning. She tried to reel in her emotions. She bowed her head, gripping her hair. Her breathing became harder. Why was it so hard to just calm down? She was fine.

"Stop being such a stupid bitch." She growled at herself.

Applejack seemed offended at her words.

"What did you just say?" She asked.

Rainbow sighed, shaking her head.

"No. I wasn't talking about you. I was- oh Nevermind. Forget I said anything."

Rainbow Dash suddenly felt as if she were falling apart. She shook her head rapidly, trying to shake the dark thoughts out. This couldn't be happening. She couldn't control herself. Rainbow grew even angrier and went to slap herself in the face. However, familiar strong hands grabbed her wrists, stopping her.

Rainbow looked up and saw Applejack standing there, a serious but sympathetic look on her face.

"Rainbow, stop."

Rainbow pulled and struggled, trying to free herself to no avail. She screamed and cursed and fought. Applejack had her on the floor, pinning her down by her arms.

Applejack looked down at the emotional girl.

"You need to calm down." She said calmly. "Breathe and stop fight'n."

Rainbow blinked rapidly. She huffed in annoyance.

"I'm fine." She denied.

"You're obviously not if you're hurting yourself when you get upset. Talk ta me."

Rainbow shook her head stubbornly.

Applejack sighed. She had no idea why Rainbow always insisted on being ok when she obviously wasn't.

"It's ok to not be ok." She stated. "You know ah love you, right?"

Rainbow's eyes snapped up to AJ's face. She analyzed her, determining the validity of her statement.

Applejack gave a slight shrug.

"Ah do. Ah love you, RD. So much and it kills me to think of you hurt'n like this but you won't talk to me. Why?"

Rainbow sighed.

"I....... I don't know how, or really want to...."

"How to what?" AJ asked.

Rainbow chewed on her lip. Admitting this much was a struggle and she felt like she was only putting herself in harm's way, but she had to remind herself it was Applejack. Her girlfriend. She could trust her. She did trust her.

"Talking about how I feel. It's not something I've ever done." She admitted, her eyes looking away. "I can't really explain it."

Applejack let up and got off of her. The two sat up. Rainbow pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them. She sniffled, rubbing her legs in a nervous manner. Applejack watched her for a moment, deciding on the best way to continue.

"When did you start self-harmin'?" She asked, wanting to start off on a question Rainbow might have an answer to.

Rainbow looked at her. She rolled her eyes.

"I'm not self-harming." She scoffed.

AJ nodded. "Yeah, you are. You punch yourself, kick yourself, bruise and scratch yourself when you're emotional. Why?"

Rainbow sighed. She felt a wave of emotion hit her. She shook her head. Rainbow exhaled shakily, blanking her eyes rapidly.

"I can't do this." She whispered, trying to keep her composure.

Applejack looked at her quizzically.

"Can't do what?" She asked.

Rainbow tried to get the words out, but her voice wouldn't work. She slammed her fist onto her already bruised up thigh. Applejack immediately took her by the hands.

"Nonono. C'mon. You can do it. Try, Rainbow. What's wrong?"

Rainbow was fighting to keep her emotions back.

"I just can't break down. Crying and talking about how I feel got me beaten as a kid. I learned that showing feelings was a sure path to pain, but I'm fine. It was shitty, but whatever."

Rainbow had never dwelled on her emotions for too long. Just repressed them.

Applejack shook her head.

"Listen to me, Rainbow. There ain't nothin' wrong with showing how you feel. You're feelings are just as valid and real as mine. You deserve ta show how you feel and to be heard. Ah told you ah love you and that means ah wanna know how you really feel. It's ok ta cry and be mad and sad and happy and all that. We're human. It's ok to not be ok."

Rainbow felt a tear escape. She quickly wiped it away. A gentle hand on her cheek brought her attention to Applejack. The love and concern and safety they radiated off of her, was enough for a shaky breath to be let out. Rainbow shook her head, covering her mouth.

"I'm ok." She tried to lie but her cracking voice said other wise.

She felt so close to breaking. The cherry on top was when she felt the strong arms of her girlfriend wrap around her, pulling her to chest chest. The arms engulfed her, a sense security washing over her.

"It's ok, Rainbow." AJ soothed. "Don't lie to yourself. You don't have ta do that. Ah know you're in pain. Don't keep pretendin'. It's ok. You're safe here. You can let those walls down. You're not weak. You've been strong for a long time, now. It's ok to show how you feel. Don't be afraid. It's only me. Don't hold back from me."

Rainbow let out a sob. She covered her face in shame as she could no longer hold it in. She quietly sobbed, shaking her head.

"I hate myself." She sobbed. "I'm sad and mad. I'm so mad. I can't do anything right. I'm so stupid and a failure."

"No you're not." Applejack spoke into her ear. "You hear me? You're not stupid or a failure. You're smart and very capable."

Rainbow shook her head.

"No I'm not. I'm dumb and annoying and not good enough. If I was good enough maybe my dad wouldn't have beaten me so much. It was my fault. I miss my mom. I miss her every day. I try to stay strong and move past all that shit but I can't. I'm just angry and sad and I hate myself."

Applejack held her in her arms, making sure to squeeze. She learned this trick from Twilight. It seemed to work, as Rainbow had stopped panicking. She was simply crying. AJ continued to hold on to her wrists so Rainbow wouldn't hurt herself. She just let Rainbow Dash cry until she couldn't.

After a while, Rainbow tired herself out, sniffling and sobs far and few between long moments of silence.

Once she was sure Rainbow was done, Applejack pulled away enough to look at her face. Rainbow was wiping her face, embarrassment on her face.

"Feel better?" Applejack asked. "It's gotta after keepin' in all those feelin's for so long."

Rainbow nodded.

"Mhm." She mumbled.

Applejack took one of Rainbow's shaky hands in her own. Rainbow looked up, making eye contact.

"Rainbow, can we please talk now?" Applejack practically pleaded.

Rainbow nodded. They might as well at this point. Applejack reached up and wiped a tear off of Rainbow's cheek.

"Rainbow. Have you always hurt yourself when you get upset?"

Rainbow nodded, taking the time to really think back to all those years she'd turn to those unhealthy coping skills.

"Yeah... I guess I just thought that there wasn't any other way to deal with it all. I guess I just feel like I deserve it."

Applejack shook her head.

"No, baby. You don't." She insisted. "Your dad beat you because he was heartless. You didn't and still don't deserve to be in pain. Ah think ah understand why you've been doing this now. How do you feel when ya hurt yourself?"

Rainbow shrugged. "Better. For a second."

Applejack quirked her mouth in thought.

"Have you ever considered tryin' therapy?" She asked, not sure how Rainbow would react.

Rainbow huffed. "I'm not crazy." She said, already getting defensive.

"I know!" Applejack agreed quickly. "Ah just mean that talk therapy might help ya. You know, someone who is an expert with dealin' with situations like yours. Someone who can help you make sense of the things you're feelin' and can help you learn healthier ways of copin' with it. It could help. Just give it a try. I'll even come with you if you're not comfortable being alone."

Rainbow was quiet, seeming to be thinking over the offer.

"I'll think about it. How would we even pay for it?"

Applejack smiled and shook her head.

"Don't chu worry about that, Sugarcube. Ah got it covered. Mah family's business makes enough profit ta pay for therapy for the whole lot of us."

Rainbow giggled. Applejack's heart melted, seeing her smile.

"There's that smile. Ah missed it."

Rainbow rested her head on Applejack's shoulder, tired from the whole emotional breakdown she'd just had.

Applejack noticed, thinking it would be a good idea to pause the conversation for now.

"You wanna go rest? We can talk more about it later."

Rainbow nodded, yawning. Applejack easily stood up, carrying Rainbow bridal style. She walked upstairs to their bedroom. Rainbow and Applejack were in their bed, cuddled up together. Applejack had an arm around Rainbow's waist, Rainbow's back against her chest.

Rainbow smiled, glad to have such an amazingly caring girlfriend.

"Applejack?" She spoke into the quiet room.

"Mhm?" AJ replied. Rainbow flipped over so she was facing her girlfriend.

"Thanks... and I'm sorry for being so difficult. I know I have a lot of issues I need to deal with."

Applejack smiled. She reached out, cupping Rainbow's cheek.

"You're welcome but there's no need. You just need some help. Nothin' wrong with that. You've been through some horrible stuff and never learned how to deal with the after effects. It's ok. Just promise me you'll talk to me when you feel any negative sort of way. Ok?"

Rainbow touched the hand on her cheek.

"I promise."

Well, let me know your thoughts and what you think of this