This has been my life and the reason I haven't been on here in so long. Enjoy and hopefully someone can relate to some part of this :) this is depressing as heck and may trigger people because of intrusive thoughts and all the wonderful things that come with depression.
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As soon as Rainbow Dash's eyes snapped opened that Friday morning, the sound of her anxiety-inducing alarm blaring in her ears, she immediately recognized the heavy, dark, gloomy cloud that seemed to be over her more often these days. Rainbow sighed. She blindly reached a hand out and felt her way around. She felt her fingers touch her phone screen and pressed the snooze button. Once the sound was finally turned off, Rainbow curled up. She didn't want to go to school, but she knew she couldn't let herself miss another day.

Rainbow already promised her friends and girlfriend to be present the rest of the semester. She couldn't go back on her word. So, she half-heartedly threw her blanket off of her. It took a minute or two to motivate herself to sit up.
Once that was accomplished, she looked over at her phone. She reached over and picked up her phone. The screen came to life, partially blinding Rainbow for a second. Once her eyes adjusted she saw a text on the screen.

Apples❤️: Good morning, beautiful. See you at school. I love you so much. Don't forget to take your medicine!!

Rainbow felt a warm fuzzy feeling in her chest. Her girlfriend Applejack was the sweetest thing ever. Her good morning texts made Rainbow temporarily forget about her crappy situation. After sent a reply, Rainbow Dash was immediately on autopilot.

Rainbow climbed out of bed and trudged to the bathroom. She turned the light on and froze. She was face to face with her reflection. She looked...... dead. Her hair was a disheveled mess, she had dark circles under her eyes. Her eyes were slightly puffy and red from crying herself to sleep the previous night and from her insomnia that kept her up the other nights when she had no tears to cry. Rainbow stared at herself for a moment, taking it in. She felt her eyes welling up.

"Why am I crying already??" She asked frustratedly, wiping at her eyes. She closed the bathroom door and went over to the sink. She turned on the faucet and the sound of rushing water slightly startled her exhausted mind. Rainbow splashed some warm water on her face, waking herself up. Now she could think more clearly. Rainbow washed her face and brushed her teeth. She undressed, tossing her clothes on the floor. She stepped into her shower and turned on the water. She took her time showering. She even attempted to wash her hair, scratching her scalp until it hurt slightly.

Rainbow liked the pain. At least she could feel it.

The shower did little to make Rainbow feel good. At least she felt clean. She dried herself, even brushed her hair, then got dressed, putting on clothes she may or not have worn yesterday. Rainbow grabbed her bag, slinging over one shoulder and headed downstairs. As she walked down the stairs, she felt the familiar anxiousness building up. She expected to see her father sitting on the couch, watching tv, ready to yell at her for something stupid or that had nothing to do with her.

However, when she got to the bottom of the stairs, she remembered. She lived alone.

Rainbow let out a relieved sigh. She headed to the kitchen. Rainbow wasn't really hungry. She almost never was on days like this. But Applejack always asked if she did and Rainbow did not want to be caught lying. So, cereal it was.

Rainbow prepared a bowl of cereal and sat down. She stared at the bowl, resting her cheek on her hand. She ate in silence. However, there was too much noise in her head.

What's the point in trying anymore? It's never gonna get better.

It'll always be the same routine. Nothing will change for you.

School? Your blade is up there in the bathroom. You can miss one more day of that stupid place. No one will notice. They never do.

Rainbow bit her lip. How long has it been since she last cut? Rainbow looked at her phone. It was March 6th. 1 month. She's gone one month without self harming. Rainbow looked down at the bowl of milk.

She couldn't do it. They'd notice. They'd be so mad.

Yeah, cuz they know how much of a coward you are.

Rainbow sat back, attempting to block out the thoughts. She grabbed her pill bottle that was on the table. She opened it and took out 1 pill. She swallowed it with some of the milk. She wiped her mouth with her hand and sighed. She hoped the meds would work faster than normal today.

C'mon, dude. Just bring it to school. Just in case. Who's gonna know if you just pretend you're ok. It always works.

Rainbow felt the want growing in her chest. She shouldn't, but...... Having it with her won't do any harm. She won't use it. But........ just in case.

Rainbow bolted out of her seat and out of the kitchen.
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The music drowned out all sound. Rainbow walked with her head held up, tired eyes staring ahead. She did her best to keep her mask intact. She smiled at some other students, a small wave here and there for good measure. When she finally reached her locker, she opened it and stuffed her stuff inside. She gathered the stuff she'd need.

I wonder how much it would hurt to slam my head with the locker door.

Rainbow immediately slammed her locker shut, not taking any chances with herself. She turned around and nearly had a heart attack. Leaning against the other side of the hall, with a stupid grin on her face, was Applejack. Her girlfriend. Rainbow pulled on a fake smile.

"Hey." She greeted, trying to sound cheery.

Applejack pushed herself off the wall, stepping closer to Rainbow.

"Hey, beautiful lady."

Applejack was an angel sent from heaven. She was kind and caring, always making sure Rainbow was ok, knowing about her depression. She made sure Rainbow took care of herself and was basically the reason Rainbow hadn't killed herself yet. Well, her and the rest of their friends. But mostly her.

Applejack was there for her no matter what. She didn't know about how Rainbow had been feeling lately and Rainbow didn't plan on telling her. Rainbow didn't want to burden her with her baggage. She could do it alone. Applejack has made it clear for Rainbow to tell her about this stuff, Rainbow just couldn't put this on her wonderful girlfriend.

Rainbow felt the least bit better as Applejack cupped her cheeks and gave her a kiss on the lips. Rainbow grinned. Applejack smiled down at the shorter girl.

"How's it going?" She asked.

Rainbow shrugged.

"Okay, I guess. Nothing new."

She wasn't lying. This crappy feeling wasn't something new to her. She'd been this way for a long time. She's almost grown use to it by now. The two hands as they walked down the hall. Rainbow Dash kept the smile on her face the whole time.
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Rainbow felt like she had lost her mind. She had asked to go to the bathroom, but was now wandering the empty halls, her mind blank, tears running down her face. She couldn't go back in that classroom. Faking a smile, pretending to be happy, faking a happy life. She needed out. She was done. She couldn't do it anymore.

Rainbow was so caught up in her whirlwind storm. She didn't even register the fact that she had opened a classroom door and walked right in. She stopped suddenly and slowly looked up. She saw the teacher and everyone else staring at her.

"Rainbow Dash?" The teacher said, a confused expression on her face. "Are you alright?"

Rainbow looked around at every face. She stopped when she found a familiar face. Applejack. Rainbow looked back at the teacher.

"I-I..... I uh... yeah, just. I need Applejack."

Applejack stood up without hesitation. She made her way to Rainbow Dash, who took her by the hand and pulled her out of the classroom.

The two walked in silence down the hall for a moment. Rainbow wasn't quite sure of what was going on. She felt like she wasn't in touch with reality or herself.

Suddenly, she felt Applejack stop walking beside her. Rainbow paused as well. She waited for Applejack to ask.

"Rainbow." Applejack said, clear concern in her thick southern accent. "What's wrong? Why aren't you in class?"

Rainbow turned and faced her. She could feel her buried feelings bubbling to the surface. Tears built up in her magenta eyes, making them look like glass. She pursed her lips together, desperate not to cry. She felt her hand being squeezed. She couldn't hold it in. She bowed her head and began to sob. She brought her hands up to her face, hiding her face.

"I-I'm s-s-so sorry-y-y. I can't."

Rainbow sniffled as she sobbed. "I can't do it anymore. Nothing is ok. I-I'm far from ok b-but I haven't been able to say anything. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me."

Rainbow felt a wave of exhaustion hit her, bringing her to her knees. She stayed there, sobbing into her hands, apologizing and begging Applejack not to leave her. Rainbow sniffled, lifting her head up. She saw Applejack kneeling in front of her, looking at her sadly and worriedly.

"Baby." Applejack said gently. "Ah could never hate you for this. Never. Ah....... why didn't you tell me you've been feeling this bad."

Rainbow bowed her head and squeezed her eyes shut.

"I wanna die, AJ. I wanna die. I can't do this anymore. It's too much. Life is too much for me. I can't do it."

She shook her head, her hands balled into fists. She let out another sob.

"I've felt so lost and sad and hopeless for weeks and it won't go away and I can't take it anymore. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough to live anymore."

Rainbow felt gentle hands on her shoulders. She looked up. To her surprise, there were tears in Applejack's eyes. She'd never seen her cry before. Applejack shook her head.

"No." She said. "I won't let you die."

She blinked and the tears streamed down her freckles cheeks.

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" She asked.

Rainbow shrugged.

"I didn't want to burden you."

Applejack laughed humorlessly.

"Burden me? Are you jokin'? Rainbow. You could NEVER burden me. Ah love you. Ah care about you so much and want to be able to help you carry this burden. You don't have to do this alone."

Rainbow sniffled and looked down. She felt a hand under her chin. Her head up tilted up. Magenta eyes met green eyes. Applejack shook her head slowly.

"How did ah not see somethin' was wrong? You haven't been yourself in weeks and ah just now realize it. You've been strugglin' and didn't come to me. Rainbow, you need help. Professional help. Are you takin' your medication?"

Rainbow nodded. Applejack wiped her tears away. She sighed, collecting her thoughts.

"Well," She said. "They're obviously not helping much. What else has been going on?"

Rainbow bit her lip. She hesitated. Would Applejack get angry at her? Hate her? Call her an attention seeker? That was the last thing she wanted or needed. As if sensing the internal battle, Applejack reached out and took Rainbow by the hand, bringing her back to the present. Rainbow looked at her. Applejack has a determined and serious face on.

"What is it? You can trust me, Rainbow."

Rainbow nodded. She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out the razor she had kept hidden in there. She showed it to AJ, who's eyes went wide for a split second before snapping up to look at her girlfriend.

"Rainbow. Why do you have this?"

Rainbow shrugged.

"I haven't used it if that's what you're worried about. I just brought it cuz the voice told me to and I wanted it to shut up."

Applejack deflated a little.

"The voice is back?"

Rainbow nodded, her eyes not meeting Applejack's out of shame.

"Have you told your doctor?? Anyone?"

Rainbow shook her head, her head bowed.

"I didn't want to tell anyone." She admitted quietly. "I didn't want anyone to worry...... and I was afraid of what you'd say if you knew."

Applejack's shoulders slackened.

"Rainbow...."

"I know." Rainbow sighed. "I should've told you and I'm sorry. I just......"

She sighed heavily. She shook her head slowly.

"I'm sorry."

Applejack stared at her. She thought about what the next course of action should be. She looked down at the razor blade in Rainbow's hand. She reached out and took it. Rainbow immediately wrapped her arms around herself, as if trying to protect herself from the world. Applejack stares down at the blade. Rainbow needed help and she couldn't wait. Applejack looked over at her backpack. She hasn't even noticed that she had it with her. Applejack grabbed it. Unzipping the front pocket, she dropped the razor in it and zipped it up again. She slung it over one shoulder, looking at Rainbow Dash.

"C'mon. Why don't we call your uncle?"

Rainbow sniffled and nodded. The two stood up. Applejack got out her phone and called up Strike. She told him what happened, keeping the razor part out.

"She's having a really bad day. Ah'll worried about her. She needs to go home and Ah'm not leavin' her alone for a while."

Strike agreed. He then talked to Rainbow Dash. Her answers and replied were short and one-worded. Rainbow apologized a few times. Strike told her she had nothing to be sorry for and said that he'd pick the girls up. After hanging up the call, the girls decided to go to the guidance counselor.

The school psychologist welcomed her into her office. She asked what was wrong. Rainbow didn't say much. Applejack told her that Rainbow was having a rough day with her depression and that she needed to go home. The woman made sure to give Rainbow Dash a paper with numbers on it, including the suicide hotline and some counseling offices in town.

Strike arrived and picked the girls up. The school psychologist told Rainbow to stop by the next time she came to school. Rainbow just nodded.

The ride home was quiet. Applejack and Rainbow sat in the back. Strike drove, glancing in the rear-view mirror every so often, obviously worried about Rainbow. They arrived at Strike's apartment. Walking in, Strike turned to Rainbow.

"C'mere, kid." He said, reaching out his arms.

Rainbow immediately collapsed into his waiting arms. She sobbed and told him exactly what she told Applejack. The three moved to the living room. They sat down, Rainbow sitting on her uncle's lap; blubbering out her feelings and everything she'd been holding in for months.

"A-And I just can't do it anymore. I'm sick of fighting all the time. I'm sick of feeling so crappy and sad all the time. I try to be strong. I really tried."

She bowed her head.

"I'm sorry. I'm so weak and pathetic. I'm crying like a baby and you probably think......"
Applejack reached out and cautiously took Rainbow's hands in hers. Rainbow peeked up at her, her bangs hiding her face.

"Baby." She said. "You're not weak or pathetic. You're so strong. Strong enough to go this far and still be standing. Cryin' ain't weakness. It just means that you've been strong for so long. Nothin' wrong with cryin' once in a while. Ah just wish you felt safe enough to come to me and tell me what was going on, instead of hidin' it from me."

Rainbow looked at Strike.

"Can i get some water?" She asked.

Strike nodded. He got the message.

"Of course."

Rainbow sat down beside Applejack. Strike stood up and left the room. The two teens looked at each other. Rainbow clenched her hands together. She stared at Applejack.

"I didn't want you to know because I felt like I was just a burden to you. It's not your battle to fight and I couldn't drag you into my mess."

"Your mess?" Applejack said, her eyes squinting a little. "Rainbow. Ah've told you this before. You're the most important person in mah life to me. Ah care about you so much and ah want you to feel comfortable talkin' about your problems and feelings. You need to see someone. A therapist, a counselor at school, a psychiatrist, someone. You can't go on like this."

Rainbow shrugged carelessly. She hardly cared about what happened to her these days. When she got like this, she couldn't care less if she got hit by a bus while crossing the street or getting shot while talking a walk. Or even better, not waking up the next morning and dying soundly and peacefully in her sleep.

But you just had to go and fuck that plan up.

Rainbow Dash groaned. She buried her face in her hands. Applejack noticed.

"What is it?" She asked.

Rainbow looked up at her. She shook her head.

"It's nothing. Just my usual thinking process, trying to kill me."

Rainbow rubbed her face, exhaustion evident in her eyes. She needed to go to sleep and hide away from the world. She couldn't handle anything more. Applejack seemed to pick up on her behavior.

"You look tired, babe. Wanna take a nap?"

Rainbow nodded.

"I should probably go home, though." She sighed.

Applejack wasn't sure if letting Rainbow go home alone was a good idea. She had no way of knowing if Rainbow would hurt herself... or worse. An idea struck her. She smiled.

"Can I stay over at your house?" She asked. "That way ah can keep an eye on you n' you won't be alone."

Rainbow rolled her eyes.

"Sure. Whatever." She mumbled.

Applejack kisses her cheek, making Rainbow whine at the physical contact. The two got up and went to find Strike.
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After finally convincing Strike that Applejack would take good care of her, and giving the numbers of the counseling service offices to him for safe keeping; and so he can call up some numbers, the girls went to Rainbow's house. As soon as they got inside, Applejack looked around. The place was dark and disorganized. Shoes, clothes and takeout boxes were everywhere. Applejack and Rainbow Dash went upstairs to Rainbow's room.

Walking in, they were greeted by a mess. Piles of laundry, books and stuff stacked up wherever possible, used tissues in the trash bin, empty bottles of water laying around. Applejack and Rainbow Dash walked to the bed. Rainbow put her stuff down, took of her jacket and tossed it on the floor, took off her sneakers, and climbed into bed. She pulled the covers over her head. Applejack watched her, her heart aching for her girlfriend. To see her suffering was unbearable. AJ sat down on the bed

"Baby?" She said.

Rainbow looked at her. Applejack shifted, so she was facing Rainbow.

"Baby. Ah can't imagine how hopeless and alone and upset you must feel. But you're never alone. Remember that. The next time you have a rough day, you tell me so ah know. Imagine if you hadn't and you hurt yourself or worse. Ah had no way of knowing until you came and told me. Promise me you'll come to come about this stuff. Ah don't want you to go through this all alone."

Rainbow nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry."

Applejack leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead then the lips. She brushed hair out of Rainbow's face.

"Don't be. It's alright. Ah love you."

Rainbow sighed, shifting to a more comfortable position.

"I love you too. I'm tired."

Applejack smiled gently.

"You can go to sleep. Want me to stay with you?"

Rainbow nodded. She didn't want to be alone right now. The voice never seemed to bother her much with Applejack around. Plus, her calm exterior helped Rainbow stay grounded.

Rainbow Dash watched AJ as she took off her boots, placing them at the foot of the bed. She got up and went to turn off the lights. The room was completely dark. Rainbow felt the bed shift a few seconds later. She felt Applejack lay down beside her, a strong arm wrapping around her waist comfortingly. Rainbow's back was against Applejack's chest. AJ snuggled the girl in her arms.

Rainbow laid there, staring into the darkness. She sighed silently. She knew Applejack was trying her best. Her uncle was, too. Rainbow wasn't sure if she had made the right decision to tell them about everything. She felt guilty about bringing them into her drama, burdening and worrying them. She hadn't meant to.

Maybe it would be better if she wasn't there anymore. They'd be better off. Everyone would. No one to bring the mood down or stress them out or worry them. No one to have to babysit.

Rainbow snuggled into the warmth of the blanket. Just another day in the life of Rainbow Dash. Nothing was going to change or get better. So she might as well get use to this feeling. Her depression wasn't going anywhere.  It was a battle that she'd just have to keep fighting, even if she felt like losing. She'd keep going. But maybe, just maybe, things will get better one day. She has to cling to that promise Applejack made. It was going to get better. Someday.

That day was not today. Rainbow closed her eyes and slept the sadness away, escaping from reality. Sleep was always welcomed. It was the only time she didn't feel sad. She dreamt of her and Applejack, happy and free. If only it were her reality.

So yeah. I'm back. Comment your thoughts or whatever.