eighteen - She Said She Could But She Couldn't

    Jimmy Moore knocks on the wooden door three times before he stepped back to his spot next to Ryan Collins on the doorstep.

    She was nervous. They both were. The longer they waited for someone to answer the door, the more she felt afraid this encounter would be similar to the last time she knocked on family’s door.

    An elderly female answered the door. She was smaller than Ryan’s height, probably around the height of five feet. Her hair was black that seemed to be growing lighter and lighter the older she gets. Her wrinkles gave off that she was probably around her sixties when she was most likely older.

    She was still dressed in her night gown while spanish music was playing the background. She was probably in the middle of house cleaning.

    ‘’Yes?’’ She questions. Her accent was so thick, it almost sounded like she said jes.

    ‘’Mrs. Ginessa,’’ Jimmy smiles. ‘’It’s me, Jimmy. Error de dios.’’

    Her features fall into a sneer. ‘’Ah, sí,’’ She mutters, eyeing him up and down with bitter distaste. ‘’What do you want?’’

    Jimmy planned a quick trip to Miami, Florida, to find Ryan Collin’s grandparents from her mother side. Here they were, standing at her grandmother’s doorstep who was already two point five seconds away from slamming the door shut on them.

    ‘’Uh,’’ He turns to Ryan and places a hand on her shoulder. ‘’Meet Ryan, señora. Esra’s daughter.’’

    ‘’I thought I made it very clear to Marvin, I wanted no part of their family!’’ She exclaims furiously.

    ‘’Pero, abuela,’’ Ryan chimes in. Her grandmother eyed her with wide eyes. She was not only surprise to hear speak but in fluent spanish. ‘’My dad kicked me out. I will like to be able to stay with family.’’

    She scoffs while looking away. ‘’Por supuesto que lo haría, ese tonto.’’ She turns back to Ryan and shakes her head. ‘’I’m sorry, querido, but I’m not taking you in. You weren’t my problem from the start and you won’t be now.’’

    ‘’Quién está en la puerta?’’ A male voice from inside called.

    ‘’No one,’’ She yells back into the house. She looks at Ryan and warns her, ‘’I suggest you go. You’re wasting your time.’’

    ‘’Mommy wouldn’t want you turning on your own grandchild,’’ Ryan fires. She was angry. No matter where she turned to, no member of family wanted nothing to do with her. What type of life was this to live?

    ‘’Your mother’s death was karma for even keeping you at such a young age,’’ She fires back. Her features dropped while gaping at the elderly woman, her heart sinking further and further from her chest down to the endless pit of her stomach. And Ryan must say that, that hurts like a real bite in the ass.

    ‘’Hey,’’ Jimmy’s tone was deep. By now, Esra’s parents were only tempting his tolerance. It was bad enough his standards were low for them as it is, but this seemed to have created a new record. ‘’Don’t talk to her like that.’’

    ‘’Pendejo,’’ She hissed before closing her door shut.

    There was a moment of silence that dawned upon the two. One that made it uncomfortable on Jimmy’s end, for he has no idea to comfort Ryan from the attack her grandmother pursued while Ryan was wallowing in her thoughts. Does she only cause damage in people’s lives? Is that why nobody wants her around?

    Jimmy pulled Ryan by the shoulder and tilted her head up from her chin to force eye contact. Her eyes were droopy, no form of joy or any sense of happiness surrounding her aurore.

    ‘’Listen to me,’’ He starts, arching his brows. ‘’I don’t want you to listen to her. That was not your fault, just like how your grandmother being a bitch, isn’t your fault.’’

    He was hoping for a smile, maybe even a small chuckle would come from this, but she kept the pout her lips which caused lines to indent marks on her forehead.

    Her eyes gotten glossy as she quietly asks, ‘’Can we go home now? I’m kind of tired.’’

    Jimmy caves in. He has no other choice, he couldn’t force her into a better mood. If the roles were reversed, he’d be pretty disappointed as well. He’d only wish her family didn’t treat her like trash, to make her feel welcome and loved like how family should.

    ‘’Alright,’’ He nods. ‘’Come on, I’ll buy you Starbucks while we wait for our plane.’’

× × ×

    ‘’All throughout history, countries go to war. That’s what we normally study in here,’’ Mr. Matthews began his lecture that following Monday morning. Ryan listened to her teachers intro on today’s lesson closely, hoping to get her mind off of her terrible weekend. ‘’But today, we’re going to talk about peace and forgiveness and how we get there. Every once in awhile, I come up with a good idea.’’

    ‘’What could it possibly be that I haven’t already thought of?’’ Farkle questions.

    ‘’Farkle,’’ Mr. Matthews points a finger at him. ‘’I forgive you.’’

    His smile was small. ‘’What did I do.’’

    ‘’I forgive you, too,’’ Zay pipes up, nodding his head subtly.

    His eyes were wide as he repeats louder, ‘’What did I do?’’

    ‘’You know what you do.’’

    Lucas nods his head in agreement with Zay’s statement.

    Mr. Matthews holds his arms away from his sides. ‘’I feel better now that I’ve forgiven you. How do you feel?’’

    ‘’I’m sorry for every time I’ve hurt you!’’ Farkle blurts out. ‘’What did I do?’’

Ryan waves her pen into the air and remarks, ‘’The better question is, what didn’t you do?’’

    ‘’Ladies and gentleman, today we’re going to begin the forgiveness project,’’ Cory Matthews announces. ‘’Our history isn’t just about what we’ve done. How we grow comes from the repair of what we’ve done and how we forgive what was done to us.’’

    ‘’Hmm,’’ Riley hums. ‘’We’re in. What do we do?’’

    ‘’Everyone take out a piece of paper,’’ He instructs as he moves around towards behind his desk. Where there he leaned to a drawer and pulled out a pile of small red envelopes. As his students rips out a piece of paper from her binder, he continues to speak. ‘’So, this isn’t your laptop or your cell phone. You’ve got unlimited characters here. As many words as you want.’’

    He begins to hand out these envelopes. ‘’The impact will last longer than six seconds. And I guarantee you, it’s never going to disappear.’’

    Ryan took the pile of envelopes from Farkle’s grasp and passes the pile to the next person behind her, not wanting an envelope to waste space on her desk.

    ‘’So pick up a pen. Express feelings. This is one of the most important things you’re ever going to do. You’re about to forgive someone.’’

    Maya looks up and shakes her head. ‘’What’s this got to do with history, Matthews?’’

    ‘’It gives you a chance to change it.’’

    ‘’Like when I forgave Auggie for biting the face off of my Beary the Bear-Bear,’’ Riley provided an example. A small petty detailed one that should have been long forgotten years ago.

    ‘’That wasn’t forgiveness, honey.’’

    ‘’Why not?’’ She pressures almost aggressively.

    ‘’Because you haven’t gotten over it,’’ He points out.

    Riley pulls out her old teddy bear with the ripped off out from her desk. ‘’This is the first thing I see everyday.’’

    Ryan rests her head in her hand. ‘’You just carry that around with you everyday?’’

    ‘’It’s a part of me now, Ry!’’ Riley exclaims. She pets the stuffed animal softly. ‘’There’s no going back.’’

    ‘’So,’’ Mr. Matthews claps his hands together. ‘’Is there anyone in your life that you want to forgive? Change your history. Go.’’

    Ryan didn’t even give her pencil a single glance before she assures her teacher, ‘’Mr. Matthews? You might as well give me the fifty five now. I’m not doing the assignment.’’

    ‘’Ryan,’’ He points at her desk. ‘’You don’t even have anything on your desk.’’

    She cocks a brow. ‘’My point.’’

    ‘’Is it too early to forgive your dad?’’

    He features fell flat as Riley turns back to face her. ‘’I’m sorry, Ryan. I felt like my parents needed to know-’’

    ‘’No, no,’’ Ryan shakes her head vigorously. ‘’It’s fine, it’s just,’’ She swallows the lump in her throat. ‘’I don’t think this project will really help me out on my life. Points for trying, Cory.’’

    ‘’Were things really that bad in Florida?’’ Farkle asks with furrowed brows. He turns in his seat haphazardly to face her.

    ‘’Florida?’’ Lucas chuckles dryly. ‘’What were you doing in Florida?’’

    Ryan twiddles with her fingers nervously on top of her desk. ‘’I’ll tell you later, Lucas.’’

    ‘’Tell me later-’’ He repeats out of disbelief. He looks back at Zay before turning to Ryan, finding this almost humorous until he interrogates, ‘’Why tell me later? Why not tell me before it happened or while it was happening?’’

    She tilts her head to the side. ‘’Lucas,-’’

    ‘’Why did you tell Farkle and not me? I thought I was your best friend?’’

    ‘’My best friend doesn’t seem to remember how to treat his best friend,’’ She snaps. She could physically see him sink back into his seat, deflated. These intense emotions going around the group interfered with their friendship, and it was hurting them bad.

    ‘’Can we know,’’ Riley hesitantly asks, her voice soft and gentle. The topic was so sensitive, it needed to be handled with care. ‘’What happened in Florida?

    Ryan shifts her gaze over to look at her and sighs. ‘’Jimmy found my grandparents on my mom side.’’

    They seemed to be amazed, beside Farkle.

    Zay cocks a brow. ‘’I thought you said that your parents were cut off from their families?’’

    She bops her head. ‘’I did, but I guess that didn’t stop Jimmy.’’

    ‘’What happened in Florida, Ryan?’’ Mr. Matthews asks, concerned.

    ‘’My grandmother looks like a wrinkled up version of my mom,’’ She breathes out a chuckle. It actually pained her to even laugh. ‘’But, she was nothing like her. She told me that I wasn’t her problem from the start and that I wasn’t going to be her problem now. My grandfather was even going to meet me for the first time but when he asked who it was at the door, she called me a no one. She even told me that- uh,’’ She clears her throat. Her voice as getting shaky and her breaths were getting heavier. ‘’That mom’s death was karma for having me.’’

    Riley furrows her brows while looking at her. ‘’Ryan, you’re crying.’’

    ‘’Because I’m mad!’’ She exclaims. ‘’It felt like my mom was the only one to protect me from the world and the bad that follows it. And now the world took her away from me and I just keep getting thrown from left to right! What did I do to deserve any of this?’’

    Ryan grabs the strap of her bag and slings the material against her shoulder as she stood. She grabbed her books from on top of her desk and clung them to her chest before walking down the aisle towards the front door.

    ‘’Ryan,’’ Mr. Matthews calls. Her hair flips swiftly as she turns to look at him. ‘’You can’t walk out of class.’’

    ‘’Mr. Matthews, I’m going to need to figure out a few things before the next class.’’

    Cory Matthews flattens his lips into a straight line and nods his head, allowing Ryan Collins to continue walking out. Lucas had gotten out of her seat to follow after her until his teacher held a hand up.

    ‘’Lucas, sit back down.’’

    ‘’I need to make sure she’s okay.’’

    ‘’Lucas,’’ He repeats with more force. ‘’Sit back down, please.’’

    ‘’She’s my best friend,’’ He continues on his attempts. But it wasn’t enough for Mr. Matthes to let him pass.

    ‘’I know,’’ He nods. ‘’But this is something she needs to work on with herself.’’

× × ×

    ‘’How’s the forgiveness project going?’’ Cory Matthews checks in with his class that next day.

    Ryan remained silent, praying she would remain like that for the rest of class as her friends gave in feedback. ‘’You killed us, Matthews.’’

    ‘’I gotta say, Matthews,’’ Riley shakes his head. ‘’I don’t know what you were thinking.’’

    Lucas leans forward into his seat, folding his hands on his desk while countering, ‘’You think forgiveness leads to peace?’’

    ‘’It leads to war in a movie theater,’’ Zay adds, joining Lucas’ point.

    ‘’Lights go down, the movie starts,’’ Lucas sets the scene. ‘’I make Farkle sit in the other corner of the theater so he can’t ruin anything.’’

    ‘’Sounds like good strategy,’’ Mr. Matthews praises.

    ‘’Yeah,’’ He agrees. ‘’Then a cowboy comes on the screen. Farkle yells-’’

    Farkle extends his arm and points to the front of the room, mimicking his actions as if he was the theaters again and yells, ‘’Dead!’’

    Zay leans over and continues the story, ‘’An old prospector comes on the screen.’’

    ‘’Alien!’’ He repeats. He looks over at the boys with a smug smirk. ‘’Looking for a time portal.’’

    ‘’Next comes a cheerleader-’’

    Mr. Matthes looks at Lucas and Zay incredulously. ‘’How does a cheerleader come into this movie?’’

    Farkle shakes his head. ‘’No kidding.’’

    Mr. Matthews walks around from behind his desk. ‘’Well, I’m sure some of you had a better experience.’’

    The rest of the class shook their head, frowning.

    ‘’Forgiveness doesn’t work, dad,’’ Riley states. ‘’I forgave Auggie and he didn’t thank me.’’

    Cory leaned his backside against the corner of his desk. ‘’Riley, did you really forgive Auggie?’’

    ‘’No!’’ She exclaims as if it was obvious she wasn’t going to.

    He turns to look at Maya. ‘’Maya, did you forgive your father?’’

    She shakes her head. ‘’No.’’

    Mr. Matthews cocks a brow when looking at Ryan. ‘’Ryan, did you figure some stuff out?’’

    She nods her head. ‘’I did. And, I’m going to be mad for a little while, Mr. Matthews. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to this stage fast enough in my life, but I think this one is going to take time.’’

    ‘’I completely understand,’’ He then stood from his position. ‘’But, I want to check in every day and I want to hear what else you figured out. This is just the beginning for you, Ryan.’’

    She nods her head again.

    ‘’You know, it looks like to me, forgiveness looks harder than it looks,’’ Cory observes.

    ‘’I tried,’’ Maya informs. ‘’Made it real clear. Want to hear it?’’

    ‘’If you’re alright with it.’’

    Maya looks down at the written letter on her desk and reads aloud, ‘’In school, I’m learning about forgiveness. What you did to me makes me have a lot of angry feelings inside of me. I don’t want to be angry anymore. Why did you leave? Did I do something? Make me understand what I did. Your daughter, Maya.’’

    Lucas leans over and grips onto Maya’s shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze, one that assures her that she’s going to be okay.

    ‘’I’m sorry, Maya,’’ Ryan apologizes. ‘’He missed out anyway.’’

    The blonde turns to her and smiles a small one. ‘’I’m sorry too. You didn’t do nothing to have the world crash on you. But it’s their loss.’’

    She mirrors her small smile.

    ‘’Did he help you understand what happened?’’ Mr. Matthews asks.

    Maya turns to him and shakes her head again. ‘’No.’’

    He furrows his brows. ‘’Why not?’’

    ‘’I mean,’’ She relaxed in her seat. ‘’I guess I never really gave him the chance to explain.’’

    ‘’Riley, why did Auggie bite your bears face off?’’ He randomly asks.

    ‘’I don’t know.’’

    ‘’Why not?’’

    ‘’I never asked him,’’ She realizes.

    Mr. Matthews turns to face the boys. ‘’Lucas? Zay?’’

    ‘’Farkle,’’ Lucas turned in his seat to look at Farkle. ‘’Why did you tell us the end of the movies?’’

    ‘’Well, because you’re good at everything that you do,’’ Farkle prompts before turning to Zay. ‘’You got that class clown thing going on. All I’ve got is my mind, so I try to impress you with it any way I can.’’

    Spite the sunken feeling in her chest, Ryan leans over and forced a smirk. ‘’Farkle, you don’t need to impress anybody. We’re your friends.’’

    ‘’Easy for you to say,’’ He turned only his head to her. ‘’I already impressed you, shortcakes.’’

    Her features fell flat. ‘’New nickname, hun. You were once short.’’

    ‘’And now I’m not,’’ He smiles brightly.

    ‘’All of you, need better minds,’’ Mr. Matthews advises.’’Better minds know that sometimes to really forgive someone, it helps to understand them first. It gives the other person a chance to be heard too.’’

    ‘’Why can’t you just admit that you’re wrong about this?’’ Maya questions. She couldn’t believe how strongly her teacher was holding back on this.

    ‘’Because forgiveness is one of our finest qualities as human beings, Maya. You have to understand each other before you can even begin to know what comes next. Go understand each other. See what happens. Your assignment hasn’t even begun until you do.’’

    Ryan tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and sighs softly. While everyone was on cue of figuring out their reasons why, Ryan already has. And she only wished that she didn’t.

× × ×

    Ryan Collins decided to meet up with Riley Matthews and Maya Hart at Topanga’s today, to hang out with just the girls. Of course, the idea was all made by Riley. She knew the assignment was a real downer on her best friends and she wants everybody to cheer up, even if it was for a couple of hours.

    The brunette made her way down the stair, her head facing down as she watched her feet carefully make their way one step at a time. She looks up once she’s reached her landing and found Maya sitting at a table outside the establishment with an older man sitting across from her.

    ‘’Oh,’’ She jerks back. ‘’Maya,’’ She walks closer to Maya’s chair and grabs a piece of the chair she sat on. ‘’Who's this?’’

    Maya looks at her father and forced a smile. ‘’Dad, this is my other best friend, Ryan.’’

    Smiling softly, he waves at her. ‘’Hi, Ryan.’’

    Ryan nods her head. ‘’Hi.’’

    Maya looks up at Ryan and mumbles, ‘’There’s someone waiting inside for you. Good luck to you, chica.’’

    Ryan smirks. ‘’RIght back at ya, mamacita.’’

    Ryan walks into Topanga’s and stopped in her tracks within two feet into the bakery. Katie Hart, Cory Matthews, Topanga Matthews, sat by the island while Riley Matthews and Auggie Matthews sat in the chairs near the hang out area while Jimmy Moore and Marvin Collins stood in the middle of the room.

    Marvin gave his daughter a glance before wiping his face down and turning to Jimmy. ‘’You tricked me.’’

    ‘’She’s still your daughter, Marvin,’’ Jimmy urges.

    ‘’Not anymore,’’ He jerks back. ‘’I gave you the documents, I want nothing to do with her.’’

    ‘’What did she ever do to you?’’ Topanga spoke up with furrowed brows.

    ‘’Mrs. Matthews,’’ Ryan calls after but her voice felt weak. There were no more tears to cry. She’s been through it all before. This was a wound that was already made. There was no damage nor healing done to it.

    ‘’I’m sorry, Ryan,’’ Topanga stood up. ‘’But I refuse to let your own father talk down to you like that.’’

    ‘’Why do you treat her like that?’’ Riley chimes in. ‘’She’s an amazing and caring person and yet you throw dirt on her like she means nothing.’’

    ‘’I know that, Riley,’’ Marvin agrees. ‘’She got it from her mother. She’s practically a spitting image of her.’’

    ‘’So why toss her?’’ Mr. Matthews joins in. ‘’That makes her all the more special.’’

    ‘’I don’t have to explain myself,’’ Marvin turns to Jimmy and reminds him. ‘’Sign those papers. Let this be the last time, my friend. Because I’m done and I mean it.’’

    For the possibly the millionth time this week, Ryan Collins felt deflated once again when her father walked past her and out of Topanga’s.

    At this point, she was too numb to react. Maybe it was because she heard it all before, or maybe it was because of the fact that she was more concern about Maya and her encounter with her father rather than her own. Maybe it was both.

    ‘’You okay?’’ Jimmy asks as he walks up to her.

    She only nods her head. ‘’Mhm.’’

    ‘’Sweetheart, I never would have thought for your father to do what he did,’’ Topanga spoke. ‘’But to actually see it, I’m so sorry.’’

    She shrugs her shoulders.

    Mr. Matthews juts his jaw out towards Jimmy. ‘’Jimmy, was it?’’

    He turns to him and nods.

    ‘’Are you going to take care of her properly?’’

    ‘’Mr.Matthews-’’

    ‘’Are you going to take care of her properly?’’ He repeats, his gaze focused intently at Jimmy.

    Jimmy looks down at Ryan, smiling softly before looking up and nodding. ‘’Absolutely.’’

    Topanga walks over to Cory’s side and folds her arms across her chest. ‘’Do you know what it takes, the sacrifices, what to do when it comes to taking care of her?’’

    He tilts his head to the side. ‘’Not entirely. But, I’m willing to do whatever it takes. She needs it. She deserves it.’’

    ‘’Are you up for it?’’ Katie intervenes. ‘’Taking care of her, I mean?’’

    ‘’Yes,’’ He quickly answers. ‘’I am.’’

    ‘’Good,’’ Katie nods. ‘’Because if you give up on her too-’’

    ‘’We will hunt you down,’’ Topanga finishes for her.

    ‘’Even though I don’t plan on abandoning her,’’ Jimmy shifts in his spot uncomfortably. ‘’I want to thank you guys for wanting the best for her. She needs good people like that.’’

    Maya then walks back into the bakery quietly trying hold back her tears. But she was failing miserably. Jimmy pulled Ryan to the side, allowing Katie further access to run to her daughter. She pulls the younger blonde close as they walk further.

    ‘’I’m sorry,’’ She apologizes to Mr. Matthews. ‘’I failed. I know you wanted me to forgive him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t do it. You were wrong about this one, Mr. Matthews.’’

    ‘’I never expected that, Maya,’’ His gaze switched from the door and back onto her before shaking his head. ‘’It doesn’t come so easy. But life is a long time and I hope you get there someday. But that’s never what I was looking for right now.’’

    This was the second time this week where Ryan Collins didn’t even realize that she was crying as Maya found difficulty to form a proper sentence. ‘’What did you want from me?’’

    ‘’Maya, did you forgive yourself?’’

    Ryan brought a hand up to her face, wiping away her tears as Maya ran up to Mr. Matthews. She buries her face into his chest and lets it all out. The nine of years of pain.

Ryan Collin's Outfit #1

Ryan Collin's Outfit #2

Ryan Collin's Outfit #3